! trANNsformation BaBy !

Yep, that’s who met me for the coffee today.

The resemblance to Truman Capote in everything except biting wit and sarcasm was absolutely uncanny. His feminine demeanor and soft voice was absolutely stunning. I kept looking around wondering if this was perhaps some type of ‘Candid Camera’ moment and a film crew was going to jump out and we’d all laugh this off.

Fuck no.

I spent the first few minutes in utter horror while sipping my hot chocolate and pretending to listen intently to his story of child rearing. He has a 6 year old that just started Kindergarten (odd), an ex wife 3 blocks away, separated for 2 divorced for 1 and his father was a Priest. Now at 49 years of age, he is looking for love again. An hour later I shifted in my chair uncomfortably to hopefully signal the end of this meeting and yet, nothing. So I finally suggested a walk around the crowded shopping area. He obliged and began to talk about his jury experience. I finally offered to walk him to his car when he looked a bit disappointed and hugged him goodbye. He paused for a while and I honestly did not know WHAT to say. ‘Keep in touch’ , I said gently, ‘Thanks for coming out to meet me. Have a good day.’

WTF?! I felt depressed. Then I remembered Co-Dependent wanted to get together and she has that nice little shack with a view of the ocean so I called her up. ‘Come over’ she said enthusiastically. I couldn’t refuse - I needed suddenly to GET AWAY. So once I got there, we chatted a bit and then Asshole Drunk came home. What a vile looking creature he is with his huge beer gut, pimply skin and fat head. He tried to make me laugh a few times and honestly, I wasn’t in the mood and then he became belligerent so I left and she walked me to the car apologizing.

So I drove straight to the Safeway and the oven is preheating so I can have a few slices of thin crust BBQ chicken pizza. I have low fat ice cream bar to eat for dessert. I have a REAL Pepsi chillin in the fridge and hell no it’s not cute that I’m doing this but whatever. At least it’s not a poundcake, whip cream, macaroni and cheese, cheesecake and REAL ICECREAM. So fuck it.

Goddamn it, fuck that dumb ass guy (co-dependent’s man) - I could give a shit less about a low self esteem alcoholic - but why oh why have I not learned my lesson when it comes to E-UGLY? I just checked on the other dude who I gave my number to on Friday and that genius wrote me back asking if I could let him know when a good time to call would be?

WTF?!

Do you also need me shake your shit when you’re done pissing too? WTF?!

WHERE ARE THE REAL MEN AROUND THIS FUCKING PLACE?

At age 52, I think by now you may have figured out how to communicate with another human being. Good Grief.

My ex keeps saying,’ You need to MOVE out of San Francisco in order to find a real man dumb ass!’ Yeah, Yeah, I tell him. There are plenty of men around here but then when it comes down to it - I’m like WTF?!

Ok, enough on this subject.

I cannot believe I paid 59.95 for one month just because I actually thought there might be something to this….geez.

Ok, ok - enough already.

Last night I couldn’t sleep because I kept thinking of Researcher and ole Stocky. I don’t know why, they were both hopeless causes but one I was attracted to and the other- well at least that fucker knew what he wanted and went after it - I just had no chemistry with him. ;(

Oh well.

At least I can sit in this messy house (except for the goddamn kitchen which is clean), eat BBQ chicken thin crust pizza and watch something mindless on TV.

Fuck. At least I figured out how to add a picture to this shit.

Believe me - it was dumb luck. I doubt it will happen again…..

A lovely day with the Crisis couple and the movie was just what we needed - a really good laugh ‘Burn After Reading’. It was great. We had a lovely lunch at my favorite Thai restaurant down there….

I lucked out and Harriet was pooped out so I took my time meandering back home. I stopped at a few clothing stores and looked around. I found a cool dress for 16.00 and a pair of tights for 3.99 Then I went to Target to get serious about grabbing my slimshit and alas - only their generic for less than 5 bucks so I took it Same shit, but way cheaper. I’ll take that anyday. Then I had a few cookies Actually one would have done it but someone got greedy and grabbed TWO! Oh well.

So what to do about these wrinkles in the interim as I can’t afford to get shot up at the moment. I grabbed some Boots No. 7 moisture night cream and some Neutrogena intensive wrinkle crap. So tonight I’ll start - as I haven’t had a nightime routine in like forever - it’s about goddamn time. Because I’m definitely not getting any younger. I don’t think this shit will be that effective but I’m willing to try it out.

I’m also thinkin about getting a haircut again to learn to live better with my curls. But goodness those goddamn greys are really making an appearance at the hairline. ;( So lazy to dye that mess.

Shit it’s already 10! Man did the day get away from me and I never cleaned up

Oh well there’s always tomorrow

Yep, after spending my Friday night doing Word Search while propped in my bed - I emerge to a dirty house Yep, that single girl’s lifestyle is truly one to envy.

But let me say this: I have lost 3 pounds.

Where are the Mariachi bands when you need them?

Your fluffy puff of a gal is now 189. Yep. The muffin top has deflated a tiny bit and is now not leaving that red ring of joy around my non existent waist.

So having done the slimshit barely this week - I feel a sense of well —— empowerment? I am nearly out so I must go to the store and buy another case of liquid miracle to supplement my intake. I’m going back to work on Monday so it shouldn’t be difficult to torture myself in that controlled environment.

Co-Dependent has been calling - she wants to hang out. Just a sweetie that one is but alas - I have the Crisis Couple to meet today for lunch and ‘Burn After Reading’. I opened one of my credit card statements and found a bonus of an 83 dollar credit so that will be paying for today’s festivities as I do need to thank them for the Tahoe trip as well as Ms. Crisis birthday which I sorely forgot a few weeks ago. I totally suck. I only this year found out Shopaholic’s birthday - I’ve been fucking it up for the past 7 years. Negligent bitch I know.

On the topic of finances. WTF?! I need to figure out where I’m fucking up. I haven’t bought a goddamn thing for months now and yet I managed to overdraft?! I think it’s those concert tickets. They were costly as well as the tickets to go see Toni Morrison lecture. Worthy things but honestly I need to re-evaluate my spending because I can’t afford to fuck up like that when I get a mortgage.

Dang.

So yesterday me and my new agent went to see a flurry of houses in 2 1/2 hours. Loved it. Ms. Z so kindly offered a listing that was magnificent! You never know where the magic will come from on any given day and that was just wonderful! The East Bay is so adventurous - affordability also has unpredictability built into it so one street can be decent and the next treacherous. It’s a shame what solid houses are on these rough streets. A crying shame actually. I saw a very quirky house on a totally bad feng shui lot - T intersection, stop sign in front of the property, freeway to the right and busy busy street to the back. But it made us both smile when we opened that front door. A giant bright hardwood rectangle with 3 skylights built on the roof - you could see clear to the back wall which was kitchen cabinets. I love a giant space I only like walls on bathrooms and bedrooms. The place needed some work but it was very cool. The location however was a goddamn disaster. Oh well, that’s the way it’s been lately. Great houses in bad locations. Total crap houses everywhere. You just never know. So the search continues.

My agent is funny and chatty - she got the gastric band surgery 10 years ago and met her latest husband online. She disclosed this when she offered me potato chips while she was sipping her Diet Coke. I declined while sipping my Splenda Starbucks frap from the 7-11 we stopped in. She said it was the best thing she’s ever done and she never looks at a scale anymore. She used to weigh 275 - how incredible no? She says her life started over again after the surgery. She’s gonna preview houses for me that I send to her so I wouldn’t have to make the trip if it’s not worth seeing. That was cool of her.

It was weird when I thought about her food choices last night while I was sitting here. I wasn’t hungry really yet I insisted on feeding myself because God forbid I not have a meal for once. I forced myself to eat and it was sheerly out of habit rather than need. I could have stopped but I didn’t. I guess I need to really listen to my body instead of following habit. That’s a change that also needs to come you know? It’s like a series of mental challenges - choices, quantity, quality, hunger? I know that habit shit can really fuck you up. I had an co-worker that had the surgery and she would continue to order huge quantities of food when we went out because she was so used to it. Without that mindfulness you can really undo your most earnest efforts. It’s not so much self control as it is logical thinking you know? Shit, I even doubted this while I typed it… whatever it is you need to be aware of it. So no more forcing myself to eat. Ridiculous.

Well I have to confess that I signed back onto e-ugly. I had three bites and what’s a girl to do? The prospect of perhaps sitting across the table from someone more interesting that my discolored Word Search booklet was intriguing to say the least. So if nothing else, I’ll have a story to tell right? So one of them I haven’t heard from - but the other two are going strong. One is a 49 year old Finance guy with a son and the other is a 52 year old Architect. So we’ll see as Financier has already left me a voicemail message that I’ll respond to today and I e-mailed Architect my phone number yesterday. Oh well - no GREAT EXPECTATIONS believe me. At this point, I think everyone is aware of my luck with men.

I managed to come to another life changing decision while at the Lake. I’ve decided to get my clinical license BEFORE going into any child rearing situation. My ex-husband helped me come to that conclusion when he said I was insane to not ensure that I was at my financial best before bringing a kid into the picture. He’s right - but let’s pretend that I came to this after all I am the one who was smarter RIGHT?! So that’s the new deal which means miserable class taking and test taking again. So be prepared to hear the whining that goes along with that endeavor. Yep, like this isn’t the WHINE, PISS, MOAN and BITCH blog of the century.

Hopefully it might also include a SEX foray at some point in the near future? Yes, I vaguely remember what that was like….

Ok, I need to do something about this goddamn mess and it’s already 9:16am. Fuck. I invited Harriet over to hang tonight if she was available….she also gave me a listing She’s so sweet - especially after all she’s been through walking away from her house as well. Can’t put my buddy through a dirty house can I?

So up and at it.

Oh yeah, today’s Tarot card says:

The Empress card affirms that my alter ego today is a Domestic Diva, whose superpower is to conceive, nurture or create potential by labors of love.

WTF?! Diva yes. Domestic - well somebody out to look at this dump right now.

Guess I’d better create a potentially clean house through some labor of love right now.

fuck.

Well, I made it up here in one piece (the rental car that is) and once that puppy was parked. It’s a wrap. I’m not going to go exploring in that goddamn rental car. I’ve had enough car woes already. So it’s pretty up here at the Lakeside Lodge. It’s a time share joint and it’s like the Bates Motel - not eerie or anything but it’s a little gathering of ‘cabins’ around a small parking lot off the main road. But behind the tiny motel rooms (complete with kitchenette and the bed comes out of the wall) there’s a lake front little sandy area where you can sit and look at the lake.

It’s been swell. I’m on day 2 of laying around, reading and looking at that lake. Yesterday I was all alone all day which was really neat because it was pretty quiet except for the faint sound of traffic from the main road. I bought myself some provisions the day I got here and now we’re down to a few bags of 100 calorie popcorn, a thing of fresh soup from Safeway, a banana, a yogurt and 2 protein odwalla drinks. So that’s the grub for today my last day.

You would think I had some magical epiphany while laying on the dirty lounger in the sand looking out at the beautiful serene lake. No, I watched many a couple kayaking across the lake, a few adolescent boys throwing around a volleyball at the next resort over, another older couple arguing at the resort to my left about where to go for dinner…. I’ve seen a squirrel, a baby bunny rabbit, at least 4 types of birds (woodpecker, blue jay, sea gull, red robin) and some dead pubic hair floating in the hot tub on the property where I soaked my feet the other day.

It was weird, at 1:45 yesterday in the middle of a book on that deserted shore - suddenly a wild gathering of birds around me. Lots of chirping and cackling - some were taking a dip in the lake - others standing on the rocks and in the pine tree above me. It was very interesting. I enjoyed it thoroughly - within 5 minutes they left. Not prompted by anyone or anything mind you….

So there I was alternating looking out at the lake with reading a book. Hoping that the winds that blew would blow some sense into my thick skull.

I managed to let my other realtor go before I left - told her I put the house hunting on hold. The other agent was disappointed that I did not put in a bid for the cute house. Oh well. The search goes on….

I’ve been sipping tea, poppin motrin, reading the newspaper?! and generally doing absolutely nothing for the past 2 days. It’s been swell….

I’m going to leave the cleaning gal a big fat tip when I leave. I’ve kept the place very clean (weird how I always do that when on vacation) so she won’t have much to do except change the linens and throw out the garbage.

I’m grateful to the Crisis couple for letting me come here and chill out. I will take them out to eat and a movie when I get back…. that’s the least I could do.

Today I can see the sun peeping in and out - yesterday it was out for most of the day. But I was undaunted by the gale winds, sprinkling of rain and the ominous rain clouds. I sat through it all with my book and stainless steel mug full of tea. By golly - I’m on vacation.

Tomorrow morning I head back to the city.

My plans for my birthday of going away to Hawaii are officially nixed. I need to save the money for home inspection. So perhaps a little jaunt to the coast for a few days is what will have to do for this 41st celebration of life. (wry smile)

My budgeting also needs to be re-examined as I overdraft yesterday and had to call today to get it waived. What the hell? I haven’t bought anything but concert tickets for the last few months…. but perhaps that too needs to be trimmed down to size.

This trip was truly needed and despite my unwillingness to move a muscle anywhere except to my shack and back to the shore- it will undoubtedly be a lasting memory for me.

Now, enough of this - I’ve got the newspaper to read then off to the shore to read a book, ponder the meaning of life and watch other people kayaking across the lake.