Nothing new to report. I’m holding down the fort with butter & cheese. No, not really ;-) I have been very hungry lately, though, I think because I’m tired. I get really hungry when I’m tired. So, I’m mostly ignoring my desires to eat constantly.
As for exercise, I barely have time to do anything structured. I’m walking one heck of a lot now, but I haven’t done a tape in weeks. I feel like I want to exercise more because it will help keep my energy up. But, I’m suffering in that crazy loop of “I should exercise because I’m tired, but I don’t want to exercise because I’m tired”.
Crazy thinking. I need to stop giving in to it. I’m not doing so well though.
I think I’m nervous about my upcoming class reunion. It’s my 20th high school reunion, & I haven’t seen most of my former classmates in 20 years. So, no matter what I weigh, I will look larger & older than everyone remembers.
That’s a depressing realization: it doesn’t matter how I look because someone will say - or at least think - I look fat & old.
It shouldn’t bother me, because I know a person who thinks that isn’t worth my time. But, it does bother me a lot more than I’m letting on to my husband & other friends. I think it’s part of why I’m feeling complacent. I’m feeling like it doesn’t matter what I do, I’ll always be fat. Even though I’m not as fat as I was last year. When I was at my thinnest & anorexic, I was still called fat (by my family — the meanies).
I know this is really crappy, defeatist thinking that is leading to defeated behaviour. I know I need to stop it. I just haven’t found the will to change. I hope my mood improves as the weather gets sunnier. That seems like a long time away, though, & I’ll miss my goals if I don’t start changing soon!
Posted on February 13th, 2009 by lanvin
Filed under: Uncategorized
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