It is incredible to think that, when I started this journey, I thought I knew what I needed to do. I thought I needed to reclaim my life, & what that meant was to weigh approximately 135 — even though what I *really* wanted to weigh was what I weighed in high school — even though I knew that I suffered from anorexia in high school — even though I knew suffering from anorexia wasn’t healthy — even though I knew venerating my anorexic weight was “wrong”, if I can say that about an effect of my disease.
Still, I did. When I started this journey, I still wanted to weigh under 100 pounds. Or, at the very least, under 110. Or, to put it another way: at the very, VERY most 135.
Well, thanks to Prevention’s Virtual Model, I can now see how wrong weighing any of those afore-idolized weights would be for me:
http://i202.photobucket.com/albums/aa315/kittycatcarlyle/2008Dec9_weightof99.jpg
http://i202.photobucket.com/albums/aa315/kittycatcarlyle/2008Dec9_weightof109.jpg
http://i202.photobucket.com/albums/aa315/kittycatcarlyle/2008Dec9_goalweight135.jpg
What I think, now, is that I have been very wrong. I cannot tell AT ALL which model weighs 99 or 109! In fact, when I first ordered them on this page, I ordered them wrong because I couldn’t even tell 99 from 110 from 135!!!
To think I spent YEARS torturing myself trying to weigh under 100 pounds, when I could have been having a grand time weighing 135! That breaks my heart for the people still suffering from eating disorders…
But, it makes me feel SO GOOD for myself because I truly believe that I will NOT fall victim to that disease now.
Since I’ve started this process, I have feared I would fall victim to my EDs again. Every time I restricted my diet or committed to a strict regime, I evaluated whether I was taking that first step down that slippery slope to ED. I don’t think I have, & the fact that I feel good about the following images tells me I won’t likely.
To start, let’s look at my progress. This is how I looked when I started (284 lbs):
http://i202.photobucket.com/albums/aa315/kittycatcarlyle/2008Dec9_startweight284.jpg
And this is how I currently appear (216 lbs):
http://i202.photobucket.com/albums/aa315/kittycatcarlyle/2008Dec9_currentweight216.jpg
That’s a pretty big difference, huh? No wonder I’m feeling great about myself! I think the difference is pretty awesome! :-D
That said, here is my next goal weight (170 lbs):
http://i202.photobucket.com/albums/aa315/kittycatcarlyle/2008_Dec9_midgoalweightof170.jpg
I CANNOT WAIT! As the weight falls away from my body & face, I see more & more of ME (which used to terrify me, but now I WANT MOAR!!)
At 170, not only am I still deemed considerably overweight by BMI standards, it is still a little difficult to see the contours of my face & body that make me look like ME. Given revealing more of me is my goal, 145 is the lowest weight I can put into the virtual modelizer & still feel good about the image:
http://i202.photobucket.com/albums/aa315/kittycatcarlyle/2008Dec9_goalweight145.jpg
While still larger than what many people would aspire to (this is just inside “normal” range according to the BMI), & still larger than what [the worst] members of my family would like me to weigh & what all my former high school “friends” will expect me to look like when I appear at my 20th high school reunion this year, this is the weight I think I would feel comfortable weighing.
And I don’t think I feel that way simply because I’m used to being fat. I think what I’m used to now, is being large — and what I’m getting used to now is revealing ME. And both are wonderful things!
I am larger than life. I am HUGE! So was Auntie Mame. So were all the grand dames of 1940’s cinema. So is Bette Midler, Liza Minnelli, Carol Burnett, Dolly Parton, & every single fabulous woman I’ve admired & who has inspired me throughout my life. And, regardless of whatever their weight, not one of them ever seemed small.
That’s what I’m owning: ME. Larger than life ME.
And though I may not be deemed “normal” by my family, friends, or the BMI… whatever my weight, from here on out, I will never be deemed “small”. My personality doesn’t need excess fat to let the world know I am huge.
So, from now on, I commit to shedding those unwanted pounds in order to be & reveal more of ME. :-D
Posted on December 10th, 2008 by lanvin
Filed under: Mini-Goals, Uncategorized
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