appetite4destruction

I’ve been trying to compose an opening line, but there just doesn’t seem to be any clear way to start. Lately, we’ve explored a lot of family issues. My sisters’ impending arrival looms large because *this time* I want at least one thing to be different: ME.

And I’m not talking about my weight. Yeah, sure, I’ve lost 1/3 of my body weight since last I saw them. But I’m talking about the things I’ve gained.

There are several classes I’ve wanted to take. For years, I’ve considered signing up. But, I declined for one reason or the next. This year, I’ve decided to sign up.

So, I will be taking a few bellydancing & burlesque classes this summer, at the end of which, I will perform (LIVE!) on stage… assumedly dressing down to my skivvies!! :-S lol

Any other year, I would have said “no, I can’t take these classes this year because they happen during my sisters’ visit, & I either don’t want to take away from them OR I don’t want to put myself out in a way that lets my sisters know my interests”. I’ve always put my sisters’ needs before mine. And, since childhood, I’ve tried very hard to never give them any information about me in fear that they would use that information against me.

This year, however, I have changed. I have needs. I have desires. And these take precedence over my sisters *even when* my sisters are only here for a limited amount of time & the things I’d like to do will happen again later. My needs & desires also exist *despite* whatever my sisters want to think, say, or do about them. And, I will not ignore them any longer.

Even though they frighten me.

Tonight is my first class. It will be me and a roomful of professional burlesque dancers. As you might imagine, this scenario causes me a bit of stress. As I nervously push myself to do the things I long to do but fear; as I awkwardly try to navigate this formerly stagnant body of mine I sometimes do not recognize; as I meet new & beautiful & seemingly confident people hoping that I do not reveal myself as the dork I fear I am, I do these things knowing that this is how I break new ground.

I have to force myself into the new world ~~ into a new way of being ~~ so that I can live the way I want to live.

And I do these things despite my sisters, despite my family, despite society, despite myself. I do these things because they are my next first steps.   

Posted on May 20th, 2009 by lanvin
Filed under: Uncategorized