Angel Food (lowfat)

With more than a teensy bit of curiosity, I stepped on the scale this morning for my weekly weigh in. I weighed 155.0 - a .2 loss for the week. I recently read a blog entry by Round about how she doesn’t think it helpful to obsess over what the scale says. Despite my weekly weigh ins, I have to agree with her. The scale is simply a way for me to check in with myself and track my progress. The real weight loss work isn’t pushing the numbers on the scale further and further down. No, the real work comes with changing your lifestyle habits - eating well, finding exercise you can do regularly, maintaining some semblance of balance, and generally treating oneself better. Still, you will find me celebrating every ounce that the scale registers as gone. After beating myself up for decades, it only makes sense to give myself a pat on the back as the pounds come off and I work toward a balanced life and better health.

Sitting down to the Thanksgiving feast with my family, I realized that I wanted to try everything. But, for once, I didn’t want to feel ill after eating the meal. I doubled up on my mom’s cornbread dressing. (It’s the only time for a year I will have the chance to eat it, so why not?) But, I also was mindful of putting more green beans (freshly sauteed with garlic) and roasted asparagus on my plate than sweet potatoes. The dessert we ate a few hours later also did duty as dinner. I’ve been afraid of the big holidays in years past because I just knew that I’d over do it and gain weight. No, I didn’t have a huge loss of weight this Thanksgiving, but something better happened.  I realized that even feasting can be about balance and celebration can coexist with losing weight.

This morning, my scales read 155.2 - a 1.6 pound weight loss for the week. Now, that’s a result a girl can be happy with! I have finally hit my weight loss stride. Who knows where my motivation wanders off to? I’m just glad that the prodigal has returned, and I welcome it with open arms!

The next time my motivation goes on a bender, I’ll refer back to this entry to review my techniques for a successful weight loss week. So, here’s what I did during the week:

Technique 1 - I recorded what I ate. Monday - Thursday, I was the food diary queen. I wrote down my meals, sans point values or calories, and noted the WW “good health guidelines” that I acheived - fruits and vegs, dairy, H2O, exercise, and vitamins.  When I got home Friday, I put away my little yellow notebook. This wasn’t planned, just forgetfulness on my part. I had a moment this morning when I said, “oh hello there,” to the notebook before putting it with my purse to go to work with me. Despite the lack of recording over the weekend, I think I did fine because of technique 2…

Technique 2 - I ate real meals and did not snack. I love food. I crave complete meals. I do not do well with the six mini-meals concept that so many people swear by when losing weight. So, this week I made a concerted effort to enjoy my meals (sometimes even eating ice cream!) and to put away the snacks. I ate just until satisfied and no more; I allowed myself to get decently hungry before eating again. This technique worked really well, and I plan on keeping it up this week!

Technique 3 - I was kind to myself. I finally owned up to the fact that I might very well make a weight loss mistake every single day. I realized that I didn’t have to be perfect in order to lose weight. I enjoyed eating real food with real fat and real calories. If I made a mistake, I simply acknowledged it and told myself to make a better choice next time.

I’m looking forward to my weigh in next week to see how I do over the holidays. Last year, I was freaked out as the holidays approached. I knew that pumpkin pie and stuffing could decimate my points allowances. I was terrified of gaining weight. I found myself eating little at meals, then finding pieces of candy or another spoonful of potatoes to feel full. I wound up putting on a couple of pounds. This year, I’m not afraid that I’ll gain weight. It’s odd, but I’m confident that I’ll keep losing weight during the holidays. I’m not thinking about point values at all. Instead, I’m thinking of all the joy I’ll have hanging out with my family and friends. I’m thinking of how much fun I’ll have stealing some moments alone with the one I love. And, I’m thinking of how much I’ll savor that piece of pumpkin pie that I’ll eat on Thursday. 

This morning, I weighed 156.8. I had hoped to have lost 2 pounds this past week (putting me at 155.8), but I’ll definitely take 1! This past weekend was one of those times when things could have gone horribly wrong with my diet. I was spending the weekend with my BF in Florida. We went to an air show with plenty of fair food offerings - funnel cakes, corn dogs, etc. I compromised, drinking a Coke but splitting a grilled chicken sandwich with my BF.  I disagree with those diet nuts who say that it isn’t good for us to link food with celebrating. However, it is good to realize that you can have fun and celebrate without eating a ton of calories. There’s a balance, and I found it this weekend.

I’m still shooting for a 2lb weight loss one of these weeks…I hope to be a 154.8 by next Monday. That’ll set me up for almost hitting my Thanksgiving goal weight of 153.8. Writing what I eat down in my little yellow notebook is helping to keep my tendency to snack too much at work in check.

I really don’t want to record my weigh in amount from yesterday. I decided last night that I’d just email my group of encouragers and beg off the weigh in for the week. This morning, my attitude is different. I am tired of simply “trying to lose weight” and am ready to just do it (with apologies to Nike…). I know that if I don’t report my weight, then I’d be on a slippery slope to gaining again. So, yes, I gained - I was at 157.4 yesterday morning, a .4 gain for the week.

I am giving myself goals this week to kick up my motivation. This “try a little bit” technique for weight loss has  helped me to feel better about myself. However, I’m tired of modest gains. Despite not posting them, I’ve had ultimate goals in my mind all along. I wanted to be 135 by Christmas a month ago, but I don’t think such a quick weight loss is possible right now. I’m finally feeling really motivated and know I need to be more mature and stop making excuses if I want to reach my goals.  

So, my two utterly acheivable goals for the week are:

Goal 1: Weight loss of 1.5 lbs by 10/29 (so 155.9 lb next Monday, can’t weigh in on Sun because I’ll be flying back from a friend’s wedding) 

Goal 2: Cardio workouts 3 x this week 

Ultimate Goal: 143 by New Year’s Day 1/1/08

So, why the newfound motivation? Last week was terrible, mostly because I let my insecurities sabotage my progress. I felt bad about being overweight, afraid that I was a disappointment to my BF or my family. I resorted to old patterns of overeating to feel better. Of course, the old patterns never work - I only felt worse about myself and slightly sick from eating so much. I felt unloved and unlovable. I threw myself several pity parties.

My wonderful BF, blessedly, confronted me about how crazy I was being. He helped me to see that I’m not some sort of a failure. I’ve pretty much been kicking butt for the past few years. I lost a ton of weight, still maintaining a 53 lb loss. I’m dating a wonderful man who loves me deeply. I’ve built up several new friendships and grown closer to my family. I’m finishing my BA, probably with a 4.0 average. I even feel pretty gosh darn attractive. Despite all these achievements, however, lies this truth: even if I still weighed 210 lbs and wasn’t working toward goals, that wouldn’t make me a terrible, unlovable person.

But, there are times when I get nasty and beat myself up over the weight gain that happened last year. I deserve to be happy right now, in my size 10s. Gaining weight hasn’t hurt my relationship, but my attitude about myself has. So, I’ve gained back some weight, and I’m disappointed. When I’m honest with myself, I know why I’ve gained weight back, and it isn’t my thyroid! I’ve been eating too much. They barely know my name at the gym anymore. But, I can’t get caught up in throttling myself because I’ve slipped back into old patterns. Instead, I just have to create new ones. I want to be an active, outdoorsy sort of gal. So, I just need to make time to be active and outdoorsy. I’m tired of my BMI teetering between the normal and overweight level, and I want to wear my cute smaller clothes. So, I need to make sure I eat better, stop making excuses, and work hard to acheive my weight loss goals.

Part of my insecurities stem from my feeling like an imposter. When I was at 135 and could shimmy into a size 6, I felt like a fake. I had an overweight coworker who told me everyday how I had gotten too skinny. It’s as if she was really saying, “you’re the chubby one in the office, you shouldn’t be that small.” I felt like I was playing dress up, knowing that one day I’d have to give the clothes back. But the truth is, the me at 135 was just as authentic as the 157 lb me and the 210 lb me. In fact, the smaller me was probably more genuine because I realized what it took to be healthy, and I was doing it. I wasn’t anorexic; I wasn’t starving myself; and I wasn’t making excuses for staying heavy.

Adding fuel to my new motivated fire, my BF needed to know my weight to take me and a friend flying this weekend. Sensing my embarrassment, he didn’t make me say my weight out loud. He let me plug in the number and figure the calculation. I don’t want to be embarrassed by my weight anymore. I don’t want my weight to get in the way of what I want to do in life.

As it did in the weeks after Shenandoah, my motivation has been building these past few weeks. I have felt it happening, and I’m at the decision point: I can take the motivation and run with it, or I can live my same life. Truly, I’m fine now, but I know that I can be better. I can be healthier. Why wouldn’t I do whatever is possible in order to be healthy? Gains and bad weeks are going to happen, that’s almost certain. But how I handle them can be different. I can be motivated and mature. And, I can move ahead.

This morning I weighed 157.0 - minus .4 lbs for the week! I’m really excited about this loss because normally I’ve gained weight after a Saturday. I’m weighing in on Sundays now instead of Mondays.  I’ve identified I’ve been using Sunday as a starvation day to make up for overeating on Friday and Saturday. It is much more sane simply not to go crazy eating on Saturdays. Moving my weigh in to Sunday motivated me not to eat too much yesterday. 

And, it would have been so easy to eat too much yesterday. I had another fantastic weekend (there’ve been many lately). My brother and I hung out again and visited the Your Dekalb Farmer’s Market. They have a great little deli/restaurant. I tried a few vegetarian dishes - a cauliflower curry, ratatouille, and a spinach/artichoke bake - and treated myself to a samosa. Later in the day, we randomly stumbled upon old friends of mine - people I love dearly and see far too little of. They live in Virginia and DC but were in Atlanta for a wedding. Seeing them was amazing and surreal, dream-like, really. I kept myself to one drink at the Brick Store while we caught up with each other. On my way back down South from Atlanta, I stopped in and had dinner with other friends. Despite trying to watch portions lately, I ate two bowls of chicken chili along with them.  I love chili, and was impressed by how warming yet healthy Natalie’s was. I made mental note of her recipe while watching her cook and can’t wait to try making it myself.

Some news on the weight loss front is, I’ve not renewed my Weight Watchers membership. In 2004, I lost 16 lbs on WW while learning what portion sizes really should look like. Off the plan, I was able to lose an additional 59 lbs in 2005. I feel like I’m at a time when I can go off the plan again and do really well. This time around, I have an even greater support system of friends with a group of four former coworkers of mine. Our crazy emails encourage me more than WW has lately. Here’s hoping for weight loss without assigning a point value to every iota of food!

I’m entering this week with a lot more energy and optimism than I’ve felt in a long while. Really, Saturday was a remarkable gift of  a day. I’m still smiling from the joy of it all!

My weight today is 157.4 - a -.2 lb weight loss for the week. Only a fifth of a pound lost, but I’m moving in the right direction.

 I continued my trend of blowing my diet on Friday and Saturday. My weight was 155 on Thursday, but even the promise of such a healthy weight loss didn’t keep me from eating too much this past weekend. My brother had come for a visit, and he needed some TLC after a really rough week. “TLC” often means good food, of course. We had our usual chili - it was great, but already I’m getting tired of it. The real kicker on Friday night was pear crisp with ice cream. My stomach was already full, but I didn’t pass all that butter and cream. I would have felt much better if I had.  Saturday, my brother came to my house for dinner. One of my roommates had kindly bought steaks to share. We also baked potatoes and made mac n cheese. Why the double carbs? The steaks were NY strip and so, so good. At least I packed away half of mine in the fridge before digging in.

Despite the stark reality of my weekend overindulgence, I actually feel pretty good today about my dieting. My progress is slower than I’d like, but it’s progress all the same. Planning my meals is really helping during the week, so I just need to be smart and plan my weekends, too. I also sat down last night and sketched out a reasonable workout schedule. I’ve been telling myself that I’m too busy to exercise with work and school. But, I’ve realized that if I have hours to spend playing Wii Golf and watching the Food Network, then I definitely have time to work out.

So - specific weekly goals:   155.9 (1.5 lb weight loss) by 10/15 and cardio 3 times this week.

My weight this morning was 157.6 - a respectable 1.4 lb weight loss for the week. I probably actually lost more weight, but I ate a late dinner. I’ve definitely noticed the correlation between eating late and a higher morning weight (it makes perfect sense).

Last week was a great one for me, not just because I lost weight. The scale is the meaurement, but it isn’t what’s important. Instead, I found fulfillment in things besides food. Probably everyone of us blogging on this site has a “food issue” - whether it be comfort, entertainment, etc. that they confuse with food. I think mine is fulfillment. I often am unfulfilled at work, so I snack all day. Ditto for weekends where I am bored or not quite contented. 

 Last week/weekend, I tried to fill my time and  space with something besides food. I kicked butt at my job. Not only was I more productive, but - surprise! - I wasn’t as hungry. This weekend was a little harder, but I did well. Hanging out with my brother, running around taking pictures, exploring a farmer’s market, reminded me that there is so much good out there that I don’t need to fill up on junk. It’s kind of a larger metaphor, isn’t it? Fill up on the good stuff, and you’ll have less room for the bad.

Goals for this week: lost 1.5-2 lbs, get exercising again

My motivation to eat a sane amount of food over the weekend lasted about twelve hours. Friday night, I had one bowl of chili at my parents house. When I got home, my roommate and his family had made juicy ribeyes and baked potatoes. I love ribeyes. I was able to resist their beckoning sheen of fat, solacing myself with four glasses of wine (8 pts, I know) and some fried okra.  Saturday I was even weaker in the face of adversity (re: unhealthy food). Where did it all come from - the brunch, the mac n cheese, the grilled burgers, the chocolate chip cookies? I ate about twice what I should have.

It was no surprise that on Monday that I weighed: 159.0. A - .2 weight loss for the week, which barely counts.

This morning, after a mere 1 day back to counting points, I am already at 157.6. (At that rate, I’ll weigh 20 lbs by 2008!) Joking aside, I am cautiously optimistic about this week. Counting points seems to get easier every day. My big goals for the week are to exercie more and to be 157.0 by October 1. I was a dismal exerciser last week, only doing one day of cardio, one day of weights, and one day of yoga. I don’t want to be skinny and flabby like before. I want to be skinny and strong. Blogging and an email support system is really, really helping to keep my encouraged and moving toward those size 8 jeans again!

Does the world really need another weight loss blog? No, but I do. Angel Food, the other blog I maintain, is keeping me focused on trying to cook really good food. It’s not quite the place I need to go to keep accountable for losing weight. Here’s hoping that Angel Food (lowfat) will. So, here goes.

My weight this morning was 159. There, I’ve said it. That’s not terrible for a 5′6 1/2″ gal. It’s not the 210 I weighed three years ago, but it is also not the 135 lbs I was 18 months ago. After working my butt off to lose 75 lbs, I started dating a terrific guy. In my happiness I forgot to diet. He didn’t care if I ate two plates of pasta for dinner, so I didn’t either. And I gained weight again.

After maintaining my weight for about 6 months, I’m finally to the point mentally that I was at 3 years ago - let’s just call my state of mind “Post Shenandoah.” I’m determined to journey down the scale again. I’ll count points for at least the next 30 days (until the WW membership runs out). I’ll record my weights. I’ll go a little hungry. And I’ll write.