I am insanely depressed.  I have been eating and sitting on my fat ass since I last wrote.  I’m having serious trouble getting motivated and sticking with my food and workout plan.  I feel so disgusted with my body, I haven’t been out of jeans and a hoodie in weeks (excepting clothes for work meetings and for the odd funeral).  I threw Evelyn a fabulous birthday party last Saturday (which was a smashing success and, surprisingly, did not completely trash the house) and I had to put on heels and my foxiest jeans and sparkliest top and be a vivacious hostess- all things I normally enjoy, very much, but this time around, I just wanted to huddle down into my cardigan and cross my arms over my belly.  Noah booked us a fabulous vacation to Mexico at the end of March and I have to at least lose some more weight before that, but I’m not going to if I don’t start acting right.  I just feel . . . not like myself.  I let a whole drawer of vegetables practically rot before my eyes and I am normally a very avid vegetable eater; I haven’t even been walking the dogs, I just take them to the dog park and stand around NOT flirting with any of the cute dog-owning boys there.  I can’t even enjoy the mindlessness of filling online shopping carts with fancy purses I would one day like to own and currently cannot afford.  I feel like I’ve lost my mojo.  My new plan is to spend the weekend wallowing, working, reading, cleaning and preparing healthy food for me to have around next week.  I’m not going to obsess about working out or the diet plan and then on Monday, the 1st, I will spring into action and hopefully still be able to meet my two upcoming mini-goals (February 28th and April 16th).  Right now, I am seriously having trouble even mustering the energy to return phone calls, shower daily or do anything, really, that is about taking good care of my physical and emotional needs.  When you’re blue, why is it that things that normally are like a punishment (straying off your food plan, not eating your veggies, leaving hair and teeth unbrushed, not feeling the physical satisfaction of exercise) become a default mode that supposedly feels ‘better’ or ‘easier’?  I need to get my fucking head on straight.  Tomorrow: a trip to the library, a walk around the international district and organizing the closet in the office.  For now, early to bed.

Well, I’m back from Berkeley and Olympia and having my sister and her fiance stay here this weekend with the baby.  I managed to do 76 miles in the past ten days- not exactly at my goal, but not too shabs either.  I’m having trouble getting organized; today was the first day I’ve spent at home alone in my house for a long, long time, like 4 or 5 weeks and I almost couldn’t even get out of my sweats today.  I’ve done a lot of things in the past couple weeks that I never really had time to process and I”m spending a couple days doing so- like Noah’s mom’s funeral (horrifically sad, cathartic, wonderful, amazing), launching our new business blog, launching the donation engine we created, dealing with my little brother and parents for the whole holiday, etc.  I’m planning to take it easy tomorrow as well, just work out, plan out the birthday party I’m throwing for Evelyn on Saturday night, catch up on work and writing and the major art project I’m doing for Noah for his bday.  I’ve been cruising along, in terms of weight loss- 2 pounds last week and 3 the week before.  My next real reassessment point is the last day of February, Lynn’s 30th and Noah’s 25th birthday (weird my two closest friends have the same birthday, but my other bestie, Rachel, has the same birthday as I do, for godssake, so it’s not really that surprising).  I have several check points laid out throughout the year and so far, things are going as planned.  I want to be more reliably keeping up this blog, but I have a lot going on in my life right now.  I know that it keeps me sane and accountable, but, like other positive things in my life, I sometimes ignore it for something easier, like watching tv after a long day, or just reading in bed instead of breaking out my laptop again.  My thinking about blogging needs to be readjusted as well- like weight loss, it’s something that requires serious and sustained effort, but I find that I am happiest, most motivated and, you know, thinnest, when I am blogging daily.  I need to work on it and get my head on straight for the next couple of months.

Breakfast: 2 eggs, 1 slice wheat bread

Lunch: 1 cup wheat rotini, with 1 tomato, 4 oz roast beef (which I made on Sunday and now need to eat literally every day and probably some of it will still go bad), parsley, 1 tbsp olive oil, garlic, 2 tbsps parmesean

Dinner: Same, plus a green salad with balsamic vinaiger, assorted veggies and 1 ounce feta cheese

Exercise: 1 hour stationary bike, 14.5 miles, 2 miles with dogs

1500 miles in 2010: 146.5

Song of The Day: I Hate Camera, by the Bird and The Bee

Daily Awesome: Single Ladies iterations, Numbers 1, 2 and 3. Yes, I really like that crazyass song and dance, but doesn’t everyone, really?

Long day today; family in town, coffee with my cousin, haircut, suit-retrieval, packing, laundry, exercise, work.  I’m nervous I’m going to be all vomity on the flight tomorrow (I love to travel but I am one of those disgusting flyers who requires a barf bag most of the time), but, feh, who cares?

Also, my whole bedroom is covered in fuzz, because I realized that I have left my nicest black cardigan in Olympia and will not have time to get it before I go.  My funeral dress is not particularly . . . funereal without a sweater over the top of it, to make it less breasty.  Bottom line, I ended up taking a sweater stone to my second nicest cardigan in a frenzy and now my bed and many of my clothes are covered in little puffs of black lint.  I’m not sure I’m taking my computer, so I may not be back to blogging until Tuesday.  So if not, I hope everyone has a nice weekend.

Breakfast: no

Lunch: tuna melt, 1 can tuna with celery and red peppers,  1 tbsp mayo, 1 ounce cheddar, 1 slice wheat bread (400 calories)

Dinner: large helping of salad with various greens, garbanzos, tomatoes, avocado, salad dressing, 1 small pork chop, 1 cup wheat pasta with broccoli and olive oil (estimated 1000 calories)

1 diet pepsi

Exercise: 1 mile with dogs, 40 minutes on stationary bike (10 miles)

1500 miles in 2010: 54

Song of the Day: One is the Magic Number, by Jill Scott

Daily awesome: Barbie as Lady Gaga.

A decent day, though minimal exercise.

My parents are here, my brothers performance went very well, and all I have to do tomorrow is pick up Noah’s funeral suit and get my funeral haircut.  Then I leave on Saturday for California.  I’m very nervous to leave my dogs under the negligent eye of my brother and mom, but I’m just going to have to let it go.

Breakfast: 1 serving apple crisp (300 calories), 8 oz skim milk (90 calories)

Lunch: 1 twice baked potato (340 calories), small green salad (150 calories)

Dinner: salad with 1 can tuna, radishes, greens, olives, garbanzo beans, green onions, 2 tablespoons light champagne vinaigrette (350 calories)

2 graham crackers (80 calories)

Calorie total: 1310

2 bottles diet pepsi

Exercise: 30 minutes stationary bike (7.5 miles)

1500 miles in 2010: 43

Song of the Day: T.H.E.H.I.V.E.S. by The Hives

Daily awesome: In honor of my brothers second show of the week, I give you a little video of him playing Sultry Sunset at the Ellington Jazz festival in 2007.  Music starts at 1:40, so fast forward and skip the boring intro  He’s the kid with the saxophone.

Good day today, lots of exercise and got a lot of work done.  My brother and his musical band of miscreants are rehearsing in the house tonight and driving me more crazy than I already am.  Every time I, say, spend two hours mopping the kitchen floor and murphy’s-oil-soaping the hardwood floors in the living and dining room, I walk back in three minutes later to find someone has crumbled tortilla chips or something all over the place.  My parents are coming tomorrow (for little brothers show)and I’m kind of excited, but also, I’ve just had a little TOO much filial togetherness lately, holidays and all.

Anyhow, I shouldn’t complain because 1.) I’m lucky to have such a close family and 2.) they’re going to do me a little favor this weekend: I’m going down to San Francisco this weekend for Noah’s mom’s memorial and they’re going to watch the dogs.  It’s going to be madness- very fancy and hectic with his family and incredibly sad.  I’m flying down with Chance on Saturday evening and we get back monday night.

Anyhoo, good day.

Breakfast: 1 egg, soft boiled, 1 slice wheat toast, 1 orange, 260 calories

Lunch: 2 twice baked potatoes, with light sour cream, green onions, turkey sausage, bread crumbs, etc. 675 calories

Dinner: salad with one can tuna, mixed greens, 6 olives, radishes, 1 ounce garbanzo beans, green onions, 5 mini carrots, 1 ounce sharp cheddar, 2 tablespoons light champagne dressing, 340 calories, and six ounces baked broccoli with salt, 1 tbsp olive oil and red pepper (130 calories)

Calorie total: 1405

Exercise: 5 miles with the dogs, 45 minutes stationary bike (11.5 miles), 30 day shred level 2

1500 miles in 2010: 35.5

1 diet pepsi today

Song of the Day: Concrete Schoolyard, by Jurassic 5

Daily awesome:  I made this smoked salmon earlier this week and it was amazing!!  If you have a charcoal grill, it’s super easy.

Thank god everyone’s favorite inspirational (and occasionally offensive) show is back.  I’m going to do weekly weigh-ins this year too, starting next week (cause my mom is bringing the scale she got me for xmas over on Thursday).  I’ve been on edge the past couple of days, because my 20 year old brother is staying with me while on Christmas break and he’s driving me crazy.  When he’s not littering my workout area with Corona bottles and the sad remains of limes, he’s telling me my last boyfriend was so boring because I’m too fat.  I’m going to kill this kid one of these days, I swear.  He played a show on Sunday that me, Chance and Noah went to and there’s another one coming up on Thursday.  I think when I was 20, I was probably pretty thoughtless, too, but he’s driving me apeshit, honestly.

Today was good with food and not great with exercise.  Tomorrow, I’m going to kick ass, though.  I made myself a super-silly exercise mix to kick ass to tomorrow while I’m hustling it around Greenlake with the pooches, including such embarrassing gems as ‘Party in the USA,’ and ‘Umbrella’.  Don’t judge me.  I’m feeling motivated and good; like Liz Lemon says, it’s my year, though I won’t be using a sale wedding dress as a 3 thousand dollar ham napkin.

Breakfast: 1 egg, 1 slice wheat toast, raw spinach and carrots, 200 calories

Lunch: 2 twice baked potatoes (675 calories), with light sour cream, turkey sausage, green onions, sharp cheddar, bread crumbs, oregano

Dinner: 1 tilapia filet baked, salad with tomatoes, 1\2 avocado, greens, radishes, chick peas, with balsamic vinaiger and 1 tablespoon olive oil, 300 calories

1 bottle diet pepsi for the day

Exercise: 30 day shred, level 2

1500 miles in 2010: 19

Song of the Day: Writz, by Gift of Gab

Daily awesome:  Yes, believe your eyes people, it’s Brittany from Glee, dancing backup for Beyonce.  Why is that dance so unbelievably amazing?!!

Lifestyle Resolutions for the New Year (and new century!)

1.) Eat less, blog more.

2.) Challenge myself with my workouts; new videos and activities, etc.  I want to take a kickboxing class this year, but I need to drop another 30 or so before I could do it without wanting to commit harakiri.

3.) Don’t take up the cigarettes again.  My torrid on-again, off-again love affair with the goddamned things has to be over, like, for realsies.  It’s been 3 months, which is usually when things get lax.  Lately, I’ve been making sock monkeys to control my urges to both bite my nails to shreds (which i do even while smoking) and suck down a half a pack of cigarettes.  Sock monkeys, I know, it’s crazy, but it soothes my crafty nerves and I know a lot of kids.  Also, I like sock monkeys.

4.) Moderate Diet Pepsi consumption.  I’m sick of the bloating and burping, the feeling that if I trip and fall my bones will shatter like glass, the potential nutrasweet tumor, the disgusted looks I get from all the damn tea-drinking hippies I know.  I’m going to try to keep it at roughly a six pack (of 24 ounce bottles, mind you) per week.  More water, less carbonated caffeine.

5.) Count calories and weigh food.  It’s hard for me to think of an activity I will enjoy less or find more tedious.  BUT, I certainly haven’t made that fine of a showing this year (less than 1 pound per week for nine months- feh) and I am turning 30 in ten months, which is my absolute cutoff date for my fatness.  If I want to make it, I have to be serious and not blow it, for pretty much this whole year. I need to lose a little over 1.5 pounds per week for the remainder of the year until October 25th (my dirty 30), so that means I have to get serious about the calorie counting.

6.) Weekly Weigh-Ins.  It works for all those bitches at Weight watchers and the Biggest Losers.

7.) Keep a food journal AND this blog.  I figure the diet and exercise plan is going to monopolize a lot of time and energy in any case, so why not?  It can only help.

8.) Be Organized.  I spent this weekend organizing my basement into an awesome gym space- set up workout equipment, exercise videos, vitamins, water bottles.  I want to keep meticulous track of the minutes I spend exercising, keep my space nice and tidy and just generally be more on top of this whole operation than I was in the latter half of 2009.

9.) 1500 miles in 2010.  I overshot my 1000 miles last year by nearly 70 points and I was only doing it since march, so this year, I’m kicking it up to 15 hundred.

10.) Enjoy the process.  I’m going to try not to put on my complainy pants too often and get back into this whole thing.  I have been busy taking care of a lot of people in my life for many months now and I haven’t been as attentive as I should be to my own priorities (like losing a shitload of weight in the next ten months).

Bonus resolutions:

-eat out once per week or less.

-date some dudes; nice to be back in Seattle- I meet a cute guy at the dog park, like, three times a week.  So I need to stop being grumpy and self-conscious when this happens try to put my best, non-freakshow foot forward and get out there again.

-improve attention to feminine grooming, regular eyebrow-plucking, nail painting, leg-shaving and the like.

-less tv, more reading, writing, crafting, home repair, letter writing and similar.

-acquire some new skills: upholstering furniture, metalworking and self-defense are on the list.

-Improve my average scrabble score by 30-40 points.

-make a million-billion dollars, or, failing that, make my business self-sustaining enough that I’m not constantly working 60 hours a week for next to nothing.

1500 miles in 2010: 19

Song of the Day:  A Town Without Pity, by Gene Pitney

1st DAILY AWESOME of 2010: Hilarious list of ways men can shoot themselves in the foot with the ladies.  Some of these have happened to me.