A pretty good day today- I didn’t really work out, but I’d planned to take the day off, since I did the last three.  Got my 80 oz in, ate on plan, went to class and arrived on time.  Noah and I spent the day doing a long, boring video tutorial on how to write code for a specific web thing I will bore myself if I try to describe.  The programming, code-typing part of this job is not my favorite, let me tell you.  I was feeling pretty tired and depressed today when I woke up- no particular reason, I feel very good physically, I think I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  School is really starting to grind on me; I haven’t taken a break in almost two years (seven quarters), but I just have this one to push through and then I’m done (except for 6 credit contract work in the summer).  This whole college fiasco will FINALLY be over.  By the end of the summer, I will also hopefully have the weight problem somewhat more in hand.  I just need another 150 days like this one and I’ll be just fine

Breakfast: 1\2 cup granola with 1 cup yogurt, 1 tomato

Lunch: 2 scrambled eggs with 1 slice mozzerella, 1 cup spinach, 1\2 cup sliced chicken

Snack: 20 tamari roasted almonds

Dinner: chicken breast on raw spinach with soy sauce, sesame oil, garlic, ginger, and rice vineagar

Exercise: 20 minutes stationary bike, 4 miles with dogs

1000 miles in 2009: 133

Weekly Challenge Stats:

Water: 96 oz

Clean Eating Days: 1\5

Exercise minutes: 20

Song of the Day: American Music, by the Violent Femmes

Daily awesome: Another cool design blog.  There’s always something cool to look at here; it’s also a wealth of ideas and inspiration for me(and all you fellow crafters).  

Well, it’s back to school tomorrow.  Night classes as usual- second quarter of the class I was taking last quarter, shouldn’t be that strenuous.  Today was a pretty good day- a little too snacky, but oh well.  I thought I saw one of my best friends from high school in a restaurant today and now I can’t stop thinking of her.  It really makes me want to rassle up some names and numbers of everyone I’ve lost touch with.  I’m feeling quite good, though still impatient for the smaller pants sizes.   I have days when the weight loss process seems like it will be a snap, like I could keep on like this forever, no problem and just let the chips fall where they may.  But days like today, my goals feel really far away and I realized how embarrassed I would have been if it had been Heather in the restaurant today, how uncomfortable with how I looked.  She and I moved to California for 6 months after high school; we surfed and partied and had inappropriate sexual liasons with the loutish surfers that populate the area.  We always had a blast together and we looked so physically similar in high school that people often mistook us for sisters- now that would NOT be the case, if she looks anything like the doppleganger I saw in Happy Teriyaki today.  I did see her a few years ago and she was shocked, even though she handled it like a pro, and I’d love to hang out with her again soon, but I wouldn’t want to run into her or anyone else like that without a lot of advance warning.  Isn’t that so sad and limiting and ridiculous?  To think getting fat is the worst thing that can happen to a woman?  I’m proud of my accomplishments the past five years, but I would be fucking ashamed to run into guys I dated in high school and afterwards, how disgusting of a societal commentary is that- or a view into my pathetically secret acceptance of all the bullshit we’re supposed to believe about fat women in particular.  I hate myself for subscribing to a corrupt belief system, but I do (for myself), and I just want to lose this weight so I can feel like a normal person again.  I’d give almost anything to speed up the process, but I need to snap out of all this Negative Nancy stuff; I’m fine, this is going to take awhile and I’m just going to have to be all right with it and not give up.  

Breakfast: no 

Lunch: out, Happy Teriyaki, cabbage salad with chicken, slivered almonds, carrots, radicchio and non fat sesame dressing.  This lunch was a total revelation- I’ve never had this salad before and it was INCREDIBLY delicious and satisfying.

Snacks: 1 serving reduced fat Wheat Thins with 1 slice swiss, 1 serving tortilla chips with salsa

Dinner: Salad with romaine, baby spinach, feta, tempeh, tomatoes, radishes, olives, carrots, red cabbage, balsamic vinaigrette

Water: 96 oz so far

Exercise: 2 miles with the dogs, 30 day shred, 40 minutes stationary bike (11.5 miles)

1000 miles in 2009: 129

Song of the Day: Needy Girl, by Chromeo

Daily awesome: My best friend in the world was recently and unceremoniously dumped by a man who she’s lived with for seven years, dated for nine and whom she thought she would marry.  She’s in her first year of grad school in Detroit (a big adjustment for a Northwest girl, even without the dissolution of her long-term relationship).  She is the most competent, hilarious and amazing person I know and I just found out today that she’s met someone and is seeing him very happily.  I’m so thrilled for her and I hope this will help her get over the hump.  Proud of her for moving on, even in the face of utter heartbreak.  When my long term, thought-I-might-marry-him relationship ended, I was a wreck for six years, gained 90 pounds and never was able to have a functional relationship again.  But Lynn, she’s back on the horse in six months- incredible!  

So. . . the movie theater is next door to the Chinese buffet and that’s where Kathy wanted to go, so we went and I actually managed to eat only sushi and vegetables, 1 helping, very reasonable.  I’m proud of staying on plan in the face of such a ridiculous temptation (coconut shrimp, buttered crab legs, lo mein, baked oysters with cream and cheese, oh my!) and am now watching one of my favorite horror movies with Noah (to make up for the fact that we didn’t see The Haunting in Connecticut, but rather I Love You Man, a very sweet romantic comedy), drinking tons of water. Today was a good day- nice to be back on the work routine with Noah, we got a ton of work done on our most pressing clients site and got a good start on another one.  I feel like myself completely today, sprang out of bed with vigor and all that- glad to have signed up for the weekly challenge.  I don’t really keep track of exercise minutes during the week, so it will be nice to have a mini-goal and also a reminder to drink more water.  I’m going to focus most on the food thing, because I think that will be the hardest part.  

Breakfast: tomato, 1 egg on wheat toast

Lunch: 1 cup spinach pasta with raw spinach, tomato sauce, chopped basil, olives, radishes, carrots

Dinner: chinese buffet: 8 pieces sushi with soy sauce (various kinds), 1 cup steamed zucchini, 1\2 cup chicken and broccoli

Snack: 1 serving low fat cheez-its

Exercise: 3 miles with dogs, 30 day shred, 30 minutes on the stationary bike (8.5 miles)

1000 miles in 2009: 115.5

Water: 92 oz and counting!

Song of the Day: Oxford Comma, by Vampire Weekend

Daily awesome: This is a site that calculates the amount of calories burned in particular activities, by weight and time. It’s very helpful if you’re keeping strict track of your exercise routine or just need some ballpark numbers to assess what your workout is doing for you.

So, I just signed up for the weekly challenge, 240 minutes of exercise and 80 oz of water per day and 5 days of clean eating.  So my guidelines are these: clean eating means eating fresh, healthy  food (approx. 70 percent raw veggies and lean protein), not over-eating anything.  I’d like to stay under 1600 calories per day, approximately.  Also, I’m not going to count dog walking as exercise, which means I have to do the 30 day shred plus 35 minutes of stationary bike for four days this week.  For the water thing, I’ve rinsed out one of the many diet pepsi bottles lying around the house.  They hold 24 oz, so I’ll drink four bottles per day.  80oz sounds like a lot, but now that I see it’s less then 4 of my usual water bottle, I think I probably drink that much daily anyhow, I don’t usually keep track.  I’m into the challenge though, it’s nice to have motivational incentive.  I’m on it!

Today is going great so far, but will write later with final breakdown.  

Well, I’m clawing my way back up and out of the shame spiral and trying to move on from my compulsively diet-sabotaging day yesterday.  It’s six pm here and I’m just now starting to feel like a normal person again, probably because I spent all day working out.  I’m trying not to act like a complete freakshow around the whole binge thing, but I woke up this morning and just needed to get seriously calorie blasting workout in.  I’ve been good for awhile on the diet (goodish anyhow) and I forgot how truly awful I feel when I eat like that.  I was headachy and grumpy all day and I couldn’t focus.  I really need to catch up with some of my friends, having been gone a week, but I just couldn’t bring myself to strike out into the world.  The food intake has been okay- I ate a bowl of spinach pasta with raw spinach and pesto this morning because I knew I was going to work out hard.  I’m going to have a big salad for dinner and drink another gallon of water and hopefully tomorrow I will feel back to normal.  I’m picking up Noah from the airport tonight, thank goodness, not only because I miss him but because we suddenly have more work then we can handle.  

Now it’s closer to 1 am- Noah successfully retrieved from the airport, catching-up plans made with neglected friends, several chapters of my book read.  A good day, all around, and boy did I need it after my crazy-making binge episode yesterday.  I am really noticing my age these days- the last time I lost a bunch of weight, I was, I think, maybe 23 or 24.  If I had been working out the way I am now, I would have dropped tonnage right away five years ago, but now it’s more difficult.  I know it will only become more and more difficult as I hit 30 and beyond, so I just need to persevere.  I’m just about the go-gettingest girl I know and this one thing has been stuck in my craw for so long, I just want to get it the hell done.  I know I’m probably looking at a 1-2 year process to get fully back into shape, since I’m not into super-restrictive crash dieting, but I just need to see some signs.  I know I am vaguely thinner, but I haven’t fully transitioned into the smaller-sized pants yet.  The muscles in my arms are growing more defined, but they’re still a lunch-lady monstrosity.  My stomach is still too horrific to contemplate, though it burns enough after the shred video that I know stuff has to be happening.  I just can’t believe I let it get this bad- arrggggh.  

It will be nice to work and spend time with Noah tomorrow.  He and I and some other friends are going to the movies tomorrow night (I’m pushing for the Haunting in Connecticut, but my friends don’t normally allow me to indulge in an obsessive guilty pleasure: horror movies, the harder the R rating the better) and we have to get a few projects on track during the day tomorrow.  My plan is to wake up early enough to get in another serious workout.  I’m very sore and tired today; I kind of feel like I overdid it, but I also feel good and also, it could just be because I had an overfull stomach.  Anyhoo, I’m going to try to get to sleep.

Breakfast: Raw spinach salad with pasta and pesto, tomatoes, olives, radishes

Lunch: no

Dinner: salad with mixed greens, spinach, tomatoes, radishes, olives, red cabbage, chicken, green onions, feta, green garlic dressing

Snack: about 2 servings low-fat Cheez-Its 

Exercise: 6 miles with the dogs, 30 day shred video, 40 minutes stationary bike (11.5 miles)

1000 miles in 2009: 104

Song of the Day: Sankofa, by Cassandra Wilson

Daily awesome:  NPR is doing it’s national fundraising drive.  Public radio is an incredible service to many of our communities; I give to my local station, KUOW, every year and y’all should do the same!  The This American Life website is pretty sweet, has an online donation station, podcasts (which are also available, and FREE, at the ITunes store) and info about the most incredible program on NPR (depending on your taste and where I am also, incidentally, trying to get an internship starting in December 09).  Also, like most other fanatic NPR listeners, I have a burning crush on Ira Glass.  He’s so geeky and dreamy.  

I had a totally fucked up binge today.  I can barely stand to write about it; I’m going to sleep on it and try not to freak out.  I just want to stay on track with food so much and before I started the diet plan up again, every time I would come home from my parents house, the following day I would get a bunch of shitty food, put on some movies and have a do-nothing day.  This trip, I told myself I was setting some new standards of behavior and I would not go into that cycle again.  I psyched myself up to have a nice normal day; workout, work (prospective client proposals), socialize, read.  But that’s not how it happened, folks.  Today, I was getting ready to do my 30 day shred video, but I literally stopped the DVD, put a jacket on, went to the store and got a bunch of shit, came home, ate SEVERAL unhealthy meals and snacks and now it’s 12 hours later and I am so distraught that I fucked up like this that I don’t even think I can sleep.  I did also stock my fridge with healthy food for the week, but this is little consolation.  I just really hate the idea of undoing my hard work and I know that I’m an all-or-nothing kind of gal.  I’m either dieting or I’m REALLY not and fuck ups like this are a very, very slippery slope.  Anyhow, I’m really upset, but I re-read a wonderful article by Bob Greene (yes, Oprah’s dietician/trainer- I know it’s corny, sue me), which details the benefits of just getting back on horse when you fall.  There are bound to be stumbles, I suppose, I just haven’t had a serious one like this in a while.  I’m upset about all the family stuff going on and it’s pretty illuminating to observe that food is still the first thing I go to, to soothe myself.  Which is really a behavior that stokes my anxiety to a fever pitch.  The food didn’t even taste good; I just needed a break from the responsibility of day-to-day life and eating so much trash I can barely leave the house is a way to isolate and remove myself from situations I find painful, confusing or upsetting.  I’m trying to think about unhealthy food like I do about alcohol: maybe some people can maintain a healthy relationship with it (like eating, say, a serving a potato chips instead of a whole bag) but I can’t and that makes it a completely toxic substance to me.  I feel so bloated and upset that I considered not writing about my worst day yet on the diet, but I’m trying really hard to remain committed to writing every day about my experience with this.  It’s helping me see the diet and lifestyle\physical change as a creative process, requiring inspiration and the application of pressure (deadlines, sizes, etc.).

Also, Joy: thanks so much for your concern and support about the situation with my lil sis (and everything else!)- much appreciated.

So, all right, horrible food breakdown ahead.  Here goes:

Breakfast: 1 slice quiche with eggs, milk, red cabbage, green cabbage, swiss cheese

Lunch: foot long subway sammy with chicken, cheese, dijon, honey mustard, all the usual veggies (obviously, extra tomatoes)

Dinner: Large bowl pasta and pesto with parmesean

Snacks: 1 slice swiss, 5 servings (approximately) potato chips, almost an entire large container of Whoppers

I honestly don’t know how I fit it all in.

Exercise: none

1000 miles in 2009: 85.5

Song of the Day: Paper Thin Walls, by Modest Mouse

Daily awesome: I haven’t read it all yet, but I’ve heard this article, by Mike Taibibi in the current Rolling Stone, about the economic crisis, is pretty amazing.

Horrific day- not with food or exercise, but with family craziness.  I ate a single slice of egg quiche today and that was it; I was too goddamn anxious.  My sister is in bad news trouble with her fiance- he got kind of violent with her this morning (he didn’t slap her around or anything, but he kicked down a door).  I’m finally home in Olympia, but now all I want is to be with her, helping my parents get her the hell away from her seriously emotionally disturbed boyfriend.  I’ll write more tomorrow.

Breakfast: slice of egg quiche with eggs, milk, mushrooms, red and green cabbage, swiss cheese

Exercise: 40 minutes stationary bike (11 miles)

1000 miles in 2009: 85.5

Song of the Day: Angel from Montgomery, the Susan Tedeschi version (though I love the John Prine\Bonnie Raitt\ Jackson Browne versions as well)

No daily awesome today.

Well, today was not great, food wise, but my binge was kind of planned.  I’ve been doing well, been writing every day for over two weeks and keeping up with my exercise.  My favorite Mexican restaurant ever is located over here, so I decided I would go celebrate not blowing my diet while in Yakima. . . by blowing my diet.  Not totally, I ate half my entree and a limited number of chips and salsa and I feel pretty fine.  I busted ass exercising today.  And, I worked out with my mom!  I’m usually so anxious about even having her in the house while I’m trying to exercise, but today, I thought: fuck this, I’m going for it.  She asked if she could do the shred with me, then she did, with a minimum of fanfare and no judgmental comments or glances.  I’m very impressed with her, because I’m sure it was a struggle to hold her tongue.  I don’t mean to give the impression that my mom is some Barbie, because she’s not- she always raised my sister and I to be independent feminists and she herself is an incredible, powerful woman who would never admit how much she values our looks as indicators of our success.  Also, my mother and I have a very different relationship than hers with my brother or sister.  She compulsively undermines me and I have a deep-seated, nearly-subconscious-at-this-point, need to rebel against her.  She is always encouraging me to lose weight and I know she wants the best for me but it is also threatening to her when I do feel confident or look attractive, as those are the times she perceives my threat to be the greatest; those times are when I have rebelled most strongly against her in the past.  Any time I seem too confident or am excited about a new guy or something, she makes sure to insert a cutting comment into her positive proclamations.  Our relationship is complicated, but working out with her today is a big step.  She’s had other things on her mind with all the craziness of the past few days (me, too).  I love my mom and we actually get along wonderfully and have many common interests, but there are certain triggers that still up shit from the past and there are some areas where the relationship could still be improved.  But I’m not saying I know what I would do without her, because I absolutely DON’T.  

I am so excited to get home tomorrow.  I was supposed to be home yesterday afternoon, but it’s looking like I won’t be home until late-ish tomorrow night.  My sister was going to drive me (this would normally not be an issue, but I rode over her with here after she came to Oly for my movie, so I don’t have my own car), but she now has to stay here to manage the radical personnel shifts at The Seasons, to do some damage control.  So I’m going with my mother, who has to detour an hour out of her way to get me home on her way to Seattle.  It’s so insane that I still live in such a small town and now my parents live most of the time in Yakima, though we still have our Seattle house, the one I grew up in.  My parents are having financial problems right now, which really scares me.  They were poor(ish) artists when I was younger, but since I was in high school, they’ve been pretty well off, but my dad owns a home construction business and has put literally hundreds of thousands of dollars into the Seasons, a non-profit jazz venue.  It’s of great concern to me that our family might not successfully weather this economic downturn, but I suppose everyone is in the same boat right now and I have a lot of faith in the new administration to make aggressive, righting-the-ship type changes (yes we can!) and I hope this thing will straighten itself out within the next two years.  Speaking of the cash money, I’m taking myself to the casino (they sent me a voucher) as soon as I get home, to blow off steam- I’m going to drink a ton of free diet pepsi and hopefully coax those slots into buying mama a new pair of shoes (actually, a fancy purse)!  

I’m kind of generally irritated with myself today- I know better than to EVER use food as a reward, but I didn’t go too overboard and this has been an extremely successful visit to my parents house, with no other major slip ups, consistent exercise and peace with my mom.  

Breakfast: 2 scrambled eggs with 1 cup spinach, 1 slice swiss cheese

Lunch: nope

snack: 13 cashews

Dinner: (El Mirador, you saucy temptress!) 1\2 fajita quesadilla with steak, 1\2 cup rice, 1\4 cup beans, sour cream, guacamole, sliced tomatoes, lettuce, about 20 chips and salsa

Exercise: 30 day shred, 40 minutes on the stationary bike (11 miles), short dog walk (.5 miles)- I don’t walk them so strenuously here because there’s an area very close to my parents house where they can just run, chase tennis balls etc. and there aren’t too many nice walking paths like we have at home.

1000 miles in 2009: 74.5

Song of the Day: Hot Child in the City, by Nick Glider (or whatever the hell that guys name is)

Daily awesome: Fabulous design, crafting and ceramics blog Bloesem- I wish I had a refined, cultured sensibility like the sophisticated writer of this blog, but I’m really quite crass

Well, it was an absolutely insane day today.  I learned my uncle has terminal cancer (3-6 months).  The director of my dad’s music venue unexpectedly and crazily resigned today, which means I have to stay an extra day here to help out.  This all happened before 9 am.  I am trying to keep things cool, as far as my diet goes- it’s so easy to get thrown off a diet routine or to invent excuses not to work out, not to eat healthy and I am a true master at doing that.  Coming over here usually throws me off my diet for at least a week and I was (and remain) determined not to let that happen this time.  It’s not even 11 pm and I am already fantasizing about a warm bath and a dog-filled bed.  I can’t even get into what’s going on over here without supplying miles of backstory so I’ll just save it until I have the time and energy to get into it.  Decent food and exercise day today, all things considered.

Breakfast: 2 eggs with 1 cup spinach, 1 slice swiss cheese

Lunch: 2 mini muffins my sister made (bran), 1 bag sun chips (140 calories, 6 grams fat), 1 oz cashews (I counted those fuckers)

Dinner: 5 baked oysters with spinach, bacon and onion, 1 cup rice with soy sauce, large helping spinach salad with radishes, cucumber, feta, pine nuts, radicchio, balsamic vinaigrette, 2 small oatmeal cookies

Exercise: .5 miles with the dogs (sorry guys), 30 day shred, 20 minutes stationary bike ( 5.5 miles)

1000 miles in 2009: 63

Song of the Day: Rip Her to Shreds, by Blondie

Daily awesome: Homestarrunner.com!  Everybody! Everybody!

Well, today was not as good as yesterday, but I have not fully blown my diet.  It’s uncanny here- I feel so bloated and unattractive and dejected.  I know it’s just my complicated relationship with my family, but I can’t help but to go into a shame spiral about my fatness every time I get over here.  And yet I’m also too self-conscious to work out in front of my parents (they weren’t around yesterday when I did the video and the bike).   It’s fucked up and I have to just get over it-  I want and need to do my full exercise routine tomorrow and I’m going to try not to let my anxiety over my mother seeing me sweating and fat in my workout clothes get to me.  Anyhow, bottom line is that I did not work out today.  And I ate a lot of nuts (yeah, buddy).  Seriously, though, cashews- why the hell does my mom ALWAYS have a gigantic container of them in her pantry?  I snacked on them a little bit today and I’m disappointed, but I can move on.  I knew that it was risky to come over here for five days with very little agenda except to get ready for the craft fair- lots of opportunities to blow my diet.  Not to mention the influence of my ex-bulimic, now pregnant sister, who is in her first trimester and literally CANNOT stop eating (and not regular food either- she has become a frequent visitor to Jack in the Box, Burger King, Taco Time, The Old Country Buffet and other insane places like that).  I’m just trying to keep it cool, so I’m not going to freak out over a few extra nuts, though I’m sure they made a serious (and seriously effed) difference in my calories today.  I’m getting over it, trying to go to sleep early and get a healthy start tomorrow.

Breakfast: 1 leftover taco- ground beef, cheese, onions, lettuce, sliced tomatoes

Lunch: 6 inch subway sammy with chicken breast, cheese, dijon, honey mustard, pickles, olives, tomatoes, lettuce, onions

Dinner: Homemade broccoli and cheddar soup (thanks, Mom!), about 1 cup, salad with spinach and red leaf lettuce, pine nuts, sliced pot roast, cucumbers, radishes, tomatoes, sprouts, feta, balsamic vinaigrette

Snack: many cashews throughout the day, maybe 3 or 4 ounces (yeesh)

Exercise: 2 miles with the dogs

1000 miles in 2009: 57

Song of the Day: Alarm Call, by Bjork

Daily awesome: Here are Self Magazine’s 20 Weight Loss Foods.  I’m thinking about shifting my diet into higher gear in terms of food (this means a crackdown on salad dressing fat, unfortunately) so I’ve been looking into what stuff to fill my kitchen with.  This is a pretty comprehensive list, with recipe suggestions, too!