I had a totally fucked up binge today.  I can barely stand to write about it; I’m going to sleep on it and try not to freak out.  I just want to stay on track with food so much and before I started the diet plan up again, every time I would come home from my parents house, the following day I would get a bunch of shitty food, put on some movies and have a do-nothing day.  This trip, I told myself I was setting some new standards of behavior and I would not go into that cycle again.  I psyched myself up to have a nice normal day; workout, work (prospective client proposals), socialize, read.  But that’s not how it happened, folks.  Today, I was getting ready to do my 30 day shred video, but I literally stopped the DVD, put a jacket on, went to the store and got a bunch of shit, came home, ate SEVERAL unhealthy meals and snacks and now it’s 12 hours later and I am so distraught that I fucked up like this that I don’t even think I can sleep.  I did also stock my fridge with healthy food for the week, but this is little consolation.  I just really hate the idea of undoing my hard work and I know that I’m an all-or-nothing kind of gal.  I’m either dieting or I’m REALLY not and fuck ups like this are a very, very slippery slope.  Anyhow, I’m really upset, but I re-read a wonderful article by Bob Greene (yes, Oprah’s dietician/trainer- I know it’s corny, sue me), which details the benefits of just getting back on horse when you fall.  There are bound to be stumbles, I suppose, I just haven’t had a serious one like this in a while.  I’m upset about all the family stuff going on and it’s pretty illuminating to observe that food is still the first thing I go to, to soothe myself.  Which is really a behavior that stokes my anxiety to a fever pitch.  The food didn’t even taste good; I just needed a break from the responsibility of day-to-day life and eating so much trash I can barely leave the house is a way to isolate and remove myself from situations I find painful, confusing or upsetting.  I’m trying to think about unhealthy food like I do about alcohol: maybe some people can maintain a healthy relationship with it (like eating, say, a serving a potato chips instead of a whole bag) but I can’t and that makes it a completely toxic substance to me.  I feel so bloated and upset that I considered not writing about my worst day yet on the diet, but I’m trying really hard to remain committed to writing every day about my experience with this.  It’s helping me see the diet and lifestyle\physical change as a creative process, requiring inspiration and the application of pressure (deadlines, sizes, etc.).

Also, Joy: thanks so much for your concern and support about the situation with my lil sis (and everything else!)- much appreciated.

So, all right, horrible food breakdown ahead.  Here goes:

Breakfast: 1 slice quiche with eggs, milk, red cabbage, green cabbage, swiss cheese

Lunch: foot long subway sammy with chicken, cheese, dijon, honey mustard, all the usual veggies (obviously, extra tomatoes)

Dinner: Large bowl pasta and pesto with parmesean

Snacks: 1 slice swiss, 5 servings (approximately) potato chips, almost an entire large container of Whoppers

I honestly don’t know how I fit it all in.

Exercise: none

1000 miles in 2009: 85.5

Song of the Day: Paper Thin Walls, by Modest Mouse

Daily awesome: I haven’t read it all yet, but I’ve heard this article, by Mike Taibibi in the current Rolling Stone, about the economic crisis, is pretty amazing.