In August, my other classes ended, & I advanced to the next round of derby try-outs. My overall exercise time stayed approximately the same (2-3 hours 5 days per week), but practices increased in intensity; I was working out with athletes who placed first at Nationals!

But even though we sweated like crazy 15 hours each week, the rollergirl ethos among my skaters is very much: work hard, party harder. Despite my intention to lose weight with all this working out, I managed to gain another 7 pounds. I now weigh 213.8.

At some point, I had to work through the adrenaline, ego, & group-think to see that, while it was/is ultra-impressive & fun & cool to be working out with my favorite sports team, it wasn’t really advancing my goals. And, although not my only, as long as weight loss was a goal of mine, skating derby was counter-productive to them ~~ at least in the short term. I probably would have eventually found a way to lose weight with derby; many girls have. But, it didn’t work with other areas of my life as well.

So, now I’m back. A little bigger, stronger, & kinda wondering where I go from here. I need to create a new dining & exercise plan. Then, I need to stick to it. I’m feeling a lot larger than the total 8 pounds I’ve gained. I thought I’d weigh less than 200 by now. I thought, with all that exercise I did this summer, I’d weigh a lot closer to my goal weight than I am right now. I truly didn’t expect to put on pounds. It’s frustrating. But I’m not frustrated yet.

Gotta go make plans to reach my goals…  

“I’m fat. Too large to sit comfortably in a seat at the opera; and, too small to think much at all about my body until I do try to sit in those darn seats. And then I look around & realize nearly everyone else can set their purses next to their thighs & rest their arms on the armrests instead of having to pull them tight across their [really large] chests & guts as I must.”

I got off on a very NON-illustrious start:

“Today I awoke with the intention of starting my day on the treadmill. Instead, however, I putzed around the house for a few hours before my husband left for work, then sat down in front of the computer & tv.”

I didn’t make mention of exercise much until Janurary 7th, when I wrote:

“Yay me! I just speed walked 3 miles in a little over an hour.”

After that, I mostly reported my failings, until Feb 28th, when I (drumroll please):

“I completed an entire [exercise] tape without stopping.”

Now, just a year and six months after that: I’m a rollergirl.

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) RAWR!!!!!!!!!! :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

That’s right. Try-outs were last night. I made it onto one of my area’s toughest teams. I’ve worked very hard to get to where I am today, & I’m going to have to continue working hard to stay there & improve.

I feel rejuvinated & ready to roar. 

I left home when I was 18, but throughout our young adulthood, whenever I’d return home, my weight would be one of our #1 topics of conversation. I was always “too fat”.

Even when I was recovering from my eating disorders, she still said “we should lose some weight”.

I’ll grant you, she’s a bit touched in the head. Mean, even. But I was too. All my friends from high school are Mean Girls because I was a Mean Girl, too.

I see my high school friends every few years & it is generally nice to catch up with them. This time, I’m going back for a specific, special occasion for my best friend. And, at first I was excited to reveal the “new me” ~ the lighter me.

But one of the things I’ve been working on lately is not expecting my friends’ & family’s feelings about my weight to be similiar to the feelings I have about my weight. 

My feelings about my body have never been similar to theirs before, so why would they be now?

My goal is to approach this visit with all my old BFFs with a “whatever” attitude about whatever they say or seem to imply. I am what I am: I workout regularly & hard. I eat well. I take vitamins. I don’t drink, smoke, or take drugs. I moisturize regularly. I take naps. I am doing what I can to have a healthy body. I take the time to dress well, accessorize, apply makeup, & do my hair. I am doing what I can to look nicely.

Aside from all of that, however my body appears is beyond my control. So, “whatever” to backhanded compliments. “Whatever” to the offer that I can go through my BFF’s old, no longer needed fat clothes. “Whatever” to anything else that may happen this weekend. Whatever to all.

The beautiful thing about Mean Girls is that they rarely mature past their “best years”. The beautiful thing about me is: mine are yet to come  

Did no one notice? Has everyone been conditioned to avoid the topic of weight around me? Is the possibility that I’m at least starting to look conventionally pretty offensive or scary? I don’t know.

I didn’t bring it up either, though.

I did, however, go to all my workout classes. I talked about my workout classes. I even took advice from my personal training & aerobics instructor sister on how to work my abs.

Emotionally, the visit went very well.

My burlesque classes have been a bit more difficult to deal with. I was unprepared for the requirement that I try to feel sexy while watching reflection in a wall-length mirror. The first day, I wore regular workout attire. I’m still twice the size of almost every performer. I felt like a shot-put throwing man; not a beautiful & graceful woman.

But, I’m still hanging in there. I bought myself a flowing knit dress I can dance in & feel pretty in. And then I signed up for two more burlesque workout classes.  

I’m also working out in a trampoline class & at derby camp. Because my muscles are tight, I’d like to start swimming or just sitting in a sauna 2-3 times each week ~~ I haven’t gotten to it yet, though; my current workout schedule plus commute is almost a full-time job!    

As busy as I’ve kept myself, I haven’t lost any weight. In fact, I’ve gained. My current weight is 207.8. That’s up from my lowest of 205.4 on April 17th.

I try to tell myself that it’s muscle-mass. But, I haven’t stuck to my diet as well as I should have.

Not only have I compensated for the extra exertion with extra calories, I also got REALLY EXCITED about being almost a normal sized person & I just went along with all the food excursions my average-to-small sized friends suggested.

Do average-to-small sized people eat pastries & dim sum ALL THE FREAKING TIME, or are my friends trying to sabotage me & my weight loss goals?!?!? I really do not know ~ but, I’m giving my friends the benefit of the doubt WHILE I also retain the possibility that maybe, subconsciously, they don’t want to give up their position as “the pretty one”.

Who could blame them, really? So, I won’t hate them for that, if it’s true. I just need to be conscious of the possibility & stick to my goals no matter what.

So, that’s pretty much where I’ve been, & where I am right now. I will be writing more regularly now that my sister has left. I needed to stay away to remain non-reflective & prepare for what I thought would be a very emotional visit. Thankfully, it wasn’t. We actually had a really wonderful time

But, why oh why, didn’t she tell me how great I look?!?!?

Arg.   

And I’m not talking about my weight. Yeah, sure, I’ve lost 1/3 of my body weight since last I saw them. But I’m talking about the things I’ve gained.

There are several classes I’ve wanted to take. For years, I’ve considered signing up. But, I declined for one reason or the next. This year, I’ve decided to sign up.

So, I will be taking a few bellydancing & burlesque classes this summer, at the end of which, I will perform (LIVE!) on stage… assumedly dressing down to my skivvies!! :-S lol

Any other year, I would have said “no, I can’t take these classes this year because they happen during my sisters’ visit, & I either don’t want to take away from them OR I don’t want to put myself out in a way that lets my sisters know my interests”. I’ve always put my sisters’ needs before mine. And, since childhood, I’ve tried very hard to never give them any information about me in fear that they would use that information against me.

This year, however, I have changed. I have needs. I have desires. And these take precedence over my sisters *even when* my sisters are only here for a limited amount of time & the things I’d like to do will happen again later. My needs & desires also exist *despite* whatever my sisters want to think, say, or do about them. And, I will not ignore them any longer.

Even though they frighten me.

Tonight is my first class. It will be me and a roomful of professional burlesque dancers. As you might imagine, this scenario causes me a bit of stress. As I nervously push myself to do the things I long to do but fear; as I awkwardly try to navigate this formerly stagnant body of mine I sometimes do not recognize; as I meet new & beautiful & seemingly confident people hoping that I do not reveal myself as the dork I fear I am, I do these things knowing that this is how I break new ground.

I have to force myself into the new world ~~ into a new way of being ~~ so that I can live the way I want to live.

And I do these things despite my sisters, despite my family, despite society, despite myself. I do these things because they are my next first steps.   

Believe me, my family is not sitting at home wondering how to repair their relationship with anyone. They do not let any concerns they may have for other people get in the way of doing something for themselves.

Now, we can debate whether, in the whole, these actions make them better people. But, while reflecting upon my relationships with my family these past few weeks has been insightful &, I think, helpful, it also has made me a bit depressed.

I haven’t wanted to exercise or eat well at all lately. I’ve given in to my cravings more than I care to admit. And, in the process, the scale showed this morning, that I’ve gained a two pounds.

I know ~ not a serious amount to be worried about. Truly. It could pass without notice this afternoon. But, I bet my family didn’t gain weight, feel like crap, eat like crap, & avoid exercising for several weeks while contemplating their relationships with me.

Introspection & reflection is useful. I’ve had more than 6 years of therapy, which helped immensely. But, in preparation for my family. I’ve tried the introspective & reflective routes before. At best, it resulted in protecting me. By recognizing patterns & anticipating that my family would not behave differently “this time”, I became almost immune to their insults and avoided hurt feelings, miscommunication, & caring what my family thinks or says or does.

All that’s well & good, but not satisfying.

Now that I’ve poured that foundation, I’m going to start building upon it. The next step in this process seems to be to take care of myself in ways that make me feel good about what I’m doing for me.

Exercising. Eating well. Getting good sleep. Spending time with my loved ones. Working on & enjoying the things in life that make me happy.

These are the things that, when I do them, I ward off depression. They are self-reinforcing in a positive way. And, knowing I’ve done them, I feel good about myself & ready to be present for myself.

So, I’ve got a new attitude!

In the 6 1/2 weeks before my family arrives, my goal is to exercise 6 days a week. I will also stick to my proscribed diet (the one I’ve been using that has worked well for over one year). I will get enough sleep each night &, when I don’t, I will nap the next day. I will work on the things that make me feel good about myself. And I will take time to relax with loved ones.

That’s what I’m going to do for me.     

I’m starting to see my pretty features. And, I think this goes beyond the mere fact I’ve lost weight & thus I have less fat covering my features. Because, when I was thin, I couldn’t see my beauty.

Believing that one is pretty is more than just physically being able to distinguish bone structure from fat. Believing one is pretty requires a certain frame of mind.

When I was growing up, I wasn’t allowed to be pretty. Which isn’t to say I wasn’t pretty, or that people outside my family didn’t think I was pretty. I’m simply saying that my family doled out characteristics as if each child could only be or have one thing; there wasn’t enough “pretty” to go around, so my sisters had to share a piece & I, as the older & more mature one, had to suck it up & go without.

This parsing of talents & gifts extended to everything: art, sports, intelligence… EVERYTHING.

Since I was the oldest, I usually experienced a certain talent or characteristic first. But, when one of my sisters wanted to experience it, my parents instructed me to “hand it over”. I could no longer participate in sports because one wanted that; I was no longer considered the smart & creative child when another sister wanted that.

As an adult, I’ve had to reclaim the characteristics I let go throughout my childhood. I had to enroll in community college & see myself through Honors programs & a law degree before I could accept that I am, in fact, smart. I had to try out for roller derby, climb mountains in Alaska, & take almost every exercise class under the sun before I could accept I am athletic.

I’m not certain what all it will take before I can believe that I am pretty. But, today, for the first time in my life (perhaps?), I looked into the mirror & thought to myself, “wow, I’m actually kinda stunning”. :-D

Of course, I don’t mean this in a bad way; I think it is good that we think of ourselves in positive ways ~~ much like we typically think of everyone else we encounter throughout our days!!! Why is that we will automatically judge a stranger as beautiful, but not ourselves? Sure, we see our “flaws” & have had time to examine every “fault” and change.

But what would happen if we gave ourselves a fair shake? A fresh, new start?

Would we see a person with beautiful eyes? A smooth complexion? A nice, round face? Would we wish we had his or her kinda crooked smile, interesting lines, or sexy greying hair?

What if we had never heard the bad things people said about or to us? The things we said, repeatedly, to ourselves?

What would we do? What would we think? What could no one possibly persuade us not to try? 

I’m inches away from accepting myself as pretty. And it is a process that requires more than losing pounds. It is a process about changing the way I view myself. I’m not sure what steps it will take for me to get there. But, everything I do along those lines will, I believe, require more of me accepting myself as beautiful by doing things that make me feel as if I’m beautiful.

Inside & out. They work together.

I was a fat baby. I was a fat kid. I was a fat anorexic. I was fat even when I wore the same clothes as my thin & popular friends. I was fat even when I weighed less than them. I have certainly been way too fat all my life; but, especially, since I became obese.

I’m no longer obese. I am, according to the BMI charts, still overweight. And while I care less & less about what my family will think of me, I still wonder: what does it mean to me to no longer be obese?

Certainly, I still have fat. I hope that I always will. But, *am* *I* *fat*????

I titled this post “Less than a Red-Headed Stepchild” because, growing up, I had often heard this phrase used to describe a situation in which a person had to parent a very undesirable child.

The thing is, however, my mom always wanted a red-headed child. She often talked about how she wished one of us had been born with red curls, & she actually dated at least one person because she wanted a red-headed stepchild.

I don’t think she ever wanted me. And, my sisters & I grew up learning to be dissatisfied with me.

Just to get started on my weight loss, I’ve had to use AND ignore my dissatisfaction with myself. I used it to tell myself I had hit ”rock bottom” & that I needed to change. I ignored it every time I pushed past my fears about being the fattest person at the gym or my fears that I wouldn’t be able to exercise the way I had decided I wanted to try.  

What I’ve discovered is that, even though I started this journey using my dissatisfaction with myself as a catalyst, I’ve become very happy & satisfied with me.

So, what happens next?

Specifically, I wonder what will happen when I interact with my family ~~ a family who is used to treating me as if they are dissatisfied with me & used to me being complicit in that dissatisfaction ~~ what happens when I instead counter & proceed with respect for myself?

As I prepare for my sister’s arrival, I believe I will probably be writing a bit more on this subject. I can’t figure it all out today, so I’m going to sign off for now.

Faithfully yours, 

~~ Lanvin, a.k.a., No Longer Less than a Red-Headed Stepchild          

That’s where I feel I am. I decided to live, & now I gotta find out what happens next.

Every day, I see a reflection of myself that I enjoy. Sure, I have a ways to go before I feel I’m done getting my body into shape. But, already, I feel I’m living a “normal life”.

People no longer give me disapproving stares when I order food or try to sit next to someone on a bus. I can be seated at any reasonably sized place without fear that I won’t fit or that I’ll need an extended seatbelt. I can shop at the high end but still within regular sized stores ~~ & I can buy not just accessories, but actual clothes! I think this is how most average-sized people live.

Additionally, I’ve taken a few steps to make myself stand out a bit. I wear bright clothes. I’ve dyed my hair pink. I smile A LOT. I’ve made friends with a fun crowd. Auntie Mame would agree that I’m living, I’m living!

So, what do I do next?

For instance, if we’ve already established that my family hurts me & won’t change. Maybe the logical solution resides with me.

We always say to ourselves & others that we have to lose weight just for us. But what does that mean?

I think it means that we each decide our own “right way” to eat, move, breathe, sleep, laugh, & live. Once we have decided that, we enact those choices ~ daily (ideally); regularly (more realistically).

Occasionally, some people (ahem! we all know who… ;-P ) will try to bring us down. They will use whatever they can to do so. But if we’ve already decided that we know what’s best for us & we are working on those goals as best we can, then what really can they do to assail or stop us?

After Agnes Gooch’s night of living, she ends up pregnant. Maybe things didn’t go the way she anticipated or would have even wanted. But, when we next see Agnes, she is beautiful. She’s eating well, dressing smartly, doing her hair & makeup in a way that enhances her beauty almost naturally, & has surrounded herself with loving friends ~~ her new family.

A family of jerks at Auntie Mame’s party judges her poorly. Agnes begins to cry. But her new family steps in to comfort her, & we see that, *really*, the family of jerks cannot hurt her. Agnes knows who she is. She knows she is doing all she can to live well. She knows she is loved.

So, she returns to living her life as well as she can. At least, we assume she does; the movie isn’t really about Agnes, so we don’t know for sure what she does. But that is what this Agnes will do.

Since I’ve started my journey from out of shape to fairly fit, I’ve discovered certain things that work for me. I like to eat three times each day. Sometimes I eat a snack. I like to vigorously exercise my body for at least two hours each week. I like some of that time to be spent outdoors, but if not, then I like to get at least an hours walk in each week out of doors. I like to get at least 7 hours of sleep each night. If I don’t, I like to take naps. I like alone time. I like time with my husband & friends. I like time laying around with my cats, especially when I can listen to them purr. I like surrounding myself with beautiful things. I like creating. I like creating everything from dresses to messes! I like dressing up. I like dressing down. Anything in between makes me feel like a shlub. I go to the store once a week, & get pretty much the same thing as the week prior. I like the consistency, but I also am not afraid to veer off track & throw in a chocolate every now & again.

These are the things I find I need every week to feel good. They don’t have anything to do with my family. That list exists exclusively to serve my needs. If I follow it, it does no one else any good, except in so far as a healthy & happy me effects other people. 

But an interesting effect, too… *I think*… will be that, if I follow it, I will be following the “rules” I’ve discovered work for me. And, once I’ve done what works for me, it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks or says. Also, I’ve discovered, the people who really love me, also support me.

So, while I’m not holding my breath on this, & while I don’t expect my family to behave differently “this time”, I do think there is an element of bravery I must enact while they’re here. I do think I must behave in ways that work for me.

This means, I cannot slip into my [OLD & REJECTED] “role” of being their ever-loving, never complaining, always accommodating “mommy”. I must stand up as ME, for ME, & be ME.

Let the chips fall where they may. The Gooch has decided to live. And I know what to do next.            

Without getting into our extensive histories, it’s safe to say our family is screwed up. I feel, particularly toward me.

I’m the “black sheep” of the family ~~ or, maybe I should say “white sheep”. I’m the only sober person in my family. The only one with an education. The only one who made it into adulthood without an unwanted pregnancy. The only one who has never been incarcerated.

My family doesn’t know me. I’ve spent thousands of dollars flying or driving or taking a bus all over this country trying to visit them. More than once, I’ve arrived only to discover that the family member who had said she would meet me decided at the last minute not to come or tell me. When we do get a chance to spend time together, it often goes horribly.

My family blames me for everything that has ever gone wrong in their lives. In their eyes, I’m responsible for ruining my mom’s life because I was the child she got pregnant with at 15. My dad is dead, & I doubt he’d blame me for this, but my one sister believes dad gave up his fight against cancer because he felt I didn’t love him enough. Both my sisters believe I abandoned them & didn’t take good enough care of them when we were kids.

I understand these accusations are ridiculous & untrue. I also understand (or at least choose to believe) that my family cannot accept responsibility for their actions & my sisters cannot bring themselves to be mad at our parents instead of me for the way we were [not] raised.

These are things I cannot change. They bother me. They result in extremely hurtful behaviors toward me that I can do nothing to prevent or alter either.

The thing is, I’m still human. I still want to spend time with my siblings & parent. And yet, my youngest sister is bringing her family out here to visit. She has been planning this trip in earnest for more than one year.

I’ve kept my weight loss a secret from my family. I’ve told other people that I’ve done this because I wanted to surprise them.

As the day becomes more imminent, I’m starting to see that I’m not looking forward to that surprise because I believe *I* will be the only person really shocked. I think it will go badly, just as all my visits with family go.

I will never be good enough for them. Ever.

Somehow, I got it into my head that my family will see me & think I look pretty enough that all the other drama will go away. For once, I’d be acceptable. We’d see each other, smile, hug, talk about how wonderful we both look, & then sit down for a pleasant cup of tea, a few teeny scones, & homemade jam.

That’s how my friends & I are.

That’s not how my family will be.

So, instead, I prepare for war. I remind myself that despite vague similarities, we seem to share almost nothing in common. For instance, I like me. I’m proud of the part of my appearance I had anything to do with (the rest is luck/blessings), but I think my interior world is important & interesting, too.

My family cares little about cultivating an interior life. They get by in this world on their looks (most people say my sisters & mom are GORGEOUS!!!!!) They often behave horribly. But, beautiful people can without retribution.

I guess we gross each other out. Honestly. I think their behaviors & utter self-absorption are repulsive. They think my weight is disgusting, disapprove of my interests & job, & hate my husband because he’s a very bad influence (he helped me get sober, through my eating disorders, educated, & happy; the fiend! lol!).

This post is really long, as family stuff usually is. I guess I just needed a place to share some of the things that have been floating around my head & driving me nuts.

Right now, I think I need to see clearly that no matter how I appear, my family will not approve of me. They will not treat me well. They will hurt me. They will not ever get to know me. They will see what they want to see & leave feeling vindicated in their assessments & proclamations that I am not worthy.

My weight loss. My body. My health. All these things must be for me. About me. And not dependent upon anything having to do with my family. PLEASE, GOD, grant me the strength to feel & know that & to get through whatever sort of crap my family throws at me.

I’m usually not the sort of person who prays. I’m usually not the sort of person who talks about her family. Maybe it’s time for a change. Maybe it’s time for a chance.

PLEASE, GOD.