Now on the personal front - I’ve put in an offer for a short sale condo nearby.  This should be interesting…I should know within a month hopefully.  The place did smell like mold - so I’m hoping that it’ll pass inspection with very minimal issues.  It’s a two bedroom/two bath with it’s own washer and dryer in the unit!  It ain’t much but it would be mine and the bank’s…  I figure the carpet needs to be ripped up and hardwoods put in along with new paint as well as a thorough cleaning in the bathrooms ;(  But I’ll start trying to save up more money….

Now, the weight front.  Today I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just fat - no it’s not the stress of the horrible job that made me plump - I’m a big girl.  No job is to blame.  No stress level - despite what I originally thought.  I eat lousy - I get fat.  I stay fat.

Hmm.  Not an easy conclusion to come to by any means.

But it’s honest.  After all it’s been a month now of a completely different work life and I have not lost a goddamn pound.  I am still ravenous at times, still eating some bullshit and still very lethargic on the weight loss front.

It’s rather depressing actually because how easy would that have been to drop weight because my stress level has dropped by over 80%?  Nah.  No such dumb luck.  It’s up to me to do something… I was doing ok for a minute but then quickly slipped into old patterns which have always yielded disasterous results.

Shucks.

No quick fix here.

Back to square one and while I’m continuing to fantasize about life in a pair of size 12s…

I have to grasp the reality that while I’m fantasizing - life is passing me by.

How many times have I been down this path?

Over, over over over again.

Yes.

I should get off the pity pot.

Someone else needs a turn.

Although a big girl gets sweaty when she walks around at lunch, one cools down and life goes on.  I spritz a lil orange oil on to refresh, take a paper towel to the perspiration and we keep it movin.  But this is something that I NEVER did at the old job - just no time and always so goddamn busy!  I look forward to walking out that door to saunter down the streets…

I’ve been eating better - nothing like everyday but definitely trying to do it.  I’ve put the sugar drinks on wean (1 sugar drink per week) and I’m not feeling like I need to have an artificial sweet thing every day.  I eat a piece of fruit every day and it’s been ok.

I’ve started walking a few times after work with my buddy and am seriously thinking of doing it on my own when she’s not around (she’s on vacation from work right now so it’s easy for her to come down).  It was nice to walk down by the Embarcadero the other day - seeing the water and all the tourists.  It makes you feel like you’re really living in the city - especially that walk through the concrete jungle.

I’ve bought some new clothes for the new job and even though everything is rather flowly size 16W - I feel better about myself.

I’m not putting any pressure on myself to be svelte by my birthday on October 30th.  I’m trying to make some small changes and see how far that gets me.  Nothing too intense, but it’s all challenging at times.

I’ve been sitting in on a Sobriety Group run by another social worker and I’m making connections between drug addiction and my food addiction.  It’s interesting really how many parallels there are in reaching for things to help you cope, to reward yourself - for comfort.  It’s a lifestyle, this lousy eating and walking around with the excess weight which in turns makes one feel like utter shit in a world where thin is revered. As I pass myself and see my reflection in a store window - I look away immediately.  I don’t want to dwell on what’s there when at times I can actually convince myself I look alright.

I’ve been looking at apartments to move into (2 bedrooms) and have even contacted a few but alas one was a complete scam and the other never wrote me back.  It’s like there are many options available now for me.

I notice that I am smiling at work a lot more often, giggling like I’m giddy and feeling like I’ve been in some way rewarded by this new job, acquiring my license and being freed from that incredible stress.

I’m feeling incredibly grateful as well.

I’ve also got a slight crush on a few guys at work which make life a little bit more interesting

Life is good.

Lots of changes since 6/24 - I’ve managed to pass my licensing exam and I  am now a Licensed Clinical Social Worker!  Whoooo Hooooo!

I am happy to say that I managed to do it all on my first try and I kamikaze’d it on the week I had off as I transitioned to a new job with the Veterans Administration that started last Monday

It’s all a goddamn blur.  I killed myself for two weeks getting together 30 files for transfer, seeing 27 kids in like a week (believe me - it wasn’t pretty) and working until midnight every night that started at 7am.  It was insane.

And then, just like that - poof!  It was over and I sat there on Sunday bewildered - utterly exhausted.  Then on Monday I began cramming for the second half of that goddamn killer exam.

By Thursday afternoon at 2:45pm - I wept tears of joy as I sat in my car staring at the application for the license.  It was surreal.  I collapsed on Thursday night until Sunday night and then started that new job on Monday 7/19.

I’m still pinching myself.

What the hell happened?  I went from just thinking about the VA to it actually materializing….it’s just amazing.  Absolutely amazing.  I didn’t even plan it - really - it was a goddamn fluke.

Guess this is where I’m supposed to be for now.

Now that I passed the exam I can move onto getting a new place to live  I wanted a 2 bedroom to start out with my plans of beginning to go through the process of adoption.  Wow.

What - out of my studio and into some goddamn SPACE?

Damn, what next?  I get LAID and actually have a goddamn orgasm for the first time in 42 years?

Ok, ok - let’s not get carried away….

But damn - doesn’t it seem goddamn possible?

After all, I now have my OWN OFFICE?  This from a 4 man cubicle!  My hours are 8-4:30!  I actually LEAVE at 4:30?!!!!  WHAT NO MORE MIDNIGHTS?!!!   NO MORE RESIDUE from SAD SAD SAD cases of child abuse?

Wow?!  I sat there today and literally pinched myself to see if this was real?!

WHAT THE HELL?!

Meanwhile, I am told that I deserve this from all of my friends and colleagues.  I had people I never met come up to me and shake my hand to congratulate me for getting out of there!  It was amazing.

I still don’t think I’ve processed this at all as things went by so quickly and my studio is still a shambles from the whirlwind of insanity.

Now the new joint has only 1 other ‘fat girl’ there in the ranks.  I’d like to see this change.

I stepped on the scale this Saturday and found myself at 210.  VERY VERY high there - but no surprises.  Today I laid off the sugar water (various sugary drinks), ate an apple and had only one bowl of soup - not 3.  I also walked with my dear friend for 1 hour and 1/2 around the city and boy was I treated to some wonderful victorians in the rich parts of the hood.  Now this was living!

I have to say, it was pretty great.  I am now wearing a size 18 pant and this is no no no good!  So, I am going to begin to clear out the brambles on the path to health.  What’s even more interesting is that there are a few gentlemen at the watering hole that are attractive and appealing.  Now whether they are available is irrelevant because I can be inspired without it going anywhere.  The last thing I want to do is shit where I eat

But it’s all rather exciting!

Wouldn’t it be swell if my size 16’s would be loose by my 43rd birthday this year?  October 30th?

This could very well be a reality!!!! I actually walked around during lunch today to browse the new neighborhood  Even sauntering is better than nothing!  I wasn’t starving today as I was so preoccupied with being new on the job.

I came home and limited myself to one bowl of soup which is unheard of…I even fought off the urge after an hour to eat another bowl.

Now that’s goddamn progress in short order

As always, part of recovery is to get back on the blog and be honest about what’s going on - my hopes, my dreams and my failures.

But it’s all so surreal right now

But that’s actually a pretty goddamn good thing

I did manage to pass the first half of my exam last Thursday  It was GRAND!

So I sent in the money for the 2nd half and they’ll let me know when I can take that final piece of the cake!

The VA is still exploring a possible relationship with me - so this is good.  I’m having letters of recommendation drawn up by my current supv, previous supv and unfortunately one of my pals has no access to the computer so I have to write my own letter and she’ll sign it ;(

But it’s still worth it to see what they will bring to the table $$$ wise.

So despite the work chaos - good things are happening

I’m hoping to slow down this weekend and smell the roses