Confessions of a Food Addict

I started my journey to loss weight and be healthier for the millionth time.. on September 16, 2009.  I have no clue my weight at the start because my scale just doesn’t go that high.  I decided to use the weight that the nurse had recorded when she came to give me a checkup for my insurance.

Starting weight was 256 lbs

Oh man, this was killing me.  Seriously.. I couldn’t even imagine how this happen.  Just blows my mind.  But there it is. Seriously, I was in pain, alot of pain.  I could barely do 5 min on my exercise bike.  I couldn’t climb stairs or even walk to the corner without feeling pain.  This had to end.

So I started my journey.  I did great for like 60 days, then I could feel myself not trying as hard.

November 30th - Day 74, I saw 325.5lbs.  awesome!  that was 30lbs lost.  I kinda went up and down a few lbs but managed to stay close by.. however,

today is Day 88 and I just weighed this morning at 333 lbs.  why?? why do I do this to myself.  I know what I did .. I didn’t ride, I didn’t track, I allowed myself to eat whenever angel wanted to eat.. (except the other night when he cooked a burger after 11pm.. I passed on that.. yay me!)

Seriously, I have to keep going.  I can see the difference in my body.. I had noticed that I could walk longer and bike longer.. things were feeling better.  I must continue this journey.  I can not stop now!

This morning I rode 20 min (2.82 miles) and tracked my food so far.. not the great choices but tracking is good.  I have to keep on.  I can not quit.

Totally blew it.. seriously.. I have an issue with food and this time it was the candy.  I feel as if I have to have control .. like full control over that candy.  I do fine with that.. however, hubby grabbed the bag and started chowing.  My mind just started racing, while watching him eat.. “oh no, he is gonna eat it all !!!  He can’t do that.. 1/2 of that is mine!”  So I just started eating.. I ate over 10.. which means over 1,000 calories in chocolate bars!!  Seriously??  What is wrong with me??

Taking a peak into my past.  Why is food such an issue with me.  As a child we were never allowed to eat what or when we wanted.  Mom served the food.. we took what was given.  We couldn’t just open the fridge and say “hey mom, can I have an apple??”  oh no.. we couldn’t even open the fridge.. not even for a drink.. you got water unless served otherwise.  That was how life was.  Even after David was born (I was 20) I was still asking permission to go into the fridge and get something.  I remember also as a child, I would get up in the middle of the night and sneak peanut butter from the jar.. just a little so it wouldn’t be noticable.

When it came to my dad, it was as if food = love.  He would never ever ever deprive us of food.. we never got sent to bed without snacks.. he always let us out for the snacks.  It wasn’t as if we were deprived of food.. He would always give a second helping if there was enough.. even if we didn’t want it.. and we had to eat what was given.  no food was to be wasted.

So, in my mind, am I so worried about not having control over my own food now??  I know at restaurants I have no problem saving half my meal for home.. I know no one is gonna want to touch it.  however, I will chow down on the appetizers.. I need to get my share..

We can have ice cream in the freezer for months.. but we only eat the ice cream together.. it would drive me nuts if angel would just grab some and not share.. we always share.

So what is going on??  Why am I selfish when it comes to food.. even the chicken strips david brought home.  I want to freeze them right now so no one will eat them all.. but instead I just make sure I get some for lunch every day.. before they run out.

I am totally selfish when it comes to food!!

this morning I have divided the candy and put my share into a dark bowl and put it away.. that way if I want I can have 1 a day and no one will touch it.. angel can eat his share in one sitting for all I care..

man I am selfish!  sigh….

I decided I needed to be honest and have my starting weight where a nurse said I was.  I have been totally in denial.  Because my scale only goes up to 339 before seeing E.. it was easy to just say I stayed around 340.  However, according to the nurse.. I weighed 356.  It is really hard to think about.

Official weigh in day is today, although I have been weighing daily.. yesterday I saw 328 which totally shocked me.

Total’s weight is 331.  That means I have lost 25lbs.  I am really thrilled to know that I did that.  I must keep going and not give up.  I have a long journey ahead of me.. but I need to keep going.  I need to see a healthier me.

Hubby said I would feel better at 250.. so if you think about it.. I am 24% there.. sounds good to me.

The scale has been around 338.. which is good.. way better than E!  I started doing the beginning of TBL without watching the video and ignoring the squats and such.  Feeling better with that, although the entire thing is done in about 5 min.. at least I am moving.  Have not done the bike again yet.

Last night without thinking, I grabbed a hot dog that was sitting there.   I counted the calories and it was all ok, but no room for a snack.  It wasn’t as hard as I expected it to be.  Although I need to watch where my fingers go.. especially with halloween coming soon!

Today is day 30 and I am finally seeing a difference in the scales.  Not much of a difference but it is there.  Wednesday I finally saw 339.5 again after a while of E.  Yesterday 338.5 and today is 338.  Slow but there at least.  I feel like I can’t do the biggest loser dvd right now.  It hurts my leg.  My right leg is now clicking badly.. whenever I bend it.  The beginning of the exercise focuses on your legs, there are squats (which I have to modify) as well as leg lifts that are really hurting.  Sadly leg exercises used to be my strong point.  I have killed them with all this weight.

So far my moods have been ok.  Although today I went under the 150 in carbs.  Need to work on that.

Yesterday was day 29,  I have not been posting the check in.  I was starting to realize there is something wrong.  I have been having huge emotional breakdowns.. On Tuesday I lost it again.  Just started crying.. I was so cold I could barely move.  I have  never been able to tolerate the cold much.  But I could barely move.  A friend mentioned low adrenal functions.. so I looked it up and came across somethng about carbs.  I looked that up and found out if you go too low on carbs it causes depletion of muscles, which in turn causes fatique, etc.  Well I know I have not been drastic with carbs.. however, If I normally ate alot (I love love love carbs) and suddenly went to under 100.. maybe I did shock my body a bit.  So my goal now is to get closer to 200.. and not go below 150.  So far it seems to be helping.

My calories have also been good the last few days.. more on the lower end of the allowance.

Every day is a new day. Never give up. If you only had to journal for one day, (tomorrow), could you do it? Of course you could! We can all do this together!!!

Oh no.. So not good!!

Every day is a new day. Never give up. If you only had to journal for one day, (tomorrow), could you do it? Of course you could! We can all do this together!!!