I don’t usually talk about my sisters or mom & dad. I think about them, & probably talk about them, more than I see or talk to them. We don’t live near each other. The closest person to me, geographically, is my sister (both my sisters are younger than me); & she lives several large US states away.
Without getting into our extensive histories, it’s safe to say our family is screwed up. I feel, particularly toward me.
I’m the “black sheep” of the family ~~ or, maybe I should say “white sheep”. I’m the only sober person in my family. The only one with an education. The only one who made it into adulthood without an unwanted pregnancy. The only one who has never been incarcerated.
My family doesn’t know me. I’ve spent thousands of dollars flying or driving or taking a bus all over this country trying to visit them. More than once, I’ve arrived only to discover that the family member who had said she would meet me decided at the last minute not to come or tell me. When we do get a chance to spend time together, it often goes horribly.
My family blames me for everything that has ever gone wrong in their lives. In their eyes, I’m responsible for ruining my mom’s life because I was the child she got pregnant with at 15. My dad is dead, & I doubt he’d blame me for this, but my one sister believes dad gave up his fight against cancer because he felt I didn’t love him enough. Both my sisters believe I abandoned them & didn’t take good enough care of them when we were kids.
I understand these accusations are ridiculous & untrue. I also understand (or at least choose to believe) that my family cannot accept responsibility for their actions & my sisters cannot bring themselves to be mad at our parents instead of me for the way we were [not] raised.
These are things I cannot change. They bother me. They result in extremely hurtful behaviors toward me that I can do nothing to prevent or alter either.
The thing is, I’m still human. I still want to spend time with my siblings & parent. And yet, my youngest sister is bringing her family out here to visit. She has been planning this trip in earnest for more than one year.
I’ve kept my weight loss a secret from my family. I’ve told other people that I’ve done this because I wanted to surprise them.
As the day becomes more imminent, I’m starting to see that I’m not looking forward to that surprise because I believe *I* will be the only person really shocked. I think it will go badly, just as all my visits with family go.
I will never be good enough for them. Ever.
Somehow, I got it into my head that my family will see me & think I look pretty enough that all the other drama will go away. For once, I’d be acceptable. We’d see each other, smile, hug, talk about how wonderful we both look, & then sit down for a pleasant cup of tea, a few teeny scones, & homemade jam.
That’s how my friends & I are.
That’s not how my family will be.
So, instead, I prepare for war. I remind myself that despite vague similarities, we seem to share almost nothing in common. For instance, I like me. I’m proud of the part of my appearance I had anything to do with (the rest is luck/blessings), but I think my interior world is important & interesting, too.
My family cares little about cultivating an interior life. They get by in this world on their looks (most people say my sisters & mom are GORGEOUS!!!!!) They often behave horribly. But, beautiful people can without retribution.
I guess we gross each other out. 
Honestly. I think their behaviors & utter self-absorption are repulsive. They think my weight is disgusting, disapprove of my interests & job, & hate my husband because he’s a very bad influence (he helped me get sober, through my eating disorders, educated, & happy; the fiend! lol!).
This post is really long, as family stuff usually is. I guess I just needed a place to share some of the things that have been floating around my head & driving me nuts.
Right now, I think I need to see clearly that no matter how I appear, my family will not approve of me. They will not treat me well. They will hurt me. They will not ever get to know me. They will see what they want to see & leave feeling vindicated in their assessments & proclamations that I am not worthy.
My weight loss. My body. My health. All these things must be for me. About me. And not dependent upon anything having to do with my family. PLEASE, GOD, grant me the strength to feel & know that & to get through whatever sort of crap my family throws at me.
I’m usually not the sort of person who prays. I’m usually not the sort of person who talks about her family. Maybe it’s time for a change. Maybe it’s time for a chance.
PLEASE, GOD.
Posted on April 28th, 2009 by lanvin
Filed under: Uncategorized
I have my share of family drama. I know how it feels not to be good enough.. so I can relate to a lot of what you have written. I would plan that your weight loss surprise will go bad. Not because you don’t look good, but from what you are writing here.. it sounds like your family resents the fact that you have done well, that you are sober, that you are educated.. the only thing they did have that you didn’t was a skinny body… but now you have that too.. that might be hard for them to swallow.
But you have to remind yourself that you deserve to be healthy and beautiful, and NO ONE can take that away from you except yourself. We all have fantasies about what family life should be like.. maybe it is growing up watching the Cosby Show or something.. I don’t know.. but we don’t get to choose our family, just our friends.
I have to agree with paperskin, no matter what, past experience has shown you that your experiences with your family hasn’t been what you wanted.
My father was never really a good father. While he provided for us moneywise, in other ways he was never there and made me feel inferior my whole life. Finally just before I turned 22 I’d had enough and hadn’t spoke to him since. Don’t get me wrong- it’s not the greatest thing- and it took me a while to move on (it’s been 4 years since I’ve spoken to him) but my life has been so much richer without the negativity. Though I do have my mother and sister and brother in my life, I don’t speak to the rest of my family. My mother has no other family and my father’s family are just as bad as him. I also have my husband’s family and a few close friends. In my opinion it’s him who is missing out- not me.
Good luck.
So sorry that you have had to go through so much. We all have these idealized images of what families should be but most never measure up. Just b/c you share DNA w/people it doesn’t mean you have a lot in common with them or that they are decent people. And I also agree w/paperskin, beauty/thinness was the one thing your family had that you didn’t and now you’re on their level as well as having everything else.
We haven’t spoken to my husband’s father for several years now. I won’t bore you w/the details but the hardest part wasn’t actually not having contact w/him but realizing that it was OK that we stopped contact w/him. I kept wanting to try to reconcile but my hubby finally convinced me that I was doing it just b/c I thought I should, not b/c it was what was best for our family or even the right thing to do. If we weren’t related to him we would NEVER choose to interact with him.
I hope that God answers your prayers and that you have a surprisingly good visit. And if not, I hope that you have the strength to endure their visit.
Keep us posted.
Brandie
Thank you, everyone! It seems we all have issues with family that will likely never be resolved.
I’m sure I’ll return many times to this page for support & encouragement. I appreciate that
Bless you all!
Lanvin
Wow - you’re blog writing is always so honest. I think its brave to face these kinds of difficult truths. Its the only way to overcome it. I have a tough time with family also - our shared history is not so warm & fuzzy. But it does help me remember my roots.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. It helps you to see how far you’ve come!!
Welcome back!