Today was the last of my down time, and starting tomorrow, I have a hectic week of work meetings (yes, 2 on Presidents day alone- not to mention the rest of the week), school deadlines, familial birthdays and promoting the movie.  Coming up, we are doing a screening in a local high school, which should certainly be interesting.  On thursday, I’ll be going to Yakima to see my parents\complete a series of interviews with my pre-senile-dementia-addled grandmother\meet with the manager of the performance venue my dad owns about the website we made for them.  Also coming up in the next ten days: my fathers birthday, my brothers birthday, my business partners birthday, my best and oldest friends birthday and a good friend of mine’s baby shower. Also, my sister just got engaged.

I always have a hard time, food wise, at my parents house.  My mother compulsively cooks unhealthy meals and then berates my father for eating them- that’s how their relationship works and my relationship with her takes on a bit of that element as well, when I’m around her.  I get anxious around them, is really the biggest problem, and it makes me want to eat a bunch of shitty food, because I don’t have the option of just getting hammered any more.  But, that’s a few days away, so I have some time to mentally prepare myself.  If there’s one thing my mother is, it’s a compulsive exerciser and I know she is always an available, supportive dog walking/gym companion.  The flipside of that is that she is hysterically critical of me, but hopefully that will be on a lower-than-usual setting.

Also, I am just DYING for some chips and salsa right now, but I know if I start eating that garbage, I won’t be able to stop.  

Breakfast: none (bad call)

lunch: salad with tempeh, olives, radishes, broccoli, goat cheese, tomatoes, radicchio.

Dinner: left over stir fry from yesterda, about one cup.

Exercise: 40 minutes on the stationary bike, walk around neighborhood with dogs, weights, situps, stretching

Another good day today, got work and homework done, took care of a few errands.  Staying motivated, trying to stay positive and cigarette free.

Breakfast: balance bar

Lunch: chicken breast with two sliced tomatoes

Dinner: Stir fry with chicken, broccoli, mushrooms, zucchini, bean sprouts, carrots, celery, green and red cabbage.

Exercise: 6 miles with dogs, 40 minutes on the stationary bike, weights, situps, stretching.

Today was basically excellent, as far as fairly relaxing, no-school-or-work days go.  I tried to really get mentally aboard the new diet regime and think about the actual reasons that losing weight is important to me.  These reasons include (but are not limited to): I want to live a long life, reduce chaos in my life in general (binging and chaotic eating habits are a major factor in my feeling of being disorganized and out of control), not feel super anxious during sex, look attractive in my clothes, not feel ashamed at work presentations or other public functions, not feel like the fattest, spinsterest grandchild when I’m at family events and start playing basketball and swimming again.  I’m also in the process of devising a reward system, for this whole process, mostly involving expensive purses and new tattoos.  I feel like I’m really ready for this to happen and to commit to it.  My brother has been having some sophmore-at-a-musical-conservatory, to-be-expected problems with drugs and booze and I’ve told him a thousand times that if he can’t quit for six months with no problems, then he has a problem and basically has to quit. That’s how I feel about this eating situation; I can’t keep away from the salty, fatty, sweet stuff for even a month- I DEFINITELY have a problem and I’m putting that thing on lockdown.  Anyhow, it was a good day; I got a lot of homework done, did some writing and some more research on grad school stuff, cleaned out a closet, ate acceptably.

Food breakdown:

Breakfast: 1 balance bar, 1 tomato

Lunch: 1 1\2 cups leftover pasta from last night: tomatoes, basil, chicken, olives, garlic, olive oil, goat cheese.  

Dinner: salad with tempeh, olives, carrots, radicchio, broccoli, garbanzo beans, goat cheese, beats, balsamic dressing.

Exercise: 2 forty-minute sessions on the stationary bike, weights, situps, stretching, 3 mile walk with the dogs.  

Well, I didn’t think I was ever going to get back into this blog- I honestly have barely had two seconds to myself in the past six months; my startup business really took off, I finished my movie and am in talks to have it distributed and I am now in the very last home stretch at school.  There have also been a couple of boyfriends, a booming social life and my continued sobriety to maintain.  I am, however, still fat and mostly miserable.  I think I’ve lost about fifteen\20 pounds (and a pants size)since last May, but that’s hardly even a start when you need to lose 90.  

For the first few months last year, this blog really helped me and then I just flew off track.  I have problems keeping myself organized when I don’t have much going on, and when I’m busy, it just gets worse.  This has been the most fulfilling year of my life; the only thing that could have made it better was if I also had been able to lose the very nearly person-sized amount of weight I need to lose.  I have to do that in the next year and a half, before I turn 30; my 20’s might have been mostly a wash, body-wise, but my 30’s will not be.  I need my sexual confidence back, I need my athletic confidence back and I need to be able to showcase my sassy sense of style in a size lower than 18.  It’s already too late to lose a bunch of weight before the summer, but my new goals are these: size 16 by June 15th, size 14 by September 15th, and size 12 by October 25th (my 29th birthday).  From there I will at least be within reach of my goal of once again reclaiming my size ten hotness of past years.  I bought a scale a few months ago and then promptly gave it to Goodwill.  It’s either depressing or the cause of a 4-times a day obsession and I don’t want either of those things.  I just need to get a fresh start on the weight loss thing today. . . I know how it’s done: eat less, eat better, exercise like crazy, drink a shitload of water and take a ton of vitamins.  It’s worked for me in the past and it will work again and I always know by how my clothes fit.  My kitchen is usually fairly stocked with healthy food, but lately I’ve been having days again where I’ll binge on junk and whole weeks will pass without exercise (save for walking my darling pooches); I’m not totally off the wagon, still a devout salad-eater and all that, but I’m in a holding pattern at best.  I lost 20 pounds over the course of four months last year and I’ve been stuck since then.  So!  I feel better already, having voiced my intentions into the blogosphere; I have to keep myself accountable and just get into the rhythm of it.  Also, no more eating out.  Also, my other bad habits that need to be addressed are contributing to the problem: I drink 4 24-ounce Diet Pepsi’s each day and I usually smoke about ten cigarettes.  I’m actually in the process of quitting smoking right now (day 7!) but I’ve done that six or seven times over the past few years and it has yet to really stick.We’ll see this time around.  The diet pepsi is no good, but I am totally addicted to it.  I need the caffeine and I love the taste.  I’m not going to worry about that one for now as long as I’m drinking a ton of water as well.  I’m going to try to keep it at two bottles of DP per day.  Anyhow, my food breakdown for the day goes as so:

Breakfast: half cup granola with 1 cup maple yogurt.

Lunch: salad with sauteed tempeh, carrots, radishes, olives, tomatoes, radicchio, sprouts, 2 slices sharp cheddar, goddess dressing.

Unacceptable snack: half a bag of those yellow goldfish crackers.  Also, a tomato and an orange (acceptable).

Dinner: to be made after I write this and will be comprised of 2 cups whole wheat pasta, tomatoes, chopped basil, olive oil and garlic and crumbled goat cheese, with a chicken breast. 

Exercise: 1 hour on the stationary bike, plus free weights and stretching.  Also, approx. 2 miles with the dogs.  

Already, I feel like I ate a lot today (full fat yogurt and salad dressing, granola- usually it’s grape nuts, which are better, but I don’t have any right now- the goddamn goldfish), but I’m going to let it go and be back on track tomorrow.  Glad to be back here on 3fatchicks; I’m hopeful that this is going to be my year for substantial weight loss.