Holy shit, I seriously almost died today in my car, which is a tiny black Civic without air conditioning, driving to Yakima.  I had to drop Lucy off at the kennel she usually goes to, which is up near Seattle, but then we got stuck in SERIOUS traffic and it was 104 degrees and I’m a Northwest girl and they’re Northwest dogs, we are wusses about the heat, and honestly, I was scared for their lives.  At the kennel, they let me give Klaus a quick, cold bath to cool him off because I thought he was about to perish from heatstroke or some such sun-related illness.  The traffic on 1-5 took for-fucking-ever to get through and turned out to be because of a fire (!!) that burnt down a patch of the divider between N and S lanes of the freeway up near Kent.  Crazy.

So, I was quite grumpy, but then arrived at my mothers house and she had prepared an incredible feast of a dinner, incorporating all my favorite edible aspects of summers here.  It was amazing.  We leave tomorrow morning for Montana.

Breakfast: english muffin with sliced turkey, 1 slice gouda, light mayo, sprouts

Lunch: no

Dinner: oh my god, what DIDN’T I have for dinner, but it was mostly healthy.  Green bean salad with tomatoes, basil, onions, olive oil, vinagar, herbs.  Potatoes with feta cheese, chives and more herbs from Moms garden.  An ear of corn (half of which I burned badly on the grill- my one dinner task, to prepare the corn, went horribly awry).  3 slices pork roast (whoops).  Delicious.

Also, weirdly, I drank a regular soda today.  I am the sort that NEVER allows an ounce of non-diet soda to pass her lips.  It’s like the sugary stuff doesn’t exist for me, usually- give me Nutrasweet or give me death!  I love the diet pepsi etc.  But I was all sweated out and fatigued after driving for six goddamn hours and I drank a cold root beer I bought at a gas station and I swear, you guys, it was like manna from heaven.

Exercise: 1 mile with dogs

1000 miles in 2009: 529.5 (I need to get to work on this thing- more stationary bike upon my return!!)

Song of the Day: Anti Love Song, by Betty Davis

Daily awesome: Because of my anxiety of leaving my dogs for the weekend (Lucy at the kennel and Klaus in Yakima with my dad), I give you the greatest collection of pet halloween costumes I have ever seen.  Appreciate, in particular, the chef and lobster-in-a-pot and the collection of fast foods.

It was nearly 100 degrees today- my house is still a broiling, sweating, dog-panting inferno, there’s no ventilation here.  Yesterday was great and busy- Noah and I went to hang at Kathy’s pool all day (where Kathy was not killed, but was badly, badly burned!), then went up to Seattle to see Holly’s reading, which was, in all honesty, the kind of preposterous, avant-garde poetry situation that just about makes a literary traditionalist like myself want to get a frontal lobotomy.  Love Holly, though, of course and am proud of her for putting herself out there, even if we disagree in terms of artistic tastes.

Today was pretty good- it was basically too fucking hot to eat until now and I’m eating some wheat pasta and trying not to forehead-sweat too much into it.  I have to get rolling on my contract but I was so hot today I could barely think.  Kathy and I went shopping, I watched the newest True Blood at her place while she was at a doctors appointment and we talked a lot about boys and heartbreak.  I worked in the morning and finalized an important project for us, also.  So, a good day.

Breakfast: mango, 1 cup yogurt

Lunch: no

Dinner: right now, 1 cup wheat pasta with tomatoes, olive oil, garlic, basil, parmesean

1 cup iced coffee with soy milk and splenda

Exercise: 30 minutes stationary bike, 8.5  miles

1000 miles in 2009: 528.5

Song of the day: Night Time is The Right Time, by Ray Charles

Daily awesome: Go Fug Yourself!

So, for the past month, almost, I’ve been basically unable to complete basic creative tasks such as blog-keeping, art-project-doing, writing-for-fun and delicious-meal-cooking.  I’ve been feeling like my creative well was completely dry.  I was so worked up by the time school ended (9 quarters in a row- holla!) that I just felt like I couldn’t get enough rest and relaxation.  Unfortunately, this blog and many other things fell by the wayside.  I’ve also been seeing that boy, David, which is ever so distracting, even though I know he doesn’t really have long term potential.  I’m trying to enjoy as many relaxing activities (sex, television, hiking, movie-going, etc.), that don’t require any creative spark, so I can recollect my energy and figure out what the hell I’m going to do with myself now.

All this has also had not much of a favorable impact on my diet.  I’ve been holding steady, though with the last couple weeks (2 trips to the cabin, threw a baby shower for my sister), it’s been difficult.  But, I’m ready to suck it up and try to get back into writing regularly and dieting again.  Next week I’m going on a hiking trip with my mother and uncle in Glacier, which will be beautiful and hot as hell’s fire this time of year.  I’ve got a bad cold right now, so am taking the day off tomorrow, but I’ve been pretty faithful in general about exercising.

I also decided that this summer is when the whole chubby-shame thing ends:  I realized that, until recently, I hadn’t gone swimming in years, that my legs hadn’t seen the sunshine, just how much my body has been affecting my happiness during this time of year.  I’ve always clearly registered low-level, free-floating anxiety during the summers, but it’s much less painful to blame it on something other than what it truly is: I’m really ashamed of my body.  So anyways, this summer, I’m just saying fuck it; I’ve been swimming, even worn dresses a couple of times, I have a nice tan.  It’s so much easier to just let it go (at least, after that first time I ran into the water in my running shorts and sports bra), even though I’m sure if I saw a picture of myself I would be utterly overcome with morbid shame.  The casual sex relationship with David is also helping my body confidence.  All these things are good: I’m considering them to be practice.  It’s like I’m testing out all the things I used to love to do, checking to see if I still love them (yep!), getting ready for when I can really feel like myself again in the outdoors (once I have a normal BMI).  I used to be obsessed with moving to Austin, Texas, because it’s my favorite city in the United States, but I let that fade away as I got heavier- gosh, no, I couldn’t possibly live in hot weather, too much tank-top and sundress weather.  Anyhow, as I am truly losing this weight (which has been admittedly slow, but, still, happening this month), I’m trying to write down, as I remember them, facets of my life that have been unconsciously affected by my weight:  Moving out of the gloomy Northwest.  Going traveling extensively again.  Wearing heels (this I definitely do anyway, but I always know my fat little feet are going to be in serious hurt at the end of the night).  Swimming. Fucking.  Going to the doctor when I need to (don’t like to be weighed).  Tank tops.  There are many more things on this list, that I’m sure will grow as I remember more and more, as I shrink back to my healthy size, but presently, I’m trying to get a jump on the items that can be addressed NOW.

Today is officially three months from my 29th birthday (yeeouch!).  As an early birthday present, I’m purchasing a pair of adorable red cowboy boots that don’t quite fit me (too small around the calves) and are obscenely expensive.  I’m not a big fan of racking up fantasy items that you can’t wear on the day you buy them, ‘incentive outfits’ or whatever, but in this case, I’m doing it to affirm my ongoing confidence in myself, that I know I’ll be into those suckers in three months.  I’m into a size 20, and I should be into a 16 or 18 by my birthday.  I’m nearly 40 pounds down since February and I’m rested and ready to jump back in.  I’m going to wrap those boots up and give them to myself on my birthday and they’re going to fit, goddammit.  Onward and upward, my friends! Hope everyone is well and having a fabulous, beautiful, diet-friendly summer.

Breakfast: wheat english muffin with dijon mustard, 1 tomato and 2 slices smoked turkey

Lunch: no

Dinner: subway sandwich, chicken breast, mustard, all usual veggies, dijon, honey mustard, vinager

Exercise: 3 miles with dogs, 30 minutes stationary bike (8 miles)

1000 miles in 2009: 520 (damn, I wish I’d been keeping track of mileage the past month)

Song of the day: The King of Carrot Flowers, Pt. 1

Daily awesome: So, this was on Digg already, so everyones probably seen it, but still. . . amazing, just amazing.

I have finally returned from Yakima (definition: a horrible ‘city’ 4 hours east of where I live, where every member of my immediate family now lives) and am recouping with a couple episodes of 30 Rock, six chapters of the book I’m reading (just for fun!! hah, suck it, school!), a bigass bottle of club soda and some dried mango.  I actually consider my visit to be an almost complete success: I saw all the family members I owed a visit to, helped out at the Seasons, threw my dad an early Father’s Day dinner, exercised 4 out of the 5 days I was gone, had NOT A ONE bad food episode (excepting a cup of frozen yogurt or two) and managed to get at least 5 hours of sleep every night I was there (which is quite a bit, considering I’m usually too anxious at my parents house to get more then 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep).  The hike with my sister was beautiful and a veritable paradise for my dogs, who have been sleeping for nearly 30 hours.  Every day, they swam in the lake my parents live on, ran around in the gigantic adjacent field, and generally had a blast.  My sister is looking extremely pregnant and her and Sandro seem to be in a fairly pleasant holding pattern, though the whole thing is a complete nightmare.  

I’m feeling pretty great right now; I’m back to having diet momentum!  Also, when I got home today, I called David, who I was seeing casually a couple months back.  We never actually did the deed, but we fooled around a whole lot.  He was pretty square and boring, but a nice guy, with a good job and a quality sense of humor.  Hot, too.  Anyhoo, I have been struggling with the sex thing for this entire year, since Jason moved away.  It’s been almost a year since I actually had sex with someone and I think I’ve been making too big a deal of it, wanting it all to be exactly as I plan it and with some wonderful, perfect, hilarious and weird guy that materialized out of nowhere, with no body anxieties or obsessive attachment on my part.  But, I’m over that now- when you stop getting laid for awhile, you forget how important it is.  In any case, my point is that I’m going to go for it with David.  I know he cares about me and we pass time together pretty easily.  I don’t want anything serious, but I’m freaking lonely.  I need some physical contact.  This has been the longest dry spell ever in my adult life.  I keep thinking that if I start having casual sex with someone, I’ll get all crazy like I used to when I was drinking.  Up until now, the risk has felt too scary to take, but it’s spring, I’m spending about 2 hours a day sexually fantasizing about my True Blood crush (ah, Sam), it’s been nearly a year since I knocked boots with anyone and I’m getting back in better shape.  It’s time; I’m going for it.  David’s into it, so we made dinner plans for Monday night and we’ll see what happens after that.  Noah’s promised me he’ll keep an eye on the situation; if I start getting overly attached to the whole thing, he’ll give me the heads up.  I’m a big compartmentalizer when it comes to my sex life, anyways, so I think it’ll come in handy for a sex-friendship.  I’m going for it; I’m sick of holding myself back from things that I want because of who I used to be (a crazy bar whore and someone who slept with the same complete douchebag for three years when I first moved to Olympia, even though I never liked his personality).  I’m a grown woman, I’m in control of myself, I can take control of my own physical needs as well.  I’m sick of living within my comfort zone.  

Also, I’m super excited to really kill it this summer.  I’m getting skinnier, I can tell.  It all seems like a drop in the bucket still, but it’s getting more and more obvious each day that I’m getting back in shape.  I’m sick of dragging my own fat ass around and it feels good to be back to doing something about it.  

Breakfast: no

Lunch: sushi restaurant, Chirashi don buri- sashimi over rice with raw veggies, miso soup, 2\3 sushi roll with avocado, tempura shrimp, crab

Dinner: 6 slices dried mango, 1 sandwich with 2 slices olive bread, sliced chicken breast, 2 slices swiss cheese, 2 servings tortilla chips with chipotle salsa

Snack: 10 wheat thins, about 2 ounces brie (shit!)

Exercise: not today

1000 miles in 2009: 508.5

Song of the Day: It Hurt So Bad, by Susan Tedeschi

Daily awesome: Stop motion video, yay!

I’m still in yakima, been busy with family stuff.  I’ve actually managed to eat responsibly, exercise and not go completely berserk.  It’s a very weird thing to arrive and check out the whole family scene and realize that I am possibly the least unhappy member of the group.  Things are pretty rough for everyone over here lately; when i come here, I lose momentum and focus, because there’s just so much mayhem.  I’m going for a hike with my sister today, doing laundry, trying to get my shit together.  I’ll probably write later, to actually write up my food\exercise details.  I need to start keeping better track of my mileage if I’m going to make it to 1000 by years end. 

Yeesh, I am in Yakima for the weekend and it is hotter than hells very fire over here!  They were doing a ‘Yakima’s Got Talent’ Show Friday night, so that was a blast of instant mayhem, as soon as I arrived at The Seasons, the performance venue my family owns.  Today was much more relaxed, hung out with Ellie all day, went for a walk this morning with Mom, went to the movies, scrabble, the usual.  I’ve been doing a whole lot of thinking the past couple of days about what I want my life to be in the next few years.  I’m trying to weigh my options.  I know that one of my top priorities is to get all my body bullshit back on track.  I’ve been feeling pretty motivated since my bad spell.  I need to write this all out, everything I’m thinking about, but it’s hard for me to focus on anything like that while I’m with the fam.  

Anyhoo, pretty good day all around.  

Breakfast: nope

Lunch: wrap with a wheat tortilla, light cream cheese, 2 slices turkey breast

Dinner: out at Ozeki, had pork donburi: bowl of rice with lots of veggies and strips of cooked pork on top, with an egg

Snack: I just had a single serving bag of Sun Chips, and I ate a bunch of cooked broccoli with tahini when I got home an hour ago

Exercise: 2 miles with the dogs, 30 day shred

1000 miles in 2009: 493 (I missed some miles the past few days, so am adding them now)

Song of the Day: Bixby Canyon Bridge, by Death Cab For Cutie

Daily awesome: Article about how we interpret the term ‘domestic terrorism’, specifically as it pertains to the murder of Dr. Tiller.  Crazy thing, really- doesn’t matter which side you fall onto in terms of the abortion thing, it’s an interesting point.

Another nice day today- I’m worried we’re going to spend our limited Northwest allowance of gorgeous weather in June, then be left with a grey summer.  Noah and I worked, pretty standard day, glad to have him home.  Since there are apparently no men in town who I’m even passably interested in, at least my gay boyfriend is a reliable, platonic good time.  We watched some True Blood (much more fun to watch with a buddy and someone who can understand my brand new, horribly lascivious crush on Sam Trammell-hairy forearms drive me wild, heyo!)  ate some fish tacos.  Tonight, I am incredibly hungry and cannot figure out why, as I ate a TON of food today.  Just having a day where I feel like a bottomless pit, I guess.  I’m trying to figure out a cohesive list of health and lifestyle goals for the summer, because I’m feeling a little drifty.  I need to get on a good vitamin regimen, enact a more stringent workout routine, clear my house of all the clutter I can stand to part with, and figure out some creative goals to accomplish before my birthday.  

Breakfast: 2 eggs with 1 slice swiss cheese, sliced chicken

Lunch: had a horrific false start where I made these elaborate salads for Noah and I with seared yellowfin tuna, bean sprouts, cabbage, homemade sesame vinaigrette, then it turned out that the tuna just didn’t taste right.  I know from a tuna steak and these were off enough to have made us sick if we’d eaten them.  So then we went to subway and I ate an ENTIRE chicken breast sub, with cheese, dijon mustard, lettuce, spinach, lots of tomatoes, olives and pickles.

Dinner: made delicious fish tacos. 2 small flour tortillas, with about 6 oz baked tilapia with chili and lemon, 1\4 cup black beans, lots of pico de gallo, salsa, cabbage, 2 tablespoons light sour cream, 5 slices pineapple

Exercise: 30 day shred, 2 miles with dogs

1000 miles in 2009: 477.5

Song of the Day: Electro-Socket Blues, by Rogue Wave

Daily awesome: Stephen Colbert’s Craziest Fucking Thing I’ve Ever Heard.  One of many, many gems from this handsome, hilarious genious.  Another daily awesome from Hulu, I know, but I’m feeling lazy the past couple days. . .

I was still feeling a bit yucky and weak today, but I managed to basically clean house and go grocery shopping.  It was muggy today, which I hate, and my house was frigging boiling.  I’ve been watching True Blood, because it just came out on dvd, while I cleaned the house- I’m a big fan.  I don’t like all that Twilight nonsense- vampires aren’t supposed to be abstinence\anti-feminist metaphors or any bullshit like that, they’re not supposed to be completely insipid either.  They’re supposed to be violent and horny and this show pretty much nails that whole deal: everyone on the show is dead sexy, always sweating, speaking with a southern accent and is constantly either narrowly escaping death, actually being murdered, fucking, using drugs or biting Anna Paquin’s bare boobs.  It’s super crazy and all horned-up, Alan Ball-style, but much more awesome than I thought it was going to be.  Noah and I are back to work tomorrow; he flew in tonight and we have to work three solid days before I leave for Yakima for the weekend.  God, it’s just the worst being fat in the summer; I really would like to wear less clothes and be more comfortable, but rolled-up jeans and a tank-top are as minimal as I can feel okay with.  No shorts, skirts or dresses.  That will hopefully change by the end of the summer.  I have a fabulous dress that I’ll fit into in about another 20 pounds- it’s very retro an fabulous, with pastel sailboats and decorative buttons in the back, pleats, all kinds of crazy shit. It perfectly matches my favorite fun shoes (turquoise suede heels, with a gold cutout window on the side and a peep toe). I love this dress and I swear, I’m going to wear it before the end of the summer.

Breakfast: 1 cup plain yogurt

Lunch: stir-fried tofu with broccoli, teriyaki and soy sauce, bean sprouts

Dinner: 2 cups coleslaw with vinegar, 1 piece baked tilapia with chili sauce

Exercise: 30 minutes stationary bike (8.5 miles)

1000 miles in 2009: 475.5

Song of the day: Virginia Reel Around the Fountain, the live Built To Spil version

Daily awesome: Oh yes, they did put Intervention up on Hulu.  Most addictive show ever, so to speak.  They don’t yet have the most upsetting one of all: Naked, Crazy Cristy and her meth teeth and sister-beatings.  Hopefully, they’ll put it up soon.  Even a real hard-ass would be scandalized by some of the stuff on that crazy show.  

Well, I guess I’m not immediately back to regular posting.  I took it reeeeeeeaaaaalll easy this weekend, after completing my last class ever.  Saw a couple of movies, relaxed, worked out a fair bit, saw friends.  Now I’m lying in bed, totally miserable, because I’ve been puking for the past two hours.  I have no idea what I could have eaten that is making me ferociously, vigorously vomitty but it definitely did not agree with me.  I’ve been stomach-fluish much more than usual this year- I never used to get puking sick, but there’s been some gross bugs floating around this season, I guess.  Anyhow, hopefully I’ll be ship shape tomorrow, but for tonight, yuck.

I had my last class on campus ever tonight.  I’m back to regular posting tomorrow but I’m too tired tonight.  I got everything done but it came right down to the wire.  No exercise the past couple of days but nervous energy alone should have burned off at least a couple kilos of cellulite:)  I just have to do my contract over the summer and I am officially done.  Great god almighty, I am free at last!!