! trANNsformation BaBy !

Yikes.

Yep. It’s weird because that’s what I thought it would be when I stepped on that blasted thing this morning.

Hmmmm.

Now if that doesn’t spring you into action- I don’t know what will! I looked at my reflection this morning and saw that puffy, bloated face with those button eyes sunk in those fluffy cheeks blinking back at me. Good grief…

Then I stepped on that scale.

Hmmmmm.

What is there to say that hasn’t been said a zillion, trillion, bazillion times?

Perhaps some mindfulness might do me some good.

I’ve got the tools, at this point it’s all about being motivated and dedicated to ending this discomfort. It’s also frightening to know that I can balloon past 200 steadily and be in such denial about just how bad it is right now.

Like my clothing is not a newly apparent torture device or my breathlessness when moving just a bit doesn’t make me feel horrible or that your reflection is appalling….

I guess it’s like rock bottoming out when you’re an addict.

At some point you have to say, ok already - you’d better do something about this problem.

But as an extreme as I am - feast or famine - I don’t feel that any crazy shit is going to benefit me right now. Rather gentle changes that don’t seem so restrictive - in it for the long haul and not my usual instant gratification self.

A different path this time, a kinder, gentler path that will still be difficult but not the same old masochistic jagged perilous path that I take when I’ve realized that I’m clearly out of control. This will be a new thing for me.

I’m so used to self abuse - look at the way I eat!

Hell no, this is no New Year’s resolution - I don’t make those. It’s pointless.

It’s funny - as I was looking for the new calendars for 2009 at the bookstore the other day I realized that I want something quiet, inspirational and beautiful everyday. My job is so stressful and it’s basically eats up all of my time. Weird how important this was to me to see everyday and even if it’s while I’m writing in an appointment. So I’m getting the black and white Zen desktop calendar this year each page has a saying, a peaceful wall calendar for both home and work. I’ve already got my little green japanese appointment book for my purse.

Perhaps trying something different might yield me better results that last longer than a few months. Some self respect?

I’m game.

Who is with me?!

Yep,

Lounging around.

Playing Tetris.

Foregoing the Cats couple to relax at home.

Yep,

I got it made….

Life is good.

Hope Santa brought everyone what they wanted this year!

He gave me what I wanted - a peaceful day at home with a job, a loving family, great friends, my health and my sanity (hee hee).

Thanks Santa!

I ain’t mad at cha.

well except this one.

Back from Alabama, Ontario and coughing less.

Awesome no?

I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed my last flight home yesterday….United had a nice new plane some 767 thingie. Everyone got to sit in their own little compartment. Much like a TV dinner - so my ass refrained from spilling onto my neighbors and I have to say the sweet cold kiss of steel against my thighs was welcome. I’ve been so conscious of how much space I take up in these planes. It seems that my ‘compartment’ clearly held my size 16 ass without making it too snug. I’ve figured out that older planes have narrow seats and it’s so excruciating to not touch someone else’s ass with your own and virtually torture to try to cross your legs in that non existent leg room space that I just wanted to SCREAM! I have to keep my arms folded the whole time because there is no room on that miniature arm rest.

Good Grief.

My travels should end after that 1st week of January. One more round trip to Alabama to pick up my teen and to pick up another teen in Ontario.

I thoroughly enjoyed my brother when I went down to Ontario. I gave him some money and bought him an electric blanket. It was good to laugh and pal around with him a little. We talk nearly every day. Poor guy is at least 300 pounds and that was really hard to see. He’s always on some diet or another but it never works out. He’s on one right now….

I love him and really hope that next year he gets a good job, loses some weight - finds happiness you know?

Funny how life works out no?

I got my brother on a little conference call to my folks tonight. Thanked Dad for that ludicrous watch he sent? Shows you how much he knows me - I never wear a watch. I’d rather have a gift certificate to Amazon so I could get my Wen hair stuff, a book or two or something…

Oh well, he sounded happy that we sounded grateful.

My brother and I got a good laugh out of those clunky giant expensive watches. WTF!? We want money!

Rotten kids.

We suck.

Meanwhile, Mom tells me that my 50 year old Aunt is getting so many suitors that she doesn’t want to settle down. WTF?! I can’t get a date and my aunt is rollin in men? My mother thinks she’s got an STD now and told me she didn’t really understand why I’m still single.

Good Grief.

Good for her.

Meanwhile, it’s been raining today and I saw a few of my kids to play Santa today. It was nice. I stayed at work till 5:30 and then went over to see one of my kids at a group home. Poor thing is a quadriplegic, developmentally delayed and non verbal. I explained why he was moved and told him I would come often to visit with him. Got him some cartoon sheets and a giant plush teddy bear that he could cuddle up against. Poor thing was so uncomfortable, his breathing so labored. I got the number for his new doctor and left her a message on my way home.

My mission, now that he’s closer for me to visit every two weeks is to get him as comfortable as possible. I have a feeling more can be done for him but somebody’s got to make a lot of noise.

Goodness knows I’m very adept at making noise.

So sleeping in tomorrow will be wonderful. A Christmas present to myself. The Cats couple want to meet up and go see Doubt as well as sharing a meal. I really would rather stay home and rest… She got a raise 3.5% at work so I’m so glad they recognized what a gem they have in her. She may be shit about paperwork but she is incredible with patients. She’s going for another fitting for her shoes - it never worked out ;(

Well, I guess at 10:08pm - I’ll call it a night.

My beloved Wonka is on TV… goodness I just love Gene Wilder in this movie. I never tire of it….

Come with me
And you’ll be
In a world of
Pure imagination
Take a look
And you’ll see
Into your imagination

It was fun seeing my brother - hadn’t seen him for a while. I gave him some money and bought him the electric blanket he wanted at Target.

The only crap thing about the 1 hour 15 minute flight is the total 5 hours that it takes to get around. Waiting for an hour at the airport, hearing your flight is delayed - sitting around some more, taking the bus then the train back to the city - jumping in your car and FINALLY getting home. GEEz.

Sad the spectacle at the airport. People were literally cutting a fit because the airports were closed at Seattle and Oregon due to the weather. Now I’ve been bumped from a flight before AND had a flight cancelled. Yeah, it sucks hard - but honestly - what good does it to do start yelling screaming jumping up and down and losing it in front of everyone? Screaming at the agent DOES not change the weather. Honest.

Even I’VE figured that out without uttering a single expletive at another human being.

LOSERS.

Karma is a real bitch.

So tomorrow is yet another flight. I have no doubt that if there is a possibility for a delay or a cancellation - it will happen. I am ready for it. I will not freak out and yell at some poor human being who has to break the bad news to a crowd of frothing holiday travelers. I will prepare my teen for the worst and then she’ll be glad when everything goes smoothly. I’ve got a book to read - not sure if I got the right one though - it’s about war. Probably not the best choice - but I’m plowing through it. Denis Johnson - Tree of Smoke. Won the National Book Award last year. I also got Donna Tart’s new book too. So I’ve got plenty to read. Got a few neck pillows in case they deflate (those blow up things)…

Damn 4 flights in 4 days. WTF was I thinking - seeing my brother was hella good though. So that was totally worth it and takin that teen down made him very happy. His father is mentally incapacitated and his mother died of breast cancer. He is a very smart and cynical teen now having been in the system for the past 5 years. He does have a heart though and that is despite the shit he’s been through in 6 foster homes.

Meanwhile, it was super busy at the airport today when I got back to Oakland. I would NEVER travel at Christmas time if it weren’t for a kid. It’s just too crazy and people are just FULL of evil spirits.

Yawn.

Well, let’s gear up for some more HOLIDAY cheer.

That shit made me giggle.