Changing My Life at 40

In January I turned 40 and surprisingly I didn’t really mind it except for one thing, my weight.  I have spent almost all of my life overweight except for about the first 10 years of it. I don’t know what happened at that point to make me turn to food and away from being the tomboy I was.  I loved riding my bike, playing kickball, tag and all the normal things that kids used to like to do in the early 70’s before video games, computers and hundreds of TV channels to choose from.

I slowly got away from being outside all day and started staying in the house more and then I started gaining weight. I remember being teased in elementary school because of my weight by the kids and even by a teacher.  The teasing only got worse when I entered Junior High and High School.  If someone found out that there was a guy I liked they would tell him and it all became a big joke. I had a few friends but not many and needless to say I was very shy and not outgoing at all.  I hated gym class because I couldn’t do what I was supposed to and I could hear the laughs from all the other kids when I tried and failed.  The worst part of gym class was when it would be co-ed.  For some reason the teachers thought it would be a good idea for us all to learn square dancing.  It wasn’t, it was horrible.  Every time I’d get paired up with a guy the teasing would start the guys would either refuse to touch me when we danced or they would twirl me so hard they would try to knock me down. 

 I hated school and would use any excuse I could to get out of going.  I missed so many days my senior year that I was worried I would not graduate but even though I missed school my grades stayed decent enough for me to graduate with my class.  I was thrilled to be done with that school and I have never gone back.  I have never attended any reunions because I have no use for the people who made my life miserable during those years.

Of course, the teasing didn’t stop after I got out of school.  When I went out to clubs with my friends I made after high school I was never asked to dance.  I would stand or sit at the table while they danced and I was so self concious I couldn’t even dance with just my friends unless I had a few drinks in me.  There were some nights when I was feeling more confident (which were few and far between) and would actually be having fun but then someone would make a comment or turn and just look at me and laugh and the fun would be over.  I remember one time two guys were standing at the table behind me and my friends and the one guy said to the other “There you go there’s one for you.” and he said “Who?”  His friend pointed at me and they both started laughing and he said “No way she’s fat!”  I was so hurt that I could barely hold back the tears when I told my friends I was leaving and I cried the whole way home.

I never had an acutal boyfriend, there were guys I was interested in and a few who made me think they cared about me for their own reasons.  One of whom just used me as his own personal ATM, yeah yeah I know stupid me but at the time I just wanted someone to care about me and I fooled myself into thinking he did.  There was the guy who knew I liked him and didn’t really have the time of day for me until he needed me as a character witness for his trial (I could pick them couldn’t I??).  But he said all the things he would know I’d want to hear and he was so cute and sexy that I fell for it all hook line and sinker.  Then once everything was settled with his trial and I had really fallen for him he just disappeared.  I didn’t hear from him for a couple weeks and all of a sudden he calls me and tells me that he moved back to Texas.  It took me quite awhile to get over that, I really liked him and once again had fooled myself into thinking he cared for me also.  Of course that was because he was a smooth talker who knew what I wanted to hear.  After that I had very little left of my self esteem and it seemed the lower my self esteem went the higher my weight would go.  Which of course led to a never ending circle of gaining weight and feeling even worse about myself.

Finally in my 30’s my brain started to work and I met the man who is now my husband.  We actually met online in a chat room and even though people say it never works out we have been together for nine years.  When we first started talking I didn’t tell him I was overweight, I invented this person I wanted to be and when things started to get more serious I knew I had to tell him the truth.  To my surprise it didn’t matter to him, he didn’t care what my weight was he cared about me for who I was and he thought I was beautiful just the way I was.  To this day he still feels this way even though there are days I don’t understand why.  He doesn’t care what my weight is, he just loves me.  I am a lucky woman to have him in my life and I love him more every day.

Throughout the nine years we have been together my weight has been up and down. In 2003 I had gastric bypass surgery thinking that would be the end of the battle with my weight.  It wasn’t.  Unfortunately there are many ways to sabotage the surgery from eating the wrong foods to increasing the amount of food you eat till you have stretched your stomach.  Now I am at the point where I can eat almost as much as I could before I had the surgery. I lost about 100 pounds after I had the surgery and five years later I have regained almost 50. 

In 2004 I got pregnant with my first and only child.  I was lucky that I didn’t have any complications during my pregnancy even though I was warned that because of my age and my weight I was high risk.  But on June 28th 2005 I gave birth to my beautiful healthy little boy.  At first my weight wasn’t a problem, I didn’t have to worry about keeping up with him.  But fast forward to now and I have a very active three year old who is full of energy and doesn’t slow down and I can’t keep up with him.  I have no energy and I find it hard to play with him.  It’s not fair to him to have a mommy who can’t play like the other mommy’s do.

About two months ago my doctor told me that I have to lose weight, it’s starting to affect my health. I have reflux, in fact it’s been so bad that I have been in the ER for it because we weren’t sure if it was reflux or if I was having a heart attack.  It’s come down to this, I have to lose weight and I have to do it now or my son will grow up without his mommy.  Whether it’s because I died or because I can’t physically do the things I need to do to be there for him.  Either way I don’t want that for him, I want to be here for him as long as I can be and I want to be as healthy as I can.  I want to be able to run with him, play tag or baseball and just go for a walk with him without getting tired or have my foot or hip hurt.  Most of all I don’t want him to be teased at school because his mom is fat.  Kids can be cruel, I know that first hand and I don’t want my son to experience that because of me and my weakness.

So, here I am changing my life at 40.  I’m going to get the life I always wanted and never had the first 40 years of my life.  It’s going to be a long journey but I’m going to do it, I need to do it.  I have to do it for my husband, my son and most of all myself.  I’m tired of living my life the way I have been and it’s time for change.

Filed under: General on July 22nd, 2008