! trANNsformation BaBy !

Ok, so I had 3 dollars in the kitty (sin jar/cussin’ can) by 9:00am.  I got to work late today so I was there at 8:58.  But fortunately, it ended up being an 8 dollar day.  Yesterday I had 12 in the kitty by noon.

Some habits are hard to break.

I am also feeling like I’m losing my identity as well because my personality is steeped in expletive misuse…it’s gonna be a long long month.

So today’s shocker was that some old time workers (8-10 years with the Agency) are being involuntarily transferred to Adult Protective Services.  It’s absolutely ridiculous.  They are scanning applications and then sending people over to fill vacancies and push people out.  This is making me nervous.  I have hospice and hospital experience …  let’s hope they don’t figure this out.  I’m more worried about getting my case files ready for transfer, putting in about 2 months of contact notes and filing a zillion pieces of paper.  I’m not even gonna get into missing all my clients, my co-workers and working with kids….

Fingers crossed - but at the same time - if it happens, it happens for a reason.  As long as I’m still employed, keep my benefits and salary - I’ll work in the file room if I have to…

Meanwhile, my cold is out of control.  My vision is blurry, my head having been replaced by a fish tank full of thick yellow phlegm. Meanwhile, my nasal passages have been morphing from a thin stream of warm water to breathing through my mouth like a doggone stalker.  I still didn’t manage to get everything done today so I need to call in the morning to see if the building is open on Saturday because I’d rather take tomorrow off (except for dinner with WC which I got forced into) then come in tomorrow.  GEEZ.  

No rest for the wicked. 

My neck is still stiff and sore - lower back aching.  Meanwhile, MD Chiclet (teeth giant white) exclaims,’ Well your mobility is 50% but your pain is better than last week so I think in another 2 weeks to a month - you’ll be back to normal again!!  What no nausea anymore?  I knew it - the pepcid worked!’  

Who am I to burst her bubble - I’m not nauseous anymore because I’m trying not to take any pain meds anymore.

What did I do to deserve to this young, chipped fingernail polish wearing, socks over knees with boots wearing giant chiclet grinning cheerleader who constantly minimizes my pain and reasons aloud?

Ok, so what didn’t I do to deserve this chick.

The eating is not good.  I did manage to drink a lot today for a change.  I’ve had enough sugary drinks to stock a mini fridge today.

I also think I got a call from the sleep NP - thought I heard her gurgling something about the sleep report being sent to me in a week.

Everyone mentioned that I shouldn’t be at work today because I was sneezing, drooling, dribbling and coughing my way through 1/2 of that court report - but guess what…. I was sick once this week and it cost me already.  

Maybe I’ll grab some zyrtec on the way to work tomorrow if it has to be tomorrow - maybe I’ve got allergies?  A bad dose.  But what’s up with that and the slightly rainy weather?

Geez.

I’ve go the immune system of a potato.

Shopaholic, me and a few of her friends went to see a free show at the Punchline tonight.  The headliner was a real kicker, Jim Jeffries.  He was pretty good, horribly irreverent but some of the stuff made me laugh. Horrible stuff.

Bed sounds good about now.

Real good.

Well, there’s a windfall going on - a windfall of cases as people are leaving and things are being shuffled around.  I find out today that I’m getting 3 more - YIKES.  

What can I say?

I am swamped.

So church.

I got there on time at 7:50pm for the 8:00 mass.  It was weird being back there - I didn’t really know how to feel.  The routine hasn’t changed though, up, down, kneel, up, down, kneel.  The prayers were the same with slightly different inflections, the melodies varied a bit…

The incense really tickled my already running nose.  There’s something about sitting in church that makes me think that if I painted in the name of religion - I would be as magnificent as Michelangelo.

I will say one thing - the acoustics were TERRIBLE.

Maybe that was a good thing?

Goodness - you didn’t hear sinner sister Annie say that.  No you didn’t.

I managed to put nearly 10.00 in my cuss jar today at work.  It’s been a real rough first day.  It’s gotta get better - it’s just gotta.  

So I see people are still jerks even at church.  There’s a longer line for the Priest then the junior priests and it made me wonder if maybe they feel slighted.  I took the express lane and got ‘ash’d’ by a jr. priest.  He seemed pretty confident in what he was doing.  ’Dust to dust’ - something like that.  We all wore our sooty crosses on our foreheads.  A very diverse looking cult.  At one point, I thought briefly about what was under those white robes as well as whether the clergymen were all bonafide good folks - no pedophiles lurking about….

Wow were the acoustics bad.  I doubt I’m gonna do this every Sunday until Easter.  But it’s weird, as I was standing there mouthing the prayers I thought about gay marriage, female clergy, abortion rights, birth control, penises, halitosis, stem cell research, the backwash from the wine chalice, bitchy parishoners…

looks like not much has changed.

But then a little spark went off when the Priest said, ‘Good deeds, go out of your way to do good deeds.’  I wondered about how I would be able to do that - even driving sets me off.  So strangely enough after the crowd dispersed into the darkness and the row of  white headlights and red taillights started - I decided to let a few folks go ahead of me.  I noticed that a few folks let me go.  

It was like a Liberty Mutual commercial - you’ve seen those no?  Where people do nice things then someone else sees it and does a nice thing etc etc?

Then I thought about something else I heard through the fast food speakers they have at church - ‘forgiveness - practice forgiveness’.  This is a real hard one to swallow.  Weird, I’ve forgiven my father for his most egregious sins (or at least I’ve put them aside) yet the gal that pissed me off 6? months ago that I walked by yesterday in the parking lot giving her a terse ‘Hello’ while she stood there looking at me like a wounded pup - her face an open plea - hmmm.  Forgiveness?  I think what was worse was that I was evil describing it to some of my friends.

Doggone it.  What am I doing now? Aiming for martyrdom?

See this is the slippery slope of religion in my eyes - it can be obsessive, it can end up costing you nearly 10.00 as you try to give up something you love dearly, it can end up making your seemingly carefree life of being a skunk a bit hard to swallow…. now that is the good part about religion.  The part that asks you to treat others with kindness, forgive, perform acts of charity, etc.  Now mind you THIS religion knows nothing of this at times…. it’s as conflicted as I am.

So you pick out the pieces that will work for you.  Like with anything else in your life. You grab the grey babydoll long sleeve because the white tight t-shirt will just make you cry.

On your way home, you call up LA today even though she’s pissed you off by being a skunk and casually chat with her - validating her perfect skin and lovely figure.  

Now suddenly your life is a 12 step pamphlet - wondering about those other folks you could forgive.  

WTHeck?

Then you get home and snap at your Mother for not being patient with you as you attempt to have her help you decipher a Korean cosmetic brochure given to you by some idiot woman at work who you know doggone well needs more than this fantastic serum/cream/toner/softner and anti aging ampules to make her look better.

Nah, not heading towards sainthood anytime soon.

Yikes!

Looks like after the 16,000 that Ms. Cats paid to get a walk in tub installed - she found that she wasn’t able to fit in it.

Good grief.

So now she’s dealing with the company and hopefully they will offer her some kind of solution.  The salesman assured her that she would be an easy fit and even when she told him that another company came out and told her that the couldn’t do it because they didn’t think it would work - he emphatically insisted that it would be no problem.

So needless to say she had to go through a humiliating time with this jerk today who didn’t believe that she couldn’t fit into the tub. WTF?!  So he remeasured everything and told her that this has only happened once to their company to which she replied, ‘Well this is the SECOND time.’

Let’s hope it gets resolved to some degree because this is fucking ridiculous.  She paid CASH for this too and she can’t even use it.  

Meanwhile, I’ve got a headache, ears feel stuffy, head feels stuffy and throat is sore.  Not cool when you’ve got a rough coupla days ahead.  I might have to come in and work extra to move some things out of my way.  :(  OH well, guess that’s life no? 

I just deleted a few paragraphs about work.  Honestly, suffice it to say that who knows how this will all turn out.  Apparently they’ll be YET ANOTHER series of layoffs in April.

Ladies and Gentlemen - the folks that need it the most are getting screwed yet again.

Meanwhile, someone is suggesting a 50.00 tax on marijuana after legalizing it because it apparently is a multi billion dollar business here in California.

Hell.

Sounds good to me.

Let’s legalize prostitution and tax that too.  After all how many women are fucked over (maimed, killed, raped, robbed) some are underage and this would hopefully put a real dent in that nasty business.

Oh well.

Yet another day in paradise.

So a few folks at work are deciding to stop a nasty habit for Lent.  I’ve picked cussing because it’s basically a part of my vernacular.  So this should be interesting….everyone thinks I’ll be a mute until Easter. Fuckwads. 

Hmmm, gotta make it.  It’s a quarter if I fuck up each time - but worse than that kiddies it means you go straight to hell.

Remember that Catholics out there.. you fuck up Lent and guess what honey - you are goin’ straight to hell.  The smart thing would be to remember that you’re not really a Catholic because you agree with very very little of their doctrine and they’ve done some pretty heinous stuff - but at the same time - you’re a guilty fuck and perhaps Mom’s words, ‘You know why your life is bad Annie - you don’t go to church!’ is still ringing in your ears from last week.  So you decided to take your baptized Catholic, Italian Grandmother dragging your ass to Sunday 8 hour long services in Lent, veil wearing, Catholic school for 2 years, communion doing, agnostic 3 years, atheist 2 years, buddhist by birth, temple going, confused bi-racial ass - ahem - FAT ASS back to church to try this shit out.

After all, remember my life is BAD - so what do you have to lose.

It’s like Fear Factor only it’s eternal damnation when you fuck up.

Did I mention that there’s hell involved?

p.s. I’m also giving up sex.

The sleep study was most miserable but necessary - I slept so poorly that when I got the final wake up at 6am I was absolutely exhausted and called in sick today.  I came home, soaked the glue out of my hair and skin then laid down for a minute and ended up waking up 5 hours later!  WTf?!

So then I got a few things cleaned up around here, ate too many calories and generally wondered where the hell my period was this month?

Insatiable hunger.

Weird.

I’m also brooding today about how hard it is to lose weight and how I am absolutely SICK of thinking about it, despairing about it, being angry about it, crying about it etc etc etc….

So I don’t know where I am right now with this shit.

I wish I could either get gung ho about doing it or be happy with myself at where I am right now.  

I am sick of hating my body - all those lumps and bumps.  Today I tried to think about what it felt like to be skinny - honestly I can’t remember that well.  I remember being able to tuck in shirts, to not be so hassled when buying clothes, to see my collar bones and my face is less full.  It felt good but goodness, it’s a faint memory when now it feels like sheer torture day after day - all of your energy is focused around either self loathing or self deprivation.

I am tired of it.

Well tomorrow is another day and hopefully this is just a momentary slump.