appetite4destruction

Lately, I’ve been trying to view myself with a compassionate eye. I try to see myself as my husband sees me: pretty, cute, beautiful, & sexy. I try to view myself as if I was looking at a stranger; what would I see? Objectively, what I see is very different & significantly more pleasing to me than what I’ve historically told myself I am.

I’m starting to see my pretty features. And, I think this goes beyond the mere fact I’ve lost weight & thus I have less fat covering my features. Because, when I was thin, I couldn’t see my beauty.

Believing that one is pretty is more than just physically being able to distinguish bone structure from fat. Believing one is pretty requires a certain frame of mind.

When I was growing up, I wasn’t allowed to be pretty. Which isn’t to say I wasn’t pretty, or that people outside my family didn’t think I was pretty. I’m simply saying that my family doled out characteristics as if each child could only be or have one thing; there wasn’t enough “pretty” to go around, so my sisters had to share a piece & I, as the older & more mature one, had to suck it up & go without.

This parsing of talents & gifts extended to everything: art, sports, intelligence… EVERYTHING.

Since I was the oldest, I usually experienced a certain talent or characteristic first. But, when one of my sisters wanted to experience it, my parents instructed me to “hand it over”. I could no longer participate in sports because one wanted that; I was no longer considered the smart & creative child when another sister wanted that.

As an adult, I’ve had to reclaim the characteristics I let go throughout my childhood. I had to enroll in community college & see myself through Honors programs & a law degree before I could accept that I am, in fact, smart. I had to try out for roller derby, climb mountains in Alaska, & take almost every exercise class under the sun before I could accept I am athletic.

I’m not certain what all it will take before I can believe that I am pretty. But, today, for the first time in my life (perhaps?), I looked into the mirror & thought to myself, “wow, I’m actually kinda stunning”. :-D

Of course, I don’t mean this in a bad way; I think it is good that we think of ourselves in positive ways ~~ much like we typically think of everyone else we encounter throughout our days!!! Why is that we will automatically judge a stranger as beautiful, but not ourselves? Sure, we see our “flaws” & have had time to examine every “fault” and change.

But what would happen if we gave ourselves a fair shake? A fresh, new start?

Would we see a person with beautiful eyes? A smooth complexion? A nice, round face? Would we wish we had his or her kinda crooked smile, interesting lines, or sexy greying hair?

What if we had never heard the bad things people said about or to us? The things we said, repeatedly, to ourselves?

What would we do? What would we think? What could no one possibly persuade us not to try? 

I’m inches away from accepting myself as pretty. And it is a process that requires more than losing pounds. It is a process about changing the way I view myself. I’m not sure what steps it will take for me to get there. But, everything I do along those lines will, I believe, require more of me accepting myself as beautiful by doing things that make me feel as if I’m beautiful.

Inside & out. They work together.

Posted on May 7th, 2009 by lanvin
Filed under: Uncategorized