It was gorgeous here today.  Food breakdown: breakfast was cottage cheese and a tomato.  Lunch was a sandwich with chicken, onions, tomatoes, spinach, olives.  Dinner was a shitload of rice crackers and a mango.  And I just ate a whole bunch of nori.  Did a long, sunny, sweaty walk with the dogs.  Not a bad day. 

In awesome trash-tv, don’t-judge-me, guilty-pleasure-addictions news, Whitney, the ‘plus sized’ model on America’s Next Top Model won tonight.  Everyone acts like she’s some sort of scientific anomaly, a hippopotamus that can stomp a runway, and I totally call bullshit on that (she’s a normal sized, hot-ass girl), but at least she IS normal and confident and reasonably nice to the other girls and sassy, or so the CW editing team would have us believe.  Like they say in AA, progress not perfection- and any recognition of the more regular girl (rather than stick insects) in such a backwards industry is a step in the right direction.  In news related to my actual life, it was a pretty decent food and exercise day.  Had cottage cheese and a tomato for breakfast, a busy afternoon and four diet pepsis for lunch, and for dinner a salad from Subway (too lazy and harried to even make my own salad- for shame) with chicken breast, cheese (those horrible white triangles that are somehow, grossly, delicious), onions, cucumbers, spinach, tomatoes, olives and vinaigrette.  I thought I was done for the day after that, but then ate a somewhat anemic mango with chili powder and lime, with lite cool whip (don’t knock it till you try it- seriously, it’s delicious).  40 minutes on the stationary bike, situps, weights, a walk with the dogs.  A good day, all around, and it was beautiful outside.  My house is filthy and over-run with the summer onset of hideously creepy wolf spiders- need to do another spring cleaning tomorrow or this weekend and vacuum up all their broken legs that have flown off as I whack them off the walls and into the carpet with rolled up magazines.  Less time watching silly reality television programs, more time taking care of business, perhaps?  A lot of my girlfriends say that watching ANTM is demoralizing, makes them obsess about their looks- it’s actually encouraging and entertaining to me.  The aspiring models may be pretty or skinny or whatever is passing for the insane standard of beauty\fascist regime we’re living under these days, but at least I can somewhat competently string a sentence together and could, if asked, identify Iran on a globe.  I find it heartening to feel myself so far outside the standard these days, if these girls are any representation of it.  The way those models look and behave is just SO fucking far from any way I would want to be (except Whitney, who totally has the body I want and, once upon a time, had, or a facsimile thereof)- yes, I totally want to lose weight and get pretty again, but I don’t look covetously on size two’s or wish I could feel my spine through my bellybutton.  When I was a size ten or twelve, I didn’t obsess about my weight- I generally ate healthfully and exercised and had an enjoyable sex life and didn’t fret over every tiny bulge or dimple.  I want to get back to that place again, where I have a healthy lifestyle and a healthy body.  I’m trying to recapture my body confidence.  I feel like I’m back on track again, even with some slip ups, just need to put my head down and power through.   I oppose the weird ideal that shows like this promote in principle, but dammit, I like to be entertained.  Every time I watch it, I feel dirty afterward, like I should hang up my feminist spurs.  The shows that are truly demoralizing to me are the ones where people are displaying excellence which they have earned through hard-work and perseverance (like Top Chef, Project Runway- yes, I freaking love bravo; lucky thing I don’t have cable and can only watch those two when I’m on my parents couch)- that’s what I feel jealous of and worry that I will never achieve.  One day, I intend to be competently excellent at something or somethings.  And when I am, I certainly won’t take it onto reality tv.  Also, to ramsayskitchennightmare- which one is your blog?  I’d love to check it out.  Thanks for the nice comment and the pasta commiseration

Well, today was much better then Sunday, but I did have a teensy little problem with pasta.  Whole wheat pasta, yes, but pasta nonetheless.  I love the stuff- LOVE IT- and on all other diets I have tried, I have tried to incorporate it and it has led to a fall off the path to a smaller ass.  I don’t know what I was thinking cooking it tonight, but I just wanted something substantial- I really wanted lasagna or something decadent (read: self-sabotaging) but figured I would compromise and cook a small amount (enough for dinner and two leftover meals) and keep it light.  Unfortunately, I ate the whole batch in one fell swoop.  While this is not a complete disaster, I am pretty unhappy about it and now I feel like I have a big wheaty, carby lump in my stomach.  I need to maintain the training wheels diet that I’ve been trying to follow- eating only healthy foods that I really like (salads, stir-fries, fruit, lots of raw or almost raw food, lean protein) and not branch out.  I actually have lost some weight, I’m into some jeans that were super-tight a few weeks ago, but I feel like i was just getting rolling and already I’ve had several days where I let things get away from me.  No more!!  I’m sticking to the plan.  Today’s food breakdown goes as such:  no breakfast, lunch was the ’super salad’ at my favorite lunch place (best salad ever: romaine, spinach, chickpeas, sauteed tempeh, tomatoes, broccoli, cucumbers, cilantro, balsamic vinaigrette), dinner was the accursed pasta with tomatoes, onions and chicken sausage.  I also need to work on eating breakfast and healthy snacks throughout the day.  I am one of those hardly-functional-in-the-morning people who has trouble carrying on intelligent conversation before lunch and when I eat breakfast, it’s never because I’m actually hungry and always because I have time and think that I should.  I just need to get in the habit of it; when I think about it, I know I always feel better when I eat immediately after I first wake up.  I’m also thinking of switching up the exercise routine- I generally exercise at night, because that’s when I’m at my perkiest.  But I bet it would have a more beneficial effect on my day if I worked out in the morning, as I usually feel invigorated.  I generally walk and exercise the dogs in the first half of the day, but I don’t consider that real exercise, though I do like to walk.  It’s just so hard for me to DO anything in the morning- usually, I’m just doing various work-related stuff on the computer and I don’t have to go out and do interviews or have meetings until later in the day.  I don’t know. . . I’ll probably try to start working out in the morning, but if I don’t, I’m not going to beat myself up about it.  I always like to work out at night and usually am good about sticking to that.  Tonight it hasn’t happened yet, but I’m all suited up and ready to go after I finish this bad boy.  Which is right now.  

Well, I’m batting .500 as far as my family weekend went.  Yesterday was almost a complete disaster- I did, in fact, stuff my face a bit too much.  It was one of those cumulative effects- a few handfuls of crackers here, a lemon bar there.  I think it’s the combination of the anxiety of family dynamics and a deep (and deeply wrong) feeling that food eaten outside my normal home routine doesn’t count somehow.  I’m too tired to describe anything in detail so here’s the food breakdown.  Sunday: no breakfast.  Constant snacking all day: approx. 5 lemon bars, 3 pieces cheese,  approx. 5 servings reduced fat wheat thins.  Large dinner of paella and salad(me and my sister spent an enjoyable day making the mothers day dinner and getting some much needed sibling quality time) and lots of sliced strawberries.   Today I ate leftover paella for breakfast (small serving) and a large salad with sauteed prawns, chickpeas, cilantro, mushrooms, sprouts).  No exercise today or yesterday (god damn it), save for some dog park meandering.  Better day coming up  tomorrow, though it will be a very busy one.  First order of business is to kick out a hard workout to make myself feel re-centered, then healthy meals during the day.

Well, I’m back on track.  Decent day today, though I didn’t drink as much water as I should’ve.  Breakfast:  tomato on the run.  Lunch with my work partner: salad with basil vinaigrette, mozzarella, soppressata, roast chicken, tomatos, onions, two small pieces bread.  Snack:  tomato.  Dinner: salad with teriyaki tuna (one of those crazy, pre-marinated pouches), radishes, radicchio, sprouts, low-fat asian vinaigrette.  By the way, for any readers out there in the vast expanse of cyberspace, kraft low-fat asian sesame vinaigrette is the absolute bees knees for dieters.  Not at all oily, six grams of fat per serving, totally fucking delicious.  I had forgotten all about it until I saw it on sale after I worked all day today.  I was a little bit harried and I was aimlessly wandering down aisles and tossing random items into my basket- then I saw it, like an oasis in the desert.   My favorite dressing ever, which I forgot all about for, like, two years.  I practically licked it from my fingers when I was done- highly recommended!   Exercise was not great today, took the dogs to the dog park instead of for a walk, going to ride the stationary bike later tonight.                Also, to Joy and anyone else who has left a kind and thoughtful comment: thank you, thank you, thank you.  I was hesitant and judgmental about the whole blog format\online weightloss community- turns out it is so amazing to feel like you’re surrounded by people who understand what you’re going through.  Good luck to all of you with your own trim-the-fat programs and thank you again, it really helps

God damn it. I couldn’t even make it a week without a bad day- today was not filled with any particularly unhealthy foodstuffs but I did over eat in every other possible way.  I’m feeling very gloom and doom right now but I’m going to wake up tomorrow and just move on.  What didn’t I eat today. . . had a tomato on rye bread this morning (open faced) and a spinach salad with goat cheese, onions, radishes, pine nuts and pancetta for lunch.  Things were going well until I got home from my day today (which actually was wonderful- took the dogs on a beautiful, albeit short-ish hike- 3 and a half miles and also to my friends property so they could run around, had lunch with the ladyfriends, got some work done, enjoyed the sunshine).  This evening, I ate: the remainder of the rice dish from yesterday (which was more in and of itself then I should have eaten for the evening), a sandwich with hummus, tomatoes, sprouts, radishes, then three tablespoons of cream cheese frosting (old, totally disgusting, threw it away after, felt very dirty) and a whole package of lowfat sausage tortellini, with sauteed tomatoes and onions.  Went for that hike for exercise and actually sweated up a storm, tried keep a good pace, very hilly (my miniature pinscher, Klaus, rode in the backpack part of the way, the lazy bastard, while Lucy, the great dane mix, charged over hill and dale like the smoke monster from Lost).  I am far too bloated and pissed at myself to now ride the stationary bike.  Whatever, things have been going fine so far this week, I just have to snap out of it tomorrow, get immediately back on track.  At least I didn’t eat any cake, cookies or candy or any of the other enticingly gross food groups.  But I still feel disgusting and a big part of this whole thing for me is portion control.  I want to be able to eat a normal amount of food and not feel starved (well, I’m not a calorie counter, per say, but right now I’m trying to stay under 1600 calories or so, as a general rule) and eating a ton of any kind of food is good for no one.  I’m motivated, I’m doing this thing, I just fucked up today.  Trying really hard to convince myself it’s not the end of the world.  Moving on. 

Very busy day today; didn’t eat breakfast or lunch, instead ate an apple and a tomato at 2.30, generally ran around all day like a chicken with my head cut off.  Dinner with friends, ate two healthy-ish enchiladas (chicken, beans, jalapenos, tomatoes, sauce, light and lite pepper jack on top) and a new rice recipe I tried out and now think is a keeper.  Chorizo, scallops, tomatoes, snap peas, saffron, little heavy on the oil for normal diet usage but if I reduce it by half and use brown rice, it would still be tasty and semi-healthy.  Exercised minimally today- 20 minutes on the stationary bike, short walk with dogs (maybe one mile, tops- sorry guys).  Feeling fairly positive about the diet but also the past couple of days have been reading the truly incredible Julie and Julia, by Julie Powell- a woman whose lifestyle (and sense of frustration with the late-20s malaise) and sense of humor is uncannily similar to my own.  In in she describes the project that changed her life- cooking every recipe in Julia Childs’ Mastering the Art of French cooking, in a year, beginning a blog about it and essentially regaining her zest and creative energy.  It also made her semi-famous and gave her an avenue into getting paid to do what she loves (writing).  The book also has set visions of Coq au Vins and Lobster in buerre blanc dancing through my brain.  But no!!  I am remaining steadfast, staying the course.  I need to get this fucking thing done this time.    Today went all right, food-wise, but that was a sweet surprise, considering I set myself up for binge behavior by not eating during the day.  This is a problem I have had often- I’ll be busy or engrossed in something all day and put off eating until I’m starved and ready to tip every processed food bag and box into my grocery cart and then eat my ravenous way through every one.  It’s important to eat regularly during the day because my commitment to my diet wavers crazily on the edge of nonexistent when I don’t start out with a healthy mindframe (like ‘okay, well I’ve eaten a healthy, energy-providing breakfast and no one wants to blow it after that’).  I need to watch that shit because hungry evenings are traditionally the times when I eat the most and feel the worst.  Stopped myself from going to town on the enchiladas, but it was a close shave.   

Breakfast: grapenuts and vanilla yogurt, one apple.  no lunch.  Large salad for dinner with chicken and the usual veggies.  About midnight, I ate about half a carton of lowfat cottage cheese and a couple slices of actual cheese and four cocktail olives.  Drank a shitload of water today.  Unfortunately, no strenuous exercise, but I did walk with the dogs.  Finished my mothers day present for my wonderful mother (even if she is a bit of a passive aggressive monster when it comes to having a fat daughter), did some writing- a pretty good day, but now I’m laying in bed, obsessing about the no-stationary-bike-or-weights situation.  Oh well, I’m over it.  Onwards and upwards.

I feel  pretty proud of myself for not burying my face in the trough today because the one time I left the house (besides dog walks and working at the library) on a recreational errand (looking for a new piece of furniture at the second hand store, to refinish), I ran into the most unfortunate person I could have possibly run into.  My ex, let’s call him J, who seemed initially as if he might be marriage material (so funny! so smart! such an amazing connection!)but then turned out to have been leading a Pandora’s Box-ish secret life.  This was over a year ago but was one of the most damaging shots I’ve endured, relationship-wise.  I have only recently bounced back enough from this horrid debacle to start to actually enjoy time spent with my current, sort of boyfriend (he lives 1000 miles away and only visits once a month, but I need a lot of space anyway)- who is utterly nice, respectful and sane at all times.  J not only abandoned me completely once I decided to get my life together (getting out of the dead-end job, going back to school, quitting drinking etc.), but ALSO turned out to be a METH ADDICT and, additionally and immediately, began dating a 21 year old dance major who can’t pronounce the word ‘deplorable’ and proceeded to hook the poor simpleton on crank as well.  The whole thing was so gross and upsetting and seedy and I never saw it coming; I just thought he had anxiety problems and insomnia, like I do.  I can’t even describe it properly; I have never been so shocked.  I haven’t run into that fucking asshole in nine months until this week, when I’ve run into him TWICE.  Anyhow, I was luckily with a friend and couldn’t, the instant I left the store, dive headlong into a bag of Doritos.  But I wanted to, god, did I want to!!  I just really want this diet thing to work this time; I’m tired of the whole cycle.  I’m going to have a hard time this weekend, because I’m going to my parents house sunday for mothers day.   I get along very well with my mother. . . now.  We used to have a lot of problems due to me and my sisters hellion-ish behavior in high school and also my mother has a major anger management issue.  We’ve all grown up and mellowed a bit, but I still eat anxiously and emotionally when I’m at her house.  Also, she’s totally one of those moms who forces food down your throat, makes you feel guilty for not eating, but then brings up your weight problem at a dinner party.  I see a lot of my parents, as I live only an hour away, but I need to devise a strategy for eating minimally and healthfully at their house.  I think my sister and I have to discuss it in advance and become allies instead of enablers for each other.  She’s a recovering bulimic and can barely control her impulse to binge (she hasn’t purged in almost a year- go, Ell!) at the parentals, so I think we need to make a firm agreement to stick to our respective eating plans and call each other out if we’re about to stray.  There, that’s the plan.  

Today I had much work to do on the computer at home and was driven to distraction by visions of enormous feasts and delicious deserts.  I felt hungry all day- I know this is not because I was at all starved (I think I ate a completely reasonable, borderline non-diet amount of calories), but because hopefully my stomach is shrinking back to a more normal size.  The past week before getting onto this blog was really bad in terms of compulsive eating and food choices, so my stomach had gotten used to being full of garbage.  I’m trying to re-train that sucker.What I ate today. . . breakfast was two pieces turkey bacon, one egg, one tomato, one slice rye bread and an apple.  For a snack I had a handful of crackers, radishes, two slices of low fat cheese and four of those cocktail olives I like.   For dinner I had a big salad with spinach, chicken, tomatoes, chickpeas, sprouts, radishes, celery, carrots and feta and a generous amount of lite wine vinaigrette.  I also had five diet pepsis.  I rode the stationary bike for 35 minutes and walked the dogs about two miles.  A good day.   I’m a little concerned about the diet pepsi situation.  I sometimes drink six or seven of them a day.  I know that nutrasweet is not AT ALL good for me, or for anyone and I certainly don’t want to develop a sucralose tumor in five years, but I fucking love the stuff, always have, and I can’t seem to switch to coffee (which I do drink on occasion but not regularly) or tea (I drink a lot of that too, but with splenda).  My sisters nutritionist says that a lot of nutrasweet actually causes people to retain extra weight and that it contains wood alcohol, a toxic substance.  All this I completely believe but it’s the one thing I just can’t give up.  I am a big water-drinker, too and I also love club soda, talking rain and the like.  I’m just a thirsty girl.  I know that I should quit, but I think this is one step in the diet\lifestyle plan that’s just going to have to wait.  I’m going to try limiting myself to one or two, but I’ve done that many times before and it’s the same as anything: food, cigarettes, booze.  I start with one or two and slowly (or sometimes right away) the number (of calories, drinks or stogies) creeps back up.  I’m going to have to get rid of it altogether, but I just can’t do it right now.