I’m so busy right now and I have a lot of crazy family stuff going on.  The past few days I’ve eaten like garbage.  I have to get back on track- I’m freaking out.  I can’t keep eating like this or I will undo all my hard-won progress.  Hopefully, I will have time to recollect this weekend, because i MUST get my head on straight.  It’s almost July.  My birthday is in late October, and I intend to lose a shitload of weight before then and not just in my fantasy life- in reality, through diet and exercise.  I feel so much better and happier when I’m working out a lot and eating plenty of fresh, healthy food, so why the hell am I smoking cigarettes and eating Baked Lays? I need to get my shit together (it is the name of my blog after all).

I had a total binge today- ate at a Chinese buffet, shoveled half a bag of potato chips down my throat, ate an entire bag of frosted animal cookies and half of one of those mini-wheels of brie.  What the fuck?!!  I was feeling upset today and a little shell-shocked from the family weekend.  I definitely have not had a day like this since I started this diet.  I feel like garbage, but I’m going to dust myself off and move on starting tomorrow.  I’m trying to drink a ton of water right now, to flush at least some of the nastiness I’ve consumed today.  I did not eat a single vegetable today (not even a tomato!), did not exercise, went to the movies and to the aforementioned Chinese smorgasbord lunch with one of my girlfriends.  Should have been the perfect relaxing, post-family-stress day and it would have been if I had treated my physical and emotional health with any respect.  This will NOT happen again anytime soon; I forgot how miserable it makes me.  

Everything went fine tonight- not my best meal ever, but definitely good.  My dad was pleased.  There is some really serious stuff going on with my grandmother right now, so the whole family is up in arms, but I’ll write about that tomorrow when I have even a iota of energy to spare.  Food breakdown: no breakfast, lunch was chicken\rice salad, dinner was a little of everything- 4 medium slices flank steak, serving of yakisoba noodles with veggies, coleslaw with cucumbers and red onions, 1 curried chicken skewer, three spring rolls (egg, bean sprouts, mung bean noodles, basil, chives- dipped in oyster sauce, not fried.  we used these insane rice paper spring roll wrappers, that have an amazing fresh taste- i’m totally going to use them in future culinary endeavors).  40 minutes on the stationary bike this morning.  A good day.  Also, thanks, ladies, for the supportive comments!  Will write soon, everyone stay the course, keep up the good work.

Yesterday and today were fine, considering I am with my family.  My mother has been baking cookies all week, for our fathers day celebration, so the house is filled with baked goods and stuff like lasagna.  I’ve been managing so far, but I have definitely eaten a few cookies (well, like 4 today).  Food breakdown: one egg on flax toast for breakfast, rice salad with chicken breast, celery and walnuts for lunch, plus two handfuls of Sunchips.  Dinner was an appetizer plate at the event we had to go to at the performance venue my parents own: grape tomatoes, black olives, gouda and crackers, pickled asparagus (yum!).  Came home and did some snacking- handful of smoked almonds, four cookies, a tomato.  Yesterday, I ate a sandwich for breakfast with basil, turkey breast, low fat cheese, sliced tomato and light mayo, that chicken\rice salad in the evening and a cooked hamburger (no bun), with, of course, a tomato.  I am still away from home, taking a break from prepping all the food we’ll need to prepare the dinner tomorrow.  We’re making an asian-ish meal: chicken spring rolls with mung bean noodles, cabbage, carrot, egg and a sauce buffet (oyster sauce, homemade peanut and teriyaki sauce, sweet chili etc.), thai-spiced chicken skewers, sesame coleslaw.  The main course is going to be marinated flank steak with fresh veggie yakisoba (bok choy, napa cabbage, broccoli, carrots, baby corn, water chestnuts).  For dessert, I’m trying out a recipe I’ve never used before: coconut rice pudding, with a mango\chili salad (which I HAVE made before).  I’m excited to spend the day cooking, then Monday morning I’m heading home, thank god, to return to my normal routine.  It’s really hard for me to maintain my diet plan when I’m away from home, but I’m going to be doing something I really enjoy, all day tomorrow, and since I have complete control of the house kitchen, I’m going to cook what I want for myself, at my scheduled time (eggs and greens for breakfast, salad for lunch etc.).  That’s my plan and I’m sticking to it.  

I am really struggling right now.  I’m having trouble sticking to my diet, have been lazy this week, not feeling organized or invigorated.  I need to reel it in, get things back under control before they completely fly out of my grasp.  It’s been a little five weeks since I started this blog and I’m down about ten pounds.  But that progress can all be undone in a few weeks if I don’t get my shit back together.  I’m going away this weekend with my family, for a fathers day celebration.  Going to be fun, except I’m preparing an elaborate meal for about fifteen people on Sunday night.  I’m going to take some time, go on a solo hike, relax, refocus.  I don’t even have the energy to get into a food breakdown today, but I need to start doing that EVERY day again, just so that I feel accountable.  I’m frustrated, because I know about a month in is when my resolve starts to waver, and I just need to push on through this hard time by strictly following my loose food plan (lots of vegetables, raw foods, nothing too processed or fatty), planning out my meals each day and doing more cooking.  I’ve been so busy this week that I’ve been eating out all the time and eating things like defrost-and-bake lasagna and other general horribleness.  I love to cook and I know how to prepare healthy food that I enjoy and I also love to exercise and have always been a generally active girl.  Even when I’m not doing strenuous workouts, I’m always walking.  But walking is going to cut it if I’m going to get as fit as I want to be.  I have to get back on my workout schedule as well.  I’m getting fired up.  Tomorrow before I leave for the weekend, I’m going to tidy up the house, go swimming at the college and do a few things that I know will make me feel more centered and re-focused.  

Well, I finally finished my quarter in school and we are taking a five day break from making the movie because my partner is in San Francisco, so I actually have a little time to rest and regroup.  I haven’t been writing the past several days- super busy, eating out for almost every meal.  I’ve been making healthy choices, for the most part and not overeating.  I finally, last night, re-stocked my fridge and pantry with essentials (tomatoes!!), so now I have a healthy smorgasbord of options from which to craft a meal.  I didn’t exercise over the weekend and I’m probably going to take today off as well, because I desperately need to be lazy but tomorrow I’m going to be sure to get in a punishing workout and get back on track.  Things are going well, I’m still losing weight, but it’s slower then I would like.  I’ll write later today with final food breakdown.  

A bad, long frustrating day, in every way.  Food breakdown: for lunch I ate a sandwich with chicken, lettuce, olives, pickles, tomatoes, mustard, vinegar.  I had a can of soup at about 4, half a power bar at seven, and a bowl of pasta with chicken and fresh basil at 9.  This has been an extremely long week and I am looking forward to some R and R time this weekend.  Today is already looking better then yesterday, but I’ll write more tonight.

Food breakdown: this morning I ate toast with margarine, 1 egg, sliced chicken breast and spinach.  Just now I ate a sandwich with chicken breast, olives, spinach and light mayo.  It’s almost 4 am and I shouldn’t be eating right before I go to bed, but I was motoring around all day at a fever pitch.  No exercise today, no exercise for the dogs either- it’s a rare day that I don’t spend at least an hour exercising them and I feel truly horrible when it happens.  Sorry, guys!  I need to eat normally tomorrow, not have a twenty hour stretch with no food and then scarf a sammy in the middle of the night.  I know that I didn’t OVEReat today, but keeping such an erratic eating schedule will ultimately lead me to binge if I keep it up.  Should be less hectic tomorrow.

Busy, busy, busy.  Today I ate the super salad for lunch at my favorite cafe: tempeh, olives, romaine, spinach, chickpeas, tomatoes, feta, onions, broccoli, light balsamic vinaigrette.  At 10:30 I ate falafel in half a pita with sprouts, tomatoes and light ranch dressing.  Dinner was extremely late and wolfed during the penultimate episode of Top Chef, my favorite show, which I have to watch at my friends house, as I don’t have cable (too expensive, too much of a time-waster).  No exercise today, except a quick dog walk in the a.m.  At another, less-tired date, I’m sure I will be overcome with the urge to write about my deep and abiding love of Top Chef, but tonight is not the night for that, as it’s 3 am and I have to wake up at 8. Another busy one coming up tomorrow:  I am planning a huge fundraiser for some activist friends of mine who have incurred some very high legal costs defending themselves against some totally bogus charges, so I have tons to do for that, as well as turning in all my schoolwork for the quarter, doing two interviews, addressing some issues with our films website and shopping for a bridal shower present for a girl I hardly know.  There’s other stuff I have to do tomorrow, I’m sure, but the last thing I want to make is another list.  Hopefully, I’ll be able to get some sleep tonight and rest my addled brain.  

Today was a good day.  Food breakdown: 1 egg for breakfast, with tabasco sauce and a tomato.  Lunch was a salad with 4oz flank steak, 1oz blue cheese, tomatos, cucumbers, 1\2 avocado, red onions.  Dinner was raw spinach with 1 egg and a sliced chicken breast with light balsamic vinaigrette.  2 string cheeses for snacks during the day.  40 minutes on the stationary bike, walk with the dogs (short one, though), weights and situps.  I felt pretty good today, re-motivated- less anxious and ravenous then I’ve been the past week.  It’s the last week of my quarter at school, so the next couple of days will be busy enough to get me over the hump, eating wise.  If I have a lot going on, I usually don’t feel compelled to eat a lot of garbage and if I can sublimate that self-sabotaging desire for the next week or so, I’ll REALLY feel back on track.  I’m crossing my fingers for another good one tomorrow.