Angel Food (lowfat)

So, I just finished reading Julie and Julia, the book about the Julie/Julia Project. If you don’t know what the J/J Project is, er, was, it was a raucous blog about one woman’s obsessional cooking through Mastering the Art of French Cooking (524 recipes) in the span of just one year. It was also the first food blog that I regularly read. I loved it as an antidote to my Gourmet and Bon Appetit magazines, publications that have you believing that there’s something wrong with you if you balk at paying $28/lb for organic chanterelles. (I actually spent that on mushrooms one Thanksgiving, although I only bought 1/4 of a lb for the salad course, thinking I’d ruin the precious recipe if I substituted a cheaper fungus. Sadly, the chanterelle and pear salad was possibly the most underwhelming plate of food I’ve ever eaten on Thanksgiving.) Well, having finally finished the book about the blog, I find myself wanting to cook, and write, and give my little spin on the recipes I encounter.

Also, I still want to lose weight.

Here’s the deal, though. With the exception of the recipes in Cooking Light, I nearly always hate any recipe that purports to be low-fat, low-cal, or ”points-friendly.” (I most especially have hated the “points-friendly” recipes written by Weight Watchers.) But, since I love to cook and love to eat yet still have 10-20 lbs to lose (depending on how nice I’m being to myself), I most definitely need to focus on low-fat, good-for-me comestibles. So, my plan going forward for my 3fc blog is: when I’m feeling a bit lazy, I’ll cook and share tasty recipes I come across in Cooking Light; when I’m feeling more spirited, I hope to revamp others’ recipes to make them a little more healthful (or, in the case of the WW recipes, a lot more tasty).

I’ve not yet picked out a first recipe to write about here. I’m in Florida this weekend visiting my pilot-in-training fiance, praying that he rocks his checkride this afternoon and the visual navigation route later tonight. He’ll not be in from his two flights until about 11pm or so. That leaves me about 6 1/2 hours to do a bit of recipe research and experimentation. Now, where did I leave my uppity Aug 08 Gourmet?

Really, it probably won’t be too long until someone publishes a book called “The Salmonella Diet.” I’m finally recovering, after being on said “diet” for about a week and a half. I can absolutely, guarantee you that the salmonella diet will help you lose 6 lbs in 6 days - without exercise, and you won’t even feel hungry!!!!  

Seriously, food poisoning sucks. I’m finally through with all my antibiotics and am hoping that my GI system will be normal sometime soon. I’m finally eating again and will be thrilled to never again drink another electrolyte laced sports beverage, if I can help it.

I realize I’ve not given an update here on my headache/weird CT scan issues. Well, apparently my head isn’t perfectly normal, but there’s nothing for me to be worrying about, either. For now, my primary physician is going to keep treating me for migraines and tension headaches. I’m glad to report that I’ve not had a migraine for a few weeks, and yoga is helping me to manage my tension. Thanks to everyone for the good thoughts and prayers when I visited the neurosurgeon. He was kind and cute, but I’m happy not to ever have to see him again!

Now that all of my random health issues seem to be resolving themselves, I’m looking forward to getting healthy and stronger for my impending nuptials. My pilot-in-training fiance and I still haven’t been able to set a wedding date, but we’re getting close. Within a month, we should be setting the date. Today is the first time in a while that I’ve looked at my wedding planning materials, fave web sites, magazine clippings, etc. I’m actually so excited to be venturing forth toward the wedding, but I’m not yet close to my health goals.

My goal to be more active this year has gone no where. After a fabulous weekend with my pilot, I realize that I want us to be an active, healthy couple together. But, it will be hard for us to be an active couple if we’re not active individuals. An old friend I’ve recently reconnected with on facebook has inspired me to get back into my yoga practice. Yoga helps me to be stronger and better balanced, both physically and spiritually. Even after just two practices this past week, I feel better. I hope to find something cardio-wise that makes me feel as good as yoga does. Swimming, stadium steps, zumba? Oh, what will be the answer to my cardio questions? Stay tuned as I try to find out this summer!

I have allowed things to get kind of topsy-turvy for myself lately. I’ve been suffering bad headaches now for several months. A couple weeks ago, my doctor diagnosed me hormonal migraines, prescribed some medicine, and had me undergo a CAT scan just to rule out something else. Since that visit, I suffered for several days with the absolute worst headache of my life, searing pain for about 12 hours followed by 48 hours of a constant dull throb. The meds I had been prescribed did nothing to alleviate my pain. Finally, my scan results came in this week and, the “something else” couldn’t be ruled out; so now I’m set to see a neurosurgeon.

I wish I can say that I approached this health issue with grace, holding on with a deep faith and optimism. But, I’m afraid I haven’t. I found myself withdrawing from  family and friends and stuffing myself with crap food. Normally, I don’t go near a fast food place, yet I ate several full meals from value menus this past week. I felt sluggish and unmotivated all week, even losing my running shoes for a few days. I gained a few pounds, but honestly didn’t care at all that I’d undone my good progress from the past month.

I sort of had an awakening on Thursday, though, after having lunch with a wonderful former professor of mine. Now that I’m graduated, we are moving from a professor/student relationship to a friendship; I still see her as a mentor, and I think she’s comfortable interacting in that role with me. She sympathized about my anxiety over this new health thing, but she also gave me a little kick in the pants. She helped me realize that I’ve been feeling sorry for myself and had sort of shut down.

Since Thursday, slowly but surely my faith and optimism have been restored. I absolutely want to live my life being exactly who I want to be, relinquishing the things I don’t have control over to God, to others, to the ether, whatever, and making the choices that I can make to live more happily. Today, I’m planning several healthy meals for the week using ripe fruits and vegetables of the season, a canteloupe  sorbet and a corn chowder, just to name a few. Also, I’m thinking about starting a new food blog (lack of experience be darned!).

Thanks to everyone who commented on my last blog post. As I’ve learned over the past week and a half, fear is not an effective motivator. How much better it is to live with a postive outlook, incorporating joy and good health into everyday living.

Did anyone else see the episode of Oprah yesterday that featured folks who have lost a massive amount of weight? I don’t usually watch her show and her new-age-i-ness makes me cringe, but I happened to be sick at home yesterday and caught the show on “Weight Loss Heroes and Sheroes.” It was cool, even occasionally inspiring, to see so many people who’ve done well with their weight loss. Still, I have to say that I was a wee bit disappointed in the show. I would have enjoyed seeing fewer people with more time spent on their stories - not in a Dr. Phil way, but in a way that honors the complexities of emotions and experiences that people have as they are losing weight. I’m not arguing with the truths that careful dieting and exercise are the keys to losing weight. But, I would have liked to hear more of the people’s stories: How did family and friends react to their weight loss? At what point did they experience plateaus? What did they do to push through the hunger, through the days when they just wanted to give up? Instead, Oprah seemed more focused on trotting out the formerly fat, asking them their “breaking point”, and asking “what is your secret?” I don’t want to sound like I’m totally hatin’ on Oprah; mainly, I just think she tried to cram too much into one show.

One thing that did really strike me as I watched was something one of the guests (or maybe it was Bob Greene?) said. It was mentioned that if you have a void to fill, you can’t expect that void to be magically filled just by reaching your goal weight; if the void is still there, you most likely won’t be successful at maintaining your goal weight. Certainly, those statements are true for me. For much of my life I was obese, about 50 lbs heavier than I should have been. My “breaking point” is related to my going on a hiking trip with an ex boyfriend and being mortified when I couldn’t make it back up a steep climb. I was being lapped by toddlers and the elderly! After that trip I was determined to start a weight loss program but didn’t do anything for a few weeks. When I saw the pictures from that trip, however, I didn’t recognize myself in the photos, was horribly embarrassed by how I looked, and immediately signed up for Weight Watchers.

Being “horribly embarrassed” motivated me to lose weight, which was great, but I never did work on truly filling my void. Instead, I told myself that I’d no longer be embarrassed, that I’d be wonderfully attractive and happy, when I reached my goal weight. I happened to hit my goal weight of 135 lbs the same day that I met my future husband. It was the happiest day of my life up until that point, but then a terrible thing happened. The first year I dated Andy, a fear took hold of me. That fear told me that, if I gained weight, Andy wouldn’t be attracted to me and I wouldn’t deserve his affection. My fear nearly broke us as a couple, and it caused me to gain 25 lbs the first year I dated him. Eventually, I realized what was going on, and I was able to stop the craziness and maintain my weight (going on Synthroid for hypothyroidism also helped some - although my doctor says no one can attribute more than about a 10lb gain from the disease alone). Of course, my fears about Andy were totally unfounded. He says he never noticed that I gained weight (he’s either really unobservant or really sweet), and since we’re engaged I now feel very silly for thinking that I’d suddenly be horribly unattractive to him.

So - where does Oprah and “filling a void” fit into all this? Well, mostly my void is formed by feeling that I am somehow undeserving. Of what, exactly? Of almost anything good. I’m a smart gal (I’m not afraid to be bold about that), but still I often felt like an imposter in school. I felt like I made A’s not because I was deserving of them but because the work was simply “too easy.” I avoided relationships with guys entirely because I didn’t feel deserving of them. The couple times I did happen into a relationship, I spent the whole time thinking that the guy must have something wrong with him for loving me. In weight loss, I never felt like I deserved to be 135 lbs; somehow, I was still the 210 lb girl fitting into size 6 jeans. Now, as I’m actively counting WW points and working out regularly again, I’m also going to work on the deserving part. I’m going to try to really let the good things that are said about me soak in. I’m going to dust off my Bible, bypass the scary Old Testament prophets, and go straight to all the good bits about how much God loves us. And, I’m going to stare my void in the face and start throwing little pebbles of deservingness into it.

 (BTW - wound up losing 4 lbs last week.)

I’m really excited tonight because I’m finally heading into the weekend having not totally blown my WW points this week. What’s funny is that I’m more focused on food than I have been in a long time, despite being hot and heavy into dieting. Food has long been a passion of mine, and, like many, food is at the center of fond memories of family, childhood, etc. More than simply having heartwarming thoughts about my grandmother’s heavenly biscuits, I’ve also just been downright interested in food for almost as long as I can remember. I distinctly remember learning how to make butter when I was in kindergarten. For me, it was the most exciting lesson of the year (far more exciting than learning my right from my left). I still can remember how it tasted, and how the taste was so different from the butter and margarine I was used to. When I learned that a great aunt of mine actually owned a working butter churn, I was ecstatic and fascinated. My family all thought I was a little weird.

My interest in and passion for food has continued into adulthood. For many years, I’ve been wondering just how to use this interest (culinary school? blogging? teaching?), introducing fear and worry into my love. Well, lately, I’ve realized that I don’t want to continue fretting about food. I want to recapture the joy and fascination I felt when I was a kid. Perhaps while dieting doesn’t seem like the best possible time to recapture my own personal joy of food and cooking. Yet, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing these past couple weeks. I’ve been cooking new recipes and old favorites. I’ve been reading cookbooks just for fun. I’ve been absolutely enjoying myself, choosing seasonal ingredients, cooking and eating things that I really love. I’m feeling more satisfied at mealtimes and am accepting the hunger that comes with dieting much more readily than ever before. (And, oh yeah, I’ve lost about 3 lbs.)

I wound up not cooking one single meal last week. I was too busy organizing a black tie event, preparing for trustee meetings, and working on 3 different grant proposals to do meal planning, much less preparation. I’m lucky to live near my parents right now, so I took advantage of my parents’ kindness and ate with them a couple nights. For the rest of the week, I relied on catering from work and takeout Chinese food. By Saturday, I didn’t even feel hungry.

After a stressful week at work, this weekend has felt downright luxurious. I’ve been catching up on cooking magazines and planning some yummy meals. Today, I finally made the Chinese Chicken Salad  from Weight Watchers that I mentioned in my last post. The recipe is a fine way to use up leftover rotisserie chicken. Using lowfat instead of nonfat mayo was a good choice, despite the extra couple points it added per serving. The salad was nicely creamy from the mayo and crunchy from the vegetables, all in one bite. However, the recipe isn’t quite a homerun - it can be fresher tasting. If I make this again, I might use half yogurt and half mayo, add some squirts of lime juice, and throw in some chopped mint to brighten the flavor. However, I don’t want to dissuade anyone from trying the recipe as  it is written. I’m not usually a big fan of Weight Watcher’s recipes, but this chicken salad made for a satisfying spring lunch.

Later tonight, I’m going to make salmon with orange and fennel. Sundays in the kitchen just perk up my soul!

Sometimes weight loss just doesn’t make any sense. My family threw a graduation party for me on Saturday with a buffet laden with, among other things, pulled pork barbecue, sliced smoked brisket, a “southern caprese salad,” and key lime pie. I ate with abandon, not counting any points. Still, I lost 2.2 lbs last week. Most likely, the nice scale victory occurred because I was diligent about cooking last week and really enjoyed my meals. Also, I worked out twice. That’s not great, but it is a 100% improvement over the week before.

This week, I’m planning to make a weight watchers recipe - a chicken and cabbage salad with soy dressing. I’ve had mixed luck with WW recipes - sometimes they can turn out tasteless or glommy from the lack of fat. The recipe I’m going to try tomorrow night calls for fat-free mayo, which I find pasty and gross. I’m going sub in reduced fat mayo instead. Since the original only has 3 points/serving, I figure that I can afford to add a few extra points to the recipe.

I’m a good cook but sometimes can be a strict recipe person. It feels good to realize that I can tweak recipes to suit my palate, the ingredients I have on hand, etc. and still make them work. I’m slowly starting to accept how to incorporate dieting back into my lifestyle. I really have to make it work for me instead of trying to shoehorn myself and my personal tastes into a way of being that are counter to who I am. Now, let’s just hope that chicken salad with a ginger soy dressing tastes good!

Oops. I let a few days go by without blogging on 3fc. So, here’s my update…

My “weight watching” didn’t go so well last week. Let’s just say that I watched my weight go up a couple pounds, and I watched my weekly points count go off the charts. I succumbed to a lot of boredom eating. I didn’t cook as much as I usually do and wound up trying to rely on salads and baked potatoes to fill the hollow spot in my tummy. As usual, when I eat smallish meals (and especially when I combine smallish meals with boredom), my snacking gets out of control. Lots of small meals do it for some folks, but they’re not for me at all. I need to feel satisfied by the food I eat.

So, this week I’m trying to think carefully before I eat, asking myself, “How hungry am I really? Can I wait until the next meal?” and “What can I cook for dinner?” I’m a foodie at heart, so when I go days eating nothing but Lean Cuisines and bagged salad I almost feel like I’m letting myself down. I’d rather save my points (er, calories for you non Weight Watchers folks) for really tasty, satisying dishes. This week, I made a simple fruit salad of diced mango, shallots, cilantro, salt, and lime juice that has kept my mouth very entertained at dinner. Seriously, this salad kicks the pants off of any fruit salad you can buy pre-made at the grocery store. I’ve been eating it almost as a chutney or salsa accompaniment to an eggplant curry from a recent issue of Cooking Light. The curry itself needs something (ginger, maybe); I love eggplant and I love curry, though, so I hope to tweak the recipe until it really zings.

Can you tell I’m dreaming of cooking when I really should be working on a grant proposal (my real job)? This is my Thursday post-Top Chef hangover, as it were, when I dream of perfectly braised meats, silky pastry cream, and making Tom Colicchio’s eyes crinkle in delight over a perfect meal. Sigh. Back to work. Hope everyone’s having a terrific week!

 So, 14 years after graduating from high school, I finally finished up college last Thursday. It’s still sinking in that I don’t have to study my way through my weeknights anymore.  I’ve not quite figured out what to do with myself. I have a wedding to plan, although we can’t set a date yet. I’m definitely in limbo, just waiting, waiting, waiting for the military to tell my DF what his pilot training schedule will be for the next year. But, I’m determined not to get too frustrated by this whole limbo thing. After all, I graduate in just a few days with a 4.0 GPA. Not too shabby for a former college dropout!

Also, the week back on Weight Watchers went really well for me. I lost 4.2 lbs! Now, I know that’s generally too rapid a loss, but there’s always an adjustment period the first week back on points. Perhaps more important than the number on the scale, my DF and I had a real breakthrough with our eating habits when I visited him this past weekend. He actually didn’t protest too loudly when I refused to go to Waffle House for breakfast. (Funny, I still ate a waffle for breakfast - although it was half a belgian waffle with no whipped cream or butter.) For dinner, we took advantage of his living so near the water and got shrimp and flounder from an amazing fish market (the boats unload their catch directly behind the counter). I’ve never had such fresh seafood in my life! Silly to say, maybe, but it was a real step forward for us not to dine out at every meal and make healthy choices at home.

This week, I’ve no big plans to go to Pensacola, so staying on points should go just as well as, if not better than, last week. Now, I’ve no expectations for another four lbs gone, but two sure would be nice.

Today has been quite the day for getting things done for me. I overcame procrastination and accomplished several languishing projects at work. I immediately set to cleaning house as soon as I got in from work. Then, I started a pot of vegetable soup (Barbara Kafka’s recipe) and planted tomato seedlings while the soup simmered. I figured, why rest on my laurels when I’m on such a roll? So, I pulled out my laptop and rejoined Weight Watchers online.

The timing of my return to WW has a lot to do with my upswing back to 159 lb and with two friends of mine admitting that they’re both working hard on their weight. My roommate H has lost 12 lbs in the last few weeks, mostly due to heart break (such a sad way to lose). She put on a maddening 30 lbs while dating a guy who didn’t deserve her. Although the first post-break-up week she could barely eat she was so sad, now she’s focusing on losing weight in a healthy way (exercising, cutting down fastfood, sweets and soda, etc). Also, a close friend of mine has joined WW, losing about 7 lbs in 3 weeks. Not too shabby! With two people I’m close to dieting, I’ll have the support I need to withstand the hunger pangs that come with only eating 21 points a day. Plus, H and I have starting walking together and doing goofy ab workouts on exercise balls.

I have a few goals in mind as I rejoin weight Watchers. I’d like to get down to 140; nineteen lbs seems doable. I have a black tie event next month; it sure would feel nice to buy a size 10 dress instead of a size 12. Of course, I also have a wedding sometime in the next year! Actually, it’s the honeymoon I want to look good for. I want to have the confidence to lay on the beach beside my husband without wishing the whole time that I could cover myself up. My sweet man says I look great now, but I know that I can be better - stronger, healthier, and even more lovely.