So tomorrow morning at 7:00am, I’m heading off to Ft. Lauderdale with a few of my teens to take them to the funeral of their Grandfather. I felt it was the only thing to do as they looked at him as a father figure - that Mom that I found in jail was bedside when her Mother decided to take him off life support.
There must have been a reason why I’ve been dragging her around these past 4 months - when the call came it resulted in the two talking after 3 years and Mom being bedside when Grandmother authorized them to discontinue life support. I hope this brings the family together - it’s a start.
Now comes the grueling part - a long journey across country. A funeral that I must attend on Monday and then another long ass flight on Wednesday that will end in driving 2 hours to drop off one of the teens. I will get home at 10:00 if I am lucky.
I am not thrilled.
I am tired and was looking forward to being off this weekend because I had to work last weekend.
What’s even worse is that on Thursday I am duty worker and have to be in the office from 8-4:30pm.
Good grief.
I’ve found a hotel in Hollywood Beach for 113.00 per night and I have a rental car. I tried to get information from my father about my paternal Grandmother but he didn’t have any to give me so my plan to try to visit her grave site was dashed. Oh well. Moral of that story - be good to your kids. Leaving them while they’re in the crib and then showing up when they’re 40 - then leaving again is not a good way to go.
I know I’ll want to go sit on the beach - fortunately it’s gonna be in the mid 70’s on Tuesday so I can do this as Monday it looks like it’ll be 80 degrees and RAIN. So it’s across the street from the hotel 
Not the most pristine beach but hell - it’s a beach right?! Looks like yogurt/sandwiches for meals - I never like to go somewhere and eat alone. But the room is supposed to have a fridge and a mini microwave. I’ll make sure when I get in…
I would have liked to drive down to Key West - but it’s like nearly 4 hours away.
I met up with Cats couple today - we ate breakfast, went to see a house that was beautiful on the inside but in a rotten neighborhood. Then we drove to a few other areas that I’ve been interested in before having a burrito and heading home. It was nice - we had a conversation about disappointments. I talked about the real estate challenges, the relationship challenges and my downright refusal to take care of my licensing crap because I’m so preoccupied with these other things and I’m getting NOWHERE.
She talked about her disappointments with trying to adopt and how it bellied up when the baby died after being born. She said, ‘Annie - it’s not always getting to the place you want but the journey. Traveling down that path gives one happiness.’
I need to think about that. I’m hitting the wall on this housing issue. I can’t even try to get into the relationship game at this weight so that’s stagnant pond water.
The license seems to be the ONLY thing that is actually under my control, but I dread cracking the book - I procrastinate instead of getting the paperwork together to submit. I’m not motivated. I keep focusing on my house, the prospect of adopting a child or having one through a sperm bank. I’m not interested in my license when that is the easiest of them all.
It’s frustrating.
I feel like sitting on the sand looking out at the water may help clear things up a bit?
I don’t even know anymore.
I just know that I’m turning 42, no kids, no beau, no house. ’But Annie, you’re trying to have it all - maybe you should just focus on one thing? ‘
‘I am, the house right now but that doesn’t seem to be working out. I’ve got no goddamn control over what comes up in what neighborhood.’
Want.
Not getting what you want when you feel like you’re trying sucks.
Maybe you don’t want what’s good for you at this moment.
‘You are where you need to be at this very moment’ - a sign in a coffee shop.
WTF.
Some hippie shit?
Some truth?
we’ll ponder that somewhere else….
