I’m familiar with autism, my stepson is autistic and when I compare my son to him I don’t see where he could be considered autistic at all.  I know there’s different levels of autism and one autistic kid is not the same as another but still I don’t see my son having autistic traits.  Maybe I’m in denial and just not admitting to myself that there is something there but my husband doesn’t see it either and my sister thinks they’re crazy.  But I’ll we’ll follow it through and do whatever we need to so he gets whatever he needs.

One thing I have to remember is that it could be worse, a little girl from his class last year is battling leukemia.

So with all the stress I’m feeling I’m trying not to turn to food as comfort which is what I do when I’m stressed or depressed.  I’m trying to keep busy so I don’t have too much time to think about everything and so I don’t start eating everything in sight but it’s a tough battle.  I want to sit down with a big bag of Hershey Kisses and eat every one of them in hopes it will make me feel better even though I know it won’t.  The problem won’t go away because I ate a bag of candy and it will just undo everything I’ve worked for.

If anyone reads this could you please keep my son in your thoughts and prayers that everything goes okay with the testing.  Unfortunately it’s going to be a long road, we probably won’t know until at least March.

Now I’m going to go snuggle with my baby boy and just tell him how much I love him.

I haven’t weighed myself since Friday because I did cheat a little Saturday night because it was my birthday. My husband took me out for dinner and I had crab cakes (that weren’t very good) french fries, a salad and a small piece of cake.

The funny thing is that by cheating I found out how well I was actually doing on the program. I haven’t had any problems with my reflux since I started Skinny Jeans. However last night it was bothering me and I know it was because I ate more than I should have and I ate things that weren’t good for me.  So I cheated but I did learn a lesson from it.

The other exciting thing that happened is that I got to meet Real in person Sunday.  He made a trip down to my house to host a mixer for me so we could introduce some of my friends to the Skinny Jeans program.  It was funny because even though it was the first time I got to meet him it was like he was an old friend.  He just has a way of making you feel at ease and comfortable.  Okay, I admit that I did have a moment while talking to him where I thought “I can’t believe I’m standing here talking to someone I used to watch on television all the time and he’s standing in my living room!”

I’m loving how I’m feeling and I’m excited to continue my journey to Skinny Jeans!

I didn’t have any problems with being hungry until last night, which is always the dangerous time for me.  It seems after my son goes to bed the munchies hit. I was trying to stay away from things I shouldn’t have,  so I had half an apple, only half because my husband kept saying “Can I have a piece of that?”.  Then I wanted something else so I had a couple little pretzels probably 6-8 of them.  I need to find out if pretzels are a no no on the program when I talk to Real today.

My son helped me exercise yesterday, we did a walking video together.  Well I walked and he jumped, bounced and generally just put me to shame with his nonstop flurry of movement.  I guess thats the difference between an almost 41 year old and a 3 year old. LOL  He asked me this morning if we’re going to exercise again today so it looks like I have another personal trainer.

I am about to start a new program that I found out about through a message board I belong to. I am joining the Skinny Jeans Club! It’s an 8 week program using nutritional products and I will even have my own celebrity personal trainer!  I’m going to be working with Real Andrews who played Taggert on General Hospital!  He told me that he has a 100% success rate and he’s not going to let me fail.

I should have my products tomorrow and I am so excited about getting started!!

Skinny Jeans here I come!!!!!!

I’m just sitting here debating if I should let Real know about this blog and use it as a way for him to check up on me. Hmmmmm I wonder if that would be a good idea or not? On the one hand it would help keep me more accountable and he can post and give me hell if I mess up.  But on the other hand where will I tell my secrets?? LOL

Any opinions on what I should do?

Then when it was time for breakfast I made myself an egg sandwich but I only ate half of it because my son decided he wanted half after he ate his cereal.  So I grabbed a couple frosted shredded wheat and ate those and I was fine, I felt satisfied.  Lunch was pretty decent too, I had some pulled pork and I didn’t use a roll to save some calories.  I was feeling good about how I was doing today.

After that it was downhill. We ordered pizza for dinner, I wanted to get a margahrita pizza because I thought it would be healthier but my husband wanted the normal extra cheese, pepperoni and sausage. Yeah, can you hear my arteries hardening yet?  Well we ended up compromising and left off the sausage and just got extra cheese and pepperoni.  I know, it’s still bad for me.  I ate one piece and thought “Hmmm I could eat more but I shouldn’t. But if I cut a piece in half that won’t be too bad.”  So that’s what I intended to do.  Notice I say intended???  When I opened the box I saw one slice that was cut smaller then the others but it was still bigger then a half slice.  So I stood there looking at it, debating if I should take it or just cut one in half.  I didn’t cut one in half, I took the other whole, but slightly smaller, slice of pizza.  I ate it and of course I was too full and felt half sick because of it.

Fast forward to this evening, my husband is at work, my son and stepson are in bed.  I’m bored.  I’m watching tv and working on the computer but my mind is wandering.  We had ordered chicken fingers and french fries for my stepson because he doesn’t eat pizza and he didn’t eat one of the chicken fingers and about 15 frenchfries.  So what do I do??? You got it!! I go out in the kitchen heat them up in the microwave and eat them.  I didn’t need them.  I wasn’t even hungry.  I was just bored and what do I do when I’m bored, or stressed or lonely or sad?? I eat. 

So the 30 minutes I spent working out this morning and all the pride I had in myself for doing it is gone.  It’s replaced by guilt and disgust that I’m not strong enough to stay away from food.  I had a good day up until dinner time and then I sabotaged it.  Why do I do these things?  Why do I sabotage myself?  I’m so disgusted that I ate all of that. 

So tomorrow morning I’ll get up and start all over and maybe tomorrow when I think about eating something I shouldn’t I’ll come back and read this to remind myself of how disgusted I’ll feel if I eat it.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll be a little stronger and won’t sabotage myself.  And maybe, just maybe I’ll be proud of myself for more than just a few hours.

I slowly got away from being outside all day and started staying in the house more and then I started gaining weight. I remember being teased in elementary school because of my weight by the kids and even by a teacher.  The teasing only got worse when I entered Junior High and High School.  If someone found out that there was a guy I liked they would tell him and it all became a big joke. I had a few friends but not many and needless to say I was very shy and not outgoing at all.  I hated gym class because I couldn’t do what I was supposed to and I could hear the laughs from all the other kids when I tried and failed.  The worst part of gym class was when it would be co-ed.  For some reason the teachers thought it would be a good idea for us all to learn square dancing.  It wasn’t, it was horrible.  Every time I’d get paired up with a guy the teasing would start the guys would either refuse to touch me when we danced or they would twirl me so hard they would try to knock me down. 

 I hated school and would use any excuse I could to get out of going.  I missed so many days my senior year that I was worried I would not graduate but even though I missed school my grades stayed decent enough for me to graduate with my class.  I was thrilled to be done with that school and I have never gone back.  I have never attended any reunions because I have no use for the people who made my life miserable during those years.

Of course, the teasing didn’t stop after I got out of school.  When I went out to clubs with my friends I made after high school I was never asked to dance.  I would stand or sit at the table while they danced and I was so self concious I couldn’t even dance with just my friends unless I had a few drinks in me.  There were some nights when I was feeling more confident (which were few and far between) and would actually be having fun but then someone would make a comment or turn and just look at me and laugh and the fun would be over.  I remember one time two guys were standing at the table behind me and my friends and the one guy said to the other “There you go there’s one for you.” and he said “Who?”  His friend pointed at me and they both started laughing and he said “No way she’s fat!”  I was so hurt that I could barely hold back the tears when I told my friends I was leaving and I cried the whole way home.

I never had an acutal boyfriend, there were guys I was interested in and a few who made me think they cared about me for their own reasons.  One of whom just used me as his own personal ATM, yeah yeah I know stupid me but at the time I just wanted someone to care about me and I fooled myself into thinking he did.  There was the guy who knew I liked him and didn’t really have the time of day for me until he needed me as a character witness for his trial (I could pick them couldn’t I??).  But he said all the things he would know I’d want to hear and he was so cute and sexy that I fell for it all hook line and sinker.  Then once everything was settled with his trial and I had really fallen for him he just disappeared.  I didn’t hear from him for a couple weeks and all of a sudden he calls me and tells me that he moved back to Texas.  It took me quite awhile to get over that, I really liked him and once again had fooled myself into thinking he cared for me also.  Of course that was because he was a smooth talker who knew what I wanted to hear.  After that I had very little left of my self esteem and it seemed the lower my self esteem went the higher my weight would go.  Which of course led to a never ending circle of gaining weight and feeling even worse about myself.

Finally in my 30’s my brain started to work and I met the man who is now my husband.  We actually met online in a chat room and even though people say it never works out we have been together for nine years.  When we first started talking I didn’t tell him I was overweight, I invented this person I wanted to be and when things started to get more serious I knew I had to tell him the truth.  To my surprise it didn’t matter to him, he didn’t care what my weight was he cared about me for who I was and he thought I was beautiful just the way I was.  To this day he still feels this way even though there are days I don’t understand why.  He doesn’t care what my weight is, he just loves me.  I am a lucky woman to have him in my life and I love him more every day.

Throughout the nine years we have been together my weight has been up and down. In 2003 I had gastric bypass surgery thinking that would be the end of the battle with my weight.  It wasn’t.  Unfortunately there are many ways to sabotage the surgery from eating the wrong foods to increasing the amount of food you eat till you have stretched your stomach.  Now I am at the point where I can eat almost as much as I could before I had the surgery. I lost about 100 pounds after I had the surgery and five years later I have regained almost 50. 

In 2004 I got pregnant with my first and only child.  I was lucky that I didn’t have any complications during my pregnancy even though I was warned that because of my age and my weight I was high risk.  But on June 28th 2005 I gave birth to my beautiful healthy little boy.  At first my weight wasn’t a problem, I didn’t have to worry about keeping up with him.  But fast forward to now and I have a very active three year old who is full of energy and doesn’t slow down and I can’t keep up with him.  I have no energy and I find it hard to play with him.  It’s not fair to him to have a mommy who can’t play like the other mommy’s do.

About two months ago my doctor told me that I have to lose weight, it’s starting to affect my health. I have reflux, in fact it’s been so bad that I have been in the ER for it because we weren’t sure if it was reflux or if I was having a heart attack.  It’s come down to this, I have to lose weight and I have to do it now or my son will grow up without his mommy.  Whether it’s because I died or because I can’t physically do the things I need to do to be there for him.  Either way I don’t want that for him, I want to be here for him as long as I can be and I want to be as healthy as I can.  I want to be able to run with him, play tag or baseball and just go for a walk with him without getting tired or have my foot or hip hurt.  Most of all I don’t want him to be teased at school because his mom is fat.  Kids can be cruel, I know that first hand and I don’t want my son to experience that because of me and my weakness.

So, here I am changing my life at 40.  I’m going to get the life I always wanted and never had the first 40 years of my life.  It’s going to be a long journey but I’m going to do it, I need to do it.  I have to do it for my husband, my son and most of all myself.  I’m tired of living my life the way I have been and it’s time for change.