This was from yesterday, but I forgot to post it:
I woke up this morning with a scowl on my face and annoyance in my heart. Some days you just DON’T FREAKING FEEL LIKE IT. God, why did I sign up for the challenge? I have no excuse for being a total grumpasaurus rex, I just am. I’m not generally a moody person, so I must be about to go on the rag or something. Anyhow, I feel like today was a great example of what I need to train myself to do in all aspects of my life. I was all pissy and lazy this morning, but I managed to do an extra hard workout, eat breakfast and get a long dog powerwalk in. I normally enjoy exercising and feel great afterwards, but I hated every second of it today. Still, I got it done. I need to apply this, er, chutzpah, to my eating plan and my work this week. I’m not going to feel like it every day, or in every circumstance, but I’m making myself a promise that whether I ‘like’ it or not, I will still get it done. This includes school (my senioritis has been very bad the first week)! I want to have a better eating week than last week, particularly because I want that NewKids (first concert I ever went to, 6th row, nobigdeal!) decal, but also because I want to have a really amazing April. It’s important to me to get this done and I need two really strong months if I’m going to drop another size by June 1st, as is my goal. It’s another gorgeous day and I’m now trying to appreciate how much worse my arms looked 2 months ago, rather than go into a body-hating hysteria. I’ve gotten a little lax with eating lately, going to retaurants too much, not counting every bite and I need to snap out of it or I’m never going to lose weight.
Also, I found an inspiration photo to post next to my bed. Every time I’m tempted, I’m going to try to picture that moment in my life and remember how happy I was and how healthy. The picture was taken almost exactly ten years ago (this July sometime). I’m standing thigh deep in beautiful crystalline blue water, it’s so clear you can see how the color changes to a deep green near the sandy bottom. The sun is shining brightly, so I have a hand thrown up, shielding my eyes, but I’m grinning in a way that I almost never do anymore and the most striking thing to me now, about this particular photo, is that I’m wearing a bikini top and board shorts with an apparent and complete lack of self-consciousness. I have a very deep tan, bright blond hair and I seriously can’t remember feeling that happy ever since. Not that I can’t remember incredible moments, days, weeks of joy, but in that picture, I was in the middle of six months of general happiness and freedom. I had saved some money, fled to Europe with my best friend, I had no boyfriend and was thrilled about it, no serious drug or alcohol habit (though we did smoke the occasional joint and drink over there- I mean, cmon), next to no money. I brought to Europe a stick of deoderant, two bathing suits and four pairs of surfing shorts from my time in California the previous year, clean underpants, some tank tops, a blank journal, a camera, my best pal and not very much else. We stayed for four months and it was literally the best time I’ve had in my life. At the time, I didn’t realize what incredible luxury I was indulging in, while standing in that beautiful lagoon in Portugal, how I would never again in my life experience a sense of freedom, unweighted by the burdens of endless shitty waitressing jobs and failed college careers and too many vodka-sevens and boyfriends that make you go completely crazy. I also didn’t know that in five years, rushing at me like a freight train, I would develop such a severe weight problem. I remember that none of this was even on the back burner as I stood there, in that water, while Lynn snapped my picture- I thought I would return home, probably start school up again, finish in a few years, maybe become a journalist. Now, looking back at that time, I can remember it as the happiest of my life, and that’s so sad and heartening at the same time, because back then I thought there would just be more and more to come. Going on a similar trip now would be next to impossible; I would never unthinkingly say ‘you know what, I think we need beach time for a couple of days, let’s hope the train and get it done!’ because as much as I love the ocean, running around in a bathing suit represents more anxiety and unpleasantness than it’s worth. It’s so funny, I think that being vain is such an unpleasant quality, I’ve never been someone who likes to spend more than two minutes on makeup, if any, but I think I may have gotten it wrong. When I was at a healthy weight, I never thought so much about how my body looked, it never took me so long to get dressed in the morning and I never had any sense that everyone was staring at me. Now, I wear body-masking clothes and when I’m wearing a tank top, I think everyone else is as preoccupied or disgusting by my pasty flab as I am. I mean, isn’t low self-esteem just another form of obsessive vanity? I hate thinking so much about the way that I look, because I have so many more valuable things to think about, and one of the main goals of my weight loss process is to, after applying much pressure and energy to everything about my physical self, be able to think LESS about my body. Again, I’m trying to think of it for now as something like the process of getting sober: maybe some people can have a healthy relationship with food, but I can’t. I have to apply a lot of energy to the process now, to spare myself a life run my by my physical insecurities and inabilities. I’m going to look at that picture when I feel tempted or beaten down or like I can’t go on and try to remember not so much how I looked in that bikini, but how good it felt to be enjoying my life and my surroundings with minimal awareness of how my physical form was perceived by the world around me. I just want to fall into the normal range again and spend my worrying time worrying about real things, not just the size of my ass and my cottage cheese thighs.
Such a long post today, and still going! It’s the only way to get rid of my grumpiness, I think, without going berserker on everything in my fridge. Also, new plan for the challenge: as well as no driving to the grocery store, I will also not eat at restaurants this week. This is very hard because Noah and I work from my house and both of us, non-drinkers, love to go out to eat recreationally. But I told him I’m putting the kibosh on it, for the diets sake.
Breakfast: 2 eggs with spinach and sheep’s milk feta, 1 slice toast
Lunch: salad with 2 slices roast, feta, mixed greens, carrots, tomatoes, olives, red cabbage, radishes, balsamic vinaigrette
Dinner: balance bar
No snacks.
Exercise: Bob’s Boot Camp Video (2 levels plus warm-up and cool down, 50 minutes), 30 day shred
Chalenge:
Water: 96 oz
Clean Eating Days: 1\7
Exercise minutes: 80\275
Song of the Day: You Are a Runner and I am My Fathers Son, by Wolf Parade
Daily awesome: adbusters wonderful site.
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