It was gorgeous in  Seattle today and I felt really good, all day.  I took care of some yard work in the morning, then spent the day with my aunt Meg, who is so cool and easy to pass time with.  We went down to the international district to grocery shop for dinner, got a huge mess of vegetables and thai basil and seaweed.  I cooked us a healthy and delicious dinner (if I do say so myself), then we went to the movies (An Education- I may be president, vice president and secretary of the Unofficial Peter Sarsgaard fan club, but I honestly didn’t see what all the hype was about).  We walked the dogs around the neighborhood around 9, it was actually not that cold, and I could barely contain myself from shrieking: “It’s spring, it’s spring, great god almighty we are free at last!!”  It’s been such a grey winter, and I know that this is just that fake-out thing that we Northwesters are familiar with (where it gets beautiful for a couple weeks in march, all the cherry blossoms bloom and then we get rained on for the next two months), but I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts.  I cannot WAIT for spring and summer.

Breakfast: no

Lunch: 2 cups tomato soup with 28 oyster crackers (320 calories)

Dinner: Stir fry with red and napa cabbage, broccoli, bean sprouts, enoki mushrooms, carrots, teriyaki sauce, garlic, basil, olive oil, 6 large shrimp, 1.5 cups white rice  (700 calories)

Snack: 2 servings rice crackers, 1 box teriyaki nori (320)

Calorie total: 1340

Exercise: 1 hour stationary bike (15 miles)

1500 miles in 2010: 428

Song of the Day: Dress, by PJ Harvey

Daily awesome:  Wow.  The Lady Gaga lawsuit.  Just. . . wow.

Today was a good mix of mellow, relaxing activities and getting shit done.  I got my tabs renewed, hit up Old Navy for some Mexican vacay clothes, met my friend Lily for coffee, worked a little on the book, sent a second invoice to client that owes us some money.  I also worked out, hard, and kept my eating largely under control.  I soothed my negative vibes from yesterday by completing my morning routine and trying to just ease up a little.  I never think of myself as an uptight person, or at least I didn’t before I quit drinking- but once I was stone cold sober for a couple years, I realized that I definitely am.

I also really need to get my resume together this weekend.  I want it to be ready to go when I get home- I need to pick up some kind of food-service job, either waiting tables or making coffee.  I’d prefer to go back to serving, but there’s a lot of lifestyle stuff that goes along with that that I would rather avoid (but think I could handle maintaining my sobriety around, if need be), but the money is unbeatable and, I have to say, I am a truly amazing waitress.  I’m good at customer service- I like talking to people and I’m a good multi-tasker.  I really want our business to be self-sustaining enough to actually pay us as much as we need to make, but that’s just not happening right now, especially with our recent setback.  So, I’m going to dust off my waitressing apron and try to get a couple shifts somewhere; I shouldn’t have even waited this long, but I wanted to wait until I get home from Mexico.  I wish my situation was not financially dire at this point, but it really, really is.  So, the job hunt is on like donkey kong, as soon as I get home.

Breakfast: seared tuna on romaine lettuce, with a poached egg, radishes, olives, tomatoes, champagne vinagrette (400 calories)

Lunch: 1 small avocado, 1 slice toast (350 calories)

Dinner: 2 cups tomato soup with 42 oyster crackers (380)

Snack: 1 string cheese, 1 tomato, 4 chocolate graham crackers- 360 calories

Calorie Total: 1490

Exercise: 3 miles with dogs, Level 2 Bob Harpers Cardio Workout, 1 hour stationary bike (15.5 miles)

1500 miles in 2010: 413

Song of the day: The Book of Love, by the Magnetic Fields

Daily awesome:  This is not awesome at all- I am having all kinds of trouble with the admin end of this blog.  It won’t let me post photos, I randomly lose writing all the time, even after it says it’s been saved.  Is anyone else having this problem?  It’s seriously driving me up the wall- I want to be able to post food pictures, progress pictures, images I find around the web etc.  But every time I complete the Add Image process, when I click on Insert into Post, it just takes me to a blank white pop-up window.  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, CAN SOMEONE HELP ME OUT WITH THIS?  I’m no stranger to a Wordpress blog (in fact, Noah and I build WP blogs for clients all the time and I’m the one that trains them on how to use the back end to create blog posts), but I’ve never come across this problem and I don’t know how communal blogging sites like this one work.  HELP, PLEASE!

I had a very nice night tonight.  Katya and I went to Brasa for dinner, which was extremely delicious and luxurious (not to mention quite irresponsible of me when I don’t know where my next paycheck is going to come from).  Then we went to the Pacific Northwest Ballet dress rehearsal performance for donors- I truly was shocked at how compelling it was.  I like ballet and everything, but it’s usually a little like taking a dose of something that you know is healthy and good for you, but maybe isn’t the most delicious thing in the world.  This time was very different- I was riveted the entire time.  The show was 3 By Dove and it was a number of mini-acts that were all very modern and combined ballet with interpretive dance.  Good catching up with K, too.  She’s doing well, as always.  I don’t know how I have so many friends that are totally calm and pulled together in almost every way (Noah, Lynn, Katya, Evelyn), when I myself am almost always a harried mess (but with good purses and shoes).

However, I totally didn’t work out today.  When I woke up in the morning, I suited up for my workout/dog walk/dog park excursion and I made it through the first half (letting the dogs run at the dog park, followed by the 3 mile trail around Green Lake), but when I got home, I just sat on the couch for the next hour, eating a bowl of tomato soup and glaring at the stationary bike.  This is how my nights and mornings usually go, if the day goes as planned:

1.) Fall asleep between 1 and 3 am.

2. Wake up between 7am and 8.30am, pretty anxious.

3.) Berate self for inability to kick lifelong insomnia (which I’m currently experiencing a bad bout of).

4.) Sleepily pull on hat, workout pants and shirt, sports bra, hoodie and sneakers, as my crazed canines- who know what’s coming- prance around, delighted.

5.) Load them up into the car while sucking down 40oz of water (I have a special bottle I keep by the bed, so I don’t forget to re-hydrate in the morning).

6.) Watch the dogs go crazy at the dog park while drinking 1st caffeinated beverage of the day (a Diet Pepsi).

7.) Walk around Greenlake.

8.) Return home with tired dogs, usually muddy pants and sweaty hair under my hat.

9.) Strip off hoodie and do 30 day shred video.

10.) Ride the stationary bike.

11.) Shower and start the day.

This ritual usually takes at least 2 1/2 hours, not including the shower, and a lot of the time, I shorten it up by omitting the workout video, or the dog park, or the walk- it still works without all it’s constituent parts.  But today, I woke up at almost 11 (!!), could barely drag my ass out of bed, and, I swear, almost didn’t make it all the way around Greenlake.  I truly wanted to relax today; I didn’t really THINK about anything, I didn’t read, I didn’t write, I didn’t work, I didn’t work out.  By the time I got home from my walk, I was pretty tapped out and it was already almost 1, so I just called it good for the day.  Then, a nice evening, and here we are.   Tomorrow, though, I need to get back to my regularly scheduled program.    I have some shit to do tomorrow- yard work, getting my tabs renewed, bathroom cleaning (the part of the house I didn’t clean the other day: all 3 bathrooms, which are in varying states of grossness).  My aunt is arriving on Friday and my brother on Saturday.  Then a quick trip to Yakima on Monday to drop off the dogs, home on Tuesday and then MEXICO!!!

Breakfast: no, slept late

Lunch: Tomato soup with 28 oyster crackers (320 calories)

Dinner: Out for dinner, so it’s questionable.  I had a small green salad with goat cheese and a vinaigrette (maybe 300 calories), 3 small slices of bread and a bowl of mussels, white beans and onions in broth.  I think a conservative estimate on this one would be 600 calories, so I’ll go with 700, final answer.

Snack: 1\4 cup dried cranberries (120 calories)

Calorie total: 1440

Exercise: 3 miles with dogs

1500 miles in 2010: 394.5

Song of the day: I Left My Wallet in El Segundo, by A Tribe Called Quest

Daily awesome:  Is not about Johnny Weir.  Just kidding, it totally is!  Actually, the whole That’s Gay! series in AH-MAZING- Noah and I take frequent That’s Gay breaks in the office.  Bryan Safi is always right on, always hilarious and is totally husband material for some lucky gentleman (and fantasy fodder for legions of disappointed ladies). My favorites include: Coming Out, No Homo, Gay Best Friend, and Acockalypse Now. He’s really good at satirizing the fetishization of gay men without seeming mean-spirited or aggressive. Also, seems so incredibly nice and funny- love him.

Well, my headache and other sickly symptoms were gone today though honestly I didn’t get very much done on any front.  I did, however, eat well and exercise.  I only started to feel sick when I got about 40 minutes into the Biggest Loser tonight- and that was pure disgust at the ridiculous, sexist bullshit going on with the black team.

Brief BL Rant: Why the fuck does Sam feel it’s his responsibility to ‘lead’ the team and why are the four women on his team allowing him to spew this condescending bullshit (’I don’t want you guys to feel like losers’ etc.)?  Why is Ali simpering to him about the added responsibility of being the only man on a team?  I feel like we’re flashing back to this antiquated, 1960’s sensibility- the Biggest Loser is not Mad Men, people!  Ladies aren’t just secretaries, sex-providers and dinner-cookers anymore.  There’s been no added pressure or responsibility on Sunshine, who is on a team with all dudes.  I mean, seriously, yuck.  This show sometimes gives me an icky vibe for other reasons, but this whole Sam taking charge of the team of women, with this stern-but-loving dad vibe is just grossing me out.  I find Sam an appealing competitor in every other way- he’s very affable and genuine-seeming and he’s young enough to not know better.  I’m just surprised that one of the women on the team hasn’t taken him aside to remind him that a vagina does not instantly disqualify someone for a leadership role.  Jeez.

In other fat-people-in-the-media news, I HATE the way the media discussion over Gabourey Sidibe is going.  Hate it, hate it, wouldn’t wanna date it, hate everything about it.  I hate the Howard Stern thing, the weight loss company ‘reaching out’ to her, the constant commentary on how spunky she is (with the omni-present undertone of ‘for a fat girl’).  It’s such a media-saturated climate, everyone in the public eye. . . well, their bodies and faces are so present in our lives, it’s almost like they’re public property.  This is especially true for women in the spotlight, whether it’s some shitstorm over Jessica Simpsons mom jeans or Oprah’s whole deal or the VISIBLY eating-disorder-plagued Renee Zellweger gaining weight for Bridget Jones.  ’Curvy’ is the euphemism of choice for any woman who doesn’t wear a size zero (and seriously, even my most petite, slender, avian friends do not wear a zero- that’s just insanely fucking small for anyone over 5 feet) and there’s all this bullshit talk about Jessica Alba and whomever other flavor of the month ‘accepting and learning to love their curves.’  It is complete garbage and really, what is any woman of a healthy weight supposed to think: well, if Jessica Alba (who for godsake is stunning and can’t be more than a buck ten) is ‘curvy’, then what does that make me?

It’s just a big, stupid joke and we’re all the punchline, the whole ethos around weight and sex appeal in the media.  So when this same media that publishes constant, shaming articles about J. Simp becoming positively rotund in a size 6 is suddenly confronted with AN ACTUAL FAT PERSON, you know it’s going to be fucked up.  And it really has been.  Every news outlet, bitchy blogger, and simpleton E News correspondent has license to comment on how happy she seems for a fat chick, how she’s ‘not the norm’ and ‘breaking the mold’ etc. and many of these same outlets ‘praising her’ (more like fetishizing her), in the same breath will express condescending ‘concern’ for her health.  Here’s what I think: her body is nobodies business.  She is clearly awesome and stoked on this turn of fortune (total unknown to huge star- awesome) and has been totally good natured about all the weight commentary.  She’s not embarrassed or ashamed of her body and nobody should be acting like this is some crazy miracle- a ‘normal’ fat person would be ashamed, so isn’t it quaint and fun that she isn’t?  Ugh, this whole thing has been rubbing me- an avid and usually cheerful consumer of pop culture- the wrong way ever since Precious (which truly is an great book and a good movie- I went to see Saphire read once when it came out and she was on tour, like ten years ago, and she BLEW MY MIND) was released.  She seems like a cool person you might actually want to hang out with (and clearly, she’s making some AMAZING new friends- lucky bitch) and is a legitimately incredible actress and she’s always dressed cute. She’s already got her next jobs line up and she’s been totally nailing it this whole awards season-this is a serious feat, even if the whole entertainment community wasn’t acting like she’s some kind of adorable space alien, and not just an overweight actress.  I really applaud the media outlets that have actually conducted interviews with her where they spoke honestly about weight, acting and whatever else she was inclined to talk about, and not just acted all coy about the subject and played up how ’surprisingly’ confident she is.  She IS breaking the mold and she IS different from most of what we see in the mainstream media and I should have figured that same media’s reaction to it was going to be really gross.  Anyhow, just needed to get that off my chest.  She’s awesome, even if she is stealing my fake celebrity bestie.

So sorry to unload all that negativity on everyone- I’m just having an outraged week and I’ve had a little more time than usual to stew about things that do not have a direct impact on my life (Gabby Sidibe, Biggest Loser sexism, Johnny Weir’s withdrawal from the world championships in Italy- oh, the humanity).  But whatever, a pretty good day.

Breakfast: 1 avocado, 1 slice toast (420 calories)

Lunch: leftover pasta, 2 cups, 600 calories

Dinner: bowl of tomato soup with 28 oyster crackers (330 calories), green salad with 7 large shrimp, 1 tomato, olives, red cabbage, radishes, fat free sesame vinaigrette (from Trader Joes, totally delicious) 300 calories

Total Calories: 1750

Exercise: 3 miles with the dogs, 1 hour stationary bike (15.5 miles)

1500 miles in 2010: 391.5

Song of the Day: Detects on My Affection, by Peter, Bjorn and John

Daily Awesome: Gabby Sidibe on The Soup- fast forward to the last minute of this video to get the hilarity, the fist bump just kills.  She’s also funny here (’what’s it do?’).

I had a good food day today, but not great exercise- partly because I had a splitting headache, like, ALL DAY.  I got going on my 30 day shred video this morning after walking the dogs and I couldn’t stand the jumping, twisting and carrying on- I felt like my brain was bouncing off the back of my skull.  Hating to disappoint Jillian, I pressed onward until nearly the end, but pretty much phoned it in and then did a listless 7 miles on the stationary bike.  I did not get very much done today and I am stressed beyond stressed about money, but I’m feeling better.  I was all worked up to write a long post about either a. how enraged I am about this whole Gabourey Sidibe thing (by ‘whole thing’, I mean that because she’s a fat woman with a confidence and sex appeal, the media is WIGGING THE FUCK OUT in a really offensive way.  And also, how because she’s a large woman, every bitchy Gawker reporter and weight loss Nazi feels they have license to comment at will about her body- but more on this tomorrow) or b. how I’m just not into the Biggest Loser this season.  I’m going to have a writing\errands day tomorrow- have to renew my tabs, return some stuff to Target etc.  I’m kind of enjoying this lady-of-leisure business, if only for the week (and after this week: MEXICO!!!  And don’t think I won’t smugly post pictures of my fabulous vacation, because I will).  I hope I feel better tomorrow- it’s possible I had a headache from all the cleaning fluids that were being sprayed around all day yesterday, but not likely given that I use, for the most part, non-toxic, hippie-approved nonsense like borax and vinegar.  Oh well, I have a huge mug of peppermint tea and a brand new episode of Be Good, Johnny Weir (I can barely, barely restrain myself from shrieking wildly, Beatles-girl style every Monday night when I download the new show from ITunes, so great is my adoration).  I finished the Francine Prose book (meh), and somehow ended up with yet another book that I’m not super into (The Year of Pleasures, by Elizabeth Berg).  I’m 0 for 3 this week with reading material, so I’m going to have to choose more thoughtfully on the next one.

Breakfast: 2 roma tomatoes, wheat toast with avocado-280 calories

Lunch: 1.5 cups pasta with red sauce and 1 italian sausage, 450 calories

Dinner: Shrimp Cocktail, with tomato juice, jalapenos, fresh tomatoes, 6 large shrimp, diced red onions, 2 corn tortillas- 500 calories or therabouts.

Calorie total: 1230

Exercise: Well, you know the story.  3 miles with dogs, 7 miles stationary bike, aborted 30 Day Shred Level 2

1500 Miles in 2010: 373

Song Of The Day: Telephone, by Lady Gaga (don’t judge, it’s totally stuck in my head)

Daily awesome: the Telephone video, which, I definitely admit, is not for everybody (and is also borderline NSFW).  This thing is such a crazy mess- product placement! beyonce’s boobs! murder! lesbians! Tyrese Gibson! sandwiches!- but I kind of love it.

Well, I felt much better today.  It still took me awhile to get out of bed and I am still a little rattled, but I’m going to enjoy this week off: today I cleaned the whole house (almost), made myself a necklace, worked out, ate decently and worked on my book for two hours.  Very productive and I feel almost back to my regular self again.  I’m leaving for Mexico in ten days and I’m feeling okay about still being fat while I’m there.  I think I’ve lost some weight since the beginning of March, after my big fat goose egg in February (my bad), but I haven’t been to Noah’s recently to weigh myself.  I just want to cruise through the summer- maybe seven or eight pounds per month should put me on track to be where I want to be by the end of the year.  If I focus, I can make it happen, I just have to stay on track.  I’m not starting up the food detailing again until tomorrow, but today I ate a bagel and cream cheese for breakfast, a mango and avocado salad for lunch and a big bowl of pasta with red sauce for dinner.  Bad me, but back to rabbit food tomorrow.  Also, I did an hour on the stationary bike today (15 miles) and walked the dogs (3 miles), so hopefully that will minimize any damage done this weekend.  Next week is going to be active and fun: my aunt Meg is coming to stay with me and I love her, also my brother comes home next Saturday and I’m having a little dinner party on Sunday and I’m going to dinner and the ballet with Katya on Weds.  I’m also going to get packed, work out five out of seven days, eat well and work hard on my book and the new story I started today.  But right now, I plan to watch an episode of Hoarders, read a couple chapters of my book (A Changed Man, by Francine Prose- not her best) and hopefully fall into a sound sleep.  Good night!

Miles: 363

I was totally at loose ends today.  I slept almost all day, read a book, watched an obscene amount of television, ate complete garbage, did not work out and was generally useless and depressed.  I’m giving myself the weekend to wallow in my professional despair, hopefully with minimal dietary straying and regular workouts, and then on monday, it’s get my self up, dust myself off time.  But, oy vey, am I bummed out.  I feel like I could sleep for a thousand years.  I think everything going on with work and the fallout from all the emotional family stuff is just now catching up with me.  Not even watching (and re-watching) episodes of the Johnny Weir reality show is cheering me up-and that ALWAYS cheers me up- and I couldn’t write or do ANYTHING productive today.  Ugh, seriously, I just feel like I don’t know my ass from a hole in the ground.  I want to at least get some work on the book done tomorrow and a hard workout- those are my (very manageable) goals.  Anything else positive will just be gravy.

Today, I went to the movies in the middle of the day, ate tomato soup with oyster crackers basically all day and tried to cope with the absolutely devastating news I got at work yesterday.  Noah and I found out that a major credit card company yesterday changed their regulations regarding convenience fees; this comes DAYS before our site and our service (based on convenience fee credit card processing for non-profit organizations) goes public.  We’ve lost seven months of work, thousands of hours, not to mention the money we’ve sunk into the site, to get it adequately programmed to perform the service we offer.  This is, quite literally, the WORST thing that could have happened.  We have to start basically from scratch- our work with the company providing the process has allowed us to get a good deal on rates that will allow us to be competitive in the market, but still, I am deeply, deeply frustrated and disappointed.  We’ve been working pretty much tirelessly on the fucking thing for the better part of a year and now, with a fell swoop from Mastercard, our upstart company and service are rendered useless from one day to the next.  It’s bullshit.  Why is this month so horrible?

So, anyhow, I’m horribly upset and trying to reframe my thinking around the whole thing.  On the upside, I have three weeks off work (one of which I am spending in Mexico).  Noah and I will be launching our dramatically revamped site the first week of April, and until then, I’ll be taking excellent care of my body, working on my book, relaxing and putting things in order.  So, Alice in Wonderland in the middle of the day today, with Evelyn and Alicia.  Can I just bitch, for a minute, about childless adults who like to see childrens movies?  I love Evie and Alicia, but when they asked me to the movies, I assumed we’d be seeing something great; it’s awards season and there are, like, five or six movies I’m excited to see in the theater (An Education, Shutter Island, The Crazies, Creation, Crazy Heart etc.), but no!  Neither of them like ‘intense’ movies (I can totally understand people not sharing my proclivity for horror movies, but come on) and the only thing we could even moderately agree on was Alice In Wonderland, which I thought was pretty much boring (except for a very good first 20 minutes) and standard (I like my Tim Burton far more perverse than that).  I don’t need to see something heavy or arty or film studenty every time, I love a trashy blockbuster as much as the next gal, but for Pete’s sake, why on earth would you see something made for kids when there is a broad range of interesting, adult movies out in the theaters?  All right, bitch session over.

I didn’t keep very good track of what I ate today (well, I did, kind of, but I don’t really feel like writing it down), but it wasn’t so bad.  Tomato soup and quinoa, that sort of thing.

Exercise: 1 hour stationary bike (15 miles) + 8 from yesterday

1500 miles in 2010: 345

Well, I’m back from the intense week in Yakima.  I don’t really have the energy to write about it tonight, but will do so later this week.  Chance and I went to see Michael Chabon speak tonight (his presentation was all about Poe and his writerly influence- very, very good, much better than the arrogant, free-form nonsense he was spouting on his last book tour, but, who am I kidding, I totally heart him either way. . . ), then played many games of scrabble (I’m undefeated, btw) and ate a few more snacks than I would have liked.  A good night, but I feel insanely tired.  Tomorrow, Kathy is coming up for a few hours in the evening and I have a ton of work to do.  I’m glad to be settling into a normal routine, at least for a couple of weeks.

Breakfast: mango (200 calories)

Lunch: quinoa with capers, tomatoes, feta, fresh basil (300 calories)

Dinner: 6 oz seared tuna with green salad, 3 slices pineapple (600 calories ish)

Snacks: 2 servings crackers from trader joes (300 calories), 1\2 avocado, 1 ounce brie, 1\4 cup dried cranberries (290 calories)

Calorie total: 1690

Exercise: 3 miles with the dogs, 30 day shred, 30 minutes stationary bike (8 miles)

1500 miles in 2010: 322

song of the day: Black Cab, by Jens Lekkman

Daily awesome:  Oscar fugs.  Also, I am totally stoked that Kathryn Bigelow won for her expertly crafted, compelling and sophisticated movie and James Cameron wasn’t rewarded for his boring, hypocritical, imperialist, racist piece of shit cartoon.  Yay, Oscars!

I’m in Yakima.  The family is totally mobilized, setting up the service on Saturday and Mark’s wife and kids are totally dazed and grief-stricken.  It is just horrible.  I’m so tired but I know I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight, but I also can’t think.  My dad, who I have NEVER seen shed a tear (not that he’s such a stoic person or anything, he just has a very measured approach to life, even when things are rough), looks like he’s on the verge of nervous collapse.  My grandmother is comatose; the most famous lexical gap in the English language is this: we have a word for children who have lost parents (orphan), but no specific word for a parent who’s lost a child.

I was over at Mark’s house all night, cleaning, fixing plates of food, spending time with Alex, his daughter and my cousin, who was in desperate need of some comic relief (moi).  We told stupid pet stories and walked the dog and talked a little about her dad.  All the adults but me got super drunk.  It’s all so heartbreaking.

The good news: I did not overeat today and I exercised this morning before I left Seattle.  Unfortunately, the food at hand was funeral food, sitting-shiva food, lasagnes and pots of bouillebaisse and pasta salads and clam chowders and meat pies and the like.  I had two modest portions of lasagne (one for lunch, one for dinner), a helping of green salad, two chocolate chip cookies and lots of water.  I’m really fighting the urge to eat something desserty and in a large quantity right now- everyone is asleep in my parents house, I’m the only one awake, and I could safely binge without feeling shame or anything at all.  I think this is a problem with my whole thing around food: whenever I feel bad, emotionally, my knee jerk reaction is to make my insides match my outside by filling them up with all manner of trash.  I don’t want to do that anymore, and especially not right now. This weekend, my eating WILL be positive, energy-giving and not completely motivated by negative pathology.  I am also going to work out tomorrow at, like, 6 am so I can be energized for the INSANELY long day I have ahead.  G’night, all.