Becoming a Butterfly

Kiddo was home Monday-thursday of last week.  I got sick on Thursday and am still feeling just terrible.  Got put on antibiotics which I think are NOT helping and got my first yeast infection in probably 10 years.  What a horrible experience.  I forgot what it felt like so the first day I did nothing.  HOLY CRAP by yesterday I was willing to buy everything off the shelves!  Feeling better today as far as that goes.  Cant breath thru my nose, hard to breathe thru my mouth, icky feeling in general and waves of fever.  I’m pretty sure its just a virus/cold type deal and feel I should quit taking the antibiotics.  We’ll see.

All this stress hasn’t been good for me or my eating or exercising.  I made it once to the gym last week and that was the day I started to feel really bad.  I’ve done lots of laying around and lots of eating.  Had pasta and desert on Friday night at Carinos, McD’s one night, and once for breakfast, and Taco Bell last night.  I also made chocolate dipped pretzel rods with sprinkles yesterday and of course had to try some of that.  I’m not a big sweets eater so not too much of that.  I did snack on celery while doing those. 

I’m going to get back in the groove.  I did chose unsweet tea or diet coke over my regular cokes I’ve gotten back into drinking.  I’ve been holding steady at about 212.6 for a few weeks now.  I had seen a fluke of 208.8 at the beginning of the month but that was once I think.  I was averaging about 210.2 for most of the month.  So, not too bad.  Plus Tom will be here this week.  I’m genuinely missing my workouts and when I can get back in the gym I need to start upping my stuff.  I’m going to start doing more light weight lifting.  I haven’t done much weight work since I first started and I quit bc I started bulking up and gaining weight.  I’m going to do more reps at a lower weight and that should keep that from happening. 

I am sick of being sick!  I cant get anything done and I feel crummy.  Cant sleep cos I cant breathe and UGHHHH! 

I’ll get over it.  Get on track.  Even if I’m making a few bad choices here and there.  They are concious choices and I’m trying to make up in other ways.  Have done good today so far.  Dinner will be the hard part, because I really dont want to cook.  I feel like I’m contaminating it!

Hope you guys are having a good Monday and are getting in YOUR groove!

I think I’m on the verge of a meltdown.  I think I need a good long, eye swelling, uncontrolable CRY! 

Kiddo has been sick and spent from 8-12 doing doctor, meds, and picking up school work stuff.  Spent the rest of the day making sure he’s got food to take with his steroids and getting him breathing treatments.  He’s really struggling with his breathing.  He hadn’t really had any fever, then that came tonight. 

They also have a art contest thru the PTA and he wanted desperately wanted to work on his painting.  Well I dug thru crap for about 30 minutes in order to find my old paints because he didn’t like the flourescent ones he used in last years contest, so we had to go to walmart AGAIN.  Which isn’t a huge pain except the road it’s on is under complete construction so you have to take detours and access roads to the next exit, get turned around and come all the way back to the store.  It’s utterly ridiculous.

He’s had tons of homework on top of it all.  Most of it I have no clue how to help.  Must be stuff the teacher normally goes over with them in class. 

I’ve not got a damn thing done for myself today.  I’m also supposed to help with school pictures tomorrow and I think I’m going to need to keep him home.  I may get him ready and take him up there to get his pic taken and just come back home.  I feel bad about needing ME time.  Especially because my son is sooooo independent and not a momma’s boy.  But the last 2 days he’s been glued to my side just following me around and constantly coloring.  He has never liked to color and in the last week he’s probably drawn and colored more than his entire life.  No clue what that’s about!

I guess I’m just exhausted. Stressed.  Overwhelmed.  And so much more.

My eating has been crappy today.  Total stress eating.  I dont do that too much, but today was bad.  I was 211+some change today.  It’ll be higher tomorrow that’s for sure.  I didn’t get to work out today.  I know I wont make it to the gym tomorrow either, but I’ll get on the elliptical at home if nothing else. 

I’m going to finish up biggest loser and try to get some rest.  Night all!  Send good thoughts my way please. 

I just wrote a bunch of paragraphs and my new laptop really has a mind of it’s own and deleted it again.  I’ll paraphrase I guess.

Hubby’s helping a co-worker and he’s miserable about it.  He offered to help him months ago and now the work has come up and he doesn’t want to help.  The guy’s paying him $10/hr and he’s like I haven’t made that since I was pulling weeds when I was a kid at a doctors office.  Well…now he’s upset that he’s wasting his weekend and not getting to spend any time with us.  I was annoyed last weekend bc they were working all day and all night.  He asked the guy to bump it up to $15/hr and he wont unless hubby finishes the whole job today.  What a crock!  So, he’s like I guess I’ll work all night to finish…haha. 

I’m ok with it for some reason this weekend.  I’m a big impulse shopper and I told myself NO SHOPPING this weekend so I’ve been trying to get some stuff done.  And it’s really cold here right now so it’s kinda cozy around here!!  I’ve done dishes, laundry, made some biscuits for my son, ran to walgreens for some hair color, read a little, knitted a little, I cut off some of my new size 16 pants bc my legs are short and they were way too long, and I’m going to color my hair soon.  I also got in all my pampered chef stuff from the party I hosted 2 weeks ago and I’ll need to sort thru that.

Yesterday I went to the doc and got my annual (second try.  I went 2 months ago bc I was out of birth control pills but doc had written it wrong, so went back) and my first ever flu shot.  I was sore all the way up my neck and into my jaw.  I was fevery and icky feeling.  Today I’m just really sore in my shoulder and neck.  But feeling fine other than that.  Took kiddo for one too, which was a huge ordeal bc there are NO SHOTS IN TOWN!!  I finally met someone who knew a pharmacist and he found some at one of the grocery stores that they were holding for emergency cases and they had to mix up a pediatric dose.  What a friggin hassle.  And I’d pulled him out of school for this so I was getting madder and madder bc we were driving all over town for this.  His prize for being so good was his 2 first ever Webkinz.  He loves them, and I do too.  I’ve been letting him play on the net with them this morning.  He had a good time.  I took him back to school for the last 2 hours and then we had karate after school, then a bunch of us went to a new ice cream parlor and then we got subway and went home.  Middle of the night I was up with a gallbladder attack which lasted a few hours so I slept in this morning.  Then got busy doing chores.

I didn’t work out yesterday and havent’ so far today.  But got in a 1.5 hour one on Thursday. 

Feeling a little emotionally better.  Just been moody lately I guess. 

I read Tawnya’s blog nearly every day and all her sewing is making me antsy about need to do some stuff.  Cole has been begging me to make a matching top to his pj pants I made him last winter.  Little does he know that those darn pants are too short now which means I have to make more pants too!!!  Hopefully I can find some more of that fleece at the fabric store.  He loves soft stuff and I’d made him the pants, a pillow, and a huge blanket.  Now I cant even see my sewing maching cos of all the crap in front of it.  Agh!  So I knitted a bit to maybe start getting motivated to be crafty!

Hope you are all having a calm weekend and keeping cozy!

It’s been a long annoying day.  Women decided they wanted to go to the coffee shop this morning instead of the gym.  I went along and decided not to get anything.  Mainly bc I didn’t have my wallet, but then I got there and realized ….I DO NOT NEED ANYTHING!  I’d eaten a boiled egg before taking Cole to school so I dont get too hungry during working out.  Sooo we went and then I said, “well I’m still going.”  A friend (or whatever she may be) made a few comments about some PTA stuff I didn’t do right or hadn’t done, etc and then made a comment about something personal and I got really offended basically.  I went to the gym and called hubby from the car.  I was getting more and more upset and was crying.  So, I left and went home.  Ate breakfast and did a few things.  Made calls and got my stuff handled so I didn’t have to hear about it anymore.  I went to lay down and be depressed and sleep.  I couldnt’.  So after about 20 minutes I got up and put on my tennis shoes.  Went to the gym and stayed for nearly an hour and a half cos I was soooo irritated still. 

So that one event pretty much screwed up my entire day.  Then we all had a play date after school at her house.  It was fine and then she was pissed at another friend about her pta stuff.  So the focus was off of me.  I feel like I try too damn hard to be in a particular circle.  I really do enjoy these women overall but when I feel like I’m starting to be part of the group something happens and they cut me out.  I know I shouldn’t try to be their friends, but I dont really have many friends or really ANY that I can do things with outside of school.  I had a few and some things happened and I got tired of being used and abused so I said NO and one in particular didn’t like that and quit talking to me. 

I’m just feeling sorry for myself I guess.  But these new women I believe the main thing they keep me at arms length is over is financial status.  We dont have money.  We have nice things, but live in a small 2 bedroom home in the college neighborhood.  All these women are pretty much socialites with loads of money.  I just dont fit in.  I’m not in the Junior League.  I’m sure you are getting the idea.

Anyways….the playdate with a few moms and lots of kids went just fine.  Came home and made some chicken noodle soup.  I didnt’ have enough broth so I used cream of chicken also.  It was kinda soupy but I went to put the leftovers up and it’s now more like a chicken noodle casserole.  Pretty good though!  Then I had a PTA mtg that was too darn long.  Hubby has to work tonight for a few hours.  I do have to admit to going to sonic and getting a blended root bear float.  There is a little over a third of it left and I’m going to go dump it out.  But damn was it good!

Now I’m going to watch the REal Housewives of Atlanta.  Oh what a trainwreck.  You just cant NOT watch it!

I’m going to try to get in for my yearly tomorrow (again).  How annoying!  Wish me lots of scale luck.  It got cold here tonight and will have to wear more clothes than last time!  BOO!

So…I made an interesting choice tonight.  I tossed around the idea and finally….gave in.  I was watching the Biggest Loser.  I put my son down for the night and then put on my tennis shoes and hopped on my elliptical for 20 mins.  Not much but I was pretty proud of myself.  I’ve been thinking about doing a little workout each night to try to boost my weight loss a little.

Of course I also went to the gym this morning.  I did 2+ miles in about 35 minutes and then I came home and napped.  We had a huge weather change over night and I guess it really got to my joints.  Mainly the joint of my big toe and my right hip.  It was a pretty uncomfortable workout.  Did it anyway. 

I also did my first 5k this weekend.  It was the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure.  It was a bunch of us mom’s that all go to the gym in the morn and another one that used to go and who got me to start at the end of May.  She wound up having one of her migraines so 3 of us walked and then another 2 ran the last mile.  (One of the 2 owns the 2 Baskin Robbins here in town…funny huh?  She’s tiny and a good runner…gag!)  Anyway…we walked it and I have no idea what the time was.  There was nearly 10,000 people there.  Quite clausterphobic (sp?).  Next year I’ll be running it, even if I’m by myself!

So…I’m having a dilemma.  My husband is getting FAT!  I know I should have no room to talk.  But he’s the one who is without a shirt all the time and during summer does water sports, etc.  He’s got terrible asthma (his whole life) and when he gains weight it gets worse and he SNORES like crazy.  He’s really ideal at about 155-160.  Well he’s about 180 now and it’s terrible.  I make him sleep on the couch.  I dont want to feel like I’m not attracted to him, but it’s getting to be that way.  I think mainly cos I beg him to go to the gym with me and he refuses now.  He was into it for a little while, but now it’s like pulling teeth so I give up pretty quick.  He eats like there wont be food on the planet tomorrow.  I can cook a meal for a family of six.  My son will have a 1/2 portion, I’ll have 1 portion and he’ll eat the rest.  I’m sick of not having any leftovers!!!  It sucks because he has a super fast metabolism and he could drop the weight with a few more BM’s if you know what I mean!  I wish I could do it, because I would in a heartbeat.  I work my ass off for results that are few and far between.  While I watch him eat his 3 big macs with fries.  SIGH!  I need to motivate him.  I’ve been very judgemental and I feel that’s not working.  Like tonight he called while I was on the elliptical and he said he’d been asleep and had woken up and was calling to tell me he was going to bed for good and this was at 8:30.  Oh must be nice!  That’s our relationship right now in a nutshell.  I’m busting my ass while he’s snoring away.

I’m not unhappy, not saying that.  I just want him to put in some more effort into wanting to be healthy and attractive just like me.  I know we cant all have the motivation all the time.  Some of us never have.  We have to decide to do it no matter what.

Yesterday morning I was STARVING.  Mom’s had asked me to help do fundraiser stuff at school.  An hour into it I was digging thru the candy bin and pulled out 2 things of the 3 sweetart packs.  Marla yanked one out of my hand and threw it back.  I said, “oh marla I’m soooo hungry.”  So her and Wendy (I work out with them nearly every morn) said well why dont we skip and go out to breakfast and then go take some naps.  Oh that sounded so good.  So they were convincing eachother.  I finally said NO!  I’ll see you guys at the gym.  And we went.  I was pretty proud of myself for actually being the motivation.  Ok…so Wendy weighs maybe 100-110 pounds and is probably 5′9”.  She is very skinny.  skin and bones really.  Marla is sporty and probably weighs about 130 and is very cute.  So I need some of that to rub off on me!  I just want to be healthy and cute! 

Hope you guys are off to a good week.  Lots of luck!

Today’s weight:  208.8

Been gone a few weeks.  Fell off the wagon, got back on, fell off, and got back on again.  I guess the getting on is the only thing that really matters.  So either on Sunday or Monday I saw 214 and upwards of 215.  Course the day before I had a load of salted tortilla chips and a fiesta ranch dip.  I was BLOATEd.  Last week was TOM also.

We went out to Olive Garden last night.  I had a fried ravioli, 5 calamari and 2 fried zucchini (appetizers), 3 glasses of white wine, a plate of salad and a bowl of soup.  Sounds like a lot, but coulda been wayyyy worse. 

I’ve been averaging about 5 days a week on the exercise.  I’ve been cutting out in about 30-45 mins because some women that go leave after they run real quick, so I’ve been leaving too.  Well, today they wanted to work out at 2pm before kids get out of school and I said NOPE  I’m going this morning and getting it over with.  So, I did.  I did 2- five min runs while walking and doing incline.  Then the bike.  I think I was dehydrated bc my lungs just couldn’t get a deep breath.  Wednesday’s run was so much easier. 

I signed up with the women to do the Race For the Cure on Saturday.  First time I’ve ever done anything like this.  We are all going to walk bc one girl doesn’t do much running and would rather walk.  I’d rather walk to be honest.  Because these women are HARD CORE!  One runs at about 6.5 for 2.5 miles.  The other runs at 8.3 for 5 miles.  I dont know if I’ll EVER be there.  I get bored and give myself excuses to get out of it.  I’m learning that most of it’s in my head.  I’d told myself I couldn’t run on the regular treadmill bc it hurts my back etc.  Wellll…we ran quarter intervals the other day and I told myself to turn my brain off.  If I can run on the Nordic I can run on this.  So I did!  I made it.  5.5 first, 5.7 second, 6.0, then 6.3.  Course they beat me by far and I quit after one mile.  They kept going of course.  But they said it would cut my time down if I could get my speed up and keep it up.  WEll, I think I dont care much about time right now.  I got down to about 10:30 mile and now I’d really prefer endurance.  Any advice on how to do it without killin myself or getting bored?

Any advice on my first 5k?  What to wear?  What to cary with me?  Anything?  I’m very detailed and when I dont know step by step what’s going on…I kinda freak.  So by tomorrow I should be a wreck!

I’ve been reading blogs nearly every day.  You all seem to be doing alright or are getting in the groove.  We just have to try a little every day.  We will never be perfect.  One bad decision can be redeemed.  One bad is way easier to fix than 10.

I’m not sure why I haven’t been writing.  Guess I’ve gotten lazy.  I think I was pretty disappointed when my weight was creeping back up.  I’ve been really trying to stay busy the whole day long this week.  I think that’s why the weight dropped again.  Normally I do a lot in the morn.  Try to take a very long nap, pick up kid, do some chores and relax again.  I’ve not been doing that at all.  I’ve been running around like a lunatic.  I feel kinda funky due to lack of sleep and then sometimes I think a lack of calories bc I get busy and wait too long to at least get a snack. 

I feel like I have so much to talk about, but I’ll stop.  I need to read a few more of your blogs and try my darndest to go to sleep early.  Hubby is working tonight so this is my chance!  He’s been home each night which has actually been nice.  We got into it on Monday and I told him I need him to be a hubby and I need more affection.  Loving affection.  No butt grabs or trying to tickle me.  I HATE THAT!!! I want hugs and holds and sweet gentleness. First he was pissed at me.  He said he couldn’t do that AND help do chores.  I said you act more loving and you dont have to do ANYTHING but pick up after yourself.  But if you ignore me and and treat me bad then you better get your scrubbers ready to work!  So, he’s been pretty sweet ever since. 

OK OK I’m going…night girlies!  Drop me some lines of advice.  I NEED IT QUICK!

Weighed in all over the place this morning…not really going to count any of them.  I saw 213, 211.4, and 210.6.

9/9 - 214.4      9/10 -212.4         9/14 - 211.6    9/15 - 211.4      9/16 - 211.4

Been doing good on working out.  Been doing fine on eating.  We had a pta provided breakfast of doughnuts yesterday morn.  I’ll admit to having 2 and I felt so sick afterwards for hours!  No more of that stuff.  I wasn’t to guilty bc we only have doughnuts once or twice a year.  I had a low carb wrap yesterday for lunch and a lean cuisine and a hb egg for dinner last night.  So not terrible.

Hubby and I aren’t getting along (he’s also out of town) so I’m feeling down in the dumps for the most part.  Oh well… 

Busy up at school.  Our fall festival is this Saturday and we are trying to get it all together.  It’s totally exhausting. 

Watched Big Brother last night and was thrilled that the first time in forever one of the people I wanted to win actually WON.  Jordan was so endearing and really needed the money.  Also, watched Biggest Loser.  It was the best season premier in a long time that was really captivating.  Like everyone else….I bawled and bawled.  It’s going to be a great season.  So far no one is totally annoying…we’ll see if that lasts.  I hope this season kicks me (us) in gear!

Hope this week gets over quick so life can get back to somewhat normal!  Hope you guys finish strong!!!

I made it back to the gym today.  My back was considerably better yesterday.  Still some sharp pains when I go from sitting to standing.  I just couldn’t take another day off from the gym.  I’d gone from seeing a glimpse on Friday of 210.8 to seeing 215 today.  But official weigh in for today is 214.4.  I was pretty steady all over the 212’s last week. The 210 was a fluke. 

Friends couldn’t believe I was at the gym and told me it was stupid basically and that I needed a few more days.  But when I see my hard work slipping away so quick from being sedentary, I couldn’t take it any longer!

Did 30 mins on Nordic and 30 on the bike.  I only ran about 5 min total cos I was scared of jarring my hip or something crazy. 

I got new Asics Gel Nimbus2 this weekend and wore them today.  My feet were going numb but I think that’s more the pinched nerve.  They aren’t as comfy as last seasons Gel Nimbus, but maybe I need to do some breaking in. 

I got quite a few chores done today (hubby is coming home tonight - day early).  I haven’t done hardly anything since this back thing started up, so it was nice to do dishes and laundry for a change.  Our pool closed officially so I went ahead and cleaned out the pool bags, put away the towels, and getting the suits washed cos they smell like chlorine. 

I had a PTA Board meeting and then helped with a few things for our silent auction that we have at our fall festival.  This is a busy time up at school.  We have tshirt sales, fall festival, and lots of little things going on.  I’m in charge of Box Tops and the yearbook this year.  Should be interesting.  Gotta spend most of the day up there.  I’m going to leave in the morning to go to the gym though!!!  Hopefully I can move in the morning. 

This week a few of my tv shows have started which is totally exciting!  I love to watch reality tv and high school drama stuff….like 90210, etc.  Cheesy I know!  Biggest Loser starts next week…CANT WAIT!!

I need to start focusing during the weekends.  I feel like I can eat whatever I want lately.  Nothing has changed…still got plenty of weight to lose.  I should be at the gym on the weekends and I should be eating right if I want to get anywhere.  The weekend will be here soon and I need to give it a real go.  This last weekend hubby did a few things to stop me from eating some stuff.  I called him the “food Nazi.”  But he shoulda been the “coca cola Nazi.”  DAMNIT! 

Gotta get myself in check!  Feel free to set me straight!

Life has been so different with this terrible back/hip pain I’ve had for the last 2 weeks or so.  It was so bad this weekend I cant even begin to describe it.  It’s slightly better today.  I may try to get to the gym tomorrow.  Today was day 5 of not working out.  IT’S KILLING ME! 

Friday I saw a glimpse of 210 on the scale.  Today was 214.?  Hubby shoveled Coke down my throat all weekend and we were at the lake at the boat races all day Sunday so I didn’t have access to bottled water.  I drank what was given to me basically.  So, hopefully I can detox that stuff out of my system quick.  I had lots of stomach issues this weekend too.  Lots of pain and lack of sleep bc of it.  I am getting back on track!

I had usual breakfast, lunch was a few leftovers, snack of hb egg, and dinner was a lean cuisine.  Drinking only water!

Well…I got lots of cutting things out for my son’s first grade class left.  I’ve done nearly 2 hours already and I’m only 1/3 of the way done.  Gonna try to get to bed about 10:30.  We had a storm in the night that kept me up forever - gotta get sleeeeeep! 

Hope you guys can recover from the weekend too.  STAY STRONG!

Havent been to the gym in 2 days.  The pain in my hip is so bad I can barely move.  This morning I was bawling.  Not sure what I’m going to do.  Hubby freaks out and gets mad at me when I’m in pain.  I think it’s his way of not knowing what to do for me.  I’m a tough cookie and this is wiping me out.

Knowing it may be a while until I get to the gym, I’ve been eating really good.  Last night I desperately wanted french fries.  Hubby went to Five Guys to get dinner but called bc there were 15 people in line and it was packed.  I just told him to come home and I could eat a Lean Cuisine.  I also had a small bowl of frosted flakes too. 

I haven’t done anything today.  I’m still in so much pain.  Hubby got an emergency work call today so he’s been at work for 3 hrs already. 

I got a new laptop yesterday.  I’m trying to get use to it.  The mouse is very sensitive and as I write my hands are rested on it sorta so it gets crazy every once and a while.  It’s so much faster than my old one.  Hubby is going to wipe the old one and keep it to take on trips out of town so we can message or talk via webcam or just so he can catch up on the news I guess.  We are becoming tech crazy.  Have multiples of everything.  It’s ridiculous.  But this one will really help with the software I’m going to be using to design the yearbook.  I’m determined for it to be AMAZING.  I’ve seen like the last 5 years of yearbooks and I’ve got to say they SUCK!!!  I’m creative enough for it to be great!  I’m actually getting very excited about it. 

Gosh I have so much to do and cant physically move in order to do any of it.  I guess I should just suck it up as best as possible and get busy.  I just am scared I’m doing more harm than good.

OHHH…sometimes I get side tracked.  This is a weightloss blog.  Need to post the weight.

Thursday = 212.4   Friday = 212.2    Saturday = 212

It’s not much, but I’ve not gotten to the gym.  I’m soooo desperate to see 211!!!  It’s getting on my nerves!

We went to return some pants at Old Navy yesterday.  FYI they have a bunch of graphic Ts for $5.  I got 5 hubby got 3.  Limit 5 per customer.  But they are cute.  I’ve got to get on a budget.  This clothes thing is getting out of hand.  It’s just so amazing to find clothes that fit!!  We also got a few Ralph Lauren t shirts at SAMS for $6.81.  Bargain shopping!

I need to get my new running shoes ASAP.  I’m desperate for comfort!  Someone also told me to get running socks and the cushion will really help me too.  That’s on the list.  (I’m so thankful that you cant see how often  this mouse is screwing me up.  It would be so embarassing.  I’ve opened new tabs, switched the size of the font, scrolled up and down, etc.) 

OK OK…if you cant tell…I’m super bored laying here on my heating pad.  I’ll let you get back to other people or to your LIFE!  Good luck!