Living in the moment
I met up with Crazy today. We decided at the last minute to meet up for coffee. I was 20 minutes late getting dressed and wrestling with my hair which is clearly out of control. He looked like his picture and he was very serious. I felt playful and was comfortable enough as he reminded me that we have been speaking to each other over the phone for nearly a month. So we talked and then he wanted to go eat Vietnamese noodles. We went to a cheap dive restaurant that I knew of and ate noodles together. He’s alright looking but I swear it’s like listening to a Tony Robbins tape. He’s in sales and it’s so goddamn evident. Apparently he failed the bar like 5 times and decided to go into sales. He sounds like he’s doing very well, but he’s so full of ‘living in the moment’ and probably was not pleased that I had to remind him that I was repeating stories that we talked about on the phone. ‘It’s easier said than done, Crazy. A prime example is me repeating things we’ve already discussed. So you must agree with me that you’re still struggling with it.’ I said. He says, ‘Well Annie, I did not choose to be in the moment at that time.’ Ok, WTF? Anyways, he blew his nose at the table (he has a cold) and always wrinkles his brow whenever you’re speaking to him. It looks like he’s displeased with whatever you’re saying. I doubt we’ll ever speak to each other again. I think he takes himself way to seriously and those people who are so consumed by ‘living in the moment’ are actually the folks that are the most restless inside. They only think they’re more evolved than anyone else. It was an interesting experience, but it left me walking somberly to my car.
Will it ever happen for me? As I sat across from him looking into his eyes and feeling like I could like him but realizing that he’s a fucking nut job… I realize how hard it is to meet someone to love. How I long for someone sometimes, I want a family and everything that goes with it. It’s been elusive these past 4 years to find a boyfriend. My weight was a huge barrier and I am still 25 pounds away from my goal but I’ve managed to be ‘marketable’ again - to a limited population of course, but it’s better than what I had before at size 18. I am who I am - I can’t change my personality. My waist fluctuates up and down but I can say that it’s been last October since I managed to get down to 160 and I’ve only gained back 12 pounds. It’s a goddamn accomplishment.
In a lot of ways it makes me sad that I haven’t managed to find someone. It took me about 3 of those 4 years to get over my ex boyfriend completely. Now I’ve been dating for about a year and it never fails to disappoint me when I don’t meet someone I can truly dig.
Oh well. I guess it’s not going to be on ‘my time’ as they say but rather when the universe thinks I’m ready for it. Crazy said that ‘we’re where we need to be at this very moment in life, it’s the human condition that makes us want more and more’. I’m like, ‘Dude, if I ascribed to that very concept I would have never been driven to do more with my life. I’d still be behind a counter at a pharmacy counting pills and supporting my ex husband despite his atrocious behavior. It’s the wanting more in life that drives one to change one’s life.’ He shook his head and said I didn’t get it. No Dude, YOU obviously don’t get it. All that metaphysical shit talking did not save your marriage that lasted for ONE whole year 2 years ago (you were 40 by the way so being an embryo was no excuse) and you’re still out here hustling just like me to meet ’someone AMAZING.’ (He says this word a lot and talks about meeting someone AMAZING)
I have to be honest, I don’t expect an amazing life. Having grown up dirt poor, homeless at one point living in dad’s car, getting the shit beat out of me and fucked by everybody and my dad - I am content to have a life that has a few ‘AMAZING’ moments in it. Perhaps this is some horrible downtrodden victim mentality as construed by those who have never had struggles in their life other than deciding which luxury car would be better or whether wearing white past labor day would truly be a fashion faux paus; but this is my reality. I don’t live in a fantasy world - except to think that maybe someday I’ll meet someone who can cherish me until I’m scattered over the ocean and then cherish the thought of me. I’m a hustler and I will always be one. It’s what got me to this point and what’ll get me to the next goal in my life.
Tony Robbins is cool and everything but you have to realize that people who live literally by this script are some of the most damaged people in this world. I’ll take my mild mood swings, overdrawn checking account, gas from an overdose of fiber and my imperfect rarely ‘being in the moment’ ass over the need to be PERFECT any day of the week.
Dang, this must have really bothered me. Perhaps I’m feeling inadequate. As I was driving home, I thought to myself, ‘I bet he doesn’t care for me because I’m not your typical tiny Asian chick.’ Now honestly - who gives a fuck what he’s thinking. The guy is a bit whacked. It’d be like listening to a sales driven pitch on a daily basis. (I used to be in sales so all this, ‘live life to the fullest, get out there and do the impossible, it’s only hard if you think it is SHIT I learned when I used to sell vinyl siding over the telephone and that is your bottom feeding sales job - TELEMARKETING) Where is the reality in that?
I’m not saying live in shit - but I am saying that we’re all living an authentic life and we do the best we can on a daily basis. Not everyone needs fancy jargon and seminars to make it in this world.
Meanwhile, Y called me telling me he missed me and wondering when we would see each other again. I did ask him to go to a jazz thing this Thursday so I reminded him and he said that he wanted to go with me. Sex with him is terrific. Right now, sex with nearly anyone might be terrific. When I think of him, it’s sheer SEX. My heart is involved somewhat but it’s all about the ASS.
I guess I’ll keep hustling but I can’t help to wish that the UNIVERSE would throw me a goddamn bone.
Posted by anngirl on February 24th, 2008 under General| M | T | W | T | F | S | S |
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February 24th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
The Tony Robbins syndrome. I hate that asshole! My ex was so into him and anyone like him. They beat the mantra into their head that they must get rid of everyone who doesn’t think like them. Who can beside another twisted Tony Robbins Stepford-Wife freakin’ fan!
It’s not you Ann. Trust me. Men are wacked! They are looking for I am not sure what - I think they are all looking for a mommy to take care of them and make their lives perfect. They all want to crawl back into the uterus and suck their thumbs.
I am glad you are not your typical Asian chick. They are a strange bunch. I still cannot shake the image of climbing Diamond Head in my tennis shoes and having some Asian chicks slow me down because they had their 5 inch high heels on and were made up and dressed up within an inch of their lives. If I am going to sweat, I don’t put on makeup!
You will find. You will. You are open to it and that’s really what is important.
February 24th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
Oops, I had written a totally intelligent answer to your blog and poof it disappeared. So f*ck it. And f*ck crazy dude to. I hate Tony Robbins wanna bees. Just another name for loser.
Feel sad for Y thou, hard to be in love and lose, but he will be okay and in the meanwhile you and he should just have rockin sex and a great time.
Love you Annie girl you rock
xoxoxox
February 25th, 2008 at 12:21 am
LMAO at the AMAZING word. My neice is 15, a self proclaimed hippie (evidently hippies are cool again!) and she uses AMAZING constantly. Crazy sounds like he never matured past that! you are right, he doesn’t get it. I think it’s best to let that one glide right by you on his way to living in the moment. yeah, that is nice sometimes, but that’s not reality. you have to look ahead and have a vision. No wonder he failed the bar 5 times!!!
There is nothing wrong with enjoying the sex with him. Hell ride that puppy as long as it lasts…so to speak! LOL!
You will find yours Annie. Keep your head up. you are an AMAZING human being and deserve to find someone who will cherish you. You’ll find that. Hang in there!
Love YA!
February 25th, 2008 at 2:51 am
I agree with Lody.. ride it out if just for the sex. Sounds like its terrific!
Your perfect match will come along. Im sure of it.
February 25th, 2008 at 3:21 am
I want someone good and sane and aware of your worth to find you. You so deserve it.
I don’t want to comment on crazy. I don’t know Tony Robbins and not going to find out about him. But I get the drift. I don;’t undestand why people can’t see that “amazing” is hard work, “amazing” is a precious few moments. “amazing” is not routine like a cup of coffee for anyone. It is the rarity of it which makes it so wonderful.
A person is amazing when one can rise above her past, can be a sorted out person with awesome observation and dedication and loyalty and sense of humor. Someone who can’t see that after one month’s conversation with you, can sit on his thumb.
I can’t really say that you will get all you deserve in life. I want you to, but I don’t know if you would. But I know that whatever you get in life or wherever you are in life, you will not lose your awesome spirit.
To you,
iniya
February 25th, 2008 at 10:05 am
I heartily agree with you and all the other women here. It’s just plain weird when you meet someone sprouting all that happy clappy pop psychology stuff when clearly the person is a moron.
You’ve achieved a lot - and I think I know what you mean about not expecting an amazing life. Sometimes life is/was just brutal, and when you or anyone knows what the bottom of the barrel looks like and feels like - well it just gives you a very REAL perspective on life. You know what you need to do to pick yourself up, and how hard that can be, and you appreciate friendship and love and luxury when it’s there.