Archive for January, 2009

Depressed yet hopeful?

So today I have my yearly pap- BOO. Course when I go to the doctor it says I weigh 217- though my scale says 214.

I’m not one to break down- but today I did- my blood pressure was high- and then the doctor said there looks to be a growth on my cervix, and so on. I told her I’m trying SO HARD and nothing seems to help I don’t know what to do- I told her I felt my medication wasn’t even helping and didn’t understand why I was taking it- I still feel the effects of insulin resistance after every meal (total food coma). She told me she’d send me to a nutritionist and she even said if I like she’d refer me to a laser hair clinic that she is a part of and would give me 50% off.

She doesn’t want to up my medication because she says she doesn’t want me to just medicate myself up and she wants me to lose all I can- she said she sends all her PCOS patients to this nutritionist and that they know what they are doing.

It’s just depressing that I’m working so hard and I see such little results.
And the fact she said she found a growth on my cervix- well that just terrifies me :(

Yet through all this I remain hopeful that this nutritionist will help me and I’ll continue to work hard to keep losing weight- who knows, maybe at the end of the year I will be off the med’s and in control of my PCOS.

Proud of me

Today is TWO girl’s bday’s at work. Now, if you know MY work- they always are having some kind of SOMETHING with goodies- I gained some weight working here cuz of that!

Well today I’m proud of me- I did walk over to the training room and wish the girls a happy bday- but I didn’t eat ANYTHING- they had all sorts of HUGE muffins- chocolate and blueberry and so on! Then they even had those crumble cakes and danishes- oh MAN it smelled good- but I didn’t have ONE bite.

I’m determined to be good and keep losing the weight!

Screw the doctor

So tomorrow is that DREADED appointment- and I weigh myself and where am I- 217 lbs! *sigh*

There is no way I’m going to lose 7 lbs unless I hit the gym for 6 hours today AND don’t eat anything and just drink tons of water and laxatives.

So today I decided, you know what, screw the doctor, it’s stressing me enough as it is to lose the weight- but then to worry about her comments? Who knows it’ll probably give me more ammo to hand her when I say that I have been dieting and working out and there doesn’t seem to be much of a shift at all. With my PCOS symptoms not changing, I want my metformin and spironolactone increased so I can probably convince her to do so- if she refuses I’m just going to switch doctors and try the doctor my coworker has (she also has PCOS).

I’m not losing weight for anyone but me- and as I read more and slowly gain small epiphany’s I see where my mistakes are and I’m learning- now if my body would figure it out I’d be all set! lol ;)

Okay soooo…

Okay so I wasn’t perfect today- but it’s hard when you know- you are up and out the door by 6:30 and you don’t get home till NINE pm!

Today was pretty good though- I had a yogurt for breakfast: 110 calories, lentil soup for lunch, 345 cal, snack of beef jerky, 130 calories, dinner, smoked turkey and cheddar sandwhich on wheat: 370 calories, supper (I was starving after class) beef soup with cheese, 420 calories.

For a total today of: 1375 calories or a round 1400 calories! WOO HOO!

Oh and I drank at least 2-2.5 L of water today- I filled up my 700 ml bottle 3 times today and then came home and had at least 4 small glasses of water.

I think I realized my problem, I don’t lose weight so I start giving in, then I see change- but don’t keep the good habits- I just have to be persistent!

The next 4 months will be hell!

Today I start an analytical chemistry class- YES you HEARD me- analytical chemistry- to help me advance in my career.

I get to go to school 2 nights a week, M and W, from 5:30 to 10 pm, then go home and basically sleep cuz I got to get up at 6 am and be at work by 7.

I’m hoping this will help me in my weight loss since I won’t be home so much.

I wasn’t too terrible last weekend but last night I went out and had chinese food and 1 drink with a friend- it was fun and I desperately needed a girl’s night out! So :p

The scale went back up to that stupid 214.5- but I know I didn’t go past my calories yesterday since I was so busy I only had a bowl of cheerios and milk (est 200 calories), then for dinner beef broccoli, some crab ragoons, a few pieces of shrimp, some egg drop soup, and a sangria margarita. I’m assuming that wasn’t more than 1300 calories- but since there was MSG I bet I have some water retention- today I’m being super healthy! Yogurt, lean cuisine, salad, and probably at the worst subway for dinner :)

WOOT

Today’s menu

Decided to write down what I’m going to eat today and NO MORE! NO extras!

Orange 86 cal
Lean Cuisine 260 cal
Yoplait yogury 110 cal
Wheat Thins: 130 cal
Vegetable and chicken soup homemade: 323 cal (guesstimate based on healthy choice soups)
Sliced deli smoked turkey 90 cal

Total calories: 999

Working out half an hour on the treadmill: 340 calories (usually what I burn)

total intake, 999-340 exercie-1770 BMR=-1110 calories.

If that doesn’t make the scale drop I’m not sure WHAT will.

Don’t worry, I’ll eat more tomorrow- I’m trying to do another jumpstart today.

Two days in a row!

Woo hooo, the past two days, yes today and yesterday, I went to the gym, so I’m working hard to KEEP that goal of going to the gym at least 3x a week!

Honestly I won’t lie- I wasn’t going to go- but then I read some articles about how PCOS affects your heart and asked myself if I want to die young?

I was bad yesterday- I had a small piece of cake (350 cal I am guessing) but OMG IT WAS SO GOOD! I enjoyed every bite of it. I can’t help it dammit it’s almost that time of the month (I will probably start tomorrow).

I’m still learning how to eat so I’m not hungry and trying to distinguish hunger from boredom or thirst- it’s not easy- specially when you always guessed wrong for the past who KNOWS how many years.

Cheers to those who are working out also- we can do it this year :D

I was born fat

I’m proud of me today- even though yesterday I had a small bag of chips (the single servings that are like 150 calories), today I was even better!

I had my normal large orange for breakfast, then my lunch was leftovers from last night- zuccini cooked with tomato and grilled chicken with brown rice :D I also had a light peach yogurt and some more fruit (I LOVE fruit).

I was a bit tired yesterday restarting, but now I’m totally fine- I fell asleep at 10, woke up at 6 ready to face the day (though I won’t lie I’m having my after lunch food coma lol).

I guess I finally realized this time- that even though I “cheated” during christmas, that doesn’t mean I have to give up for good! I won’t let that happen this time. I’m refusing to give up- the evil personality in my mind saying I can’t do it is being beaten down with that thinner version of me :) It’s funny, being overweight my whole life (I swear I was BORN fat) I don’t know what I’d look like SKINNY.

You might laugh and go haha no honey you weren’t fat when you were born- but nope I was fat. I see my baby pictures and I’m like WOW I was fat! I was I beleive 8 lbs 4 ounces when I was born, my sister was like 7 lbs, my brother 9! Okay fine maybe I wasn’t fat- but as soon as I could sit up and scream forĀ a hotdog bun I was lol. My mom has these sequences of pictures of me and in one I’m reaching for something- my mouth is open, and the final picture is me eating a hotdog bun HAPPY as can be.

Do I blame my parents for being overweight? Not really, I never really though of myself as “fat” till I was in 6th grade and I was wearing size 13 jeans and my friends were wearing 5-8’s. My parents always cooked at home- and once a week we ate out somewhere like McDonald’s or something. I remember I loved Chicken nuggets. I do know I ate cuz I was bored as I got older (my parents are muslim they never let me go out). I did up until about a month ago- I now ask myself “why am I eating? Am I bored or thirsty or really hungry?” I have found by keeping myself busy that I snack less at night :)

I think just having the PCOS made it so while when I was younger I wasn’t eating badly, but because we ate a lot of rice and bread and my body reacted differently than a regular person, I still was overweight. :(

I’m hoping by the time I turn 27 (one year exactly) to be down to my goal weight :D