My family has always considered me fat. They gave me a two-worded nickname & the first word was “fat”. Fat has always been a very bad thing to be in my family. Yet, in their eyes, I have always been fat.
I was a fat baby. I was a fat kid. I was a fat anorexic. I was fat even when I wore the same clothes as my thin & popular friends. I was fat even when I weighed less than them. I have certainly been way too fat all my life; but, especially, since I became obese.
I’m no longer obese. I am, according to the BMI charts, still overweight. And while I care less & less about what my family will think of me, I still wonder: what does it mean to me to no longer be obese?
Certainly, I still have fat. I hope that I always will. But, *am* *I* *fat*????
I titled this post “Less than a Red-Headed Stepchild” because, growing up, I had often heard this phrase used to describe a situation in which a person had to parent a very undesirable child.
The thing is, however, my mom always wanted a red-headed child. She often talked about how she wished one of us had been born with red curls, & she actually dated at least one person because she wanted a red-headed stepchild.
I don’t think she ever wanted me. And, my sisters & I grew up learning to be dissatisfied with me.
Just to get started on my weight loss, I’ve had to use AND ignore my dissatisfaction with myself. I used it to tell myself I had hit ”rock bottom” & that I needed to change. I ignored it every time I pushed past my fears about being the fattest person at the gym or my fears that I wouldn’t be able to exercise the way I had decided I wanted to try.
What I’ve discovered is that, even though I started this journey using my dissatisfaction with myself as a catalyst, I’ve become very happy & satisfied with me.
So, what happens next?
Specifically, I wonder what will happen when I interact with my family ~~ a family who is used to treating me as if they are dissatisfied with me & used to me being complicit in that dissatisfaction ~~ what happens when I instead counter & proceed with respect for myself?
As I prepare for my sister’s arrival, I believe I will probably be writing a bit more on this subject. I can’t figure it all out today, so I’m going to sign off for now.
Faithfully yours,
~~ Lanvin, a.k.a., No Longer Less than a Red-Headed Stepchild 
Posted on May 5th, 2009 by lanvin
Filed under: Uncategorized
Wow, these are some pretty intense feelings to work through. I don’t have any words of wisdom for you during their visit other than feel the feelings instead of trying to cover them up w/food. It’s hard and it’s scary but it’s healthier.
Please keep blogging about it. I know that I have worked through a lot of issues as I type. We’re here for you.
That is a really touching post. Good luck with your sister and I hope you are able to keep in mind that you do have worth, and I hope she can see it and accept it.
Thanks!