I accept my humanity!
The past few days have not gone very well. Don’t worry, this is actually not going to be a negative post. Because even though I’ve messed up, I’ve digged deeper into myself to understand why I am doing this to myself and why I can’t stick to a diet.
I have realized that for my entire life I have been trying to deny the fact that I am a biological being. I have always been trying to live up to society’s standards - such as being thin - but failed miserably. I now know that this is because of a difference in my brain’s reward system, and that my addiction to food is similar to alcoholism, but I’ve had this said to me many times without accepting it. I am not a slave to my body! With a bit of will power you can change anything about yourself. But that’s not true - I will never be able to eat like a normal person. For my thin friends, they can have pizza one night and eat well the next day. It just doesn’t work that way for me, because for me one day becomes three days, yet when we’re going out to pizza I always think to myself “Oh, but it will be different this time, I will be able to control myself”. But it’s not only about will power.
But I think this is a popular opinion in today’s society. If you want to change something about yourself, just do it, what can be so hard about that? Man has come so far in their evolution that we are in charge of our bodies! We don’t take into account the differences in everyone’s biology, especially the differences in the way our brains work, an organ that we yet have things to understand about.
So this week I have written down the things about myself that I have been trying to ignore my entire life, but realize that I need to accept them before I can begin to change. I have been trying to change on society’s terms, done what I should be able to do if I wasn’t so darn human. In some aspects of life you have to adjust - such as getting through this stressful period in school (my hair is even falling off from the stress) - but I decide what I eat. No longer will I listen to people who say “Oh, just exercise and eat less”, because it’s not that easy for me even if it is for them. And I will not feel guilty or feel like I have a bad character just because I’m not like them or the way “people should be these days”.
- I accept that I will never be stick thin. My weight goal has been 125 pounds, just because that’s what I would want to weigh. But by realizing that it’s not necessarily I that want it, but that’s what media and other sources have told me I need to weigh to look at my best. Stick thin is in, and if you don’t weigh 125 pounds, Augustine, you have no place feeling satisfied with yourself! Well, my new goal is 135 pounds. I am born with big thies and a big butt, and weighing 125 would look ridiculous for me. Media can suck it.
- I accept that I can never eat refined sugar like most people. It’s a trigger. I can’t have one sandwich, or one slice of pizza, or one piece of chocolate. My friends can and they say “one cookie won’t hurt” is because one cookie is just one cookie for them.
- I accept that food will always be an issue for me. I have always wished that I was one of those thin people who just ate when and what they wanted, because that wasn’t very often or very much. “Food just isn’t a big deal to them”, I used to think, “they focus on more important things in life. They are better and more beautiful than me, inside and out”. THAT’S A MESSED UP THING TO THINK. I am not a bad person because I think about food! It is okay for it to be an issue to me, everyone has to deal with their issues! It doesn’t go away just because I ignore it.
- I accept that my weight loss may take time. I will not lose the weight over night, and that’s okay. Because I don’t need to lose the weight before summer or my vacation - that’s what media wants me to think. I have the right to exist, even go swimming!, even though I’m still a bit overweight. Anyone who tells me otherwise are jerks and does not have the ability to think for themselves.
I am sure there will be more. I have even booked a free meeting with dietician who is going to make up my first food plan to get the refined sugars out of my system.
So here’s to realizing it’s just about WEIGHT, it’s not about my self-value or my character, it’s just WEIGHT.
May 22nd, 2009 at 4:49 pm
What a good job…digging deep enough to really thoughtfully analyze yourself! No matter what path you take to better health, you are doing it consciously, not knee-jerk reacting, and figuring out what’s right for you, and as long as it works, that’s ALL that matters! And so what if your friends can eat sugar willy nilly. Sugar is awful for you and the root of most of the causes of death in this country, in one format or another. Sugar is virtually POISON to our bodies. Give me mid-season strawberries, peaches, or pineapple any day of the week. If I’m going to eat something sweet, let it be natural and not laden with man-made crap and chemicals.
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:33 am
Thanks Sunny! ^^ Yes, you are so right. Once you get the sugar out of your system, I’m sure you’ll start wondering what was ever so great with it. My body may think it wants it, but it feels so much better if I fill it with fruit, berries and vegetables.
May 23rd, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Have you ever tried Overeaters Anonymous? What you write there fits in with what they believe (e.g. that food will always be a problem and always has to be managed)
May 23rd, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Hm, no I haven’t. I’ve read through their twelve steps, and I’m not sure it would work for me as I don’t believe in God or any higher power, and would have a hard time looking past that… but I think it’s also me being stubborn and wanting to deal with it myself. I always deal with things myself and don’t like asking people for help.
Buuuuuut, I might try it. If things haven’t changed for me by fall, I’ll have to do something atleast.
March 19th, 2011 at 5:14 am
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February 3rd, 2012 at 5:32 pm
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February 3rd, 2012 at 10:30 pm
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February 5th, 2012 at 2:25 am
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February 5th, 2012 at 4:10 am
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February 5th, 2012 at 5:54 am
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February 5th, 2012 at 6:44 am
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February 5th, 2012 at 10:54 am
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February 6th, 2012 at 5:52 pm
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February 6th, 2012 at 9:49 pm
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February 7th, 2012 at 9:58 am
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