Changing My Life at 40

So the day started off really well, I was so proud of myself because I did 30 minutes of Wii Fit today.  I did a mixture of aerobics, strength training and yoga.  When I did the aerobics I made sure to do a couple of the step routines back to back so I was getting a decent cardio workout before moving on.

Then when it was time for breakfast I made myself an egg sandwich but I only ate half of it because my son decided he wanted half after he ate his cereal.  So I grabbed a couple frosted shredded wheat and ate those and I was fine, I felt satisfied.  Lunch was pretty decent too, I had some pulled pork and I didn’t use a roll to save some calories.  I was feeling good about how I was doing today.

After that it was downhill. We ordered pizza for dinner, I wanted to get a margahrita pizza because I thought it would be healthier but my husband wanted the normal extra cheese, pepperoni and sausage. Yeah, can you hear my arteries hardening yet?  Well we ended up compromising and left off the sausage and just got extra cheese and pepperoni.  I know, it’s still bad for me.  I ate one piece and thought “Hmmm I could eat more but I shouldn’t. But if I cut a piece in half that won’t be too bad.”  So that’s what I intended to do.  Notice I say intended???  When I opened the box I saw one slice that was cut smaller then the others but it was still bigger then a half slice.  So I stood there looking at it, debating if I should take it or just cut one in half.  I didn’t cut one in half, I took the other whole, but slightly smaller, slice of pizza.  I ate it and of course I was too full and felt half sick because of it.

Fast forward to this evening, my husband is at work, my son and stepson are in bed.  I’m bored.  I’m watching tv and working on the computer but my mind is wandering.  We had ordered chicken fingers and french fries for my stepson because he doesn’t eat pizza and he didn’t eat one of the chicken fingers and about 15 frenchfries.  So what do I do??? You got it!! I go out in the kitchen heat them up in the microwave and eat them.  I didn’t need them.  I wasn’t even hungry.  I was just bored and what do I do when I’m bored, or stressed or lonely or sad?? I eat. 

So the 30 minutes I spent working out this morning and all the pride I had in myself for doing it is gone.  It’s replaced by guilt and disgust that I’m not strong enough to stay away from food.  I had a good day up until dinner time and then I sabotaged it.  Why do I do these things?  Why do I sabotage myself?  I’m so disgusted that I ate all of that. 

So tomorrow morning I’ll get up and start all over and maybe tomorrow when I think about eating something I shouldn’t I’ll come back and read this to remind myself of how disgusted I’ll feel if I eat it.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll be a little stronger and won’t sabotage myself.  And maybe, just maybe I’ll be proud of myself for more than just a few hours.

Filed under: General on July 26th, 2008