The Millionth Time Around

So today no sugarpacked foods are getting into my tummy. No bread, no pasta, no candy, no nothing. All Bran’s is the only thing allowed, because it doesn’t trigger me and fills me up good. Otherwise, I’m going clean.

Now, despite my “revolution against the fatfright!” post yesterday, I’m feeling very self-conscious. In the past I would compensate messing up by eating very little today, but it only makes me incredibly hungry and is another reason why I can never break the binging cycle. But on Tuesday I’m going swimming, and I hate showing myself in a bikini so I would like to eat very little until then just so I can lose as much as possible (even if it’s just water weight). But I’m trying to tell myself how silly it is to hide away just because I weigh a little too much, that I am allowed to go swimming or do whatever I effin’ please to do. I know that, I do, but it’s a very fresh thinking for me (not even 24 hours old), so my old habits of coming up with excuses to why I shouldn’t go is popping up in my head.

It’s just weight, it’s just weight, it’s just weight…

The past few days have not gone very well. Don’t worry, this is actually not going to be a negative post. Because even though I’ve messed up, I’ve digged deeper into myself to understand why I am doing this to myself and why I can’t stick to a diet.

I have realized that for my entire life I have been trying to deny the fact that I am a biological being. I have always been trying to live up to society’s standards - such as being thin - but failed miserably. I now know that this is because of a difference in my brain’s reward system, and that my addiction to food is similar to alcoholism, but I’ve had this said to me many times without accepting it. I am not a slave to my body! With a bit of will power you can change anything about yourself. But that’s not true - I will never be able to eat like a normal person. For my thin friends, they can have pizza one night and eat well the next day. It just doesn’t work that way for me, because for me one day becomes three days, yet when we’re going out to pizza I always think to myself “Oh, but it will be different this time, I will be able to control myself”. But it’s not only about will power.

But I think this is a popular opinion in today’s society. If you want to change something about yourself, just do it, what can be so hard about that? Man has come so far in their evolution that we are in charge of our bodies! We don’t take into account the differences in everyone’s biology, especially the differences in the way our brains work, an organ that we yet have things to understand about.

So this week I have written down the things about myself that I have been trying to ignore my entire life, but realize that I need to accept them before I can begin to change. I have been trying to change on society’s terms, done what I should be able to do if I wasn’t so darn human. In some aspects of life you have to adjust - such as getting through this stressful period in school (my hair is even falling off from the stress) - but I decide what I eat. No longer will I listen to people who say “Oh, just exercise and eat less”, because it’s not that easy for me even if it is for them. And I will not feel guilty or feel like I have a bad character just because I’m not like them or the way “people should be these days”.

• I accept that I will never be stick thin. My weight goal has been 125 pounds, just because that’s what I would want to weigh. But by realizing that it’s not necessarily I that want it, but that’s what media and other sources have told me I need to weigh to look at my best. Stick thin is in, and if you don’t weigh 125 pounds, Augustine, you have no place feeling satisfied with yourself! Well, my new goal is 135 pounds. I am born with big thies and a big butt, and weighing 125 would look ridiculous for me. Media can suck it.
• I accept that I can never eat refined sugar like most people. It’s a trigger. I can’t have one sandwich, or one slice of pizza, or one piece of chocolate. My friends can and they say “one cookie won’t hurt” is because one cookie is just one cookie for them.
• I accept that food will always be an issue for me. I have always wished that I was one of those thin people who just ate when and what they wanted, because that wasn’t very often or very much. “Food just isn’t a big deal to them”, I used to think, “they focus on more important things in life. They are better and more beautiful than me, inside and out”. THAT’S A MESSED UP THING TO THINK. I am not a bad person because I think about food! It is okay for it to be an issue to me, everyone has to deal with their issues! It doesn’t go away just because I ignore it.
• I accept that my weight loss may take time. I will not lose the weight over night, and that’s okay. Because I don’t need to lose the weight before summer or my vacation - that’s what media wants me to think. I have the right to exist, even go swimming!, even though I’m still a bit overweight. Anyone who tells me otherwise are jerks and does not have the ability to think for themselves.

I am sure there will be more. I have even booked a free meeting with dietician who is going to make up my first food plan to get the refined sugars out of my system.

So here’s to realizing it’s just about WEIGHT, it’s not about my self-value or my character, it’s just WEIGHT.

Yes, I am! I have done my exercise and been eating well since my last post. Even yesterday, when me and my family went out to eat to celebrate my mum’s birthday! I only had one scoop of sorbet, just to join everyone on the desserts, and for my main course I had a chévre and walnut salad.

Otherwise I’m just studying, and that’s what I’ll be doing for three more weeks. When that’s over, I’m planning on posting more and reading more blogs! But I have to say bye for now. Hope everyone’s doing well ♥

Yes. (At the end) of this day, I regained my motivation. I have probably also regained some weight, but from my experience I know it will come off easily until Monday, so I’m going to try not to worry about that. I’ve also decided to go back to my original plan of not weighing myself, atleast until school’s over. It’s too much to stress about school work and the number on the scale. So for the next four weeks I’m just going to focus on exercising and eating well - which means no binging. That’s a big enough challenge for me.

I want to thank everyone on this site for their support - you have no idea how much it means to me. If I wouldn’t have all of you, I’d probably go on with this behaviour for atleast another week. But now, I’m back in the saddle a lot faster. Maybe one day I’ll never fall out of it!

♥

I messed up again.

Hello again!

I did get back on the wagon yesterday, although my eating could have been better. Actually, my eating could have been better today aswell. But atleast I jogged 6.5 miles yesterday, and I’m planning on doing the same today.

I weighed myself today aswell, and I’ve gone up to about 155.2 pounds. I know that’s not a whole lot, but still… I just feel like I’ve been fighting not to sink completely the past two years, but I’ve never lost anything. It’s just lose, gain, lose, gain, gain, lose, lose, gain. If I don’t make it this time, I’m just going to give up. So I have to give it all from now on.

So tomorrow I’m starting a food journal. I’m hoping it will make me feel more accountable for what I eat, like I have all you guys with me each time I’m about to eat something.

I would like to say I started on the South Beach diet today. I would like to say that it was hard, but I stayed strong and got through the day with pride. But that day ended after lunch, and was replaced with a food blackout - when you just eat, eat, and eat, and when you try to look back to see how badly you messed up, you can hardly recall all the things you ate. I mean come on. One week after my last binge? Although, I don’t think I’ve ever gone for longer than a week without binging… sigh.

When my stomach doesn’t hurt from all the food, I’ll go for a run, and then I’ll go to bed and this day will be over. It’s just that I wish I could get a grip of myself during days like these. What on earth is my problem??

The weekend is over, which means I can go back to control what I eat tomorrow… I usually spend my weekends at my friends’ houses, which means I can’t really decide what to eat. But it’s cool, I didn’t eat anything too unhealthy and I didn’t eat any big amounts of anything. Until tonight - it was pizza for dinner. At those times I really wish I could work up the courage to just go: “I don’t want to eat that, I’m on a diet”. But instead I ate the pizza, which actually made my stomach ache - not because I ate too much, but I haven’t had anything that fatty in a while. Though I did jog today, so I’m hoping it will be okay if I eat extra light for a couple of days, when I can pick what and when to eat. Since I’m starting on the South Beach diet tomorrow, I’m also going to plan tomorrow’s food, so I don’t forget what not to eat.

That’s all for now. I hope to finish a book for school until tomorrow.

x

May 3rd: 156.1

May 8th: 154.8

Change: -1.3 pounds

Couldn’t help but jump on the scale today. Apparently I’ve lost 1.3 pounds since Sunday! I’m pleased with that, seeing as I thought I’d gain weight from Monday’s mess up. And if I continue to exercise and eat well, I’m hoping I’ll be below 154 by Monday, which is a scary weight for me. That’s when all my diets have failed and I have started gaining weight back. 154-158 is my Bermudatriangle, as I saw someone calling in the forum (haha). Well, next week I will get out of it, and then nothing can stop me! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I’m also planning on starting on the South Beach diet then But now, I shall go for my run! Toodles ♥

Today when I was supposed to go for my run, I really didn’t feel like it, so I just powerwalked about two miles, and to even do that I had to push it. Compared to the 4-5 miles I usually jog, that’s not a whole lot. But the third day of exercise is always kinda bleh, so I’m thinking of taking Wednesday or Thursday and Saturday off each week, instead of the whole weekend. My muscles only need one day of rest, and they don’t seem to like not getting any for five days.

I’ve pretty much layed off the carbohydrates, but I still do eat some All Bran’s. But atleast it’s good carbohydrates, and it keeps me full for a long time.

Though looking through my comments, Sunnie’s suggestion about the South Beach diet seems interesting. My first thought when I read about it was that there was a lot of meat, and that it would be hard doing it since I’m a vegetarian. But then I realised that lately I’ve replaced meat with carbohydrates, or just taking the meat out of meat based meals, instead of replacing it with quorn, or beans, or tofu. So the reason why not to do it became a reason why to do it. I’ll have to read some more about it tonight, when I have the time.