Three of Chalices
Today’s tarot:
‘The Three of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in celebration. I am not alone. I embrace the pleasure of the moment and share the beauty and joy of a common bond within my sisterhood. I am empowered by inclusion and my gift is spontaneous rapture.’
Yep, how apropos for today.
Let me first state that I had an interview today for another department within the Agency. It would be a caseload of Developmentally Delayed children as well as children who are being placed out of state with relatives/adoption.
PROS:No more removing children
No more front line DRAMA with clients
No more cold call visits to homes to remove children
Possibility of travel to other states for work
Something totally different than what I’m doing now
CONS:
No more ‘field time’ - I’m probably gonna be chained to the cubicle for 10 hours a day
Drop in pay by $250.00
Lengthy court reports
New boss
More paperwork than in my current debacle
Longer commute to work (20 minutes)
Gotta be to work at 8:00am (right now it’s pretty flexible cause I stay later)
Still Child Welfare! ;( Well, until I get my license that is…. oh well. I don’t know what decision I’ll make. I felt that the panel was very interested in me (trust me - born bullshitter) and that was good? Choices. Choices.
Ok, ready for this?
Stocky spent the night last night.
IT happened last night.
IT happened again this morning.
It was good.
Shit, it was really good.
This was despite the fact that I was unprepared (no shower, hairy as a yeti and void of a fantastic hotel room that I have been envisioning for this event - I had a 12 pack of condoms so there was no being unprepared there) and not able to completely get into the moment due to my own neuroses. But damn was it worth the 4 years that I’ve been celibate (well you can’t count that virgin I slept with in June because that was just fucking ludicrous). Can you imagine how good it would have been had i not been preoccupied with setting and external issues? It was a spur of the moment lust action - I was like FUCK IT - let’s just do it.
Of course my period is getting ready to start and I’m feeling emotional.
I’m feeling needy. But what am I feeling needy about? Sex is loaded no matter how I frame it. But it might just be the hormones…
DRAMA - one of the ladies at work - CRISIS - asks me to contact COP so she can get a police report from out of county for her current MESS. I tell her to call the station and she bursts into tears - this is a CRISIS! *Crisis was at that infamous dinner with Wild Child, her husband, me & COP back in March * I deleted that goddamn number but somehow my evil imagination has saved it in my brain and I take a chance by texting. Within the hour, I get THE call. I felt like a geeky freshman getting a call from the handsome quarterback on the high school football team. That incredibly perfect boy that you’ve been fantasizing about since school started - you know the one - his name is scrawled over every possible blank space in your notebook. The one that makes your heart hurt every time you look at him.
I felt flushed and almost veered into the adjacent lane. I let him know immediately that I was calling for CRISIS and he said that he remembered her and would try to help her out. Wow, did he sound good. He started in talking about himself (as he always does). At one point, he said he would like to talk in person. I remained quiet. Then I jokingly said, ‘Where have you been COP?’ He started in again with the recent purchase of the home in Texas, the family member who brought his 3 young children into the home and how it’s wearing out his Mother, the change of his reserve unit, his desire to try to change jobs to the fire department…. I jokingly asked if he was going through the ‘life change’ - he laughed heartily - ‘No, I just want to make some changes in my life to live it to the fullest.’ So 30 minutes later (all about him), we ended the phone call with me thanking him for helping CRISIS and saying, ‘Take care’.
My heart was pounding after I hung up. I felt breathless.
WTF? I could have seen that piece of shit (that is if he didn’t stand me up). I’ve only had a crush on that piece of shit since March!
But he called me right back! He wanted to see me in person! He texted me after a major holiday - he was thinking of me goddamit! (He txt me while I was in seattle the day after Thanksgiving wishing me a happy holiday - he said he was in tx with his mother to renovate his mini ‘mantion’.) Maybe he wants a relationship now? Maybe I was stupid? Maybe he’s making these profound decisions and he realized that I’m a really good person?
Maybe, maybe maybe….
I did the right thing.
I did not take him up on his offer. I maintained my cool even though I wanted to tell him how crazy I’ve been about him. About who I thought he was and how disappointed I was when he let me down. How I hated cops because they always give me moving violations until I met him. How even today I drove slowly in hopes to catch a glimpse of him on the street. How I’ve been bleeding for his inconsistent bullshit ass on a weekly basis. How I could have loved him like no one’s business….
I did the right thing.
But FUCK was it painful.
I was strong tonight and amazingly mature. As a woman driven primarily by emotions when it comes to my love life - I can say that THIS was pretty monumental. Shopaholic and LA were both very proud. LA was stunned and proud.
Perhaps turning 40 somehow knocked a little bit more sense in my head. No, I don’t think I’ll stop yearning for COP anytime soon, but I do recognize that there’s more to life than getting fucked over by a fine ass man. Shit, why it took till now to get this (well y’all, he’d better never call me again - because that was the equivalent to lifting a bus to save a newborn) is fucked up but still - I am glad it happened.
So that was today.
Me, illuminated by the glow of my laptop, sitting on this couch cradled in a clean diaper anxiously anticipating my monthly rite of passage, feeling uneasy because of the cramping, filled with a myriad of emotions from sadness to anger, belly full of forbidden foods having succumbed to cravings in the name of an impending flow…
I sit here bloated, yet quietly humble.
MY power today lies in celebration of my newfound ability to practice reason within the affairs of my fragile heart. I embrace the clarity of this moment and share the beauty and joy of a common bond within my sisterhood. I am empowered by my inclusion here with all of you on this magnificent blog site where we share our joys, sorrows and dreams. MY gift today is self-respect.
right the fuck on.
Smart boys are such a turn on - WHAT - YOU CAN DO COMPLEX MATH PROBLEMS IN YOUR SLEEP AND YOU LOVE SCIENCE? YOU LISTEN TO NPR READ AVIDLY, USE GREAT VOCAB WORDS THAT I’VE TOTALLY FORGOTTEN ABOUT AND ACTUALLY HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT CURRENT EVENTS? WHAT? You are so for me! Now if I could just meld that with a kind, generous, loving - family oriented spirit with sex appeal - I’m set! 
Gotta try though…..
