one
So Co-Dependent comes up to me at the end of her day and after she listens to me whine about never getting to leave at 5pm says, ‘It’s over’. Come to find out that roach (her boyfriend) has not gotten paid from his bbq demo job and was supposed to drive over to give her gas money so she could get home tonight but he never showed. She called him and found out that he spent the last of the money on beers for himself. Considering that one of her conditions for him moving to the new place with her was that he was to CEASE drinking and start being responsible - this wasn’t a smart move. Well it wouldn’t be a smart move if you were with someone who would really enforce boundaries… so I offer to drive her home but her car is in the parking lot. So I gave her 40 bucks (half a tank on her car) to get home. I didn’t lecture - I just said to her ‘a wise decision hon’. So who knows what will happen she says she’s gonna give him a month (she’s gonna take his 1000.00 check for rent this month) and he will have to go. She’s been taking surf lessons from some cute/hot 30 some odd year old surfer boy with no addiction issues who works constantly either giving surf, swimming or sailing lessons and now she says that she wants to be with someone like that dude. No more addicted, non working pieces of shit for her anymore. Guess the guy whined to her that he doesn’t make a lot of money and women aren’t very interested in him - she swooned when she said, ‘Hell Annie - I’ve been with someone who hasn’t worked in 6 years! I’d be happy if he worked as hard as this guy does AND he doesn’t do drugs/alcohol. He’s totally a nature loving guy! I wish I was skinny - I might be able to stand a chance with him.’
She’s going over to her parents house and is going to ask them for sailing lessons for her Christmas present so she can spend more time with Mr. Surf. She’s already looked at Craigslist to see who might be interested in a room for rent in her area by the beach and found someone who has a dog who is looking right now. So she’s feeling better about getting rid of him. As I drove her to her car, I asked her if her heart would be a mess because of it and she said, ‘No, I love him so much but not in THAT way anymore. It’s more of how you love a brother, not a lover.’
We’ll see.
Meanwhile, court today proved to be painful. The proceeding sucked but the fact that the court officer called me another social worker’s name was humiliating. Especially when I know what THAT social worker looks like - 
YIKES! She’s probably a 18-20 and she’s mixed like me too. Good Grief! I know I’ve gained back 40 pounds but geez - I’m not a size 16 right now. Believe me I wasn’t feeling fucking fantastic in my size 14’s but goddamn it - I’m thanking my lucky stars that I haven’t crept back up to 16/18’s again. DAMN.
Fuck. I have GOT to do something about this fucking fat.
Then of course, before this whole thing happens I was sitting in the bright sunshine of the window on the polished wooden bench looking at the craftsmanship of it and wondering where its life would lead it after the courthouse when Slinky walks up and sits on the bench next to mine. She was gabbing mindlessly on the phone and while she was preoccupied with her nails - I took furtive glances at her slender figure. I noticed how sharply her chin jutted out away from her neck - no double chins for this middle aged gazelle and how her fitted jeans skimmed down the side of her hips, spilling onto the floor right above her pencil thin heels which showcased her red ruby pedicure. Careful to not catch her attention and FORCE a friendly smile, I continued to observe her. Much like Jane Goodall observed the chimps only I will never be able to make sense of why some of us are so blessed while others of us live in constant agony.
My eyes followed her trim hips onto her simple blouse which proudly displayed her thin arms (no batwings there) and her jutting collar bones. I winced when I got to those collar bones. I adore collar bones for some strange reason and have always liked them when I used to have them on me. I felt flushed with hopelessness. I looked back out the window. I have definitely had my fill of Ms. Svelte. I shifted my heavy mass uncomfortably in my seat and took stock of my pale legs which resembled gigantic blue ribbon winning turnips. I carefully placed my manila envelope in front of my gut. Perhaps somehow it would camouflage my rotund shame.
Oh well I sighed to myself as I looked out the window at the parade of people below. This is what it always feels like to be so out of place and so - well - so fucking LARGE. I then started the next reflex - how to rid myself of it.
sigh.
Habits, changing habits, adopting healthy habits, incorporating fruits, vegetables, whole grains, forgoing artificial sugars, more fiber, more water, less fat, more movement - yeah yeah yeah. At this point, I’m sure I can write a goddamn book on weight loss. It’s not ignorance that impedes my progress.
maybe, just maybe i don’t fucking care.
it’s like being in a bad marriage, a shit relationship of any kind whether you’re fucking them or not. it’s like you get used to it. it’s familiar. at some strange point, you almost long for the goddamn dysfunction.
me and food.
a horrible relationship.
it’s my best friend,
my worst enemy,
my sex substitute,
my anger outlet,
my consolation,
my retribution,
my advisor,
my conscience,
my confidant,
my downfall
my absolute addiction
my salvation.
oh well.
sigh.
the thought of another torturous journey into the extreme is rather daunting.
When i walk now i literally feel the giant lobes of ass rolling over from joint to joint. Shifting to each side with every step i take.
even the boat this morning that was selected for me for the sculling lesson was made for heavy weights. She was as slight as the birds that watched us from the reeds this morning and as deaf as the mossy stones under them. But she was a trooper and she gave me a fairly good lesson. I worried about her slipping and falling (she’s well into her 70’s) on that greasy bird shit laden dock but she holds her own that tough grey bird. I didn’t mind that she’s probably lost her hearing along the way and yells so loudly that you wonder if perhaps she’ll be contributing to your own hearing loss.
it was shaky, uncoordinated, cluster fuckish - like your first time - but i did it. my hefty ass carefully managing that shiny single craft. at a few choice moments i managed to stop concentrating on form and welcomed the searing sliver of sunlight that flashed on the still water. The birds seemed to enjoy the show of me and the wise one - one yelling across the water from her featherweight float and the other fumbling with those artificial long arms. at one point, in the middle of that green lake under that blue sky; i looked over at her and felt such admiration for her that it choked me up in the middle of my stroke. here she was someone’s mother, granny, daughter, sister, lover, friend - someone somewhere loved her in all of her hoarse glory.
well someone else besides me at 6:45am this morning.
Posted by anngirl on August 26th, 2008 under General| M | T | W | T | F | S | S |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| « Jul | Sep » | |||||
| 1 | 2 | 3 | ||||
| 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 |
| 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 |
| 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 |
| 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 |
Blogroll
Meta:
August 28th, 2008 at 12:14 am
The sculling lesson sounds very interesting and fun. I’ve never thought of pursuing something like that. I think it would be very tough, but challenging and fun. And to be outside feels so good. You are kind in your observations of your instructor, and I’ll bet you’re probably right, that someone else loves her.
As for food, sigh, know what you mean. It’s a bugger.
Place your wish(es) under your pillow for as long as needs be.
Write them on any stationary, with any pen. I would be tempted to find something finely made. I’d scent it. I’d fold it. I’d give it a quick kiss, too. I feel like the more I invest (and you know I don’t really mean $), the stronger the magic.
Is this real? Nah. Probably not. But I do own a magic wand. I’ve never thrown it out. I do believe that some things are magic. Why not go with it?
Sorry for your friend’s disappointment - on the other hand, sounds like her surfing teacher is worth her getting to know….Maybe the universe was paying attention?