Well, my headache and other sickly symptoms were gone today though honestly I didn’t get very much done on any front.  I did, however, eat well and exercise.  I only started to feel sick when I got about 40 minutes into the Biggest Loser tonight- and that was pure disgust at the ridiculous, sexist bullshit going on with the black team.

Brief BL Rant: Why the fuck does Sam feel it’s his responsibility to ‘lead’ the team and why are the four women on his team allowing him to spew this condescending bullshit (’I don’t want you guys to feel like losers’ etc.)?  Why is Ali simpering to him about the added responsibility of being the only man on a team?  I feel like we’re flashing back to this antiquated, 1960’s sensibility- the Biggest Loser is not Mad Men, people!  Ladies aren’t just secretaries, sex-providers and dinner-cookers anymore.  There’s been no added pressure or responsibility on Sunshine, who is on a team with all dudes.  I mean, seriously, yuck.  This show sometimes gives me an icky vibe for other reasons, but this whole Sam taking charge of the team of women, with this stern-but-loving dad vibe is just grossing me out.  I find Sam an appealing competitor in every other way- he’s very affable and genuine-seeming and he’s young enough to not know better.  I’m just surprised that one of the women on the team hasn’t taken him aside to remind him that a vagina does not instantly disqualify someone for a leadership role.  Jeez.

In other fat-people-in-the-media news, I HATE the way the media discussion over Gabourey Sidibe is going.  Hate it, hate it, wouldn’t wanna date it, hate everything about it.  I hate the Howard Stern thing, the weight loss company ‘reaching out’ to her, the constant commentary on how spunky she is (with the omni-present undertone of ‘for a fat girl’).  It’s such a media-saturated climate, everyone in the public eye. . . well, their bodies and faces are so present in our lives, it’s almost like they’re public property.  This is especially true for women in the spotlight, whether it’s some shitstorm over Jessica Simpsons mom jeans or Oprah’s whole deal or the VISIBLY eating-disorder-plagued Renee Zellweger gaining weight for Bridget Jones.  ’Curvy’ is the euphemism of choice for any woman who doesn’t wear a size zero (and seriously, even my most petite, slender, avian friends do not wear a zero- that’s just insanely fucking small for anyone over 5 feet) and there’s all this bullshit talk about Jessica Alba and whomever other flavor of the month ‘accepting and learning to love their curves.’  It is complete garbage and really, what is any woman of a healthy weight supposed to think: well, if Jessica Alba (who for godsake is stunning and can’t be more than a buck ten) is ‘curvy’, then what does that make me?

It’s just a big, stupid joke and we’re all the punchline, the whole ethos around weight and sex appeal in the media.  So when this same media that publishes constant, shaming articles about J. Simp becoming positively rotund in a size 6 is suddenly confronted with AN ACTUAL FAT PERSON, you know it’s going to be fucked up.  And it really has been.  Every news outlet, bitchy blogger, and simpleton E News correspondent has license to comment on how happy she seems for a fat chick, how she’s ‘not the norm’ and ‘breaking the mold’ etc. and many of these same outlets ‘praising her’ (more like fetishizing her), in the same breath will express condescending ‘concern’ for her health.  Here’s what I think: her body is nobodies business.  She is clearly awesome and stoked on this turn of fortune (total unknown to huge star- awesome) and has been totally good natured about all the weight commentary.  She’s not embarrassed or ashamed of her body and nobody should be acting like this is some crazy miracle- a ‘normal’ fat person would be ashamed, so isn’t it quaint and fun that she isn’t?  Ugh, this whole thing has been rubbing me- an avid and usually cheerful consumer of pop culture- the wrong way ever since Precious (which truly is an great book and a good movie- I went to see Saphire read once when it came out and she was on tour, like ten years ago, and she BLEW MY MIND) was released.  She seems like a cool person you might actually want to hang out with (and clearly, she’s making some AMAZING new friends- lucky bitch) and is a legitimately incredible actress and she’s always dressed cute. She’s already got her next jobs line up and she’s been totally nailing it this whole awards season-this is a serious feat, even if the whole entertainment community wasn’t acting like she’s some kind of adorable space alien, and not just an overweight actress.  I really applaud the media outlets that have actually conducted interviews with her where they spoke honestly about weight, acting and whatever else she was inclined to talk about, and not just acted all coy about the subject and played up how ’surprisingly’ confident she is.  She IS breaking the mold and she IS different from most of what we see in the mainstream media and I should have figured that same media’s reaction to it was going to be really gross.  Anyhow, just needed to get that off my chest.  She’s awesome, even if she is stealing my fake celebrity bestie.

So sorry to unload all that negativity on everyone- I’m just having an outraged week and I’ve had a little more time than usual to stew about things that do not have a direct impact on my life (Gabby Sidibe, Biggest Loser sexism, Johnny Weir’s withdrawal from the world championships in Italy- oh, the humanity).  But whatever, a pretty good day.

Breakfast: 1 avocado, 1 slice toast (420 calories)

Lunch: leftover pasta, 2 cups, 600 calories

Dinner: bowl of tomato soup with 28 oyster crackers (330 calories), green salad with 7 large shrimp, 1 tomato, olives, red cabbage, radishes, fat free sesame vinaigrette (from Trader Joes, totally delicious) 300 calories

Total Calories: 1750

Exercise: 3 miles with the dogs, 1 hour stationary bike (15.5 miles)

1500 miles in 2010: 391.5

Song of the Day: Detects on My Affection, by Peter, Bjorn and John

Daily Awesome: Gabby Sidibe on The Soup- fast forward to the last minute of this video to get the hilarity, the fist bump just kills.  She’s also funny here (’what’s it do?’).

I had a good food day today, but not great exercise- partly because I had a splitting headache, like, ALL DAY.  I got going on my 30 day shred video this morning after walking the dogs and I couldn’t stand the jumping, twisting and carrying on- I felt like my brain was bouncing off the back of my skull.  Hating to disappoint Jillian, I pressed onward until nearly the end, but pretty much phoned it in and then did a listless 7 miles on the stationary bike.  I did not get very much done today and I am stressed beyond stressed about money, but I’m feeling better.  I was all worked up to write a long post about either a. how enraged I am about this whole Gabourey Sidibe thing (by ‘whole thing’, I mean that because she’s a fat woman with a confidence and sex appeal, the media is WIGGING THE FUCK OUT in a really offensive way.  And also, how because she’s a large woman, every bitchy Gawker reporter and weight loss Nazi feels they have license to comment at will about her body- but more on this tomorrow) or b. how I’m just not into the Biggest Loser this season.  I’m going to have a writing\errands day tomorrow- have to renew my tabs, return some stuff to Target etc.  I’m kind of enjoying this lady-of-leisure business, if only for the week (and after this week: MEXICO!!!  And don’t think I won’t smugly post pictures of my fabulous vacation, because I will).  I hope I feel better tomorrow- it’s possible I had a headache from all the cleaning fluids that were being sprayed around all day yesterday, but not likely given that I use, for the most part, non-toxic, hippie-approved nonsense like borax and vinegar.  Oh well, I have a huge mug of peppermint tea and a brand new episode of Be Good, Johnny Weir (I can barely, barely restrain myself from shrieking wildly, Beatles-girl style every Monday night when I download the new show from ITunes, so great is my adoration).  I finished the Francine Prose book (meh), and somehow ended up with yet another book that I’m not super into (The Year of Pleasures, by Elizabeth Berg).  I’m 0 for 3 this week with reading material, so I’m going to have to choose more thoughtfully on the next one.

Breakfast: 2 roma tomatoes, wheat toast with avocado-280 calories

Lunch: 1.5 cups pasta with red sauce and 1 italian sausage, 450 calories

Dinner: Shrimp Cocktail, with tomato juice, jalapenos, fresh tomatoes, 6 large shrimp, diced red onions, 2 corn tortillas- 500 calories or therabouts.

Calorie total: 1230

Exercise: Well, you know the story.  3 miles with dogs, 7 miles stationary bike, aborted 30 Day Shred Level 2

1500 Miles in 2010: 373

Song Of The Day: Telephone, by Lady Gaga (don’t judge, it’s totally stuck in my head)

Daily awesome: the Telephone video, which, I definitely admit, is not for everybody (and is also borderline NSFW).  This thing is such a crazy mess- product placement! beyonce’s boobs! murder! lesbians! Tyrese Gibson! sandwiches!- but I kind of love it.

Well, I felt much better today.  It still took me awhile to get out of bed and I am still a little rattled, but I’m going to enjoy this week off: today I cleaned the whole house (almost), made myself a necklace, worked out, ate decently and worked on my book for two hours.  Very productive and I feel almost back to my regular self again.  I’m leaving for Mexico in ten days and I’m feeling okay about still being fat while I’m there.  I think I’ve lost some weight since the beginning of March, after my big fat goose egg in February (my bad), but I haven’t been to Noah’s recently to weigh myself.  I just want to cruise through the summer- maybe seven or eight pounds per month should put me on track to be where I want to be by the end of the year.  If I focus, I can make it happen, I just have to stay on track.  I’m not starting up the food detailing again until tomorrow, but today I ate a bagel and cream cheese for breakfast, a mango and avocado salad for lunch and a big bowl of pasta with red sauce for dinner.  Bad me, but back to rabbit food tomorrow.  Also, I did an hour on the stationary bike today (15 miles) and walked the dogs (3 miles), so hopefully that will minimize any damage done this weekend.  Next week is going to be active and fun: my aunt Meg is coming to stay with me and I love her, also my brother comes home next Saturday and I’m having a little dinner party on Sunday and I’m going to dinner and the ballet with Katya on Weds.  I’m also going to get packed, work out five out of seven days, eat well and work hard on my book and the new story I started today.  But right now, I plan to watch an episode of Hoarders, read a couple chapters of my book (A Changed Man, by Francine Prose- not her best) and hopefully fall into a sound sleep.  Good night!

Miles: 363

I was totally at loose ends today.  I slept almost all day, read a book, watched an obscene amount of television, ate complete garbage, did not work out and was generally useless and depressed.  I’m giving myself the weekend to wallow in my professional despair, hopefully with minimal dietary straying and regular workouts, and then on monday, it’s get my self up, dust myself off time.  But, oy vey, am I bummed out.  I feel like I could sleep for a thousand years.  I think everything going on with work and the fallout from all the emotional family stuff is just now catching up with me.  Not even watching (and re-watching) episodes of the Johnny Weir reality show is cheering me up-and that ALWAYS cheers me up- and I couldn’t write or do ANYTHING productive today.  Ugh, seriously, I just feel like I don’t know my ass from a hole in the ground.  I want to at least get some work on the book done tomorrow and a hard workout- those are my (very manageable) goals.  Anything else positive will just be gravy.

Today, I went to the movies in the middle of the day, ate tomato soup with oyster crackers basically all day and tried to cope with the absolutely devastating news I got at work yesterday.  Noah and I found out that a major credit card company yesterday changed their regulations regarding convenience fees; this comes DAYS before our site and our service (based on convenience fee credit card processing for non-profit organizations) goes public.  We’ve lost seven months of work, thousands of hours, not to mention the money we’ve sunk into the site, to get it adequately programmed to perform the service we offer.  This is, quite literally, the WORST thing that could have happened.  We have to start basically from scratch- our work with the company providing the process has allowed us to get a good deal on rates that will allow us to be competitive in the market, but still, I am deeply, deeply frustrated and disappointed.  We’ve been working pretty much tirelessly on the fucking thing for the better part of a year and now, with a fell swoop from Mastercard, our upstart company and service are rendered useless from one day to the next.  It’s bullshit.  Why is this month so horrible?

So, anyhow, I’m horribly upset and trying to reframe my thinking around the whole thing.  On the upside, I have three weeks off work (one of which I am spending in Mexico).  Noah and I will be launching our dramatically revamped site the first week of April, and until then, I’ll be taking excellent care of my body, working on my book, relaxing and putting things in order.  So, Alice in Wonderland in the middle of the day today, with Evelyn and Alicia.  Can I just bitch, for a minute, about childless adults who like to see childrens movies?  I love Evie and Alicia, but when they asked me to the movies, I assumed we’d be seeing something great; it’s awards season and there are, like, five or six movies I’m excited to see in the theater (An Education, Shutter Island, The Crazies, Creation, Crazy Heart etc.), but no!  Neither of them like ‘intense’ movies (I can totally understand people not sharing my proclivity for horror movies, but come on) and the only thing we could even moderately agree on was Alice In Wonderland, which I thought was pretty much boring (except for a very good first 20 minutes) and standard (I like my Tim Burton far more perverse than that).  I don’t need to see something heavy or arty or film studenty every time, I love a trashy blockbuster as much as the next gal, but for Pete’s sake, why on earth would you see something made for kids when there is a broad range of interesting, adult movies out in the theaters?  All right, bitch session over.

I didn’t keep very good track of what I ate today (well, I did, kind of, but I don’t really feel like writing it down), but it wasn’t so bad.  Tomato soup and quinoa, that sort of thing.

Exercise: 1 hour stationary bike (15 miles) + 8 from yesterday

1500 miles in 2010: 345

Well, I’m back from the intense week in Yakima.  I don’t really have the energy to write about it tonight, but will do so later this week.  Chance and I went to see Michael Chabon speak tonight (his presentation was all about Poe and his writerly influence- very, very good, much better than the arrogant, free-form nonsense he was spouting on his last book tour, but, who am I kidding, I totally heart him either way. . . ), then played many games of scrabble (I’m undefeated, btw) and ate a few more snacks than I would have liked.  A good night, but I feel insanely tired.  Tomorrow, Kathy is coming up for a few hours in the evening and I have a ton of work to do.  I’m glad to be settling into a normal routine, at least for a couple of weeks.

Breakfast: mango (200 calories)

Lunch: quinoa with capers, tomatoes, feta, fresh basil (300 calories)

Dinner: 6 oz seared tuna with green salad, 3 slices pineapple (600 calories ish)

Snacks: 2 servings crackers from trader joes (300 calories), 1\2 avocado, 1 ounce brie, 1\4 cup dried cranberries (290 calories)

Calorie total: 1690

Exercise: 3 miles with the dogs, 30 day shred, 30 minutes stationary bike (8 miles)

1500 miles in 2010: 322

song of the day: Black Cab, by Jens Lekkman

Daily awesome:  Oscar fugs.  Also, I am totally stoked that Kathryn Bigelow won for her expertly crafted, compelling and sophisticated movie and James Cameron wasn’t rewarded for his boring, hypocritical, imperialist, racist piece of shit cartoon.  Yay, Oscars!

I’m in Yakima.  The family is totally mobilized, setting up the service on Saturday and Mark’s wife and kids are totally dazed and grief-stricken.  It is just horrible.  I’m so tired but I know I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight, but I also can’t think.  My dad, who I have NEVER seen shed a tear (not that he’s such a stoic person or anything, he just has a very measured approach to life, even when things are rough), looks like he’s on the verge of nervous collapse.  My grandmother is comatose; the most famous lexical gap in the English language is this: we have a word for children who have lost parents (orphan), but no specific word for a parent who’s lost a child.

I was over at Mark’s house all night, cleaning, fixing plates of food, spending time with Alex, his daughter and my cousin, who was in desperate need of some comic relief (moi).  We told stupid pet stories and walked the dog and talked a little about her dad.  All the adults but me got super drunk.  It’s all so heartbreaking.

The good news: I did not overeat today and I exercised this morning before I left Seattle.  Unfortunately, the food at hand was funeral food, sitting-shiva food, lasagnes and pots of bouillebaisse and pasta salads and clam chowders and meat pies and the like.  I had two modest portions of lasagne (one for lunch, one for dinner), a helping of green salad, two chocolate chip cookies and lots of water.  I’m really fighting the urge to eat something desserty and in a large quantity right now- everyone is asleep in my parents house, I’m the only one awake, and I could safely binge without feeling shame or anything at all.  I think this is a problem with my whole thing around food: whenever I feel bad, emotionally, my knee jerk reaction is to make my insides match my outside by filling them up with all manner of trash.  I don’t want to do that anymore, and especially not right now. This weekend, my eating WILL be positive, energy-giving and not completely motivated by negative pathology.  I am also going to work out tomorrow at, like, 6 am so I can be energized for the INSANELY long day I have ahead.  G’night, all.

Noah and I worked ALL day today and STILL didn’t get but half of our necessary tasks completed.  We spent a ton of time working on a website for my uncle, where people can go to view pictures, send comments to my aunt and his family, and donate to help with college funds and memorial costs.  I’m half-dreading and half-relieved to be going to Yakima tomorrow; apparently it’s completely in shambles over there.  Everyone is rightly devastated.  Dying at 57. . . it’s just too young.  I felt bad about Noah having to work on the site with me, especially because he just had to go through all this arrangement-making stuff when his mom died.  I’m feeling pretty deeply fatigued and it’s only going to get worse.  Mexico, I hear your siren song and I’m coming to you.

Good day today, though, as far as dieting goes.

Breakfast: apple

Lunch: This was a crazy thing.  I ate a seaweed salad, which comes in a package that I get at the asian market all the time.  It’s one of my favorite foods.  However, this time around, the oil or something must have been rancid because I ate the damn thing and then BAM, I was puking my guts out.  It was crazy.  I was TOTALLY fine afterward, just went on with my day.  So lunch was: 2 servings tomato soup (200 calories), 3 servings oyster crackers (200 calories), 14 low fat tortilla chips (120 calories) with salsa (20 calories) and some carrots with hummus (100 calories)

Dinner: Big salad with grape tomatoes, butter lettuce and raddichio, with a seared tuna steak (which I badly overcooked), green beans with black gomashio, sesame oil and soy sauce and edamame.  400 calories

Desert (doh!): 1\3 of a container of fat free Cool Whip (about 175 calories)

Calorie Total: 1215

Exercise: No

1500 miles in 2010: 311

Song of the Day: Many Rivers to Cross, by Jimmy Cliff

Daily awesome: I’m honestly drawing a blank today, I’m too tired to pull something out of the hat today and I didn’t tool aimlessly around the web today at all (all work and no play makes AJ a dull girl, I’m telling you what!), except my endless arsenal of Johnny Weir awesomeness, which I will air further at a later date.  But I do hope everyone is having an awesome day!

Rough day today; my favorite uncle died unexpectedly this morning.  The whole family is gathering in Yakima and it’s total chaos.  He has two kids a few years younger than me and was a really wonderful, funny, empathetic, weird, and fascinating person.  Everyone is totally devastated.  I’m worried my family is falling into some sort of cursed period of time: this year alone two of my uncles diagnosed with cancer, one Grandma with Alzheimers, the other with pancreatic cancer which will kill her in six months (or possibly sooner, now that she’s suddenly lost a son), also the family business is in ruins, my own parents are on the verge of bankruptcy because of it and now this. . . I’m feeling lonely and upset and really wishing I had a husband or boyfriend right now to do some shoulder-crying with.  Additionally crazy is that we are moving all our office equipment into my house for the month, tomorrow, because Noah is leaving for the full month, to Mexico, and I don’t want to have to drive to Olympia (an hour away) when I need to use the office computer.  This period of hecticness in my life is going to be prolonged, so it seems, for a little longer.  This week, I just want to be sure I get in killer workouts and eat minimally and well.  That’s my only goal, aside from helping my family get through this horrible clusterfuck of a year. RIP, Uncle Mark.

Breakfast: 1 mango, 1 slice rye toast with a poached egg (400 calories)

Lunch : 1 cup quinoa from last night (280 calories)

Dinner: not really, but I ate 2 string cheeses and a mango (they’ve been on sale lately and they’re my favorite) 380 calories

Calorie total: 1060

Exercise: 1 hour stationary bike (15 miles)

1500 miles in 2010: 311

Song of the Day: After It All, by Cat Power

Daily awesome: My streak of Johnny Weir-themed daily awesomes continues: the Vanity Fair Faces of The Olympics outtakes.  I know, it’s a lot of awesomeness to take in and maybe a Weir break might be needed soon, but I swear I am still outraged about his Olympic placing and also, cmon, is there any more lovable, ridiculous, or titillating celebrity out there right now or any human being more stone cold foxy, albeit in a preposterous way.  I think not.

Still continuing our craziness at work.  I just got home last night from Oroville, where we spent a very pleasant weekend, celebrating Noah’s birthday.  It was all very relaxed but there’s been some stress lately, as he and Chance want to move to Berkeley in October and I don’t, really, and the whole fate of the business is up in the air, with our recent sites launch and all the work we’ve been putting in.  We’re ready to see some serious financial returns for all the hard work and time we’ve been putting into the business, but these things are slowgoing.  I’m so sick of being broke.

I’m also SO sick of being fat.  It’s quite literally killing me.  I’ve done 33 miles on the bike and on foot in the past ten days; that’s two times on the stationary bike and intermittent walks on foot.  It’s not enough.  But I’m once again feeling resigned to this healthy eating\crazy exercise\ lifestyle program.  I have to keep on; life shouldn’t be this hard and a major element of distress in my everyday life is my size.  I so, so, so want to eliminate that problem once and for all.  We’re leaving for Mexico in three weeks and I couldn’t be more excited; can’t wait to recharge my batteries and I haven’t even SEEN the ocean in so freaking long.  I’m feeling super lonely for a boyfriend these days and there are no reasonable prospects on the horizon.  Everything feels difficult, like I’m trying to move through molasses.  Ugh.

Breakfast: 1 mango, 1 string cheese (300 calories)

Lunch: 1 piece toast with almond butter (200 calories)

Dinner: 2 cooked cups of quinoa with chopped tomatoes, olives and feta (550 calories)

Calorie total: 1050

Exercise: 3 miles with dogs, 40 minutes stationary bike 11 miles, 30 day shred

1500 miles in 2010: 296

Song of the Day: Mr. Officer, by Citizen Cope

Daily Awesome: More Johnny Weir.  This time, a theme party.