! trANNsformation BaBy !

Yep, it’s going on right in my backyard.

Literally.

It happens every year and causes all kinds of commotion on my street.  Apparently all the golf gods are here and it’s quite the scene.  Funny seein it on TV and recognizing the overcast that is Lake Merced today

Well it’s been a wild week.

I finally got the OK to take the Licensed Clinical Social Worker exam - so it’s time to study.  I cracked open a book last night and promptly began downloading music to my I-Phone.

Yep.

All ready to study alright.

So it’s 1:21pm and I still haven’t started but I must say I’ve downloaded quite a bit of music to my I-Phone.

I got a house and lost a house all in the same week - now that was a bit of a bummer because I was *this* close to homeownership.

Ah well.

You win some, invariably when it comes to Me - you lose +some.

Still smiling though.

After all, I am trying to train myself to love everything I have and NOT yearn for things that I don’t.

Now you can try that on for size, cuz it ain’t easy honey.

Now the eating.  Well, what’s there to say about the eating that hasn’t been said a zillion times.  I must say that I’ve not been brutal with myself lately.  Now I may have finally become worn out from beating myself out - could this be possible after 32 years?

A weird phenomenon.

Indeed.

But I can say that I’ve added another 2 plants to my growing plant family.  It makes me pretty doggone happy to see these guys, groom these guys, water these guys and stare at these guys.

It’s been a quiet weekend and goodness knows I love that!

The books are still open beside me and I know that I’ll look at em.

It’s a start right?

I’ve been listening to jazz all weekend and that’s been lovely.  Swilling black honey tea from my thermos and doing the occasional pile of dishes.

I’ve got to say that as I look out my window to the smattering of golfers on the hill enveloped by grey and cold - I’m pretty content in my hovel.  My ass firmly glued to my sofa, tea in hand, plants all around, Miles blowing in the background - all warm and cozy.

No I will absolutely NOT take a nap.

I swear!

Congratulations!  How awesome that the President of the United States is bestowed with this amazing honor.

Wow.

It’s my bruddah’s birthday today

He’s 40 today!  Good grief, my  younger brother is 40!

I’ll be 42 at the end of the month.

Geez.

Time does fly no matter what’s going on with you.  It waits for no man.

In the meantime, my food has not shaped up and my gums are in distress.  Went to the dentist yesterday and he noticed that they were inflamed but I don’t have any gum disease or anything.

I attribute it to the goddamn stress.

But I got OUT of the goddamn cleaning until next week so I’m thrilled…

Meanwhile, I’m finally free to take my licensing exam.

Now I’ve got to study.

My houseplants are making me very very happy.  I bought like 4 of them (3 big) and one small one.  LOVE it.

Life is good.

So this morning it wasn’t the Sopranos.

I turn on the tube and there was Renee (Zellweger) in a black shirt with her pouty pink lips.  Then Meryl (Streep) shows up looking like Dorothy with her sparkly red pumps.

Nope, shouldn’t have kept watching.

One True Thing can really deplete your tissue box.

Not that I wasn’t feelin’ somewhat fragile because 3 days of wanton eating led to a 3 pound re-gain.

But I knew something bad would happen when I willing stepped off the wagon….

I knew.

So I sit here next to a pile of wet tissues with bloodshot eyes and a red nose when a dying Meryl says

It’s so much easier to be happy, my love.

It’s so much easier to choose to love the things that you have.

And you have so much…

instead of always yearning for what you’re missing…

or what it is that you’re imaging you’re missing.

It’s so much more peaceful.

That gave me reason to pause.

As someone who spends nearly every waking minute thinking about how much space she takes up in this world, obsessing over my weight and fantasizing about the ’skinny’ me.  Yet struggling to make changes to lose this weight.

This struck home.

I also think this applies to my discontent with my non existent love life, my stressful job, my non existent home life void of children, my inability to secure a home - I don’t value what I have, rather I yearn for what I don’t have.

Could you stop obsessing about what you don’t have and make the most of what you do have?

Have I ever tried this before - not earnestly.

Does this mean I give up on the weight loss and learn to love me as I am?  No, I guess decades of self loathing can’t be ‘thought’ away.  Trying to appreciate me in between the efforts to lose weight - yeah I guess I can try that.

It’s a burden.

Unhappiness is a burden and it is with me DAILY.

I guess I’ll write this down and post it on my mirror.

Maybe it’ll help.