Busy weekend, busy Monday.  Not great with food, or exercise.  I feel totally miserable and fatter than ever, but I’m excited to see Lynn on Thursday.  I’m only in Detroit for five days, but I’m sure we’ll really pack in the fun- Lynn and I are great and travelling/ enjoying visits, having been to Europe and Brazil and all over the US together.  I’ve known her since I was five and I can’t wait to see her.  I just wish I was going to blow her socks off with my new skinniness.  Sadly, it’s not happening.  What is wrong with me?  Why can’t I keep it together?  I need to work out tomorrow to keep myself off of suicide watch, I swear.  Oof.

I’m sicker than ever today and so is Noah, in fact we took a day off, something that’s going to have resounding implications for the rest of the week until next thursday, when I leave for Detroit.  I’m hoping this nasty day is this horrible colds last hurrah and then it will be on it’s merry way.  I slept almost all day, couldn’t read or focus on a movie or do anything, really, that was productive.  I only got out of bed once during the day to wolf down a bowl of tomato soup and then tonight, to cook myself a bizarrely elaborate dinner.  I’m going to get to bed early, hope I’ll be ship-shape enough tomorrow a.m. for a hardcore workout.

Breakfast: no

Lunch: tomato soup with 2 servings reduced fat wheat thins (440 calories)

Dinner: Roast chicken (today was the last day before it supposedly goes bad, is why I made such a crazy meal) with capers, onions, garlic, rosemary and potatoes.  Green salad with carrots, tomato, pine nuts, feta.  Steamed asparagus with lemon juice and salt.

Exercise: nooooooo. . . not even a dog walk.

1500 miles in 2010: 524

Song of the Day: Feel The Machine, by the Chalets

Daily awesome: How Twitter is Ruining Celebrities.

I was tired and grumpy all the livelong day today, biting my fingernails to shreds, blowing through a box of tissues, biting Noah’s head off for no reason at all.  I hate being sick because, occasionally, it will bring up my normally-deeply-concealed bitchiness.  Today we basically were troubleshooting all day, which is a hassle and feels like a wasted day, though I know it’s necessary.

I’m trying to get revved up for spring and summer; trying on all my hot weather clothes, obsessively shaving and moisturizing my legs, and trying to feel a deep sense of motivation for diet and exercise.  This time of year is depressing: it’s been the same, the past three years.  I always think I will have lost a bunch of weight, but really, by the beginning of April, everything since December has basically been a waste.  Again, I’ve blown it for the first third of the year.  I’ve lost maybe five pounds, which is just a drop in a very flabby bucket when you need to lose 80.  This first quarter, I’ve been very good about exercise in general and also flagrantly irresponsible with my food choices.  My friend Evelyn and her girlfriend are doing Weight Watchers and they’ve each lost over 20 pounds in five weeks.  This is so tempting to me and I would totally do it if a.) I was more of a joiner by nature and b.) I had the cash to spare.  I’m pretty well-versed, when it comes to nutritional information, I just need to make better choices and, you know, eat less.  As the summer approaches, I’m going to try not to focus on bathing suit season, so much as things I want to do.

Things Like:

-throw a fabulous garden party.

-do the wine tour bike ride to walla walla (about 30 miles and my sister and I are planning on doing it together)

-swim in the ocean more than once

-make some new friends

-meet nice boys

-smoke a salmon every sunday with the charcoal smoker I made

Anyway, I have lots of ideas for what to do with myself once the warm weather arrives, but right now this greyness outside is just dragging on and on.  It’s probably a blessing in disguise, as we have SO MUCH FREAKING WORK TO DO ALL THE TIME.  Launching a small business is so tricky- the two of us are doing work that could easily occupy a staff of twenty and I keep thinking it will abate at some point, but it hasn’t, not really since we began this project.

It’s weird; less than five years ago, a big part of my identity was being this perennially wasted party girl, compulsively excellent waitress and apathetic college drop out.  I didn’t think I could ever dig myself out of that hole.  Now, a big part of my identity is the positive structure I’ve built into my life with Noah and the business.  I’ve basically created a job for myself where I write for a living, even if it’s not quite as creative as I’d like it to be, it certainly does combine the full range of my skill set.  I finally finished college and am now considering grad school.  There have been so many positive changes in my life and I hope with more sustained effort, my struggle with my weight will be another negative building block of my personal identity that I see in the rearview mirror.  I realized that with all the other stuff down (college, drinking problem, smoking, bad boyfriends, out of control relationship with my mother, etc.), my weight is the biggest source of sorrow and strife in my life.  I don’t know why I won’t let myself just TAKE CARE OF IT, for once and for all or why it feels so hard.  I think it’s because I’ve had an emotionally complicated relationship with food my whole life (those other demons that plagued me, not so much).  In fact, being an alternately stoic or jokey person on the outside and also being a compulsively busy lady, I often don’t realize just how down I’ve been until I think about what I’ve been eating.   A week of bad eating is like a signal on my emotional barometer.  I want to take the opportunity to really kill it, the rest of this year, and tackle the remaining toxic areas of my life: my chronic fatness and my constant money struggles.

Breakfast: apple (80 calories), 1 bowl tomato soup (200 calories)

Lunch: leftover chinese food (about 600 calories)

Snacks: 14 tortilla chips with pico de gallo (150 calories), 1 container teriyaki nori (80 calories)

Dinner: salad with 4 oz roast chicken, 1 ounce feta, 1 tomato, lettuce, spinach, 15 pine nuts, carrots, 2 tablespoons balsamic vinaigrette (400)

Total Calories: 1510

Exercise: 30 day shred level 2, 1 hour stationary bike (16 miles)

1500 miles in 2010: 524

Song of the Day: Italian Leather Sofa, by Cake

Daily awesome: Kittens Inspired By Kittens!!

I have a terrible, terrible cold.  There are shredded mangled tissues all over the house from me and Noah constantly honking into them all day, since both of us caught this bit of nastiness from Chance.  Me, of course, slightly more indirectly.

Not a great day with food, but meh, I’m sick and I exercised.

Breakfast: no, but hot tea with lemon like a mofo

Lunch: tomato soup with 32 oyster crackers (320 calories)

Dinner: Chinese food, 1 potsticker, 1 mu shu pork wrap, 2 slices fried egg plant with sweet sauce (Est. 1200 calories)

Calorie total: 1520

Exercise:  1 hour stationary bike (14.5 miles, my ass was really dragging today), 30 day shred level 2, 1 mile with the dogs

1500 miles in 2010: 507.5

Song of the Day: Somebody To Love, Glee Version (it’s coming back tomorrow, squeeeee!)

Daily awesome: Tina Fey’s awesome takedown of Bombshell McGee (’they’re called Bombshell McGee’s’).  That whole mess is such a bummer, isn’t it?  A normal affair scandal is a big enough drag, but they’ve really kicked things up a notch with the whole white supremacy angle, making it all just that much more distasteful and disgusting and sordid.  Also, as discussed at length in this article on Jezebel, why didn’t Sandra Bullock immediately release a statement, right after the picture of HER HUSBAND DRESSED AS A NAZI surfaced?  What the hell is up with that?

Well, since I’m still slacking on blogging and I figured out the problem with the admin end of the blog, i thought I would post some Mexico pictures instead of detailing the absolute trash I ate today.  Actually, it wasn’t so bad, but it was A LOT.  But, you know, vegetables.  Feh, I’m back on the horse tomorrow.

Me and Noah looking out at the ocean

the view from our beach house

me and Chance being silly

me and Noah doing the same

Noah reading some trashy book or another while sunbathing

more beach

Totally amazing vacation, you guys.  See you tomorrow.

Well, I’ve been something of a conundrum to myself lately: I have exercised extremely vigorously this week, never missing a planned workout, sometimes twice a day.  I’d feel totally great about this, except that I’ve been eating absolute garbage.  I don’t mean just having portion control issues or anything like that; no, I’ve been terminating every piece of junk food, fattening desert, plate of white pasta, take-out box of greasy lo-mein or carne asada burrito from the taco bus that crosses my path.  No binging, just every time I sit down to a meal, it’s like I’ve forgotten I’m even trying to shed the extra 80 pounds I’m lugging around and I just plow right through whatever’s in front of me.  I just feel incredibly HUNGRY this week and preoccupied with food; I’ve been wanting to cook and cook and cook, pastries and curries and elaborate pasta dishes.  Thank god my sister and Sandro are coming this weekend, so I can have an excuse to have a dinner party.  Hopefully that will break me of my bizarre food obsession this week.

I think it’s because every other area of my life is incredibly stressful right now, so I’m using the working out and the cooking and the eating of everything under the sun for stress management.  I’m probably going to have to put my cat down, sadly and I don’t even know how to go about dealing with that; he’s my little buddy, I’ve had him for over ten years.  Also, I’ve work five ten hour days in a row and no end in sight and also, no money, AND no one’s even hiring me to be a waitress on my (very few) off hours.  I could not feel more despairing right now about all things financial; I don’t know how people sort these things out because I just can’t seem to.  Also, I’m totally lonely, I really want a boyfriend, but I don’t even really have my eye on anyone (though the seafood guy at Whole foods is quite cute); I haven’t had any passion in my life in that arena in a very long time.  Either bland boyfriends or no boyfriend at all and I’m sick of it.  I’m almost 30; why can’t I get my life in order?

Ugh, anyhow, I just can’t bear to even write down everything I ate today (barbeque pork, big salad, spinach and artichoke dip with pita bread, mangoes, tomato soup, chocolate) and I will also not detail my killer work out.  But I do have an extremely solid 64 miles on the stationary bike and on foot to add to my total, so, you know, blammo!

I’m going to get back on track with this blog this weekend or, at the latest, Monday, but for now, I just can’t get my shit together.

1500 miles in 2010: 492

Well, I’m back.  We had an incredible time on our vacation, I am fabulously tan, but now it’s back to work.  I’m feeling very rejuvenated by the time away from home, but I returned to a lot of stress: my cat,  Harry, who is 14, got very sick and nearly died while I was gone.  So now, we’re caring for him, feeding him with a syringe and all this other gross stuff.  It’s pretty terrible.  Also, Noah and I are really talking about him and Chance moving to San Francisco in October, which is very upsetting.  Unfortunately, that’s where all Noah’s resources are, there’s really no incentive for him to move to Seattle with me and for me, a move to California at this juncture would be a lateral one, which I don’t want to make.  We’re going to try and figure it out.  I’m feeling really insecure and adrift in general right now; don’t know what’s going on with work, or grad school, I’m lonely but no prospects on the horizon, I’m broke, I don’t know what the hell I’m even doing anymore.  I need to get myself together, but I don’t know exactly how to proceed.  I did, however, eat pretty well on the vacation and got lots and lots of exercise, what with swimming all day, every day, walking, etc.  I’m ready to be home, though, and continue moving forward toward my weight loss goals.  I’m so fucking sick of being fat and it feels like there’s no end in sight.  Will resume regular posting tomorrow.

Daily awesome: Well, I was going to post pictures of my fabulous vacation, but I still can’t make the goddamn browser uploader work.  Seriously, if anyone knows how to do this, I will be deeply in your debt if you tell me how.

It was gorgeous in  Seattle today and I felt really good, all day.  I took care of some yard work in the morning, then spent the day with my aunt Meg, who is so cool and easy to pass time with.  We went down to the international district to grocery shop for dinner, got a huge mess of vegetables and thai basil and seaweed.  I cooked us a healthy and delicious dinner (if I do say so myself), then we went to the movies (An Education- I may be president, vice president and secretary of the Unofficial Peter Sarsgaard fan club, but I honestly didn’t see what all the hype was about).  We walked the dogs around the neighborhood around 9, it was actually not that cold, and I could barely contain myself from shrieking: “It’s spring, it’s spring, great god almighty we are free at last!!”  It’s been such a grey winter, and I know that this is just that fake-out thing that we Northwesters are familiar with (where it gets beautiful for a couple weeks in march, all the cherry blossoms bloom and then we get rained on for the next two months), but I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts.  I cannot WAIT for spring and summer.

Breakfast: no

Lunch: 2 cups tomato soup with 28 oyster crackers (320 calories)

Dinner: Stir fry with red and napa cabbage, broccoli, bean sprouts, enoki mushrooms, carrots, teriyaki sauce, garlic, basil, olive oil, 6 large shrimp, 1.5 cups white rice  (700 calories)

Snack: 2 servings rice crackers, 1 box teriyaki nori (320)

Calorie total: 1340

Exercise: 1 hour stationary bike (15 miles)

1500 miles in 2010: 428

Song of the Day: Dress, by PJ Harvey

Daily awesome:  Wow.  The Lady Gaga lawsuit.  Just. . . wow.

Today was a good mix of mellow, relaxing activities and getting shit done.  I got my tabs renewed, hit up Old Navy for some Mexican vacay clothes, met my friend Lily for coffee, worked a little on the book, sent a second invoice to client that owes us some money.  I also worked out, hard, and kept my eating largely under control.  I soothed my negative vibes from yesterday by completing my morning routine and trying to just ease up a little.  I never think of myself as an uptight person, or at least I didn’t before I quit drinking- but once I was stone cold sober for a couple years, I realized that I definitely am.

I also really need to get my resume together this weekend.  I want it to be ready to go when I get home- I need to pick up some kind of food-service job, either waiting tables or making coffee.  I’d prefer to go back to serving, but there’s a lot of lifestyle stuff that goes along with that that I would rather avoid (but think I could handle maintaining my sobriety around, if need be), but the money is unbeatable and, I have to say, I am a truly amazing waitress.  I’m good at customer service- I like talking to people and I’m a good multi-tasker.  I really want our business to be self-sustaining enough to actually pay us as much as we need to make, but that’s just not happening right now, especially with our recent setback.  So, I’m going to dust off my waitressing apron and try to get a couple shifts somewhere; I shouldn’t have even waited this long, but I wanted to wait until I get home from Mexico.  I wish my situation was not financially dire at this point, but it really, really is.  So, the job hunt is on like donkey kong, as soon as I get home.

Breakfast: seared tuna on romaine lettuce, with a poached egg, radishes, olives, tomatoes, champagne vinagrette (400 calories)

Lunch: 1 small avocado, 1 slice toast (350 calories)

Dinner: 2 cups tomato soup with 42 oyster crackers (380)

Snack: 1 string cheese, 1 tomato, 4 chocolate graham crackers- 360 calories

Calorie Total: 1490

Exercise: 3 miles with dogs, Level 2 Bob Harpers Cardio Workout, 1 hour stationary bike (15.5 miles)

1500 miles in 2010: 413

Song of the day: The Book of Love, by the Magnetic Fields

Daily awesome:  This is not awesome at all- I am having all kinds of trouble with the admin end of this blog.  It won’t let me post photos, I randomly lose writing all the time, even after it says it’s been saved.  Is anyone else having this problem?  It’s seriously driving me up the wall- I want to be able to post food pictures, progress pictures, images I find around the web etc.  But every time I complete the Add Image process, when I click on Insert into Post, it just takes me to a blank white pop-up window.  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, CAN SOMEONE HELP ME OUT WITH THIS?  I’m no stranger to a Wordpress blog (in fact, Noah and I build WP blogs for clients all the time and I’m the one that trains them on how to use the back end to create blog posts), but I’ve never come across this problem and I don’t know how communal blogging sites like this one work.  HELP, PLEASE!

I had a very nice night tonight.  Katya and I went to Brasa for dinner, which was extremely delicious and luxurious (not to mention quite irresponsible of me when I don’t know where my next paycheck is going to come from).  Then we went to the Pacific Northwest Ballet dress rehearsal performance for donors- I truly was shocked at how compelling it was.  I like ballet and everything, but it’s usually a little like taking a dose of something that you know is healthy and good for you, but maybe isn’t the most delicious thing in the world.  This time was very different- I was riveted the entire time.  The show was 3 By Dove and it was a number of mini-acts that were all very modern and combined ballet with interpretive dance.  Good catching up with K, too.  She’s doing well, as always.  I don’t know how I have so many friends that are totally calm and pulled together in almost every way (Noah, Lynn, Katya, Evelyn), when I myself am almost always a harried mess (but with good purses and shoes).

However, I totally didn’t work out today.  When I woke up in the morning, I suited up for my workout/dog walk/dog park excursion and I made it through the first half (letting the dogs run at the dog park, followed by the 3 mile trail around Green Lake), but when I got home, I just sat on the couch for the next hour, eating a bowl of tomato soup and glaring at the stationary bike.  This is how my nights and mornings usually go, if the day goes as planned:

1.) Fall asleep between 1 and 3 am.

2. Wake up between 7am and 8.30am, pretty anxious.

3.) Berate self for inability to kick lifelong insomnia (which I’m currently experiencing a bad bout of).

4.) Sleepily pull on hat, workout pants and shirt, sports bra, hoodie and sneakers, as my crazed canines- who know what’s coming- prance around, delighted.

5.) Load them up into the car while sucking down 40oz of water (I have a special bottle I keep by the bed, so I don’t forget to re-hydrate in the morning).

6.) Watch the dogs go crazy at the dog park while drinking 1st caffeinated beverage of the day (a Diet Pepsi).

7.) Walk around Greenlake.

8.) Return home with tired dogs, usually muddy pants and sweaty hair under my hat.

9.) Strip off hoodie and do 30 day shred video.

10.) Ride the stationary bike.

11.) Shower and start the day.

This ritual usually takes at least 2 1/2 hours, not including the shower, and a lot of the time, I shorten it up by omitting the workout video, or the dog park, or the walk- it still works without all it’s constituent parts.  But today, I woke up at almost 11 (!!), could barely drag my ass out of bed, and, I swear, almost didn’t make it all the way around Greenlake.  I truly wanted to relax today; I didn’t really THINK about anything, I didn’t read, I didn’t write, I didn’t work, I didn’t work out.  By the time I got home from my walk, I was pretty tapped out and it was already almost 1, so I just called it good for the day.  Then, a nice evening, and here we are.   Tomorrow, though, I need to get back to my regularly scheduled program.    I have some shit to do tomorrow- yard work, getting my tabs renewed, bathroom cleaning (the part of the house I didn’t clean the other day: all 3 bathrooms, which are in varying states of grossness).  My aunt is arriving on Friday and my brother on Saturday.  Then a quick trip to Yakima on Monday to drop off the dogs, home on Tuesday and then MEXICO!!!

Breakfast: no, slept late

Lunch: Tomato soup with 28 oyster crackers (320 calories)

Dinner: Out for dinner, so it’s questionable.  I had a small green salad with goat cheese and a vinaigrette (maybe 300 calories), 3 small slices of bread and a bowl of mussels, white beans and onions in broth.  I think a conservative estimate on this one would be 600 calories, so I’ll go with 700, final answer.

Snack: 1\4 cup dried cranberries (120 calories)

Calorie total: 1440

Exercise: 3 miles with dogs

1500 miles in 2010: 394.5

Song of the day: I Left My Wallet in El Segundo, by A Tribe Called Quest

Daily awesome:  Is not about Johnny Weir.  Just kidding, it totally is!  Actually, the whole That’s Gay! series in AH-MAZING- Noah and I take frequent That’s Gay breaks in the office.  Bryan Safi is always right on, always hilarious and is totally husband material for some lucky gentleman (and fantasy fodder for legions of disappointed ladies). My favorites include: Coming Out, No Homo, Gay Best Friend, and Acockalypse Now. He’s really good at satirizing the fetishization of gay men without seeming mean-spirited or aggressive. Also, seems so incredibly nice and funny- love him.