Another rough week at work ahead. Today was chaotic.
I almost did it today as far as food is concerned….
There were a few good decisions made in lieu of bad ones - then the stress caused a major rift in my thinking.
But it was a good trial run. I just need to not let myself get THAT hungry and drink tea when I’m stressed. I can do it. I guess I wasn’t mentally prepared for this today. I let stress get the best of me.
Do over time….
It was an interesting day.
I met up with Divorcee at her joint in Mill Valley. I was surprised to see her place was smaller than mine! I learned a lot about her today. On the way out, I saw her squeeze - the 54 year old who can’t seem to call her when he says he will, isn’t ready for any type of commitment and is still emotionally attached to his ex wife - he looked very very weary. He’s definitely lucky to have her as a squeeze. He may only be 54 but he looks like he’s about 80…. She’s 40 years old and is finally using sunscreen after much prodding and pushing. Hope she remains strong - she put him at arms length because he wasn’t able to be consistent…
Life, always challenging.
We went for a nice hike - I was winded some of the time but I made it and enjoyed it. We stopped at Whole Foods and then ate in the movie theater. We saw Sex in the City. Now I have to say, while it made me teary at many parts - I was very unsatisfied with Mr. Big. That ending was not swell either….
I have to say, she’s lost 50 pounds in the last 8 months and she looks really good right now. She’s really trying to focus on losing weight. I had a sandwich, low fat chips and a sweet tea - she had a sugar free tea and cup of tomato basil soup. Yep, been there, done that - I just wanted what I wanted today and I don’t feel bad about it.
So it was a good day.
I didn’t make any progress on the house though….
Oh well.
Mental note : Do not attempt a round trip flight to Colorado in one day.
Left the house at 7:30am and did not get back to my car until 12:15pm. I got to visit San Diego and Phoenix along the way. The flight was delayed coming back so I had to fly into Oakland or else I was fucked because the ‘train’ doesn’t run after 12:30pm - parked my car at the station.
I was so fortunate because Harriet was kind enough to pick me up at the airport and drive me over to the train. I was fried and didn’t all asleep until 2am.
WHAT A DAY.
I saw the ex in Colorado - we went and had a burrito together. He would have wanted more time, poor thing is so lonely. Long Haul Truck driving is not a job if you want to make friends. It was sad as he dropped me off at the airport and I saw him still watching me as I walked through the double doors.
Choices -you know? I would have still been with him if he wouldn’t have fucked it all up. But now, there’s no turning back. I just hope he’s happy someday. He’s still with his girlfriend that he took up when we were married. She’s as dumb as a doornail and quite the opportunist. He still sends her money each month no matter how badly she treats him. Just desserts I suppose, he hasn’t been an angel either but after a while - enough is enough. That bitch - karma is a bitch honey so you really should stop.
Meanwhile, I’ve spent the day laying around. I managed to clean up the kitchen 
I watched Juno. Well let’s say I cried numerous times during Juno. Honestly - no teenager speaks like that - hate to break the fantasy bubble - but it was very cute.
Now I’ve got the Assassination of Jesse James in the ole DVD player. I didn’t even bother opening the shades today - I’m fine with it. Somedays you just want to be alone in the dark with the glow of the tv screen in the late afternoon.
I haven’t spoken to a soul either which is just wonderful. LA sent me a phone picture of her eyelashes that are quite long now due to that Revitalash application nightly. I just looked at it - knowing that I’d have to communicate how lovely they are… after all that would be the expected and most appropriate response. Now let me ask you - how vain can my buddy be? Yep, good ole LA who slathers herself from head to toe in baby oil to ensure her skin remains elastic and taut. Good luck I told her once - we all age babygirl. You can’t stop time.
I imagine at some point, ole LA will stretch her skin as tight as a drum to her skull in an attempt to look 25 at 45 and she’ll look quite interesting.
Goodness, such bitchiness on a cloudy day has got to be one of the most deadly sins.
My evil self thought - honey - wait until I lose some weight.
Hmmm. That requires effort.
Will do… will do.
Oh oh.
Peabo is on again…. now I have to stop this shit. It’s down right unhealthy. I can’t seem to get enough of that goddamn ‘Can you Stop the Rain’. I decided to not turn on the idiot box for noise tonight and my mellow songs include this one. Damn, makes you wish someone was singing about your ass like that.
DDS text today askin me if I got his e-mail. Guess that ass was wondering where the response was - damn. Right before my cleaning too. I txt him back - let him know I couldn’t make it to his gig tonight and apologized for not responding sooner. He wrote me back to have a good trip and ‘drop me a line’ when i got back. Fuck. Breakin’ up is so hard to do and honestly - it’s been 3 dates! I am a fucking bleeding heart. Having been dumped at least a zillion times in my life - I always feel horrible about having to do it. It’s so sad. But I don’t want to do this not calling people back or texting them shit anymore. I’m too old now. I actually need to come up with a good lie. ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ - No that shit super sucks because ultimately - it was YOUR ass or else y’all would still be hangin’ - you know?
Life can be cruel.
I’ll do it when I get back. Don’t want to leave anyone hanging… I do like his company but at the same time - if you don’t ‘clear’ your space - you’ll never invite someone else into it.
Meanwhile, I can’t wait till my insurance kicks in so I can find a goddamn therapist. I want to talk about my emotionality, my fragile shit, my temper, etc. Don’t you just love it - for a solid 45 minutes - it’s all about YOU. You can bitch, whine, cry and some poor fucker has to sit there and act interested. Hmmm, of course I feel like the analogy of jacking off (releasing pent up shit/emotions/bodily fluids (crying), being completely SELF ABSORBED and then walking out comes to mind. You’re busy manipulating yourself to divulge, not divulge, fabricate, avoid, feed your illusions or delusions - you know a mental jerk off - sometimes you come - sometimes you don’t.
I’m not expecting a miracle. I want to find someone who actually can help me sort through this shit, reframe, tweak and kick start a better sense of control within myself. Most of the time, I feel like I’m driven by emotion. I let them take a good hold of me and jerk me around. The prospect of leaving my HMO to do it was even more exciting. I’ll start looking within the next few weeks.
Man. Up at 6:30 tomorrow for Colorado. That should be fun - the round trip in one day excursion.
Feel me, I want to feel the fire - yeah.
Feel me.
I want to feel YOU.
Damn Peabo - you’re killing me.
Went to dinner with Wildchild and her Hubby tonight. It was cool. I hadn’t seen either one of them in a while. Wildchild not since May! I tipped heavily. I always do unless I get treated like shit. I remember waiting tables and what that felt like. Our waiter was a real cool guy - too bad he was married 
oooh - prince’s call my name is on…. LOVE THAT.
Man, wish I was in love….
