Angel Food (lowfat)

I really shouldn’t be writing this post right now. I really should be packing. I’m flying out this afternoon to see my fiance graduate from pilot training. Woo-hoo! The madness and stress of his training is finally over!

I’ve had an interesting couple of weeks, the highlight of which was not my passing out from dehydration and low blood sugar. You see, I had become a slave to my little food diary. One day, I had eaten far too large a lunch. So, since I was out of points for the day, I skipped a proper dinner and dieted rigorously the next day. Skipping meals, as we all know, is unhealthy. My body rebelled and I got sick. After that day, from which I’ll spare you all the gory symptoms, I had some sort of hunger monster in me all week, felt too weak to work out, and put on a couple pounds. I honestly didn’t care that I was gaining weight. I was just tired of feeling hungry and weak.

My system feels like it has finally stabilized, though, and I’ve nicely returned to exercising and being more careful about my food intake these past few days. I only have about half a pound to lose to get back down to where I was pre-fainting. I’m being careful about my choices, but I’m not depriving myself again. If I eat too much at one meal, so be it. I’ll still eat the next meal that my body needs.

My goal remains to be 149 by the time of my wedding in mid-May. I’ve got about 6 lbs to go to get there. It feels wonderful to be so close to my goal. When my weight crept up a couple years ago, I felt like I had failed myself. I’m finally realizing that, no matter what weight I am, I deserve to take the time to take good care of myself and to do what I need to do to be stronger. There’s no sense being skinny if one doesn’t have the energy and strength to enjoy her life!

I have a great wedding dress story. I found the dress boutique I liked before finding my dress. Then, I trolled the web sites of the designers (ok, let’s face it - manufacturers) that the store carried. There was one dress that stood above all others, that I simply loved on-line. I sort of filed it away and planned to call the store about the dress once I reached my dream weight. That didn’t happen.

Instead, one random day last year while eating lunch at work, I visited the store’s web site. My dress was listed - on the clearance page - at 80% off - in my size! Woooo! I called and begged the lady to take the listing down (it was listed on ebay) and told her I’d drive the 2 hours to her store after work to try on the dress. My mom and sister joined me on the crazy spur-of-the-moment trip. Long story short, the dress fit nearly perfectly, maybe a little snug across the hips (but not too tight), with only a slight alteration to the straps needed. We bought it and took it home, satisfied with our clever purchase!

The problem with only trying on one dress and then buying it immediately is the matter of second thought. Over the months after I bought the dress, I began to doubt my purchase. I would try the dress on and imagine flaws - the biggest being that I thought it made my hips look “poufy.” My mom knew I was upset, so she encouraged me one weekend to try on some other wedding dresses. I tried on about 10 other dresses; they certainly weren’t right for me. After comparing my dress to them, I knew, without a doubt, that my first dress was still the Dress. Still… there was the issue of the poufy hip effect.

This weekend, I tried on my dress for the first time in about 4 months. I finally had the “feeling” that I had hoped for - the tears, the joy, the giddy reaction from my family. I’m not back at my dream weight, but I have lost almost 10 lbs, I’m working out regularly, and I’m starting to get muscle definition. It’s funny how those changes eliminated the entire “poufy” hip effect. (Guess it’s not the fault of the basque waist after all!) Whether my hips really have shrunk to change how the dress fits, or whether I’m just happier with having taken control of my food/weight/exercise issues, I’m not sure. Still, it feels soooo good to know that I’m going to feel beautiful, in the Dress, on my wedding day!

Aaaah. What a stressful week. However, I made it through my annual event of doom at work - the huge donor luncheon that is a complete pain in the rear to pull off. But, pull it off I did, and I rewarded myself tonight with a glass of wine and some quality RockBand time with a 7 year old. Fun stuff, but I’m still feeling pretty wound up.

I’m going to take a deep breath a regroup tomorrow, as I’ve not been paying attention to my diet this week. I’m going to use the technique I talked about in my last post and pull out the food journal tomorrow. No doubt, it will get me on track and refocus my efforts to be below 150 by May.

Big joy moment of the week - I put my wedding invitations in the mail today - yay! I couldn’t stop smiling as the man at the post office helped me hand cancel the envelopes. I’m sure that I looked like a complete goofball.

When I first started Weight Watchers back in 2005, food journaling was a revelation to me. It taught me how much I was eating, how much I should be eating, what “quality” foods are, and why I tended to overeat. But, now in this “second leg” of weight loss - that is losing some of the 30 lbs I gained back after losing 75 lbs - I have a much more complicated relationship with food journaling. Now when I journal every day, I tend to beat myself up when I overeat. For some reason, when the “bad days” are down on paper, they hurt deeply. The negative feelings overwhelm me, and it’s draining trying to deal with negative emotions and diet at the same time. I find myself back in a messy cycle of losing/gaining.

I’ve been faithful with a new food journal technique, using it not so much as a daily record. Instead, I use it as a simple tool to get me back on track. If I gain one week, then I’ll journal for a couple days to get my appetite regulated again. This new technique has been difficult for my compulsive little soul to get used to. At first, it felt weird not to write down my food every day. But, I’ve found security in knowing that the food journal is there if I need it. It’s on my desk nearby, and I look at it every now and again to realize my progress, to remember healthy meal choices, and just to mentally check in.

Miraculously, this journaling technique has really been working for me. I stood on the scales this morning and was stunned. I weighed 155. I’ve lost about 9 lbs since January 1 and am on track to meet my goal of being below 150 by my wedding. I was able to wear a dress to work this week that I couldn’t fit into a couple months ago. What a relief! I wish I could get to a healthy enough point where I don’t stress out and judge myself by “good” or “bad” food days. However, progress is progress, and I’m pleased as can be to have a weight loss strategy that’s working.

Perhaps this entry’s title is a little over the top. I didn’t win anything, and nobody’s giving me a medal or putting a laurel wreath on my head. I’m celebrating, anyway, though! I survived my near exercise-less week with weight loss plans intact. I knew that my week would be nuts and exercise would be difficult to squeeze in, so I didn’t beat myself up about it. I did what I could, which turned out just to be one intensive cardio day and one yoga class. But, just doing that little amount of exercise reminded me of the commitment I have made to myself to get in better shape.

However, my biggest success last week may have been in my dieting - making realistic choices in what I eat, and staying focused on the end goal, even on days when a little too much food made its way down my gullet. Last week, I decided I was tired of failing at hitting my points targets, so I made some small adjustments to my daily points values. Usually, when I’m counting points (I do Weight Watchers flex points, with a current base of 22pts) I get desperate when my points start to run low for the day. I tend to freak out, thinking there is no way I’ll be able to deal with the hunger that is necessary for losing weight. Then, I’ll just sabotage myself - might as well just go all out at dinner since I won’t hit my points target anyway, right?

Well, last week I decided that just wasn’t good enough. I don’t mind telling you that I didn’t hit my points targets at all. Instead, I gave myself three extra points a day. In real nutrition speak, I think that’s about 150 extra calories a day. It was enough to take the edge off, fit in an additional snack or larger meal, and still lose weight. To be perfectly honest, I still went over my points, even given the extra 3 a day. No matter, though. I wound up losing 2.2 lbs, which is light years ahead of where I’ve been in my weight loss lately.

I think at the heart of this success is simply that I didn’t give up and I took it easy on myself without losing sight of my goal. It’s been ages since I’ve been this excited about making real changes in my lifestyle. I look forward to working out now. I’m trying new foods (papaya lime salad today - yum), and I’m not worrying about what the scale says every morning. Weight Watchers folks talk about “non-scale victories” - well, I had a scale victory this week, but the non-scale victories of being kinder to myself and changing my approaches to food and exercise feel even better.

My weight this morning was 157.6; I lost a pound last week.  When I have a week with a loss, I know that I should view that week as a success. However, as usual, I lost that pound the first two days of WW points counting for the week and stalled out over the weekend. (Perhaps “stalled out” is too kind - my weekend dieting can be more like a series of fender benders.) Monday and Tuesday, also as usual, I sputtered through my dieting. I drove along healthily throughout the day, then stalled out while nibbling on cupcakes and Girl Scout cookies late in the evening. 

I think an issue that I need to overcome is my resistance to accepting a lifestyle change. I’m not comfortable with my life as it is, with its size 12 jeans and evening boredom; yet, I’ve not committed to making the necessary changes to lose weight and feel energized again. Why is that? Probably because my life the way it is now is easy. If I really committed to getting back down to a size 8, then I’d have to put in real effort. I’d feel hungry from eating less. I’d feel sore from exercising more. But, I’d probably feel better about myself. 

I don’t yet know how this week is going to go. I’d like to be optimistic and say I’ll be a perfect points counter and hit the gym 4 times. But, I just don’t now that I can make that promise. Instead, maybe I’ll focus on one major change - weekend points counting. Usually, somewhere around 5pm Friday, I put my food diary in my bag and don’t dig it out again until Monday morning. This weekend, I’ll be faithful about counting every point I eat. I’ve still got a few days to psych myself up for this challenge. I think this small strategy could make a big difference in curbing my sputters and stalls until my next Wednesday a.m. weigh in.

Ok. My weight went up again this past week to 159.0. I wish I could innocently say, “I don’t know what I’m doing wrong!” But, I can’t. I know exactly what I’m doing wrong. I am eating too much food. My food diary isn’t helping me to keep the amount of what I eat in check the way I thought it would. I’m contemplating rejoining Weight Watchers online for a month to see if that will get me back into eating reasonably again. But, I hate to pay money to the program when I know how it works. grrr…

I’ve taken a few breaths now and feel more calm.  

I recognize that while I’ve been dedicating myself to eating better foods and making better choices (this past week’s Mexican food, notwithstanding),  I haven’t been dedicating myself to really “watching” what I eat. This week, I’m making it my goal to be mindful of how much, not just what, I’m eating. What was it that Round said several posts back? Eating to satisfy is much different than eating what one desires. When something tastes really, really good, I desire more of it. But, to achieve my health goals, then I need eat only what will satisfy me.

This morning, I weighed 156.8. I had hoped to have lost 2 pounds this past week (putting me at 155.8), but I’ll definitely take 1! This past weekend was one of those times when things could have gone horribly wrong with my diet. I was spending the weekend with my BF in Florida. We went to an air show with plenty of fair food offerings - funnel cakes, corn dogs, etc. I compromised, drinking a Coke but splitting a grilled chicken sandwich with my BF.  I disagree with those diet nuts who say that it isn’t good for us to link food with celebrating. However, it is good to realize that you can have fun and celebrate without eating a ton of calories. There’s a balance, and I found it this weekend.

I’m still shooting for a 2lb weight loss one of these weeks…I hope to be a 154.8 by next Monday. That’ll set me up for almost hitting my Thanksgiving goal weight of 153.8. Writing what I eat down in my little yellow notebook is helping to keep my tendency to snack too much at work in check.

Without meaning to do so, I’ve taken a mini-vacation from blogging. Partly, my lack of writing has been busy-ness, partly avoidance. I was losing weight, getting down to 156.2. But, I gained over the weekend and found myself staring at 157.8 on the scale this morning.

These miniature ups and downs are annoying, but I have to be honest with myself. I’ve not been as committed to losing weight as I need to be. I’ve been sort of vaguely dieting, allowing myself a slice or handful of this, a taste or snack of that. Despite feeling generally optimistic that I will eventually one day be at 135 lb again, I know that I have been defeatist and overwhelmed of late. A voice has been telling me that I can’t meet the goals that I set, so I might as well just give myself a break and not worry about acheiving them. A strange little cycle I’ve gotten myself into, no?

 After the week that’s passed, I do have newfound motivation.  My BF and I have seriously discussed a wedding date of December 27, 2008, which gives me plenty of time to get 22 lbs off before buying a dress. But an even greater motivation than looking like a babe in my wedding gown is simply that I want to prove to myself that I can achieve the goals I set for myself. Meeting my goals involves a few things: (1) setting realistic goals, (2) staying mindful of the goals at all times, (3) doing the work needed to get there, (4) reminding myself that the goals are reachable. 

So, below are my realistic goals for this Holiday Season. Sure, I’d like to weigh less than by New Year’s Day, but I also am not going to set myself up for failure. I hope to celebrate my successes not with too much turkey and pie, but with a little victory dance on the scales!

HOLIDAY GOALS 

153.8 on Thanksgiving Day, 11/22/07

146.8 on Christmas Day, 12/25/07

145.8 on  New Years Day, 1/1/08

I really don’t want to record my weigh in amount from yesterday. I decided last night that I’d just email my group of encouragers and beg off the weigh in for the week. This morning, my attitude is different. I am tired of simply “trying to lose weight” and am ready to just do it (with apologies to Nike…). I know that if I don’t report my weight, then I’d be on a slippery slope to gaining again. So, yes, I gained - I was at 157.4 yesterday morning, a .4 gain for the week.

I am giving myself goals this week to kick up my motivation. This “try a little bit” technique for weight loss has  helped me to feel better about myself. However, I’m tired of modest gains. Despite not posting them, I’ve had ultimate goals in my mind all along. I wanted to be 135 by Christmas a month ago, but I don’t think such a quick weight loss is possible right now. I’m finally feeling really motivated and know I need to be more mature and stop making excuses if I want to reach my goals.  

So, my two utterly acheivable goals for the week are:

Goal 1: Weight loss of 1.5 lbs by 10/29 (so 155.9 lb next Monday, can’t weigh in on Sun because I’ll be flying back from a friend’s wedding) 

Goal 2: Cardio workouts 3 x this week 

Ultimate Goal: 143 by New Year’s Day 1/1/08

So, why the newfound motivation? Last week was terrible, mostly because I let my insecurities sabotage my progress. I felt bad about being overweight, afraid that I was a disappointment to my BF or my family. I resorted to old patterns of overeating to feel better. Of course, the old patterns never work - I only felt worse about myself and slightly sick from eating so much. I felt unloved and unlovable. I threw myself several pity parties.

My wonderful BF, blessedly, confronted me about how crazy I was being. He helped me to see that I’m not some sort of a failure. I’ve pretty much been kicking butt for the past few years. I lost a ton of weight, still maintaining a 53 lb loss. I’m dating a wonderful man who loves me deeply. I’ve built up several new friendships and grown closer to my family. I’m finishing my BA, probably with a 4.0 average. I even feel pretty gosh darn attractive. Despite all these achievements, however, lies this truth: even if I still weighed 210 lbs and wasn’t working toward goals, that wouldn’t make me a terrible, unlovable person.

But, there are times when I get nasty and beat myself up over the weight gain that happened last year. I deserve to be happy right now, in my size 10s. Gaining weight hasn’t hurt my relationship, but my attitude about myself has. So, I’ve gained back some weight, and I’m disappointed. When I’m honest with myself, I know why I’ve gained weight back, and it isn’t my thyroid! I’ve been eating too much. They barely know my name at the gym anymore. But, I can’t get caught up in throttling myself because I’ve slipped back into old patterns. Instead, I just have to create new ones. I want to be an active, outdoorsy sort of gal. So, I just need to make time to be active and outdoorsy. I’m tired of my BMI teetering between the normal and overweight level, and I want to wear my cute smaller clothes. So, I need to make sure I eat better, stop making excuses, and work hard to acheive my weight loss goals.

Part of my insecurities stem from my feeling like an imposter. When I was at 135 and could shimmy into a size 6, I felt like a fake. I had an overweight coworker who told me everyday how I had gotten too skinny. It’s as if she was really saying, “you’re the chubby one in the office, you shouldn’t be that small.” I felt like I was playing dress up, knowing that one day I’d have to give the clothes back. But the truth is, the me at 135 was just as authentic as the 157 lb me and the 210 lb me. In fact, the smaller me was probably more genuine because I realized what it took to be healthy, and I was doing it. I wasn’t anorexic; I wasn’t starving myself; and I wasn’t making excuses for staying heavy.

Adding fuel to my new motivated fire, my BF needed to know my weight to take me and a friend flying this weekend. Sensing my embarrassment, he didn’t make me say my weight out loud. He let me plug in the number and figure the calculation. I don’t want to be embarrassed by my weight anymore. I don’t want my weight to get in the way of what I want to do in life.

As it did in the weeks after Shenandoah, my motivation has been building these past few weeks. I have felt it happening, and I’m at the decision point: I can take the motivation and run with it, or I can live my same life. Truly, I’m fine now, but I know that I can be better. I can be healthier. Why wouldn’t I do whatever is possible in order to be healthy? Gains and bad weeks are going to happen, that’s almost certain. But how I handle them can be different. I can be motivated and mature. And, I can move ahead.