! trANNsformation BaBy !

Ok, so before I get into last night (ridiculous) - I have to say that I woke my ass up at 8:00am after goin to bed a 2am to make it to that GODDAMN ballet class. I found a great parking space and even managed to get in a few minutes early. I was tired as hell but worked it anyway. Man, that ballet crap is tough. I got adjusted by the teacher, she was basically sayin that you need to hold your arms a certain way - I felt like sayin, ‘Well maybe if you slowed down a little I could concentrate on synchronizing all my appendages! FUCK!’ But hell, I’m just tryin to get by, so I just made sure my arms were up the rest of the class. Man. It’s rough when you look up and realize you still have an hour to go!

I hit the gym next and did some cardio on the elliptical thing (45min) played with the weights for a little bit and jetted outta there. THen hit up the grocery store for some green things/protein/mushrooms/canned fish. Now I’m sippin a shake (I haven’t eaten since 8:00am and the grocery store felt like SHEER TORTURE) I’ll have a soup before I hit the shower. My friend called and we’re gonna go see Evening today. We’ll go to dinner afterwards - I think I might have some protein and veggies instead of the usual salad if its available. That would be nice - actually fish would be….

Ok, now about that party last night. Same crap but in a different setting - much nicer. Last time, I neglected to mention that I met this tall guy( 6′7 ) and the little chinese dude lured me away from him so I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye or get his number. It was screwed up because the little guy grabbed me as I was leaving the dance floor with the tall one. (Believe me - this never happens to me and I was quite shocked) Anyhoo, last night tall man was there and acting very cooly towards me. Of course, I still wanted to get to know him a little (I think he’s in his late 50’s) and told him some lame excuse about last time. So he spends the rest of the night eyeballing me and even came to sit near me at the end of the night - but I guess that old man pride got in the way. Oh well. His loss. Meanwhile, I met another little chinese dude who was 46 years old and has his own business (he used to be a stockbroker) and homeboy actually thought I was too young for him. (It’s all about lighting ladies - let’s just hope my shit holds up when I see him in the light) He was a real geek, but I managed to give him my number. But I wasn’t thrilled… yeah - I keep thinkin about that cop…. But one thing is solid - that was the absolute last one that I’m going to - mark my words. I had fun with my friend but the men are just not appealing. I know I’m an ole fat lady at 40 but shit - does that mean that I’ve gotta date my father?
I had fun dancing though - that was cool. I also wore a wrap dress that I wore last year for New Years and it fit a lot better. The shoes were fitting nicely too - not painful like before! So I was happy.

Shoot - it’s ON when I lose some more of my stuffin’ man. It was a nice confidence boost though to have some geezers tryin’ to game me. TRAGIC, but nice.

I called my brother to see how he was doin’ so hopefully he’ll call me….

I had a good day today I feel better about myself and man - it really makes a difference…

I spent the entire morning cleaning the entire kitchen. Why the sudden spell of domesticity? Well, I got a knock on the door last night at 11:30pm because one of my water gallon thingies was leaking on the floor and somehow it managed to drip down to the apartment below me. So I had to let this maintainence guy in to inspect my floor. That was not cool. My kitchen, while not dirty was definately in a state of disarray. My sink strainer piled high with dishes, my countertops full of condiments and my vitamins. The puddle of water on the floor barely touching the bags full of stuff that I bought last week’ but was too lazy to put away. Not a pretty sight. Needless to say, I felt humiliated. I grew up with a military father that would dump the contents of your entire room if you left a pencil on your desk. I grew to hate him for a myriad of extremely valid reasons but the 5:00am ‘pop’ inspections on the weekends were definately memorable. Who could forget sitting in an unsurmountable pile of your things with the mattress that was pulled off your bed, like a cherry on top. This would occur after the 1 hour screaming and yelling tirades which would never be complete without at least a few painful blows. Then you’d cry your way through the hours it would take to replace everything and you would still have to face that bastard for the rest of the day. Yes, some people should never have kids.

So oddly enough, last night when I had a ‘pop inspection’, I knew I wasn’t going to get hit or have my shit thrown all over the floor - but it still really messed with me. A man being able to intrude into your most private space without your consent triggers some old shit within me.

So I woke up at the crack of dawn and started cleaning. I’ve been very productive today - in fact I’ve even called to reschedule the physical therapy appointment that I had in order to get this done. Strangely enough, I feel like I don’t want to be caught in that vulnerable position again. I’m also quite pissed.

But hey, I’ll get over it. I always do - because one thing I am is resilient. But every now and then, somethin will trigger a memory…

My . is worse than ever today, lots of discomfort despite that alleve (lasts 12 hours shit). My food was decent - I actually fried up 2 cups (MF approved) of eggbeaters for my lunch today. Yuck. Takes all the joy outta eggs. But it was better than another shake so who am I to complain. I’m gonna finish out the day with 3 more things and then off to the stupid bachelor thing. I’ll improve my mood before then… but right now I will be stubborn and feed my anger for a while.

It’s now 2:41pm and somedays, the diet is the least difficult thing……

Yep, I’m feelin hungry - but I grit my teeth and made it through tonight. I’m gonna dance my ass off (like one of the Fly Girls on Living Color ‘member them? ) and then me and my diaper are goin to bed.

I have to go in and work this weekend so I’m not feelin so spiffy. I need to go back to the gym this weekend - maybe even tomorrow….

My brother is on day 2 of Nutrisystem and he’s doin’ great. He said he’s not hungry and has plenty of food to eat, even desserts so he’s psychologically feeling much better too. I’m so happy for him.

Wildchild wants to go to the Stanford Bachelors Event tomorrow night. She wants to bring her husband. You know I’ve been to this thing about 3 times now. The first time I met a super insecure big guy who just failed the BAR exam. He asked for my number then told me that he probably wouldn’t call because he’s embarrassed. No matter what I said, he was so jacked up. Poor guy. Then I found that most of the men that attend this thing are not Stanford graduates. The men that did are these old ass geezers who are still stuck in their 70’s garb tryin’ to look cool. So sad, you can tell that most of them have social skill issues. Sometimes there’s a spectacle of very tackily dressed Asian women (30’s to 40’s) that will parade in front of these old men in an effort to trap them. I am usually really grossed out and embarrassed by this (I’m half Korean), but hey - the ladies seem to think they can bag those old demented losers so more power to them. The music is usually really crap (80’s hits) and once these youngsters (20’s) walked in by mistake and they were literally grimacing at us old folks tryin to get it on! The last time I went I met the cutest Hong Kong playboy who was about 5′5 and he was so smitten with me. Then on our first date - I found out he was still married! They’ve never gotten a divorce and it’s been over 10 years. You know I was outta there like nobody’s business and I didn’t kiss that MF. What a freakin loser. WTF? To think I ditched an older 6′7 man for this punk. So I’m hopin he’ll be there maybe?

So I guess I’ll go for entertainment value… it’s down in Santa Clara. Wildchild is driving so I’m happy about that…. but what does one wear again?

Why did I agree to go?

DAMN.

(to the tune of Carly Simon’s Anticipation)….

Yep. It was a rough day today. Why -one wonders? Let’s see, I started . (nuf said), I procrastinated with my reports and only managed to get one done today. I have two more to write tomorrow and no one is on the rotation except me so I get the next Emergency call at work - I just got one on Monday that I’m writing a report for tomorrow! That really sucks. I have to stay at work until 7pm to deal with that disaster that broke me last week….. and finally ‘the cop’ surfaces again. (see paragraph labeled COP if interested - I also decided to italicize the entire juvenile mess so one could easily skip the bullshit)

Food was ok, ate 3 things by 2:30 and drank tea till I went home at 5:30. I get home and what do I find but one of my gallon water things is leaking. So that needs to be cleaned up which takes a lot of shifting things around when I’m starving. I manage to get down some Shirataki noodles with leftover sukiyaki stuff from a few nights ago. It was acceptable. Now I sit here sipping a shake. I’m skippin the last meal - I may have had too many veggies in my last meal. Wow. The restrictions are serious here folks…..

My brother started Nutrisystem today. I am so proud of him. He easily weighs 300 pounds. He called me twice and he’s feeling alright. I am very encouraging to him. I want my brother to be happy. So I’ve decided I’ll check in with him once a day to give him support.

.COP.
Ok, the cop. I’m only talkin about this because this is the closest I’ve come to the type of man that I want in my life. Mind you I’ve been on a draught for the past 3 years and 9 months. So proceed if you dare…. (yes, my business is back on the street, courtesy of me - yet again!)

I just had to share that story because it just doesn’t seem to go away. Wildchild got married in March. It’s now JUNE!

Ooops interruption…

The salesman just called - gotta give him credit… at least he calls! He wants to go out next week and continue calling me so that he ’stays on my radar’. Let’s hope there’s chemistry folks… or maybe let’s hope NOT since he doesn’t seem to have a stable job?

I’m not in a rush. I’ve been alone for nearly 4 years now. DAMN - that’s a long ass time….

Fuck it -

I’m just tryin to ‘do me’ right now