Life.
Life goes on. Even though I feel guilty about leaving last night’s sadness and emerging this morning bleary, exhausted, puffy eyes and aching heart, yet full of anxiety for the day ahead.
Life races on anyway. Sometimes with us kicking and screaming.
Time stops for no one.
Move it or lose it.
Excuse my foray into my trivial existence….
I type from my cubicle tonight. It’s 10:00pm and I just got back from a home visit. Let’s just say that I need to shower when I get home again. Gee, I just love this job.
I don’t know what to say except that things are still as nerve wracking as they’ve been for the last week. I thought about sleeping here… that’s how bad it is. I leave on Saturday morning at 4:15am to the airport via shuttle and honestly - I don’t think I’ll be sleeping at all the next few days. Let’s just hope I have time to fuckin pack.
I’ve been hittin the ’sauce’ again. You know, that clear, thick viscous shit that sends your tongue into seizure and your ass into massive proportions…. curds in HFCS. Yep, I found a tub in the fridge here at work that I bought a few days ago and neglected to throw out. Yeah. Life sucks - have some HFCS. That’ll cure all your ills. No need to call anyone though - I will not be purchasing any more of that crap. As I’m sure I will be acutely reminded of my poor judgement as I haul my fat ass up rocky hills next week.
In the meantime due to my dietary chaos, things are not moving as well as they need to be…. ‘nuf said.
Today’s crap food: Naked Juice Probiotic Smoothie (let’s not forget that promoting a healthy digestive & immune system requires not eating bullshit - but hell - maybe it overtook the egg salad?) coffee (three sips of a suga free carmel latte - mind you not due to any concerns about my diet - rather I got so busy it became 5pm still sittin on my desk and honestly I don’t want to miss my trip because of food poisoning), egg salad with Kettle Baked aged cheddar potato chips (1/2 bag - 2oz), two persimmons and a few organic grapes. Yep, not cool but shit - I’m in survival mode right now and I’m damn glad that it’s not a whole cheesecake.
Stocky sent me a text this morning ‘Good morning lovely lady’ and tonight. ‘Sleep good my friend’. Yep, maybe it’s that mercury shit (Ella) that’s contributing to me being mildly irritated by it…
So tomorrow in the midst of this chaos, I’m going to eat a quick dinner at the oyster joint (happy hour $1 per oyster) and then drive back to this hole to work. I’ll need a break by then.
I jumped on the scale this morning and I’ve only gained 2 pounds 164. Not cool, I know, but hell considering the bullshit I’ve been eating - not bad. I am assuming that when I get back - I’ll be at least 5 pounds down. Let’s hope.
I better get outta here - I’m gonna go straight to bed tonight after the shower. I need to haul ass in here hella early.
Life.
I guess we would be fucked if we weren’t resilient. One minute we can be so overcome with raw emotion and yet we manage to carry on while managing the pain. Sometimes we think we’ll never stop hurting and then one day… it moves from searing to smoldering and then to a white scar that forever marks our heart. It aches sometimes and sometimes it aches all the time.
I feel guilty for being able to put this aside…
I hope that baby knows that he/she was loved - even from afar. That her/his arrival was much anticipated and celebrated. His/Her’s neurotic, full of shit, insane Auntie imagined what joy that she/he would experience in the loving care of Long Beach (oh yeah, and boyfriend). If I got to choose a mother, it would be Long Beach. No offense to my Mother, whom I love dearly.
I hope he/she comes back soon and the world reverberates with his/her cry of joy at birth.
I hope Long Beach (& boyfriend) will be able to endure this loss and try again.
Life.
I keep coming and reading your blog regularly. But often don’t know what to say!
Again today, I don’t know what to say! Losing a baby is so terrible. But as you rightly said, life goes on and hope never dies. I know it sounds very callous and shallow. But it is true. Except for my papa’s death, I can sort of rationalize that all my other griefs have been learning experiences. again very callous.
Take care,
iniya
Okay. I came out a bit harshly towards the boyfriend. Sorry. I think I may have been an Amazon princess in a previous life or something - just have no patience with men who don’t full-out worship their mates.
I can barely see. It’s too early. I hate getting up in the dark.
I love the way you write; I’m just sorry you are so down right now. One thing a few years under our belt gives us is the knowledge (and patience) that the wheel WILL turn and we WILL feel better. Your life is so insanely busy that I don’t know how you keep a handle on it.
Will someone PLEASE explain to me what curds are??? Is this the stuff from the childrens thing…”eating her curds and whay????”…never knew what that was either.
BTW… if you are worried about food poisoning before the trip, are you sure oysters are a good choice??….I’m not sure why, but something is sticking in my brain, just out of reach–where most things are (!)–about oysters being a big risk for this….
If I don’t catch up w/you again b/f you leave—have a wonderful time on your trip!!!
((HUGS))
Hugs to you. I am sorry for your friend’s loss. It is always painful to lose someone, especially a baby. It makes us take a step back and look at our own mortality and leaves us raw and full of emotion. No, you are not too old and Holly Hunter is TOOOOOOO skinny. Looking at her makes me want to force a double cheese burger down her throat.
Have fun on your trip. Can’t wait to read how it went.