Becoming a Butterfly

My post this morning….I got the most comments I’ve ever gotten….FOUR!!  2 was the most I’ve ever had.  2 from people who’ve never commented to me before.  Ladies…You made my day. 

Day was pretty good.  Ate mainly low-carb - which really doesn’t do me much good.  I’m more grouchy and need some carbs!  But didn’t do it on purpose…low carb was handy.  Had a cheese stick for a snack about 1.  Lunch I stopped at a local mex food place and just got a 4oz container with some chicken fajita meat in it.  Then for dinner hubby suggested going to mcd’s or wendy’s or something of the sort and I finally said…lets just eat at home.  Saved us $25 (max) and me a ton of calories!  I had a La Tortilla wrap with 2 scrambled eggs, 2 slices of shaved turkey lunch meat chopped up and about 2 tbsps of shred cheese.  I’ll be so glad I made the right choice tomorrow.  But dangit didn’t french fries sound delish! 

So I weighed for the 3rd time before I left to run errands at 1pm and went from 210.6 before breakfast to 209.6.  Which is what I was before I got sick at the beginning of the month.  I’ll be happy to be the same tomorrow and just maintain. 

Friday mornings hubby always go to breakfast at this local place (we are there regularly and were even on their last commercial).  I told hubby today that we were NOT going to breakfast tomorrow and we were going to the gym.  Well…turns out he’s got to go to work instead anyway.  So, for sure no breakfast out and I’m GOING to the gym. 

Not sure what’s happened but it’s just clicking again.  I guess I’m finally over being sick and getting my energy back.  I just know those times when it doesn’t click and you just wonder and worry over why it’s not and why you have no motivation.  So I’m taking this and RUNNING for as long as it lasts! 

Once again…thanks for the support ladies and I think I’ll start posting in the mornings when all your brains are nice and fresh!  Have a super evening…NO CHEATING!  Eat an apple!

Most of my friends know I’m a Debbie Downer most of the time.  Negative Nancy.  Bitter Betty.  You get the drift.  Something’s clicked!  Yesterday I skipped the nap and got shit done!  I did 6 loads of laundry, unloaded and loaded dishwasher, ran errands, tanned, went to gro store, took kiddo to karate, got karate’s next month homework done, art contest for kiddo filled out and ready to go, cooked dinner on the grill in the RAIN, and soooooo much more.  I even finally cleaned out our bag we’d take to the pool every day this summer…there were clothes, food, magazines, etc in there.  Yeah…really got on top of things.  So for most of the day I was in a decent mood because I felt like I was accomplishing something. 

I wrote yesterday that my weight was 212.4.  Well I weighed later after lunch at about 1pm and saw 211.  So I weighed this morning first thing and saw 210.6….then I weighed at my normal time..drum roll……209.6!  Which is what I weighed at the beginning of the month (I’d seen 208.8 too but that was a fluke I think.) . 

Anyways…I had a great OP day yesterday.  I made turkey burgers with orrowheat sandwhich thins for the buns and some crumbs from the baked bbq lays bag.  Lots of water.  I was super proud of myself.  I also had an apple before bed.  I’ve been doing that for about the last week.  I’ve found an apple called a Jonagold.  It’s a very small reddish colored apple.  I’ve had more apples in the last week than I have in a few years combined.  This morning before the gym I had one tsp of peanut butter.  It actually worked to keep my hunger pains curbed. 

I’ve got a few things to do around here, take a shower, and need to go to walmart for more halloween candy for kiddo’s karate fall festival and some groceries. 

Had some gossip/drama going on with an ex-bff.  Her hubby went missing last week.  She filed a missing persons report and hadn’t heard from him besides an email that was similar to a suicide note.  Well, while at the gym this morning a friend said hey isn’t that “so n so” on the tv.  Yep sure was.  Missing person, described what he was wearing when last seen and what to do if you know anything.  So, I call her to tell her he’s on the morning news.  Well apparently he called her yesterday, he’d been living on the streets in Las Vegas ( we live in TEXAS!).  Her father bought him a plane ticket home and they took him to the mental hospital here.  Don’t know more details than that, but it was such a freaky feeling to see someone you know on the news as a missing person.  I think he had a mental breakdown or something basically.  I just couldn’t imagine.  They have 3 kids (12, 6, 1 ages).  All girls.  The oldest is a bit emotional anyways so I’m sure this has just wrecked her.    So many questions!  I’m sure she’s got plenty herself. 

Ok…sooo thankful for my uneventful life at this point!  Thank you God!  Ok gonna get off my hiney and get movin. 

PS….I read lots of blogs this morning.  It’s nice to see majority of you in a good mood and being successful and even if you aren’t successful…you are HOPEFUL!  We can do it girls!

So, it’s been about 9 days since I posted.  I was super dooper sick then.  Feeling much better.  My ears are still a little stopped up.  I’ve made it back into the gym.  I went last Thursday.  I’ve gone Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday so far this week.  Couldn’t run at all last week bc my lungs were still so screwed up.  I did .25 miles running straight Monday, .50 miles yesterday and .75 miles today.  I ran after and throughout  my 40 minutes but that’s all I could do without stopping.  I’ve got to get back to my mile.  It’s amazing how quick you get back to basically starting over when you get sick and dont go to the gym for nearly 3 weeks.

So…weight crept all the way up into the high 215’s.  Gotta admit I was freaking out.  Granted last week was TOM also.  Yesterday and Today were both 212.4.  Shocking really because I’ve been snacking like CRAZY!!  I’ve got to get it under control.  Stupidly I let my son bring home Cosmic Fudge Brownies for the first time EVER… Well…I’ve had 3 packages and he’s had 1.  Never letting those in the house again.  Anyways…I’ve got like 3 more pounds to go to get back to the pre-sickness weight.  I had gotten to where my pants were painful to wear they were so tight.  Just in the  3 or so pounds I’ve dropped since last week they are comfy again.  Whew!  I did not want to go back up to my size 18s.  I worked all damn summer to get into those 16s.

This week is crazy (for everyone I’m sure).  We have karate today, Cole needs a haircut desperately, I need to get to the publisher and get contracts signed (I’m doing the school yearbook), Sonic drinks for my sons class on Friday for winning their Box Tops contest (which I’m also in charge of), pass out goodie bags I made, make choco pretzel sticks cos they were a huge hit and many friends got their feelings hurt over not getting enough, karate party friday night, and going out of town Saturday for my hubby’s Step-great grandma’s 100th bday.  Party is stupidly on Halloween so not sure if we will make it back in time for good trick or treating.

I’m exhausted just thinking about it.  Well, gonna go shower and try to get a few more things done.  I’ve come home from the gym and napped for about 3 hrs each day this week.  NOT TODAY!!  I’ve tried to get some stuff done.  I’m so sleepy but I’m going to fight it!! 

I hope you guys are all on track and doing what it takes to keep me motivated!  HA so selfish!  Have a super day/week!

Kiddo was home Monday-thursday of last week.  I got sick on Thursday and am still feeling just terrible.  Got put on antibiotics which I think are NOT helping and got my first yeast infection in probably 10 years.  What a horrible experience.  I forgot what it felt like so the first day I did nothing.  HOLY CRAP by yesterday I was willing to buy everything off the shelves!  Feeling better today as far as that goes.  Cant breath thru my nose, hard to breathe thru my mouth, icky feeling in general and waves of fever.  I’m pretty sure its just a virus/cold type deal and feel I should quit taking the antibiotics.  We’ll see.

All this stress hasn’t been good for me or my eating or exercising.  I made it once to the gym last week and that was the day I started to feel really bad.  I’ve done lots of laying around and lots of eating.  Had pasta and desert on Friday night at Carinos, McD’s one night, and once for breakfast, and Taco Bell last night.  I also made chocolate dipped pretzel rods with sprinkles yesterday and of course had to try some of that.  I’m not a big sweets eater so not too much of that.  I did snack on celery while doing those. 

I’m going to get back in the groove.  I did chose unsweet tea or diet coke over my regular cokes I’ve gotten back into drinking.  I’ve been holding steady at about 212.6 for a few weeks now.  I had seen a fluke of 208.8 at the beginning of the month but that was once I think.  I was averaging about 210.2 for most of the month.  So, not too bad.  Plus Tom will be here this week.  I’m genuinely missing my workouts and when I can get back in the gym I need to start upping my stuff.  I’m going to start doing more light weight lifting.  I haven’t done much weight work since I first started and I quit bc I started bulking up and gaining weight.  I’m going to do more reps at a lower weight and that should keep that from happening. 

I am sick of being sick!  I cant get anything done and I feel crummy.  Cant sleep cos I cant breathe and UGHHHH! 

I’ll get over it.  Get on track.  Even if I’m making a few bad choices here and there.  They are concious choices and I’m trying to make up in other ways.  Have done good today so far.  Dinner will be the hard part, because I really dont want to cook.  I feel like I’m contaminating it!

Hope you guys are having a good Monday and are getting in YOUR groove!

I think I’m on the verge of a meltdown.  I think I need a good long, eye swelling, uncontrolable CRY! 

Kiddo has been sick and spent from 8-12 doing doctor, meds, and picking up school work stuff.  Spent the rest of the day making sure he’s got food to take with his steroids and getting him breathing treatments.  He’s really struggling with his breathing.  He hadn’t really had any fever, then that came tonight. 

They also have a art contest thru the PTA and he wanted desperately wanted to work on his painting.  Well I dug thru crap for about 30 minutes in order to find my old paints because he didn’t like the flourescent ones he used in last years contest, so we had to go to walmart AGAIN.  Which isn’t a huge pain except the road it’s on is under complete construction so you have to take detours and access roads to the next exit, get turned around and come all the way back to the store.  It’s utterly ridiculous.

He’s had tons of homework on top of it all.  Most of it I have no clue how to help.  Must be stuff the teacher normally goes over with them in class. 

I’ve not got a damn thing done for myself today.  I’m also supposed to help with school pictures tomorrow and I think I’m going to need to keep him home.  I may get him ready and take him up there to get his pic taken and just come back home.  I feel bad about needing ME time.  Especially because my son is sooooo independent and not a momma’s boy.  But the last 2 days he’s been glued to my side just following me around and constantly coloring.  He has never liked to color and in the last week he’s probably drawn and colored more than his entire life.  No clue what that’s about!

I guess I’m just exhausted. Stressed.  Overwhelmed.  And so much more.

My eating has been crappy today.  Total stress eating.  I dont do that too much, but today was bad.  I was 211+some change today.  It’ll be higher tomorrow that’s for sure.  I didn’t get to work out today.  I know I wont make it to the gym tomorrow either, but I’ll get on the elliptical at home if nothing else. 

I’m going to finish up biggest loser and try to get some rest.  Night all!  Send good thoughts my way please. 

I just wrote a bunch of paragraphs and my new laptop really has a mind of it’s own and deleted it again.  I’ll paraphrase I guess.

Hubby’s helping a co-worker and he’s miserable about it.  He offered to help him months ago and now the work has come up and he doesn’t want to help.  The guy’s paying him $10/hr and he’s like I haven’t made that since I was pulling weeds when I was a kid at a doctors office.  Well…now he’s upset that he’s wasting his weekend and not getting to spend any time with us.  I was annoyed last weekend bc they were working all day and all night.  He asked the guy to bump it up to $15/hr and he wont unless hubby finishes the whole job today.  What a crock!  So, he’s like I guess I’ll work all night to finish…haha. 

I’m ok with it for some reason this weekend.  I’m a big impulse shopper and I told myself NO SHOPPING this weekend so I’ve been trying to get some stuff done.  And it’s really cold here right now so it’s kinda cozy around here!!  I’ve done dishes, laundry, made some biscuits for my son, ran to walgreens for some hair color, read a little, knitted a little, I cut off some of my new size 16 pants bc my legs are short and they were way too long, and I’m going to color my hair soon.  I also got in all my pampered chef stuff from the party I hosted 2 weeks ago and I’ll need to sort thru that.

Yesterday I went to the doc and got my annual (second try.  I went 2 months ago bc I was out of birth control pills but doc had written it wrong, so went back) and my first ever flu shot.  I was sore all the way up my neck and into my jaw.  I was fevery and icky feeling.  Today I’m just really sore in my shoulder and neck.  But feeling fine other than that.  Took kiddo for one too, which was a huge ordeal bc there are NO SHOTS IN TOWN!!  I finally met someone who knew a pharmacist and he found some at one of the grocery stores that they were holding for emergency cases and they had to mix up a pediatric dose.  What a friggin hassle.  And I’d pulled him out of school for this so I was getting madder and madder bc we were driving all over town for this.  His prize for being so good was his 2 first ever Webkinz.  He loves them, and I do too.  I’ve been letting him play on the net with them this morning.  He had a good time.  I took him back to school for the last 2 hours and then we had karate after school, then a bunch of us went to a new ice cream parlor and then we got subway and went home.  Middle of the night I was up with a gallbladder attack which lasted a few hours so I slept in this morning.  Then got busy doing chores.

I didn’t work out yesterday and havent’ so far today.  But got in a 1.5 hour one on Thursday. 

Feeling a little emotionally better.  Just been moody lately I guess. 

I read Tawnya’s blog nearly every day and all her sewing is making me antsy about need to do some stuff.  Cole has been begging me to make a matching top to his pj pants I made him last winter.  Little does he know that those darn pants are too short now which means I have to make more pants too!!!  Hopefully I can find some more of that fleece at the fabric store.  He loves soft stuff and I’d made him the pants, a pillow, and a huge blanket.  Now I cant even see my sewing maching cos of all the crap in front of it.  Agh!  So I knitted a bit to maybe start getting motivated to be crafty!

Hope you are all having a calm weekend and keeping cozy!

It’s been a long annoying day.  Women decided they wanted to go to the coffee shop this morning instead of the gym.  I went along and decided not to get anything.  Mainly bc I didn’t have my wallet, but then I got there and realized ….I DO NOT NEED ANYTHING!  I’d eaten a boiled egg before taking Cole to school so I dont get too hungry during working out.  Sooo we went and then I said, “well I’m still going.”  A friend (or whatever she may be) made a few comments about some PTA stuff I didn’t do right or hadn’t done, etc and then made a comment about something personal and I got really offended basically.  I went to the gym and called hubby from the car.  I was getting more and more upset and was crying.  So, I left and went home.  Ate breakfast and did a few things.  Made calls and got my stuff handled so I didn’t have to hear about it anymore.  I went to lay down and be depressed and sleep.  I couldnt’.  So after about 20 minutes I got up and put on my tennis shoes.  Went to the gym and stayed for nearly an hour and a half cos I was soooo irritated still. 

So that one event pretty much screwed up my entire day.  Then we all had a play date after school at her house.  It was fine and then she was pissed at another friend about her pta stuff.  So the focus was off of me.  I feel like I try too damn hard to be in a particular circle.  I really do enjoy these women overall but when I feel like I’m starting to be part of the group something happens and they cut me out.  I know I shouldn’t try to be their friends, but I dont really have many friends or really ANY that I can do things with outside of school.  I had a few and some things happened and I got tired of being used and abused so I said NO and one in particular didn’t like that and quit talking to me. 

I’m just feeling sorry for myself I guess.  But these new women I believe the main thing they keep me at arms length is over is financial status.  We dont have money.  We have nice things, but live in a small 2 bedroom home in the college neighborhood.  All these women are pretty much socialites with loads of money.  I just dont fit in.  I’m not in the Junior League.  I’m sure you are getting the idea.

Anyways….the playdate with a few moms and lots of kids went just fine.  Came home and made some chicken noodle soup.  I didnt’ have enough broth so I used cream of chicken also.  It was kinda soupy but I went to put the leftovers up and it’s now more like a chicken noodle casserole.  Pretty good though!  Then I had a PTA mtg that was too darn long.  Hubby has to work tonight for a few hours.  I do have to admit to going to sonic and getting a blended root bear float.  There is a little over a third of it left and I’m going to go dump it out.  But damn was it good!

Now I’m going to watch the REal Housewives of Atlanta.  Oh what a trainwreck.  You just cant NOT watch it!

I’m going to try to get in for my yearly tomorrow (again).  How annoying!  Wish me lots of scale luck.  It got cold here tonight and will have to wear more clothes than last time!  BOO!

So…I made an interesting choice tonight.  I tossed around the idea and finally….gave in.  I was watching the Biggest Loser.  I put my son down for the night and then put on my tennis shoes and hopped on my elliptical for 20 mins.  Not much but I was pretty proud of myself.  I’ve been thinking about doing a little workout each night to try to boost my weight loss a little.

Of course I also went to the gym this morning.  I did 2+ miles in about 35 minutes and then I came home and napped.  We had a huge weather change over night and I guess it really got to my joints.  Mainly the joint of my big toe and my right hip.  It was a pretty uncomfortable workout.  Did it anyway. 

I also did my first 5k this weekend.  It was the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure.  It was a bunch of us mom’s that all go to the gym in the morn and another one that used to go and who got me to start at the end of May.  She wound up having one of her migraines so 3 of us walked and then another 2 ran the last mile.  (One of the 2 owns the 2 Baskin Robbins here in town…funny huh?  She’s tiny and a good runner…gag!)  Anyway…we walked it and I have no idea what the time was.  There was nearly 10,000 people there.  Quite clausterphobic (sp?).  Next year I’ll be running it, even if I’m by myself!

So…I’m having a dilemma.  My husband is getting FAT!  I know I should have no room to talk.  But he’s the one who is without a shirt all the time and during summer does water sports, etc.  He’s got terrible asthma (his whole life) and when he gains weight it gets worse and he SNORES like crazy.  He’s really ideal at about 155-160.  Well he’s about 180 now and it’s terrible.  I make him sleep on the couch.  I dont want to feel like I’m not attracted to him, but it’s getting to be that way.  I think mainly cos I beg him to go to the gym with me and he refuses now.  He was into it for a little while, but now it’s like pulling teeth so I give up pretty quick.  He eats like there wont be food on the planet tomorrow.  I can cook a meal for a family of six.  My son will have a 1/2 portion, I’ll have 1 portion and he’ll eat the rest.  I’m sick of not having any leftovers!!!  It sucks because he has a super fast metabolism and he could drop the weight with a few more BM’s if you know what I mean!  I wish I could do it, because I would in a heartbeat.  I work my ass off for results that are few and far between.  While I watch him eat his 3 big macs with fries.  SIGH!  I need to motivate him.  I’ve been very judgemental and I feel that’s not working.  Like tonight he called while I was on the elliptical and he said he’d been asleep and had woken up and was calling to tell me he was going to bed for good and this was at 8:30.  Oh must be nice!  That’s our relationship right now in a nutshell.  I’m busting my ass while he’s snoring away.

I’m not unhappy, not saying that.  I just want him to put in some more effort into wanting to be healthy and attractive just like me.  I know we cant all have the motivation all the time.  Some of us never have.  We have to decide to do it no matter what.

Yesterday morning I was STARVING.  Mom’s had asked me to help do fundraiser stuff at school.  An hour into it I was digging thru the candy bin and pulled out 2 things of the 3 sweetart packs.  Marla yanked one out of my hand and threw it back.  I said, “oh marla I’m soooo hungry.”  So her and Wendy (I work out with them nearly every morn) said well why dont we skip and go out to breakfast and then go take some naps.  Oh that sounded so good.  So they were convincing eachother.  I finally said NO!  I’ll see you guys at the gym.  And we went.  I was pretty proud of myself for actually being the motivation.  Ok…so Wendy weighs maybe 100-110 pounds and is probably 5′9”.  She is very skinny.  skin and bones really.  Marla is sporty and probably weighs about 130 and is very cute.  So I need some of that to rub off on me!  I just want to be healthy and cute! 

Hope you guys are off to a good week.  Lots of luck!

Today’s weight:  208.8

Been gone a few weeks.  Fell off the wagon, got back on, fell off, and got back on again.  I guess the getting on is the only thing that really matters.  So either on Sunday or Monday I saw 214 and upwards of 215.  Course the day before I had a load of salted tortilla chips and a fiesta ranch dip.  I was BLOATEd.  Last week was TOM also.

We went out to Olive Garden last night.  I had a fried ravioli, 5 calamari and 2 fried zucchini (appetizers), 3 glasses of white wine, a plate of salad and a bowl of soup.  Sounds like a lot, but coulda been wayyyy worse. 

I’ve been averaging about 5 days a week on the exercise.  I’ve been cutting out in about 30-45 mins because some women that go leave after they run real quick, so I’ve been leaving too.  Well, today they wanted to work out at 2pm before kids get out of school and I said NOPE  I’m going this morning and getting it over with.  So, I did.  I did 2- five min runs while walking and doing incline.  Then the bike.  I think I was dehydrated bc my lungs just couldn’t get a deep breath.  Wednesday’s run was so much easier. 

I signed up with the women to do the Race For the Cure on Saturday.  First time I’ve ever done anything like this.  We are all going to walk bc one girl doesn’t do much running and would rather walk.  I’d rather walk to be honest.  Because these women are HARD CORE!  One runs at about 6.5 for 2.5 miles.  The other runs at 8.3 for 5 miles.  I dont know if I’ll EVER be there.  I get bored and give myself excuses to get out of it.  I’m learning that most of it’s in my head.  I’d told myself I couldn’t run on the regular treadmill bc it hurts my back etc.  Wellll…we ran quarter intervals the other day and I told myself to turn my brain off.  If I can run on the Nordic I can run on this.  So I did!  I made it.  5.5 first, 5.7 second, 6.0, then 6.3.  Course they beat me by far and I quit after one mile.  They kept going of course.  But they said it would cut my time down if I could get my speed up and keep it up.  WEll, I think I dont care much about time right now.  I got down to about 10:30 mile and now I’d really prefer endurance.  Any advice on how to do it without killin myself or getting bored?

Any advice on my first 5k?  What to wear?  What to cary with me?  Anything?  I’m very detailed and when I dont know step by step what’s going on…I kinda freak.  So by tomorrow I should be a wreck!

I’ve been reading blogs nearly every day.  You all seem to be doing alright or are getting in the groove.  We just have to try a little every day.  We will never be perfect.  One bad decision can be redeemed.  One bad is way easier to fix than 10.

I’m not sure why I haven’t been writing.  Guess I’ve gotten lazy.  I think I was pretty disappointed when my weight was creeping back up.  I’ve been really trying to stay busy the whole day long this week.  I think that’s why the weight dropped again.  Normally I do a lot in the morn.  Try to take a very long nap, pick up kid, do some chores and relax again.  I’ve not been doing that at all.  I’ve been running around like a lunatic.  I feel kinda funky due to lack of sleep and then sometimes I think a lack of calories bc I get busy and wait too long to at least get a snack. 

I feel like I have so much to talk about, but I’ll stop.  I need to read a few more of your blogs and try my darndest to go to sleep early.  Hubby is working tonight so this is my chance!  He’s been home each night which has actually been nice.  We got into it on Monday and I told him I need him to be a hubby and I need more affection.  Loving affection.  No butt grabs or trying to tickle me.  I HATE THAT!!! I want hugs and holds and sweet gentleness. First he was pissed at me.  He said he couldn’t do that AND help do chores.  I said you act more loving and you dont have to do ANYTHING but pick up after yourself.  But if you ignore me and and treat me bad then you better get your scrubbers ready to work!  So, he’s been pretty sweet ever since. 

OK OK I’m going…night girlies!  Drop me some lines of advice.  I NEED IT QUICK!