I’ve sort of let myself go somewhat over the holidays … beginning with that holiday in October, the one with the candy. The weight is back up around 145, and I’ve really gotten lax with eating chocolate and having a drink in the evening. I’ve lost my discipline with snacking and sleeping, too, and also with social media. Oh also and spending, I’ve really spent way too much on clothes and books over the past few months. What else? OK, running off my mouth with the husband and kids, I’m a total nag. And work, OK, I really could have been more structured with my work time. Writing: meant to do that. Didn’t, really. And I haven’t been calling my mom, or donating to the church. Or helping out the union guys at work. Seriously. OK, is there any aspect of my life I haven’t been completely slovenly about in the past few months? Exercise? Haven’t been doing much of that. The house is in decent shape, but I haven’t been washing the floors and I really need to clean the bathrooms more often. You know what, though, I have been bathing regularly. So there’s that. But for the most part, I’ve really let things go.

So I have some catching up to do with the new year.

Good Christ, I look at all I just wrote and I think what I really need right now is to go to bed, immediately. Geez. I make it sound like I’m one pizza box shy of an episode of Hoarders over here. In all honesty, I’m not that much a wreck. I’m just a lot more lax than I need to be in most aspects of my life.

It would be nice, at this point, to have a life coach. I dream of having somebody make up a meticulously crafted schedule for me and berate me when I don’t keep it. But I have to get the reins in my own hands here. I feel like I just gave up over the past year. Once I didn’t get into grad school, and that has been a year ago now, I felt so adrift, and such a failure, that i just couldn’t seem to muster the energy on a daily basis to make any kind of progress towards getting some kind of direction in my life. And eventually instead of inching towards that kind of progress, I just started letting more and more things slide, a little at a time, not with a “life sucks and I don’t care” attitude so much as a “this makes absolutely no difference in the long run so I am going to eat that damn cookie because I want to” attitude. (Subtle difference.)

I really do need to go to bed; the kids are back to school tomorrow and i’ve got a long tedious day of work to look forward to. I’ll get back to this, really, seriously, I mean it this time, no slacking, really. TOtally.

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