Holy shit, I seriously almost died today in my car, which is a tiny black Civic without air conditioning, driving to Yakima.  I had to drop Lucy off at the kennel she usually goes to, which is up near Seattle, but then we got stuck in SERIOUS traffic and it was 104 degrees and I’m a Northwest girl and they’re Northwest dogs, we are wusses about the heat, and honestly, I was scared for their lives.  At the kennel, they let me give Klaus a quick, cold bath to cool him off because I thought he was about to perish from heatstroke or some such sun-related illness.  The traffic on 1-5 took for-fucking-ever to get through and turned out to be because of a fire (!!) that burnt down a patch of the divider between N and S lanes of the freeway up near Kent.  Crazy.

So, I was quite grumpy, but then arrived at my mothers house and she had prepared an incredible feast of a dinner, incorporating all my favorite edible aspects of summers here.  It was amazing.  We leave tomorrow morning for Montana.

Breakfast: english muffin with sliced turkey, 1 slice gouda, light mayo, sprouts

Lunch: no

Dinner: oh my god, what DIDN’T I have for dinner, but it was mostly healthy.  Green bean salad with tomatoes, basil, onions, olive oil, vinagar, herbs.  Potatoes with feta cheese, chives and more herbs from Moms garden.  An ear of corn (half of which I burned badly on the grill- my one dinner task, to prepare the corn, went horribly awry).  3 slices pork roast (whoops).  Delicious.

Also, weirdly, I drank a regular soda today.  I am the sort that NEVER allows an ounce of non-diet soda to pass her lips.  It’s like the sugary stuff doesn’t exist for me, usually- give me Nutrasweet or give me death!  I love the diet pepsi etc.  But I was all sweated out and fatigued after driving for six goddamn hours and I drank a cold root beer I bought at a gas station and I swear, you guys, it was like manna from heaven.

Exercise: 1 mile with dogs

1000 miles in 2009: 529.5 (I need to get to work on this thing- more stationary bike upon my return!!)

Song of the Day: Anti Love Song, by Betty Davis

Daily awesome: Because of my anxiety of leaving my dogs for the weekend (Lucy at the kennel and Klaus in Yakima with my dad), I give you the greatest collection of pet halloween costumes I have ever seen.  Appreciate, in particular, the chef and lobster-in-a-pot and the collection of fast foods.

It was nearly 100 degrees today- my house is still a broiling, sweating, dog-panting inferno, there’s no ventilation here.  Yesterday was great and busy- Noah and I went to hang at Kathy’s pool all day (where Kathy was not killed, but was badly, badly burned!), then went up to Seattle to see Holly’s reading, which was, in all honesty, the kind of preposterous, avant-garde poetry situation that just about makes a literary traditionalist like myself want to get a frontal lobotomy.  Love Holly, though, of course and am proud of her for putting herself out there, even if we disagree in terms of artistic tastes.

Today was pretty good- it was basically too fucking hot to eat until now and I’m eating some wheat pasta and trying not to forehead-sweat too much into it.  I have to get rolling on my contract but I was so hot today I could barely think.  Kathy and I went shopping, I watched the newest True Blood at her place while she was at a doctors appointment and we talked a lot about boys and heartbreak.  I worked in the morning and finalized an important project for us, also.  So, a good day.

Breakfast: mango, 1 cup yogurt

Lunch: no

Dinner: right now, 1 cup wheat pasta with tomatoes, olive oil, garlic, basil, parmesean

1 cup iced coffee with soy milk and splenda

Exercise: 30 minutes stationary bike, 8.5  miles

1000 miles in 2009: 528.5

Song of the day: Night Time is The Right Time, by Ray Charles

Daily awesome: Go Fug Yourself!

So, for the past month, almost, I’ve been basically unable to complete basic creative tasks such as blog-keeping, art-project-doing, writing-for-fun and delicious-meal-cooking.  I’ve been feeling like my creative well was completely dry.  I was so worked up by the time school ended (9 quarters in a row- holla!) that I just felt like I couldn’t get enough rest and relaxation.  Unfortunately, this blog and many other things fell by the wayside.  I’ve also been seeing that boy, David, which is ever so distracting, even though I know he doesn’t really have long term potential.  I’m trying to enjoy as many relaxing activities (sex, television, hiking, movie-going, etc.), that don’t require any creative spark, so I can recollect my energy and figure out what the hell I’m going to do with myself now.

All this has also had not much of a favorable impact on my diet.  I’ve been holding steady, though with the last couple weeks (2 trips to the cabin, threw a baby shower for my sister), it’s been difficult.  But, I’m ready to suck it up and try to get back into writing regularly and dieting again.  Next week I’m going on a hiking trip with my mother and uncle in Glacier, which will be beautiful and hot as hell’s fire this time of year.  I’ve got a bad cold right now, so am taking the day off tomorrow, but I’ve been pretty faithful in general about exercising.

I also decided that this summer is when the whole chubby-shame thing ends:  I realized that, until recently, I hadn’t gone swimming in years, that my legs hadn’t seen the sunshine, just how much my body has been affecting my happiness during this time of year.  I’ve always clearly registered low-level, free-floating anxiety during the summers, but it’s much less painful to blame it on something other than what it truly is: I’m really ashamed of my body.  So anyways, this summer, I’m just saying fuck it; I’ve been swimming, even worn dresses a couple of times, I have a nice tan.  It’s so much easier to just let it go (at least, after that first time I ran into the water in my running shorts and sports bra), even though I’m sure if I saw a picture of myself I would be utterly overcome with morbid shame.  The casual sex relationship with David is also helping my body confidence.  All these things are good: I’m considering them to be practice.  It’s like I’m testing out all the things I used to love to do, checking to see if I still love them (yep!), getting ready for when I can really feel like myself again in the outdoors (once I have a normal BMI).  I used to be obsessed with moving to Austin, Texas, because it’s my favorite city in the United States, but I let that fade away as I got heavier- gosh, no, I couldn’t possibly live in hot weather, too much tank-top and sundress weather.  Anyhow, as I am truly losing this weight (which has been admittedly slow, but, still, happening this month), I’m trying to write down, as I remember them, facets of my life that have been unconsciously affected by my weight:  Moving out of the gloomy Northwest.  Going traveling extensively again.  Wearing heels (this I definitely do anyway, but I always know my fat little feet are going to be in serious hurt at the end of the night).  Swimming. Fucking.  Going to the doctor when I need to (don’t like to be weighed).  Tank tops.  There are many more things on this list, that I’m sure will grow as I remember more and more, as I shrink back to my healthy size, but presently, I’m trying to get a jump on the items that can be addressed NOW.

Today is officially three months from my 29th birthday (yeeouch!).  As an early birthday present, I’m purchasing a pair of adorable red cowboy boots that don’t quite fit me (too small around the calves) and are obscenely expensive.  I’m not a big fan of racking up fantasy items that you can’t wear on the day you buy them, ‘incentive outfits’ or whatever, but in this case, I’m doing it to affirm my ongoing confidence in myself, that I know I’ll be into those suckers in three months.  I’m into a size 20, and I should be into a 16 or 18 by my birthday.  I’m nearly 40 pounds down since February and I’m rested and ready to jump back in.  I’m going to wrap those boots up and give them to myself on my birthday and they’re going to fit, goddammit.  Onward and upward, my friends! Hope everyone is well and having a fabulous, beautiful, diet-friendly summer.

Breakfast: wheat english muffin with dijon mustard, 1 tomato and 2 slices smoked turkey

Lunch: no

Dinner: subway sandwich, chicken breast, mustard, all usual veggies, dijon, honey mustard, vinager

Exercise: 3 miles with dogs, 30 minutes stationary bike (8 miles)

1000 miles in 2009: 520 (damn, I wish I’d been keeping track of mileage the past month)

Song of the day: The King of Carrot Flowers, Pt. 1

Daily awesome: So, this was on Digg already, so everyones probably seen it, but still. . . amazing, just amazing.