All this to say… among the many changes I’m working on is starting a new blog, hopefully one with good design and photographs (with the sweet new camera we’ve gotten for a wedding present!), one that’s more focused on my passions (cooking, for starters), one that better reflects who I am. I’ll not have it up and going before mid-June at the earliest, so I plan to post here a few more times. My plan is to say farewell to this nice little account by mid-July. Stay tuned!

Weight Loss Postscript: I’ve discovered a sweet little app for the iPhone (which was a nice wedding gift from my sweet man) - it’s called “Lose It” and is a free food diary application. It will track your weight loss progress, your calories, and various nutrients; its list of foods is fairly robust, and you have the option of creating new foods, adding recipes, etc. I’ll never have to pay for WW Online again with this app!

I’ve had an interesting couple of weeks, the highlight of which was not my passing out from dehydration and low blood sugar. You see, I had become a slave to my little food diary. One day, I had eaten far too large a lunch. So, since I was out of points for the day, I skipped a proper dinner and dieted rigorously the next day. Skipping meals, as we all know, is unhealthy. My body rebelled and I got sick. After that day, from which I’ll spare you all the gory symptoms, I had some sort of hunger monster in me all week, felt too weak to work out, and put on a couple pounds. I honestly didn’t care that I was gaining weight. I was just tired of feeling hungry and weak.

My system feels like it has finally stabilized, though, and I’ve nicely returned to exercising and being more careful about my food intake these past few days. I only have about half a pound to lose to get back down to where I was pre-fainting. I’m being careful about my choices, but I’m not depriving myself again. If I eat too much at one meal, so be it. I’ll still eat the next meal that my body needs.

My goal remains to be 149 by the time of my wedding in mid-May. I’ve got about 6 lbs to go to get there. It feels wonderful to be so close to my goal. When my weight crept up a couple years ago, I felt like I had failed myself. I’m finally realizing that, no matter what weight I am, I deserve to take the time to take good care of myself and to do what I need to do to be stronger. There’s no sense being skinny if one doesn’t have the energy and strength to enjoy her life!

Instead, one random day last year while eating lunch at work, I visited the store’s web site. My dress was listed - on the clearance page - at 80% off - in my size! Woooo! I called and begged the lady to take the listing down (it was listed on ebay) and told her I’d drive the 2 hours to her store after work to try on the dress. My mom and sister joined me on the crazy spur-of-the-moment trip. Long story short, the dress fit nearly perfectly, maybe a little snug across the hips (but not too tight), with only a slight alteration to the straps needed. We bought it and took it home, satisfied with our clever purchase!

The problem with only trying on one dress and then buying it immediately is the matter of second thought. Over the months after I bought the dress, I began to doubt my purchase. I would try the dress on and imagine flaws - the biggest being that I thought it made my hips look “poufy.” My mom knew I was upset, so she encouraged me one weekend to try on some other wedding dresses. I tried on about 10 other dresses; they certainly weren’t right for me. After comparing my dress to them, I knew, without a doubt, that my first dress was still the Dress. Still… there was the issue of the poufy hip effect.

This weekend, I tried on my dress for the first time in about 4 months. I finally had the “feeling” that I had hoped for - the tears, the joy, the giddy reaction from my family. I’m not back at my dream weight, but I have lost almost 10 lbs, I’m working out regularly, and I’m starting to get muscle definition. It’s funny how those changes eliminated the entire “poufy” hip effect. (Guess it’s not the fault of the basque waist after all!) Whether my hips really have shrunk to change how the dress fits, or whether I’m just happier with having taken control of my food/weight/exercise issues, I’m not sure. Still, it feels soooo good to know that I’m going to feel beautiful, in the Dress, on my wedding day!

I’m going to take a deep breath a regroup tomorrow, as I’ve not been paying attention to my diet this week. I’m going to use the technique I talked about in my last post and pull out the food journal tomorrow. No doubt, it will get me on track and refocus my efforts to be below 150 by May.

Big joy moment of the week - I put my wedding invitations in the mail today - yay! I couldn’t stop smiling as the man at the post office helped me hand cancel the envelopes. I’m sure that I looked like a complete goofball.

I’ve been faithful with a new food journal technique, using it not so much as a daily record. Instead, I use it as a simple tool to get me back on track. If I gain one week, then I’ll journal for a couple days to get my appetite regulated again. This new technique has been difficult for my compulsive little soul to get used to. At first, it felt weird not to write down my food every day. But, I’ve found security in knowing that the food journal is there if I need it. It’s on my desk nearby, and I look at it every now and again to realize my progress, to remember healthy meal choices, and just to mentally check in.

Miraculously, this journaling technique has really been working for me. I stood on the scales this morning and was stunned. I weighed 155. I’ve lost about 9 lbs since January 1 and am on track to meet my goal of being below 150 by my wedding. I was able to wear a dress to work this week that I couldn’t fit into a couple months ago. What a relief! I wish I could get to a healthy enough point where I don’t stress out and judge myself by “good” or “bad” food days. However, progress is progress, and I’m pleased as can be to have a weight loss strategy that’s working.

These few days have been hit or miss with watching what I eat, which is better than I was doing last year when I went to visit the boy. I used to chow down, matching him nearly bite for bite. Although my choices weren’t always the best this past week, I did pretty well at portion management. I’m not looking forward to the Monday weigh-in, but I am also not completely dreading returning to my food journal. I think it’ll be a good week.

I don’t remember exactly what my notes were, so this is what you’re getting - random musings about the weekend.

I left my house in a tizzy on Saturday morning when the weather man said that a tornado was heading toward my neighborhood. (Disclaimer: you’re supposed to go hide in a basement when there’s a tornado coming, not jump in your car to drive away from it.) I drove to my mom’s house because my dad was out of town, and she was alone and scared. Also, I was sick, and Mom promised to take care of me. She made me soup and encouraged me to nap. Even the family cat let me steal a few cuddles. It was a good day, fever and hacking and pain be darned.

On Sunday, rare snow flurries (a once in a decade occurrence where I live) cheered me for a little while, but the warm fuzzies of being taken care of were starting to wear off. Somehow, in the midst of a perfectly normal conversation with my parents, I began mumbling words I didn’t even understand. Then, I burst into tears (the ugly, sobby kind) and begged my mom to take me to the doctor.

She sweetly did and only abandoned the waiting room twice to escape the 2 year old kid who kept screaming and punching his parents. Every one in the waiting room seemed to have some version of what I have. We were a sad, sniveling lot, indeed. I’m sure the fine folks who invented the Z-pak are making a fortune this week. Thank God for them!

Postscript: The upside of having no appetite - I’m at my lowest weight in about a year and my size 12 jeans are falling off of me. Yippee!

Today is Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent for Christians, and the day I’m supposed to start my Lenten discipline. Ha! Such ironic timing. My Lenten discipline was going to be fitting in some sort of exercise daily, yet today I am home from work with a nasty, feverish cold. The undisciplined part of me just wants to scrap today’s exercise, but that would defeat the entire purpose of the season for me. So, I’m off to do some gentle yoga, followed by a devotional. Then, it’s back to curling up in bed in my pjs.

After momentarily feeling like I wanted to crack the little scale display, I decided that I cannot stress about this weight gain. Truthfully, I wasn’t expecting a major loss since it was such a big family weekend with no points-counting involved. I wasn’t expecting such a big gain, either, but what can I do about it? I can’t change what I did (biscuits and gravy, cake, calzone, brisket, cookies…) or didn’t do (exercise, count points)last week. All I can do is work toward the future. So, I’m back to counting points, and I’ve been to the gym 3 days in a row.

Perhaps the best news of this past week is that I resolved to be confident at my brother’s wedding. I was going to wear a purple and brown, long-sleeved, autumnal dress. It would have been pretty, but I would have shrunk into the background. Instead, I took a risk and wore my favorite bubble-skirt blue tank dress with a gorgeous jewel-toned turquoise jacket. Recently,  since I’ve gained weight, I’ve let myself fade into the background. I don’t want people to look at me and think, “too bad, she’s not as skinny as she once was.” But, honestly, I can’t control what others say and think. What I can control is how I feel about myself.

Last weekend, I decided to feel beautiful. And, you know what? I not only felt beautiful; I also felt totally invigorated. Just the experience of feeling beautiful has given me the motivation I need to move on from my weight gain and to not lose faith as I try to lose weight. I’m actually looking forward to keep “working the plan” (as my friend in AA says), and I anticipate great results.