! trANNsformation BaBy !

 Golden Girls was always one of my favorites - my Mother loves it too.  I trust you’re on a wonderful new journey. …

Well not exactly but I’ll take a better day than Friday ANY day.

This weekend was much much better. Although I haven’t lost a goddamn pound. Oh well.

The row class is officially over.

Co-Dependent came over on Saturday night with her pooch and I fed her grilled mahi, vegetable biryani, salad and organic peaches for dessert. She’s in misery over her boyfriend (worthless piece o’shit) but hey - at some point you need to realize that YOU are the problem for hanging on to such debris. No lectures from me - merely good food, empathy and turkey meatballs for her pooch. It was really weird watching tv with someone besides myself - we watched an episode of Shear Genius. She’s a harsh critic - that tomato face (yep, no matter how many times I counsel her on the benefits of sun screen and smoking cessation - this shit continues to do both in unhealthy amounts) and when that p.o.s. called - she yelled at him and then apologized to me. No worries - I told her. I just told her I’d say one thing and that was it. ‘life is too short for that shit’.

Man it’s been a while In preparation for her arrival - I managed to clean up everything EXCEPT that small clothes pile on my bed. When she saw that my dresser fell apart, she suggested we ditch it. I was THRILLED - her and I proceeded to haul the drawers outta here and I hauled the carcass away because she was huffin and puffin so much with the drawers I thought she was gonna PASS OUT. It was great - the only SHIT part is now I’ve got about 5 piles of worthless bits of clothing on my bed. I got avalanched last night in the dead of sleep which wasn’t cute - but hell - I just pushed that shit to the side and went back to sleepin. I thought to myself, ‘what’s discomfort when at one point when I was in the army we were dying to sleep in the dirt because we were so exhausted!’. Anyhoo - now I have to deal with that huge pile - maybe I’ll start peckin’ at it tonight.

I feel exhausted though. Food was alright this weekend -I’m gonna cook up some more fish for dinner tonight. I just want to chill - I even managed to clean out my DYSON filter yesterday, wipe down the kitchen floor AND get my laundry into the basket. AMAZING.

I guess I’ll go for that novice row team on Tuesday mornin - we’ll see how long I can last. Today though, it was really shitty - I couldn’t get with it and had difficulties feeling the stroke etc. Oh well - I guess it was an off day. I also managed to yell back at the coach (lady in the boat - coxswain) when she kept annoying me by yelling that I was OFF my stroke. NO SHIT BITCH. Now shut up so I can concentrate.

Yep, totally unsportsmanlike behavior - shit - seems easier as I get older. Whatever. It was fine - once we were off the water - I didn’t stay for the BBQ. I wanted out and onto my massage today.

A lovely Chinese Auntie rubbed me the right way for only 35.00 plus my 10.00 tip to her - for a whole hour too. Shit, I’m not a massage girl but I really needed this - I felt SO tight in my shoulders that I was wincing with stress, frustration and pain. I tried to go to the library - but they were closed. So I got some cereal, a turkey wrap, some splenda green tea and tried the new fat free yogurt at the local asian bubble tea shop. It was actually quite refreshing. On this gloomy drizzly San Francisco day it hit the spot.

Now here I sit after a nice long eucalyptus soak I’m pretty content.

I’m anxious to keep moving this pudge around - maybe it’ll cut down the stress level. Work should be grueling again next week but you know what - I feel slightly recharged you know?

I am grateful for hot water, eucalyptus sea salts, lavender bubble bath and a dear Chinese Auntie who smiled down at me - ‘you feel betta - ok?’

yeah, I grinned back, I feel betta.

I’ve been working like a dog all week.

Last night I was at work until the building’s lights went out at 10:00pm and wished I had another 1/2 hour to complete what I was doing.

I decide that I need to bring stuff home. I mean at one point or another we all do it. I’ve managed to not do this to myself because I like my space to be a ‘work free’ zone.

Well, despite today being my day off - I thought I might catch a glimpse of my kid today because he had a doctor’s appointment in the city. I call the group home staff at 1:00 after grudgingly typing notes for a few hours and find that he’s in crisis at the group home. He’s been in crisis since 9:00am! They were not handling the situation appropriately. I then proceeded to spend the next 4 hours fielding phone calls from the group home director, psych assessment staff at the local hospital, the duty worker (who had to FAX one lousy piece of paper - shit she got off real easy today) and leaving messages for my supervisor while anxiously typing notes. WTF? I might as well have been sitting at my desk. It was ABSOLUTELY miserable.

I just got the last call of the day and my kid is being hospitalized in the city. I’m relieved to hear this - if I wouldn’t have checked in today I shudder to think what could have happened. WTF?!!!

Ms. Crisis called in the midst of this and despite being interrupted to field the calls - she managed to detail the misery of her current situation for a good hour. As she was talking I wondered what I’ve done to deserve this…

This morning before the drama - I left the house for a hot minute because I wanted to treat myself to some chicken soup. Now mind you, I don’t crave chicken soup ever. But I felt like I wanted to make it and eat it in some attempt to comfort myself. I made it and ate it - but it was not comforting.

I did overeat today out of sheer frustration, but luckily I have nothing in my home that could really put me under.

I decide to call my mother tonight to check in - she’s had to let go the ‘helper’ that came to her home because she wasn’t cleaning the home properly despite redirection. She lamented about my brother’s debt (I told him not to say anything about this because we argued about it last time) which he explained to her in detail and then told her not to tell me about it. I was irritated already when she went onto say how happy Wildchild was with her husband and what a great decision she made - how that could have been me. Disgusting - that guy made me want to puke - how much would I hate myself to wake up to that shit every morning strictly based on funds. WTF?! I was not in the mood for this call today but did it out of obligation. I kept thinking about how horrible it was that my mother will be gone someday (perhaps soon) and I’m feeling so irate with her at that very moment. I yelled when the phone went dead because she told me I hung up on her WTF? Basically it was a miserable call for the both of us even though it ended with gratuitous ‘love yous’ .

Five minutes later my brother calls - a normal enough conversation for the first few seconds until we get to the topic of his debt disclosure. We argue and he hangs up on me. I just looked at the phone.

whatever.

I am truly sick of everything today.

yeah AND I’ve got rowing tomorrow morning.

i don’t give a flying fuck right now if my face freezes this way.

Rowing was cool this weekend.

I’m getting the hang of it and really enjoy it. I wonder what it would feel like to row continuously for like 20-30 minutes on the water. I’m honestly thinking about becoming part of the novice rowing team despite the long ass drive three times a week. I feel like I finally found something I like to do and it would be awesome if I could actually get good at it. It’s still debatable at this point due to the time involvement - 1 hour total commute time - waking up at 4:15 to get out of the house by 4:30am to get there by 5:00am to start.

Now mind you I used to get up at 4:30am when I was in the military and had to go do the physical training at the base which was a good 30 minutes away.

We’ll have to see. Although I have to say - today we were coached by a new dude who is the coach for the novice group - he’s like 6′2 or something like that - long, lean and at least 30 years old which was actually kinda nice. I see NO wedding ring (I know it doesn’t mean shit but hey), dude is a total GEEK and a bit verbose for my tastes but seems like a nice dude. I was thinking about his balls so I guess I’m interested

Turn off though - dirty fingernails.

Unless you’re a mechanic - dirty fingernails don’t fly with me. Let’s hope he was doing yard work before he showed up this morning - preferably in the backyard of his 4 bedroom house in Palo Alto in which he resides ALONE - because he hasn’t met the likes of ANNIE GIRL

We can dream no?

Food.

Ah the sordid topic.

I actually did some calorie counting and found out I did 1400 calories today. Now the sweet potato chips with mango/pineapple salsa were totally unnecessary - but hey it happened. My brother berated me to no end about the sugar/fat content of my meals. Whatever. I put up with this shit because I know it helps him with his own dieting (day 9 of nutrisystem with no cheat day) but I have to say that I’ve told him more than once to tread lightly.

I also managed to transfer funds today - from my higher APR card (damn it to hell when the introductory rate fizzles out - now it’s 10.99 and that’s AFTER I called to get it lowered from 13.99 - WTF?!) to two lower apr cards (1.75 and 1.99 respectively) so that makes me feel a lot better. Now we can get back to the business of paying this shit off. I was doing well until I got off track. So I’ve got about 8 grand to pay off right now and some decent cards that will let me do it by next April. No more purchases on credit cards - I’ve already removed them from my wallet. No need to anymore - I’m not going to pay for anything but car rental on my southwest card to earn rapid rewards points. So I feel like my finances are getting into check little by little. That feels pretty damn good.

it’s fucked how hard you work to make it and how quickly it slips away

My house is looking better - I managed to pick up more stuff - cut the pile on my bed down to at least 1/3 left which is fantastic. I also have tons of trash to throw out.

I even managed to look up my DYSON’s problem on their website - so I’ll do some ‘filter’ cleaning tomorrow to see if that’ll rectify my poor suction issue.

yeah, things are getting into order.

Tomorrow I’ll go ahead and sign up for my online classes for my classes - see if I can get my union to reimburse me. $260.00 is a lot of money - it’d be nice to get it back.

I had dover sole and vegetable biryani rice for dinner tonight along with a side of organic heirloom tomato w/lowfat cucumber yogurt dressing. It was quite good. Now my house smells like fish despite all of these candles and open windows - but I’m sure my body is thanking me.

Gym tomorrow morning?

alright - let’s not get crazy