! trANNsformation BaBy !

Yep, can you believe it?

It’s already Halloween.

Wow, time flies when you’re plowing through each day.

It’s cold here and dreary which is great. I’m lucky - don’t need to go anywhere today so it’s home time yet again

Love it.

Turned the phone back on and got calls from Shopaholic & LA already. I know I need to call Ms. Crisis but I guess I’ll wait a bit on that

I’ve still got another 3 days off

That brings a smile to my face.

Thanks for all the birthday wishes

Well, guess this means we’re sliding into the holidays now at full speed.

It was very productive day today.

I managed to do two classes online - let’s not talk about how much it cost me. It had to be done in order to get the license - so suck it up and drive on.

A few household things got done.

‘Dad’ sent me his resume and it was a disaster. Each employer listing had 20 lines of jibberish that only would be suitable for a military HR department. I asked him to pick 5 things from each employer so I could redo the whole thing.

He sends me back an e-mail:

I sent it so you could do what you need to. With your civilian job hunt
experience you’ll do the right thing. I know it’s long; but remember
that as a GOV employee that’s standard for us.

Yep, that’s all it said.

I am pissed off. I guess when you open the door to a fucking asshole shithead - you’d only be stupid to think it was for any other reason than to serve himself. I spent 3 hours looking up jobs in California, Arizona, Hawaii and through the VA for him. There isn’t much out there especially for him at his age and his capabilities - he needs to stay with the Government. He apparently sent out 38 applications this month for jobs that fit him so I hope a few of them pan out. I will forward him some leads that I’ve found - but they are not very good.

I’m not sure if I can handle him living so close to me. So I really hope something comes up somewhere else.

In the meanwhile, I have to endure this bullshit and do what he says in order to help my Mother out.

I shut off my phone so I would have a peaceful week but I guess staying out of my e-mail would have made a difference.

Oh well.

I managed to send my brother and my ex a bunch of job listings. Hopefully those two will pick up something from it.

Tomorrow’s plan is to hit the store, do the laundry and finish up around here (bathroom/kitchen).

On my birthday, Thursday I plan to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING but kick back and enjoy the silence.

I’m glad I’m off.

Progress today:

1) picked up around here and actually managed to clear a few areas of debris.

2) had a productive phone call with Mother.

3) got an e-mail from Father.

Ate a persimmon. I love persimmons. Should actually eat more of these things….

Tomorrow’s grand master plan:

In between taking my first class online

1) clean up the kitchen
2) throw out the garbage
3) go to the gym?
4) begin the bathroom sink clean up
5) vacuum
6) laundry?

Ok, maybe not all of those things but the class is a definite as well as the goddamn gym.

Going to bed early tonight as well.

So it’s been a wild week at work and now I’m off.

This weekend I went to see houses with Ms. Incompetent - I’m working on getting a new agent. Saw nothing that was any good and she supposedly ‘previewed’ these houses for me but they had cracks in the ceiling, the bathroom floor sunk in on one of the bathrooms and there was mold all over the inside of one of the listings. As I used my GPS to get us from location to location, I realized that I really need to move on from her. She is ridiculously incompetent and it was an utter waste of my time this weekend. After we were done, I drove down to San Jose to see Ms. Crisis.

Her husband went to a work function dinner and she wanted to hang out. When I arrived at the coffee shop, I saw that she was sweating profusely. She looked completely uncomfortable and unhealthy as I’m pretty sure that since I last saw her last month she’s gained even more weight. I have no doubt that Ms. Crisis is now weighing an excess of 260 pounds and this on her 5 foot frame has wreaked havoc on her body. It was very sad to see my dear friend in this state. She can no longer walk without a ‘waddling’ gate because her shoes don’t fit her, they looked like two puffy marshmallows strapped into her sandals. She had a really hard time getting into my car - I’ve got a Honda civic - I had to buckle her in and it wasn’t very easy. She breathed heavily during the entire movie and seemed out of breath the whole time. It was bad, at dinner we stopped off at a Thai restaurant in the local area and she ate the entire appetizer plate which was deep friend. She talked about an old friend of her giving her diet advice and how outraged she was because it was not welcome. I gently said that perhaps it was because she cared and she immediately bristled, ‘I know what do do about my weight. I won’t have anyone telling me anything about it. It’s incredibly rude!’ I sat quietly and listened to her complain about work, her house and her cat. Then we both talked about how wonderful it would be if her husband got that job at the college district. I drove her to her car and marveled at how far away she parked from the coffee shop. ‘I’m trying to make myself walk further but it’s really hard for me because of the heat and my lack of proper footwear. But I am trying’ she said as she looked at me tearfully, then she gave me a hug goodbye.

I watched her struggle to get into her own car. She looked so incredibly exhausted and defeated. I don’t know what the answer is for her. Her custom shoes are being built as we speak but it may take a few tries to get it right. In the meantime, her husband has refurbished her ‘tricycle’ so that she could try to get some more exercise. I felt angry with him for a moment because he clearly does all the food shopping and is responsible for ‘caring’ for her. But then I let it go because after all, she makes her own decisions.

It made me reflect on my own weight problem and how nobody was responsible for my failure to respect my own body except myself.

And ultimately, that’s what it is - a complete disregard for yourself. To allow yourself to become so distorted that you cannot recognize your basic needs anymore - you’re eating emotionally, out of habit.

I drove away at 9:30 at night feeling more depressed.

It was a struggle to hang out with her because I’ve been so damned depressed these last few weeks that honestly, I just want to stay in bed. It’s been quite horrible and I’ve been entertaining a lot of stupid thoughts in order to ease the burden.

It’s your period.

It’s because your birthday is coming up.

It’s because you haven’t found anyone special in your life.

It’s because you don’t have any kids.

It’s because of your miserable job, Annie.

It’s because you haven’t found your dream house and you’re sick of looking.

No, no - it’s because of your weight.

Well, for whatever reason, I fell into that hole of darkness and am clawing my way back out again. It’s much better today.

Shopaholic and I went to visit a friend over in the East Bay on Sunday. She and her husband are renting a beautiful home in a really nice neighborhood for a very decent price. Her children are absolutely wonderful and seeing them work as a team to raise them was refreshing. She has a very solid marriage with a man who is solid and thoughtful. He’s recently lost his job and he’s looking for a new one. I’ve known them for about 5 years now and I have to say that they are very good for each other. That’s also refreshing to see a good, happy marriage. No marriage is perfect, but the positive regard and respect they have for each other is very comforting. At least someone in my immediate circle has a lasting, loving relationship. We both came away from it feeling rather optimistic.

Now, in order to preserve my sanity this week, I’ve decided to avoid any phone calls from my friends. I need a goddamn break. Last time I went on ‘vacation’, I fielded endless calls from Shopaholic giving me a blow by blow depiction of work misery. Not this time, nope.

I told everyone that I am going on a ‘retreat’ for my birthday. ‘Sorry, there’s no phone service for a while where I’m going. It’s going to be very peaceful’, I said. Well, we can all bend the truth a little. That retreat is my house and I’ve shut off the phone this morning. I figure I will speak to my brother and my mother(basically family members) with the spare phone. No one has the number to the spare phone.

I’m going to do three things this week.

1) clean up this mess.

2) complete at least 2 out of the 3 online classes for my license.

3) go back to the goddamn gym.

I will emerge on Friday night again to face the world feeling hopefully refreshed from taking care of things here at home.

I have to say that it feels daunting. My home reflects how I’ve been feeling these last few weeks. It’s not pretty.

I drove myself to the gym on Friday to find that my membership is still good till next March. So I have no excuse why I can’t go there three times a week and battle this bulge.

I also watched a documentary called ‘Earthlings’ it was recommended by Long Beach who barely made it through the first 10 minutes. It’s rather brutal, but I think that it’s worth seeing. Whether or not you agree with it’s premise, it’s sobering and it makes you want to really make your eating choices (meat) wisely. Some may want to abstain entirely from it (vegan) but as I tend to alter things in order to make them acceptable to my world (like my spiritual beliefs - a little of this a smattering of that). Some may argue that the approach is wrong, but hey - it works for me. Ultimately, I have to live with my own choices. So I sat through it and have come away with an awareness that I had not previously had and a new found determination to incorporate what I’ve witnessed into my choices. I feel that I can make adjustments to my own eating to limit my contribution to suffering as well. By no means am I going vegan, but I think seeing some of what’s going on can only inform your decisions.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6361872964130308142

So we continue to work through life. Day after day. Meeting challenges, overcoming or perhaps struggling with obstacles - but I think that being proactive is the answer. Sometimes good things happen which make us smile or laugh.

Geez.

Is that the sun shining out there?

I’ve opened the blinds to let it in.

As always I am grateful.

But today I’m feeling hopeful….