! trANNsformation BaBy !

Ahhh, the joys of English Breakfast Tea and clover honey, an empty apartment, a fading mildew stain in the corner of your shower, a phone that’s behaving itself and staying quiet. On the television, a DVD of the biography of Hunter S. Thompson which is also a mini lesson in the presidential campaign and politics of the 70’s as well as getting the treat of seeing Johnny Depp narrating Hunter’s work.

No work anywhere in sight…

A girl could learn to LOVE this lifestyle.

It’s been a glorious 4 days I absolutely enjoyed all of my episodes of True Blood, Dexter (season 3) and reading Toni’s new book.

The sun is out and it looks pretty out there but I’m so thrilled to be here in my clean space. Tomorrow it’s work - the roundtrip flight to Denver takes up the whole day so I’m free from the office for one more day

I’ve also taken some time to finish another class towards my LCSW license and look into different job opportunities available once I get it. Nome Alaska, Baton Rouge Louisiana not to mention Truth or Consequences New Mexico are some of the places you can serve for 2 years and have your student loan paid off. Underserved communities wrought with domestic violence, substance abuse, child abuse, etc are available if you’ve got the gumption for it. I also saw some great opportunities in Native American communities as well. One of my dreams is to work with the Native American population. The license seems to be THE GOLDEN TICKET to these worthy endeavors.

Now mind you I am somewhat of a mercenary - willing to fight battles in exchange for pay. I enlisted in the Army at 21 with some idea of patriotism, decided to pursue social work and found myself in an informational meeting at Berkeley about having your graduate tuition paid for if you gave up two years of your life to the exciting world of child welfare - I knew what I was getting into - can’t be as bad as the army, I thought.. WHOA! That was a joke. So now it seems like I’m looking for the next adventure…

Don’t know what’s gonna happen next really. I’m 41 and speeding towards 42, no children, no beau, not a homeowner and one minute I want to put down roots then radically I want to see what other adventures I can embark upon while still having my hand in some type of human misery.

Weird.

For some reason, I’m drawn to the deep south, the reservation, the far north where indigenous people dwell…. who knows what’s next.

I looked at my ‘vision board’ last night. I don’t remember when I put that goddamn thing up but not ONE thing has appeared from it’s magnetic face. I smiled when I looked at it again this morning.

Who am I kidding?

Perhaps it’s that overly cynical world view but honey - ain’t nothing gonna drop off of a bulletin board and into your life. It’s like lookin at the SEARS catalog as a kid and spending hours pointing at things you want that would magically appear. They never did but it did bring you hours of happiness.

Oh well.

Today’s goal is to locate all my licensing paperwork and get that ready to be mailed off along with all my certs from the classes I’ve taken online. Will it work out? Who knows? I believe it should, although no thanks to those people I’ve paid money to supervise my hours. One of them didn’t even bother filling out the goddamn form for me so I have to somehow figure it out myself. It’s all gotta come together.

In the meantime, I think there’s some popcorn around here somewhere….

cough cough, sniffle sneeze… still getting over this cold and we’ve got another round trip ordeal to Denver on Monday ;(

Anyhoo, in the wee hours of the morning, I found myself wandering down to the laundry room and was absolutely DELIGHTED to find it dark and EMPTY. Glorious, I thought as I loaded up two washers. When I went to start the dryer, I found a woman doing the same thing. We started chatting and she told me that not only had she completed all of her Christmas shopping and everything was neatly wrapped but that she was on her way to the post office today to buy her Christmas stamps to mail out her Christmas cards.

I marveled aloud at how incredibly organized she was - she grinned broadly and proudly said, ‘Yes! I make myself crazy with how organized I am!’

Interesting conversations held while folding one’s wrinkly big granny drawers.

So I came upstairs and decided to go shopping for yet another diet adventure. This time it’s a vegan endeavor - no oil for the first month.

I found my book yesterday, McDougall’s Maximum Weight Loss and decided that I would try it out for 30 days. Hell, I made it through a liquid Medifast diet for nearly 3 months - so I think I can stomach eating soley veggies for the next month.

I imagine I’ll be cranky for the first few weeks - then it’ll settle in. So no eating out for the upcoming month. I’m not too worried about it really. I’m not much on holiday stuff but I can always do a salad with some vinegar if I share a meal with someone. Nice vegetable soup if they’ve got it….

Argh though. It wasn’t thrilling loading up the basket with salad, veggie/bean soups….

I noticed the ole Uncle Ben’s easy microwaveable rices had oil in them so that was out ;(

I have eaten enough sweets in the past few days to knock myself out….

Well, there’s ALWAYS a price to pay….

I had a great time yesterday - watched all the episodes of True Blood - that HBO miniseries by Alan Ball on the internet.

Seems that the EX has run into a snag - he was getting an 800 pension from the Marine Corps but they finally figured out he had that truck driving job so they are suspending it. He called yesterday all angry and telling me he was going to go back to selling marijuana. Ridiculous. I told him that while I agreed it was upsetting - there was no need to be drastic about it. His goal was to go to the Phillipines and hook up with his internet honey - go to school (give me a goddamn break - you could do that here loser) and his pension would keep him afloat every month.

The whole idea was ridiculous and I told him that when he first came up with it - but this latest setback really got him upset. I told him that losing his job would be a tragedy - but this was an unfortunate setback. He wasn’t having any of it yesterday. I told him to drive safely and take care of himself.

Good grief.

He called a few minutes ago talkin something about getting a VA loan and getting a house. Told him that means he needs to keep his job… rant rant rant again. Whatever, he’ll get over it. But he’s gotta pout and kick up a fuss first.

I guess we’re never too far away from being a two year old.

So it’s Friday and somewhere - ole LA and her musician boyfriend are wandering the City. I told her I was going out of town so wouldn’t be around to entertain them. So glad I did this - don’t really feel like dealing with her vanity and his silly humor. Anyway hopefully he popped the question to her on this romantic weekend.

Yeah, right.

I dyed my hair yesterday too - now it’s this frizzy dark mess. That’s what happens when the dye pulls the curl out of your hair. Guess it’ll settle back when it’s ready. The perils of dying your hair… I wish I didn’t have to do it.

Can’t wait till I’m older and I can just let that grey do it’s deed.

Well, today I’m gonna do a little picking up and then watch Dexter Season 3 along with reading A Mercy by Toni Morrison

It’s so great to be at home. I hopped in the tub a while ago and soaked for quite a bit. There’s nothing like submerging your head underwater in the darkness of your bathroom. I absolutely LOVE it. It’s like a mini escape…

I can’t be grateful enough for everything I have including my ridiculous ex husband, my unemployed brother who can’t wait till his unemployment gets extended…

Honestly having my job is truly something to be grateful for - someone was saying last week that she thought that there may be layoffs at our job.

Good Grief. I hope not… I’ve got close to 5 years in so hopefully it won’t affect my job. I shudder at the thought.

Shopaholic just called, Dad was discharged from the hospital and has pneumonia so they have him over at their house. He’s driving her and her sister crazy. Poor Shopaholic - took a week off because she had a brutal month and all week she’s been dealing with home drama.

Dang.

Hmmmm. That X-14 mildew remover did not do much to that rotten mold thing in my shower corner. It has however, certainly stunk up my whole apartment and I have the windows open right now trying to dilute that hideous odor. Weird, I threw whole bleach on it the other day and it was not even touched by it so I thought the X-14 crap would work….

What’s next?

Oh well…again it’s great to be home

Even if I’m getting ready to pass out from fumes….

Your best bet is honestly to stay away from the goddamn news.

Stop relying on that little time clock in the lower right hand corner of the TV during the morning news - this a result of hiding the giant digital clock that can basically be read from the moon - which of course became the bane of your existence after many a restless night staring at it’s neon numbers praying for sleep….

I wept the other morning when I heard of the Mother that dropped her kids to safety during an armed invasion home robbery - she was killed moments later. I quickly changed the channel and heard about that little Caylee who may or may not still be alive - gritted my teeth and switched the channel again to hear about the cholera outbreak in Zambia.

You won’t win - so don’t even try. It’s best to go back to the old routine of leaving the TV off and setting your cell phone to ring in 30 minute increments.

WTF?!

I snuck out of work after the visit with the Mother and her son. I gathered my pumpkin pie and even found a pineapple upside down cake?! It was divine. I was so happy to crawl back into my hovel while it was pouring outside and squeal with sheer delight at NOT being at work NOR having any social obligations. Having enough sweets to feed a small country is also something to become deliriously happy about….

This is the life.

Insulate yourself from bad news.

Insulate yourself from the world by surrounding yourself with an additional plush layer of flesh from your bevy of sweets….

Ok, maybe that’s not the life.

My father writes me an e-mail yesterday talking some shit about buying a house together. WTF?! How does one go from 0 to 60 in a matter of seconds? Pressure.

He’s putting pressure on me to conform to what he wants… not much different than when I was a kid. He MAKES me do things - back then he was bigger than me and very scary. Now he’s old and feeding off of the fact that I’m dumb enough to still communicate with him after ALL we’ve been through. It’s quite sickening really.

But now, let’s not dwell on the unthinkable. It just wouldn’t be right.

Now now dearest,

have another piece of

pineapple

upside down cake.

Got back from Denver today - sniffling and snorting.

That Four Points Denver Sheraton had me baking on check in and then shaking with the chills at midnight. NOT CUTE.

Grabbed my 16 year old hothead and headed back to Oakland. Wouldn’t you know it - her Grandmother was LATE again and I had to drop her off at the house. Never fails - that lady is super lazy. OH well. I kept tellin’ the kid to stop being angry that mistakes happen and make the most out of her week long pass - but quietly I wanted to kick that lazy ass my self.

So Co-Dependent picked me up from the airport and I drove back to the City.

I did however notice the scenes of holiday cheer at the airport. Folks, full intact families hugging, kissing - carrying on. Maternal scenes everywhere - a goddamn hallmark card.

No, this Grinch wasn’t bitter. It’s good to see happy people everywhere getting into the spirit of two days at the end of the year when they’re usually atrocious the rest of the year.

Yikes.

Me bitter?

hell no.

My goal is to buy a pumpkin pie and some whip cream (in a can of course) for my Thanksgiving treat. I adore this more than any of the other stuff. You can keep that dry turkey - though I’ll take that pineapple ham, candied pecan with shallots brussel sprouts and maple sugar butternut squash with plump golden raisins, the garlic mashed potatoes and CRANBERRY SAUCE. Yep….

Hmmm.

Nah- I’ll keep my pumpkin pie thanks.

Looks like the week will be winding up rather quickly. I will be taking that Mom to see her son on Wednesday morning. It’ll be nice to see them visit with eachother. He’s going with his Grandparents (that I took over today) for Thanksgiving Day to see his sister so that’s the plan.

Meanwhile, I’m beat.

I’m having oatmeal for dinner tonight. Too lazy to mess with anything else.

My other friend is needing a ride to the airport tomorrow morning at 4:30am! So I’ve offered to take her since she took me yesterday morning at a modest 10:00am. WTF? Nothing is for free ok? NOTHING.

Meanwhile creepy father of the year wrote me another e-mail:

Remember
You are loved.

Your parents.

WTF?! I called over there tonight in hopes that I wouldn’t catch him and fortunately I got my Mom. Whined about my cold and crankiness so it was a short call. Then I wrote ‘DAD’ back with some mundane chatter about the weather in Denver. ‘love you’ I wrote….

Whatever.

As long as I don’t have a dream about having sex with him - I’m cool. The last dream I had after hearing his voice was of me being killed.

I prefer that one.

Ok, now that the holiday cheer is once again been distilled by yours truly - Ms. Happy Holiday Cheer. I’ll have to wish everyone a Happy Turkey Day or Tofurky Day - whichever you prefer really.

For me it’s PUMPKIn Pie Day.

Fuck the diet.