! trANNsformation BaBy !

Super stuffed up… yep, caught a cold in the ole L.B. (Long Beach) but I’m glad I went down to see my girlfriend and her 10 week old munchkin.

She’s suffering from post partum and has a bad bout of insomnia during my visit so I spent a good chunk of time doing laundry, dishes, changing diapers, cradling baby boy, playing with her dog (poor thing - so displaced now and making her cups of chamomile tea.  I took her to her first therapy appointment since she moved there a year ago, to the pharmacy to pick up the zoloft prescription and went swimming with her at the local olympic sized pool.

I saw her beautiful new home, 3 bedrooms 2 baths bungalow with a nice patch of green grass in the backyard that housed two trees and a nice shag of bamboo along with a garden of tomatoes, peppers and watermelon.  It was dreamy - I loved the house instantly.  Her boyfriend is very much a team player and is so invested in her well being as well as their son.  It was beautiful to see teamwork in action.

I left there feeling exhausted and having experienced taking care of a baby (except for nursing of course) first hand and up close.  Wow, it’s hard, hard work.  I mean you know it’s hard work but to actually do it was something else.  It’s given me a new perspective on newborns…

I’m heading off to San Diego this week to meet up with LA and the minute she launches into her “I’m so hot’ routine - I will shut it down sweetly but quickly.  I’m in no mood to deal with such trivial bullshit right now.  I feel battle weary and have much more pressing things than vanity on the mind at the moment.  I am looking forward to taking walks, lounging around and looking at the ocean.  I may try to see what plays are happening or concerts but honestly don’t want to pay a lot for anything.

In the meantime, my cell phone made a miraculous recovery - it turned on Sunday and I literally cried tears of joy.  I am grateful for this small gesture - it’s been a rather brutal two weeks and now I’ve got a doggone cold to boot.

Life.

So there’s a lot of soul searching to do in the upcoming months.  My Mother is coming next Monday.  No consulting me before Dad e-mailed me her itinerary ‘Too bad you have to miss work on Monday but I couldn’t get her a weekend flight.’  ’I'll call for her when I’m ready and settled in Alabama’.

I was fuming as I sat with one arm cuddling the baby and the other arm firmly pressed in my brow in the garden after I read that 3 times over.

Well, what is - IS.  So I am getting ready for her arrival.  Gonna find a home health person to come in and wash her 3 times a week.  My brother was called and told to come over for a week or so to help ease her into a routine here in my studio.  Work is so rough lately that I rarely get home before 8pm.

I’ll have my hands full with taking care of her when I’m not at work.

Perhaps a distraction from my personal failures at the moment.

I don’t know about anything anymore - having my own child will cost me a pretty penny by doing the sperm bank, adoption is not really feasible at the moment in my 500 sq ft apartment, still got things to turn in for my license (to take the test), still need to see the psychiatrist for anti depressants….

I don’t know what to focus on next as far as housing and children go at this point.

I’m taking a break.

My weight is steady at 197 and I need to move forward on that front as well to help myself rather than tearing myself up at every given moment.

OH well.

A friend told me today that it was a new chapter of my life with my Mother coming for a few months.  I couldn’t understand why she perceived it this way as Mom has been with me before for 3 months so there is nothing really new about caregiving her… but she saw it as a spiritual transformation for some odd reason.

Oh Annie of such little faith.

While I was in that backyard on day 3 with baby boy in my arms sleeping, the dog rollin around on her back in the grass and the breeze blowing melodies through green bamboo - I took a deep breath.  It was in that fleeting moment that a smile crept across my face.  I held baby boy a little closer, turned my face to the sun and gazed at the blue sky.

It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it - because in that moment everything was just right.  My mind was quiet and at peace.

A gift.

I’ll remember it always.

I think it’ll bring me comfort in the days to come.

So it was a miserable week last week:

Mon - Workman’s comp folks want to end claim - could give a shit that you still have pain in neck and decreased mobility.

Tues - 50.00 parking ticket - btw - you didn’t get that house you prostrated yourself on paper for…

Weds - No infertility clinic for you - as a single woman you must provide documentation of 6 attempts at artificial insemination at your own expense prior to assistance.  Near rear end collision on the way to a home visit - good grief.

Thurs- 10pm - leaving office and in being hassled by security guard manage to drop your car keys in the afterhours box leavin you stranded. Caught a ride home with Shopaholic and security opened my front door to let me in.  Woke up at 6am took train to work but missed stop - got back on train and located keys.  Sleep deprived went to meet Ms. Crisis for tea and a movie.

Decompressing over weekend was much needed after such a hellish week.

Monday - back into the office - stopped off at the bathroom before heading to the desk and WHAMMO new Iphone 3gs falls out of back pocket and into toilet.  Shrieks of horror as goddamn thing falls deeper into the toilet.  It hasn’t worked since.

Tuesday - Still sore over dead phone and one’s stupid ass antics.  Leave work at 9:00pm in a wild rush but keys are intact.  Now it’s time to wake up at 4am tomorrow to catch plane to Long Beach to visit Long Beach and new baby.  Mixed feelings on this at the moment as honestly, it’s gonna be 90 degrees and she wants to go swimming.

Good Grief.

Fat girls and pools don’t mix.

She’s also suffering from Post Partum Depression.

Someone shoot me.

No wait, my apartment is a mess so hold off on that one.

Oh did I fail to mention MOM is coming in the next two weeks.

Boy it just gets better by the minute….

and it’s Sunday evening now

Is this the life or what?  Mind you I did manage to clean my bathroom and dump the trash in anticipation of Co-Dependent coming over with pup.  But she called me to tell me she’s gonna have something to eat and go to bed - she’s pretty upset that our personnel department has deemed her accident that she is now on workman’s comp for as ‘unethical’.  They are blaming her for the maintenance of her car, the lack of a current registration and are now planning to suspend her for 15 days.

Can you believe that?

She was nearly killed in that accident and instead of honoring the fact that she’s still alive and working on the phone lines - they are blaming her for the whole thing.

It’s quite insane and her father who is a workman’s comp attorney is recommending one of his colleagues to take her case.  I have no doubt this is gonna end in the County getting sued and quite honestly we can’t afford it.

I guess Personnel doesn’t feel they have anything to lose by it but don’t realize that not all employees will roll over in this economy.  I’m glad she’s fighting it - their behavior is fucking unethical.

So at least the thought of her coming over was enough to get me off the couch and onto cleaning so I won out on that one.

I’ve got a laundry list of things to do on my furlough day - not to mention 3 workman comp visits.  Honestly all they do is just give you accupuncture, physical therapy and prescribe me hot backs for my neck and back.  I am not on modified duty because I’ll lose my job because it requires me to drive long distances to see clients so I can’t afford it.  It’s Kaiser so that HMO shit is down pat and believe me when I tell you that it’s the most minimal of care.  I’ve got no doubt that the doctor will be rather frustrated at my ‘lack of progress’ - but guess what - that’s his problem.  I’m not gonna say I’m not in pain when I truly am still hurting as a result of that accident.

I don’t see how people get over on Workman’s Comp because I still do more than my share of work and I’m the only one in pain.  It’s fucking ridiculous how long I’m taking to heal up.  Sometimes it’s so bad that I literally can’t move around very much and that’s completely uncalled for….

Tomorrow I’m going to the AAA office to renew the registration, gonna go to the mall and get the I-Phone as well as try Aveda’s other brand of shampoo ‘Be Curly’ to see if it works.  Then the whole afternoon is spent at the doctor’s office on physical therapy, accupuncuture and seeing the MD for a whole 5 minutes.

I guess that’s about it.  I watched WATCHMEN today.  Interesting.  I guess I’ll vacuum before I hit the bed at around 9:30pm.

Surprisingly enough I did not eat very much today which is fantastic.

Crap, I can’t find the business card the OWL gave me for the psychiatrist.  Guess I’ll have to ask her again when I see her the week after this upcoming one.

Good Grief.

So it’s Saturday.

For the first time ever, I was physically excited to return home while we were landing at SFO.  I clapped my hands quietly and squealed at my seat mate as we had traveled from Philly to Las Vegas and then home.  He was a simple man in his 60’s who waited to have kids until he was 40 and has been with his wife for 33 years.  He used to drive cabs and now he’s a clerk - she’s a school teacher for 3rd graders.  Son a sophomore at Boston College, daughter a senior at a performing arts high school.

I never talk to folks on the plane and have to admit that this particular conversation was driven (for the first time in AGES) by a usually dormant predatory instinct.  Yep, I saw him - a lonely widower perhaps? and decided to strike up a conversation with illusions of his renovated Victorian, season pass to the Symphony and quiet candlelight dinners dancing in my head.

Oh God, don’t let him be gay - I hoped.

Well he wasn’t gay - just very married.  Good guy to mention it upfront and still a class act by offering me a drink coupon so we could share a plastic cup of red wine.  :)  I took a cup of cocoa instead

Oh well.

At least I fucking tried and you know your girl RARELY does that anymore….

Meanwhile, I’ve managed to get my saddle back on the horse and head out yesterday for a 5 hour trek with my realtor.  Saw a magnificent house that inspired me to pen a truly pathetic letter in an attempt to distinguish myself from the rest of the herd.  Oh well,  we’ll see how it goes.

Today I’ve been languishing around the house enjoying my solitude.  The place still looks like a bomb hit it so that’s the ONE thing that I will be doing today.  It’s now 2pm and I’ve watched Nurse Jackie as well as True Blood episiode 6 online thanks to sharing folks.

Lovely!

Now it’s time to get down to it.

Procrastination is absolutely my middle name.

But enough is enough.

Yawn.

No I will absolutely NOT decide to take a nap.