The little spirit has gone…
I got an e-mail today letting me know that my good friend, Long Beach lost her baby last week. It was so sad. I read and re-read that e-mail. I didn’t have time to cry over it because I was so busy, but I decided to put it aside until I could call her tonight. Finally on the way home at 9pm, I left her a message. It was so sad. You know she’s my sunshine girl who has been through so much this last year with her boyfriend (7 years) who wasn’t sure if he wanted to stay with her when he got a teaching job at UC Irvine. He finally decided that he wanted her for the long term - but not after putting her through the worst period of her life. It was so sad to see her - a positive girl - so incredibly depressed. I spent quite a bit of time with her. Now this… When she told me she was pregnant, I fell out and started crying. For a few days, the world looked different - full of hope and promise.
Now, I just hope that she (& her boyfriend) will recover and I can be of support to her.
Meanwhile, at work - one of my co-worker’s brother (cerebral palsy) died last week. He was on artificial support but he was home with 24 hour care. We talked about how she’s coping now that she’s come back to work. I wish the best for her as well.
I guess that’s life.
As I drove home tonight, I opened the window and let the cold air pierce my nostrils. I looked up at the dark sky and saw a glimmer of the stars. I thought about how Long Beach is younger than me and how your risk gets higher as you get older. I wondered if the adage, ‘It wasn’t meant to be’ could dare to be uttered to someone in mourning and be helpful - yet somehow today on that drive home, it managed to be of some comfort to me.
So tonight, my eyes sting from the deluge that sits behind them threatening to blur the screen…
yet work stress courses through my veins
pounds in my temples
But,
the world goes on.
blur
Posted by anngirl on October 24th, 2007 under General7 Responses to “The little spirit has gone…”
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October 24th, 2007 at 7:42 am
It’s hard to tell what will work to make someone in mourning feel a little comforted; people are sooooo different. Maybe just listen and take a cue from what she’s saying? Her bf. sounds like an ass, wonder if he’s being at all supportive?
I got pg. right after my dad died–within weeks–and so many made the “God doesn’t shut a door w/o opening a window” comment that I wanted to scream. I know they meant well, but it got old real fast and then I’d feel guilty for thinking that I just wanted my dad back. That’s a phrase I don’t like to this day! I did (later on) appreciate the fact that they were trying to help, though.
October 24th, 2007 at 9:21 am
Hey Anngirl, that’s some tough stuff (sorry, I have that gift for stating the obvious). Life does go on, it’s just that after a tragedy, especially if it’s your own personal tragedy, your senses are so raw, it is very painful to acknowledge. I do get what you mean about how that thought comforted you, though. You are a good friend, a good person and a good writer. Ruby
October 24th, 2007 at 10:39 am
I’m sorry about your friend. I lost a baby about 2 years ago and it was the worst time of my life. Just be there for her if she needs to listen. You are a good friend for caring so much.
October 24th, 2007 at 1:41 pm
Truthfully? Her BF sounds like a waste of time. I’m not usually so blunt, but this is you, not her, so I can say what I think, right? That poor, poor girl. After having to practically what…get down on her knees and BEG for him to want to be with her? I am a great believer in the universe often knowing better what we need than we do. Losing a baby is tragic and terrible, but there is a whole segment of the world population that believes we CHOOSE the circumstances that we are born into, and perhaps that little “spirit” instinctively knew that the time wasn’t right for your friend. My hope for her would be that she will find a man who didn’t have to be CONVINCED that he wants her - a man who believes that being with her is a privilege, not something he has to weigh in order to determine whether or not it’s in HIS best interests. NOBODY needs a man who feels so cock-sure of himself that he’ll keep you waiting while HE decides if he wants you or not! Oh, that just makes me SO mad! Poor, poor girl! Yes - just be there when she wants to talk, Anngirl, and maybe look in on her if she gets too quiet and uncommunicative, you know?
I know you’re a wonderful friend, and she sure is lucky to have you.
Hugs -
October 24th, 2007 at 6:01 pm
I’m so sorry to hear about your friend - I can’t even imagine what that must feel like.
I hope you’re not letting this affect your own desires. Leave me a comment if you are, I’ll send you some synchronicity-type stuff that made a lot of sense to me. *hugs*
October 25th, 2007 at 11:17 am
What helped me the most, to be honest, was time. Also, it helped to know that what I was feeling–anger, jealousy of other women having babies, utter helplessness–was not abnormal. There is not time to “get over it”. In fact, I don’t think I will ever be over it. It will always hurt.
Things she probably doesn’t want to hear:
It was probably for the best
You’re young, you can have other children.
There was probably something wrong with it.
You need to get over it.
I know that last one sounds insensitive, but I had at least 2 people say that to me, including my own DH. One more thing that helped me was this message board :Justmommies.com
It has a support forum for pregnancy loss. There are a lot of women there who rant and cry and support each other.
I don’t know if I answered your question well enough, but just be there for her if she wants to talk about it. I had a lot of friends who just didn’t contact me when they heard that I had a loss, or who just didn’t even acknowledge it. I didn’t want my baby to be forgotten like that.
I planted a tree to remember my little one by, and placed an angel statue by it. It was as close to a funeral that I knew the little guy would get.
Anyway, I’ve written a novel here, so let me stop. I’ll keep your friend in my thoughts.
October 28th, 2007 at 12:52 am
Losing a baby is so hard. I have been there. There is nothing that anyone can say or do to ease your pain. It just takes alot of time. You never forget, but your pain does ease a little as time goes on.