Angel Food (lowfat)

My perspective on life has been quite different lately, and somehow losing weight has been easier. Because of the events of the past few weeks, I’ve become a kinder person - to others and to myself. Since this is supposed to be a weight loss blog, I’ll write a bit about the kindness to me. I’ve tried to embrace behaviors and actions that give me more energy. That means turning out the tv or putting away my reading (or blogging) earlier than usual so I can settle into sleep easier. I’ve been a breakfast eating fool, too; I dug out Round’s recipe for muesli from a while back  (wish I could find that post of hers to link here). I’ve made a few substitutions using what I have on hand (e.g. pepitas/pumpkin seeds instead of almonds), and I eat a nice, filling portion of it with yogurt to start my day.

Probably the biggest change is that I’m trying to make good choices about what I eat, “noticing” rather than “focusing on” how I feel while dining. I’m thinking about my satiety level while I’m eating, instead of regretting the “I’m stuffed” feeling laer. Also, I’m not letting myself get bored in life. I’m keeping myself focused on the work in front of me, instead of stressing about what’s left to be done. While relaxing, I’m experience things that I really enjoy rather than watching any old TV show and putting random snacks in my mouth. Eating larger meals and then keeping boredom at bay have cut way down on my snacking these past few weeks. I’ve also embraced the reality I can get by on far, far smaller amounts of food than was the norm for me. Now, when I feel hungry between meals I drink a glass of milk, or eat a popsicle, or a couple bites of chocolate, and then I’m fine. Today I had an amazing breakthrough - I ate a normal portion of Lays potato chips. (We live near a Frito Lay factory, and I swear our chips are better than anywhere else because they are so fresh.) A month ago, I’d have gone back for a couple more handfuls of chips.

Counterintuitively, I’ve been more energetic since I’ve been eating less. However, what I’m not doing is starving myself. I’m trying not to let myself get to the point that I’m hungry enough to eat any old crap that is put on a plate in front of me. Surprisingly, I’ve lost 5 lbs in the last couple weeks without even trying very hard. I feel like I’ve had quite the breakthrough. This all sounds so hokey, but it’s really been working for me. And, I’m a “do what works for now” kind of gal.

Hope all the other 3fc’ers are enjoying their lives this week!

So, wouldn’t you know it? The couple of weeks leading up to my big car accident were really great workout weeks for me. My workouts got me outside, walking and jogging in the beautiful Georgia springtime air. Now that I’ve been cooped up for a week nursing my bumps and bruises, I’m aching to get moving again. I’m going to approach working out very timidly, which is sort of how I’m approaching life in general these days.

I’ve been back at work now for a few days, but my commute still creeps me out. I used to be fearless while driving, which is probably a cause of my running into a telephone pole. But, now i’m at the other extreme. There must be a happy medium where I’m driving with caution but not like a grandma. (Not that there’s anything wrong with grandmas; I just want to enjoy driving again.) Friends who’ve been in accidents tell me that my confidence will return, and I’ve just got to be patient. So, patient I am trying to be.

Back to exercise… I’m going to get walking again. My knees were banged up in the accident, but I think I can handle a nice stroll through the neighborhood. The dogwoods, azaleas, and cherry trees are blooming like crazy this week and are so beautiful. The azaleas are stunning this year, showing off their deep purples and hot pinks. The cherry trees went all out today, probably at their fullest for the year. I got distracted at work several times just looking out the window at the lovely light pink blossomes. The more subdued dogwoods, which are creamy and light green, are my sentimental favorite, though; I’ve loved them since I was a little girl. I say, “Allergies be darned. Where are my walking shoes?”

Walking is just a start of my exercise again; I’d like to run after my knees have healed. Of course, I really want to get back to my yoga, but I know I’m not ready for that yet. I’m trying to get by without my pain meds now; introducing yoga will probably not help with the soreness at this point. I’m still processing through my accident, and one desire that came out of it is that I have a stronger desire to do what I can to live a long and healthy life, to take good care of this body I’ve been given. I’ll never be an athlete, but I can be strong, lean, and well-balanced woman. I’m not too far from where I want to be physically, from feeling how I want to feel. For me, it will be important to ease back into a consistent exercise routine again (note: routine not regimen). I want to incorporate movement and activity into my daily life, so that some time well spent exericisng isn’t out of the ordinary, just part of who I am.

It’s odd how one’s perspective can change in a few moments, but it is no hyperbole to say that a few seconds this previous week have changed me forever. This past Tuesday morning on my way to work, I ran into a telephone pole while driving at about 40 mph. People don’t usually survive such accidents, slamming head on into telephone poles. Somehow, I did, and relatively unscathed at that. I was multi-tasking while driving, talking to my fiance on my cell phone and reaching for my travel mug of coffee. Stupid, I know, but rather normal behavior for me. As a result, my poor fiance heard the entire terrifying crash as I lost control of my vehicle and wrecked. I was stunned, in a lot of pain, but suffered no major injuries.

As I was crashing, I was overcome with a prayer, “God, I’m not done with my life yet. Please let me live.” I’ve not served God like I really want to. I’ve not been appreciating my friends and family enough. Ashamed as I am to admit it, I have been thoroughly self involved lately. That I can get downright obsessive over a few ounces on a scale is proof that my priorities are a bit out of whack.

The first person who came to my aid after my crash was a seventeen year old girl. I was touched by how she had unselfishly ran out the door into the freezing cold, no coat or shoes on, still in her pajamas, to help. She knew somone needed help, and she didn’t stop to think about her own basic needs first. How can I be more like her? What can I do to help others? I’m asking myself these questions and still searching for the answers. It is probably true that there is no one answer for each question. Done in the right spirit, probably there are a million things I can do each day to be more like the good samaritan who helped me.

My fiance was able to come into town this weekend to be with me and to help me purchase a new car. He commented how I have been changed by the accident. Things I would have worried about a week ago aren’t bothering me now. It is as if  I am seeing my family, fiance, friends, and coworkers again for the first time. Their love has been incredible, and I hope to be worthy of it.

A friend of mine, who is a recovering alcoholic, likes to quote this line from the Big Book: “insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results.” Following that definition, my dieting lately has been insane. I keep doing the same things over and over, and then I’m upset when I lose only a few ounces each week. Some of my habits are good. For instance, I have been writing everything down faithfully into my food diary, even during the weekend when I went way beyond my remaining flex points. I’ve also been trying to make healthier food choices (this morning, I forewent [?] the cheese danish at work for a half of a whole wheat bagel). Also, I’ve been honest and forthright with people about the fact that I’m dieting again. But that’s about it for healthy, sane diet behaviors for me.

So, what are some of my insane diet behaviors? Primarily, going totally bust on my food points. Additionally, I bring my workout clothes with me everywhere I go, yet never seem to make it to the gym. Another insane behavior of mine is that I weigh myself every single day (sometimes twice or more) as some sort of not very helpful motivation. Clearly, three weeks into Lenten discipline of points counting, I need some sort of dieting intervention.

I’m staring down my Wednesday weigh in tomorrow with dread. I want different results tomorrow than I’ve had in past weeks; realistically, I know that I won’t weigh any less this week. The good news is, tomorrow is the start of another weight watching week for me. I’m going out on a limb here and saying that things will be different this week. I’m finally mad enough about not seeing any progress with my weight loss to change some of my insane behaviors. My absolute number one behavior change has got to be sticking with the Weight Watchers flex points plan. I’ve chosen the plan as my weight loss tool. It makes no sense for me to be writing every morsel of my meals into my food diary for no good reason, no good results. Additionally, I commit to 3 short cardio sessions this week. These work outs probably won’t spur much weight loss; however, getting into the habit of working out is a very sane behavior that I want to incorporate into my life.

My AA friend tells me that no one can get sober until they decide that they’ve had enough, until they decide to make a change. I’m so tired of doing the same things over and over, knowing all along that I’m not doing what I need to do to be healthy. May this be my “enough” moment, the moment that I believe that I can be restored to sanity.

So, this is the exact time in my Wed-Tues weight loss week when things start to go south. Usually, about this time, I put away my food diary into my work bag only to sheepishly dig it out when I go to work on Monday morning with a food hangover. I’m determined this weekend to keep my food diary handy - I’ve tucked it into the outer pocket of my purse (instead of sticking it deep into my work bag). I suppose some will think it odd that my chic little black purse has a green note pad hanging out of it; honestly, I don’t care. I need to journal my food points faithfully this weekend, and I’m thinking this strategy will keep the food diary on the forefront of  my mind.

Looking ahead to the next few days, it will be a veritable minefield of diet-busters.  My mom, sister, and I are heading to Atlanta to go wedding dress shopping this afternoon.  (Ok - so that’s not diet busting, just a fun thing I’m up to today.) Then, we’re having dinner (potential diet-buster here) with my brother and his new lady friend. Tomorrow, I’m making the six hour excursion down to Florida for my fiance’s birthday. So, not only do I have to avoid the road food along the way (my favorite being fried peach pie and candied pecans at a farmer’s market), but I also need to watch my portions during the birthday meal. I’ve no idea what the meal will be. If I cook at home, I can whip up a nice recipe from Cooking Light that no one has to know is low-cal/low-fat; but, most likely, we’ll go out with friends to an Italian place where a low-cal portion is basically 1/4 serving of a meal. If Italian it is, I’ll try to avoid the garlic bread and be satisfied with a glass of wine and a half serving of pasta with marinara (perhaps stealing a bite or two of the birthday boy’s dessert).

I’m really, really, looking forward to following up here on Monday with my progress over the weekend. I’m so tired of feeling like the weekend is “not good” because I’ve overeaten. This weekend, I’m going to try to watch what I eat but also remember that good/bad aren’t necessarily determined by my caloric intake. May all of you out there have a “good weekend” (no matter how you define it)!

My weight this morning was 157.6; I lost a pound last week.  When I have a week with a loss, I know that I should view that week as a success. However, as usual, I lost that pound the first two days of WW points counting for the week and stalled out over the weekend. (Perhaps “stalled out” is too kind - my weekend dieting can be more like a series of fender benders.) Monday and Tuesday, also as usual, I sputtered through my dieting. I drove along healthily throughout the day, then stalled out while nibbling on cupcakes and Girl Scout cookies late in the evening. 

I think an issue that I need to overcome is my resistance to accepting a lifestyle change. I’m not comfortable with my life as it is, with its size 12 jeans and evening boredom; yet, I’ve not committed to making the necessary changes to lose weight and feel energized again. Why is that? Probably because my life the way it is now is easy. If I really committed to getting back down to a size 8, then I’d have to put in real effort. I’d feel hungry from eating less. I’d feel sore from exercising more. But, I’d probably feel better about myself. 

I don’t yet know how this week is going to go. I’d like to be optimistic and say I’ll be a perfect points counter and hit the gym 4 times. But, I just don’t now that I can make that promise. Instead, maybe I’ll focus on one major change - weekend points counting. Usually, somewhere around 5pm Friday, I put my food diary in my bag and don’t dig it out again until Monday morning. This weekend, I’ll be faithful about counting every point I eat. I’ve still got a few days to psych myself up for this challenge. I think this small strategy could make a big difference in curbing my sputters and stalls until my next Wednesday a.m. weigh in.

After a couple weeks of being particularly undisciplined with my weight loss, I’m trying to get back on my plan today. I’m doing the Weight Watchers thing - 21 points a day with 35 flex points a week. It’s so hard. I am really hungry and am having trouble not thinking about food. Unfortunately, I also have this little ounce or two of self doubt in my head that I will never be able to follow the points plan to the T. You see, despite losing 75 lbs on the plan once, I was never really successful at it. That is, I never, ever once just ate the prescribed amount of points. I always went over by a few each week - and I still lost weight.

Since then, though, I’ve gained between 20-25 lbs back (depending on the weigh in). When I decided to stop gaining and tried the points plan again over the past year, I always went much more than a few points over - I’m talking I was going over something like 30 points a week. Gee, wonder why I’m having trouble losing weight? I’m having trouble accepting hunger as a normal state of being and with having energy while dieting.

Hunger and depleted energy levels don’t help, but self doubt seems to be my biggest problem. I’ve been able to maintain easily between 153 and 158 lbs without paying attention to what I’m eating. I’ve been wondering, is staying below 153 maintainable for me? Also, is the WW flex plan really doable for me? Perhaps, more importantly, am I confident enough to pull of my skinny jeans again?

The answer to the first two questions is, I’m pretty sure, “yes.” Reaching my goal weight of 135 via flex plan is doable - I did it before. Although I didn’t maintain as well as I’d like, once I was determined to stop my weight gain, I’ve been able to maintain my weight pretty well. As for the confidence question - that’s definitely the million dollar question. I hope to be able to answer “yes” one day. I want to feel good in my body. At 135, I didn’t, and it was a shame. It wasn’t too long before I started gaining weight. Now, I’m feeling pudgy and soft again. I’ve slacked on my New Year’s resolution of working out. I’m starting to be out of breath on certain flights of stairs. I don’t feel as attractive around my fiance as I’d like to. I figure, I can either bury my hopes for a healthier body. Or, I can choose to feel motivated by them and do something to feel better physically while I work on my self confidence. So… flex points counting it will be for me.

Briefly — here is my weigh in update for the past couple weeks –

 Feb 6: 160.0 lbs   Feb 13: 158.6 lbs

My weigh in day is changed to Wednesday for the forty days of Lent. I’m incorporating flex points counting into my Lenten disciplines. My first week was not good, prompting this post. I definitely fell off the points counting wagon on the weekend. It looks like a good weight loss, I know, but it really isn’t. I totally pigged out on Mardi Gras, which skewed the weigh in on Feb 6. I was down to 158 by Friday, but then didn’t lose anymore…

Thanks for whoever’s reading my ramblings. If you have any tips for keeping up a high energy level while points counting/dieting, I’d appreciate what you have to say! Also, any suggestions on how to deal with the hunger?

Have you heard the one about the girl who ate nearly all of her Weight Watchers flex points in one day, and had nearly six days left before her points started over again? Not a funny joke, isn’t it? We’re not all points counters, I realize, but my guess is that many 3fc’ers can relate. Yesterday was one of those days for me. I went along swimmingly with my points counting until a bag of chips appeared in my office’s kitchen. There are not many foods I completely avoid, but I have a hard time resisting the salty crunch of chips. I had a bunch yesterday. Since I didn’t measure (who measures a binge?), I’ve no idea how many points I consumed but probably more than I wrote down. I could have recovered from the afternoon’s excess by eating the tomato soup that I planned to cook for dinner (I’ve a new recipe to try). Instead, I went with a can of coke, 2 slices of everything pizza, and a salad for dinner.

I’d like to blame my car battery - it chose to die on me last evening, prompting me to make a dozen phone calls to figure out what to do and prompting me to guzzle coke while I waited on the servicemen and to forego cooking dinner because I didn’t want to eat so late. I’d even like to blame the fact that I’m totally bummed to be away from my sweetie and constantly annoyed at work these days, which seemed to prompt the chips fest earlier in the day. Honestly, though, I really need to take a hard look at myself. Why do I let little stresses hijack my dieting? I always feel worse, not better, after going so way off track. It’s not just feeling emotionally worse and beating myself up over eating so poorly. My body gets all out of whack as it doesn’t quite know how to process all the grease. To boot, I am staring down six days of hunger as I’ve only a few measly flex points for the rest of the week.

I am trying to look upon my next few days’ worth of empty food diary pages with a steely-eyed gaze, but I’m wondering what to do. Do I just chalk up yesterday’s calorie laden cold comfort up as a missed opportunity for weight loss and start over with a full roster of flex points today? Or, do I just accept that I’ll feel very, very hungry until next Monday? I’m leaning toward the latter option, mostly because whenever I try to to just accept a “bad day”, I find myself on a slippery slope toward a string of bad days. I’ve never been good at rebounding from overindulgence, but some crazy part of me really wants to try this time. Am I being foolish for thinking that I’ll feel great on Sunday evening if I can say that I stuck to my points this week?

My weigh in this morning reflected 155.6 lbs, a loss of .6 lbs last week. As usual, my weight loss is puttering along slower than I’d like, but still I happily say “woo-hoo” to my few ounces of progress. 

I had some interesting moments while eating last week that I’d like to share. Having been writing my meals fairly faithfully for a few weeks now (weekends are still a problem), I’m much more conscious that apparently my diet can be pretty carb-o-riffic. When I make dinner, I may make one carb side dish. But, while eating at my parents’ house or dining in a restaurant, I’ve noticed just how often two or more carbs are offered as choices. Mashed potatoes and a biscuit? Rice and bread? Pasta with a cake chaser? It’s all a bit much, isn’t it?

I’m not some anti-carb Atkins or South Beach nut, but I recognize that I’m not getting a lot of nutritional bang for my buck by eating refined white flour products. I’m a fan of some whole grain products out there, like whole wheat pasta, bulgar, and whole grain Krispy Kremes . Yet,  I’ve still a ways to go to accept other whole grain foods. Despite years of trying, I have yet to identify the charm of brown rice. So, instead of finding whole grain substitutes for all of my carbs, my focus lately has been on just eating half of whatever carbs find their way to my plate. I was visiting my fiance this weekend, and he was impressed when I simply ate half a serving of potatoes and bread at mealtimes. In addition to cutting down on carbs, I’ve been totally loading up on vegetables. My mom gave me a startled look the other night when I took a whole forest of broccoli florets for dinner. I have learned, though, that whereas bread makes me feel very much like a stuffed potato, vegs leave me feeling satisfied yet light. So, it is baby steps for me for now, substituting vegetables for carbs as I write what I eat. Still, I have an eensy bit of hope that perhaps, one day, I’ll be the queen of quinoa.

Ok - weekly weigh-in time. Blessedly, I weighed 156.2 Monday morning - a loss of 2.8 lbs last week. I’ve embraced using my food journal as a weight loss tool. Reflecting on the week, I feel like I might be made up of sodium phosphates and maltodextrin. I’m still in the easy trap of heating up a frozen diet meal for lunch during busy workdays. I recognize that I need to step away from my desk, stop buying cheap meals, and eat something healthy away from email, phones, and coworkers.

Journaling my food intake has been eye opening for me in another way. Although I claim not to be a “bread person”, apparently I’m quite the lover of refined flour products. A cracker here, a cookie there, and suddenly I’ve eaten more bread products  than anything else. I had somewhat of a biscuit fetish last week, making an otherwise annoying 45 minute commute quite pleasant with a cup of coffee and a home baked biscuit (or two). I’m not talking frozen or fast food biscuits here - I kneaded these myself! They were delicious with honey from my grandpa-in-law-to-be’s farm. Alas, biscuits in all their refined white flour glory are now a weekend treat for me. So, strategies for the remaining few days until my next weigh in are cutting back on refined flour products (I’ll concentrate on the whole grains later), eating more whole foods, continue writing in my food diary, and recording my WW points.

Also, perhaps most importantly, I’ve been more open with family and friends in my life about wanting to lose some of the weight I’ve gained. Opening up has made me much more accountable for what I’m putting in my body and what I’m doing to be more active. I thought it would be embarrassing to be honest. But, the feedback I’ve been receiving has been amazing. One woman at work even called me an “inspiration to us all.” At times when I feel like I’m pudgier and more sluggish than I need to be, those words sure sound sweet.